You Never Really Can Fix a Heart

First day of the Bamboozle Roadshow tour is officially over. I had no idea what I had signed up for when I said I would do the photography for the boys. I’m not used to taking pictures of a bunch of sweaty guys bouncing around a stage while there is a huge crowd of people trying to get closer to the stage. It was definitely a challenge for me, but in a good way. I may have been scared to death that I was going to get mauled by a bunch of rabid teenage girls trying to break the barrier, but I definitely learned to be a better photographer. I’ve never had to take action shots before, the only thing close to that was taking pictures of people dancing at weddings. I just hope the guys like the pictures I took today. If not, I know I will get better shots tomorrow and the rest of tour.

Currently I am sitting in Zack’s bunk going through the pictures I took today. The boys are in the front of the bus drinking with the crew and a few guys from other bands. I’m hiding out because I’m not really comfortable around a bunch of drunken guys in a confined space right now. I know that I am completely safe on this bus, but I still feel really nervous. I’m not entirely sure why though. I think it’s more trying to stray away from the party scene so I don’t have more strikes against me when I go back to court in August. I need to just be about work and being a better mom.

The curtain to the bunk opened, startling me. I took my ear buds out of my ears and looked over at Zack. His eye brows were furrowed but he had a smirk on his face. “Why are you in my bunk and not Alex’s?” he asked me.

I shrugged. “Alex gets horny when he’s drunk and I really don’t want to deal with that tonight. Especially since we are on a bus, that’s just gross to me. Plus your bunk smells like you, obviously, and that makes me feel like I’m home.”

“Well I thank you for not encouraging Alex to have sex on the bus because you’re my sister and that’s disgusting. I’ve had to hear enough of Rae and Jack and that’s disturbing enough.” Zack shuttered at the thought. “But how does my scent remind you have home?”

I laughed at his confusing, “Confession, when you’re on tour I tend to sleep in your bed. It makes it easier to deal with when you’re gone.”

“You’re such a cheese ball.” He said smacking the side of my leg playfully. “So what are you doing?”

“Going through the pictures I took today, seeing if I got any good shots.” I told him, turning my laptop around so he could see the screen. “Why aren’t you in the front with the guys, getting wasted?”

“Not big on getting drunk on tour. I’ll have a few drinks, but I don’t want to get wasted like those tards.” He laughed. “Can I look at the pictures?”

“Sure.” I told him then sat up and crossed my legs so he had room to sit in the bunk with me.

“These are really good, especially since it’s your first time doing music photography.” Zack said as he scrolled through the pictures. “I like how you took candid pictures too.”

“That’s normally what I do, so it’s hard not to take candid shots.” I shrugged. “Plus I’m sure your fans will love them.”

“I’m sure they will.” He laughed. “So when is Briana coming out with the kids?”

“She wanted to come in a few days when we’re in Florida so we can hang out with Liam, Savannah and the kids, but Rae can’t get take time off that soon. She has so much work to do with the bakery and has a few things scheduled already. So they are coming out the day of Jack’s birthday, but he doesn’t even know that they are coming so don’t tell anyone.”

“My lips are sealed. But the question is, if Briana is planning on driving who is going to help her because we both know that Jack will have Rae on this bus with him. And we both know that neither of them care that there are people on this bus, they will have sex.” Zack scrunched up his nose as did I. He’s totally right though, if they will have sex with people in the house, I highly doubt they will care that they are on a bus.

“That’s why she’s bringing Scarlett. And I think she’s bringing Ali or Candice. They are going to alter days on who will stay back and entertain the kids since Bamboozle isn’t kid friendly.” I told him.

“That makes sense.” He nodded. “So, you introduced Alex to Faith. How’d that go?”

I laid my head back against the wall of the bunk with a sigh. “He was shocked and pissed at first, but eventually came around. Faith wanted to know if he was her daddy. I love him and I know he won’t go anywhere; I just need to know that he’s up for being a father figure in Faith’s life. I grew up with a sucky father who was a good dad to Ryleigh and Johnny and now he’s gone. Briana’s dad only wanted her to piss off my mom but was a jerk to Brie. Liam was the only one with a good dad but just didn’t love my mom. I want Faith to have someone who is a good father figure in her life because I know how much it sucks to not have one. You’re her godfather and I am so thankful for you because you’re the best she has right now.”

“Well if he swears that he’s not going anywhere then he’s going to have to get used to the idea of being the step daddy.” Zack pointed out. “When is the court date?”

“Um, August fifth I think. Are you going to be in town?” I asked as I bit my lip, I really needed him there.

“I don’t think we’re going to be home then. But if I have to I will have someone fill in for me, I will be there for you. If anything have your lawyer subpoena me to be a character witness so I have a legal reason to miss a show.” Zack laughed. He really was the best friend a girl could ask for.

There was a loud noise then a groan. Zack and I looked out of the bunk and saw Jack stumbling toward the back with Flyzik trying to help him. I’m assuming Flyzik is trying to get Jack to the bathroom since he tends to puke when he’s extremely drunk. “Need help?” I asked Matt, I’ve become a pro at helping deal with a drunken Jack.

“I’ve got him, but you should go deal with Alex.” He told me. I raised my eyebrows in confusion. “He’s in the lounge crying saying that you left him and he can’t find you. I have no idea; he’s being drunk and stupid.”

I rolled my eyes and hopped out of the bunk. What is with Alex? I’ve never really been around him drunk. When we’ve been drinking together he has never gotten drunk, just a bit tipsy so this is a whole new area for me. I’m not exactly sure what to do but I have to figure it out and fast. When I walked to the front lounge I saw Alex sitting on the couch with Rian. Alex was crying and Rian was trying to calm him down. “I don’t know what I did, but she just left and I don’t know how to get her back.” Alex cried.

“Dude, she didn’t leave. Calm down.” Rian tried to reason with Alex but he just wasn’t having it. So I walked over to them and bent down in front of Alex.

“Dude, I am right here.” I told him as I grabbed ahold of his face so he would look at me.

“You came back.” He sniffed.

“I never left, I’ve been in my bunk.” I didn’t want to say Zack’s bunk and have him think something is going on since Zack has been with me for about an hour now. “I didn’t feel like drinking so I’ve been looking at the pictures I took.”

“Wha?” he scrunched his eyebrows together, bringing his hands up to my wrists and pulling my hands away from his face before looking around. In his drunken state, he forgot that we were on a bus and I had nowhere to go. “We’re on the bus.” He stated.

“Yes we are. Now stop crying and lets go to bed.” I told him as I stood up. He looked up at me then got up. He looked so heartbroken which in return broke my heart. I’ve done this to him; I’ve made him feel like I’m just going to leave him at any second. I hate that I’ve made him this way. I sighed as I ran my fingers through my hair. “Go on to the bunk and I’ll be there in a minute.” I told him.

“Promise?” he sniffed. His eyes were still glistening with tears.

“I promise.” I stepped forward and pecked his lips. He nodded and turned around, walking toward the bunks. “Sorry for that guys.” I apologized.

“Don’t worry about it, Lo. We’re used to Alex crying while he’s drunk.” Rian said. He stood up and pulled me into a hug.

“He cries when he’s drunk?” I asked as I hugged him back.

Rian pulled away and chuckled. “That’s typical Alex when he’s drunk. He cries, passes out in random places. Once he passed out in our hotel lobby then woke up crying because he thought he was lost.”

I laughed and let a few tears escape my eyes. I quickly wiped them away making Rian shake his head. “Sorry for crying. I’m just really in over my head right now.” I apologized.

“Don’t apologize.” He rubbed my arm. “And you’re fine. Zack has raved about your photography and as for Alex, you’ll get used to his craziness.”

“I’m confident in my photography skills and I can handle Alex and his craziness. But you saw the look on his face, he’s completely broken and that is my fault. You can say that he’s just drunk, but what I’ve learned over the years is that drunken words are sober thoughts. He’s terrified that I am going to leave him. Hell I can’t promise that I won’t because I know that he deserves so much better than me. And his fear is mine too, what if he gives up on me one day because he’s tired of my crap. I have a lot of baggage, Rian, and I can’t keep bringing him down with it.” I started crying, breaking down in front of a bunch of guys that I didn’t know. I know I have dampered the mood of all of them by crying like this. It’s one thing to see Alex crying because apparently that’s what he does, but to see a girl crying who they don’t know is a total buzz kill.

“Hey, Lauren, just breathe.” Vinny slurred his words but you could tell that he was concerned. “Here, have some Jack to calm your nerves.” He held out a bottle of whiskey.

“Yeah, just drink a little.” Rian smiled weakly. I looked at him then over at Vinny, taking the bottle from him and taking a swig from it. “And know that Alex will never give up on you and you are the best there is for Alex. You may have had a rough past; none of us have a perfect childhood. But I do know that you challenge Alex, in the best way possible. Girls normally fall over themselves to be with Alex, always have. But you, you don’t and that’s why he loves you so much. You put him in his place, you don’t give into him, you’re not a prissy girl that I’ve seen him with in the past; you’re an outgoing and fun girl. If it’s anyone that unworthy, it’s him. Alex is one of my best friends and I love the dude like a brother, but he can be an asshole and you’re an amazingly beautiful girl who deserves the world.”

“You know saying things like that and giving me alcohol is going to turn me into Alex right?” I laughed then took another swig of whiskey.

“I’ve seen you drunk, you’re nothing like Alex.” Rian laughed.

Zack came into the lounge area and looked confused. “Lo, why are you crying? And why are you drinking?” he looked over at Rian and Vinny, “what do you guys do to her?” and here comes protective Zack.

“We didn’t do anything!” Rian held up his hands defensively.

“I just gave her the Jack to calm her nerves. We didn’t make her cry.” Vinny defended himself.

“Zack, calm down, I’m fine.” I walked over to him and gave his arm a squeeze. “It’s just more stressful than I thought being away from home. And dealing with drunken Alex isn’t something I’m used to. I had a mini melt down, but I promise I am fine.”

“If you want to go home, you can. We won’t hold you here.” Zack told me. “But please don’t, I like having you here even if it only has been a day.”

“We all do.” Matt laughed as he walked back into the lounge. “You keep Jack and Alex from doing stupid shit. If only you could keep them from getting shit faced.”

“I can’t do that, but I can keep them in line.” I winked at him. “And I won’t go anywhere, I need this job and I like being here.”

“Good.” Zack nodded then gave me a hug. “Now go make Alex go to bed. He’s just standing there and is about to pass out. I told him to get in his bunk but he said he had to wait for you.”

“No we want to party with her!” Vinny whined.

I rolled my eyes and chugged some whiskey before handing the bottle back to Vinny. “I’ll party with you guys tomorrow.” I promised. I hugged everyone goodnight and said thank you to Rian before going to the bunks. Jack was passed out on the floor, half his body was still in the bathroom, I guess that’s as far as Matt could get him. Alex was leaning against the bunks with his head resting on Rian’s bunk, sleeping. I laughed quietly as I shook my head before going over to him. “Alex.” I shook him gently. His eyes fluttered opened, he looked at me confused before mumbling something that I didn’t understand. “Lets go to bed.” I tugged on his arm. I sat down in Alex’s bunk, pulling him down.

He finally cooperated and got into the bunk with me. “I love you.” he mumbled against the back of my neck as he cuddled into me. I turned over so I was facing him then kissed him gently. “I love you too.” I mumbled against his lips before kissing him once more.

“You taste like alcohol.” He said sleepily but not opening his eyes. He just shifted into a more comfortable spot since I had moved.

“Vinny gave me some whiskey after I told you to come to bed.” I told him.

“I thought you didn’t want to drink.” He suddenly sounded more sober than he did twenty minutes ago. How did he go from a drunken, sobbing mess to sounding very coherent?

“I didn’t, they were just trying to break me out of my shell.” I half lied. I didn’t want to drink, but I wasn’t going to tell Alex that they gave me the alcohol because I was crying.

“Well I don’t want you drinking with them when I’m not around.” He grumbled. He pulled me closer to his body like he was trying to get me to know that I was his and not anyone else’s. That pissed me off because it was like he doesn’t trust me.

“Go to sleep, Alex. You’re drunk and I’m not about to argue with you.” I snapped at him then rolled over so we were spooning again. I didn’t want to look at him right now, partly because I was mad at him and partly because I feel the tears coming on again and I don’t want him to know that I am crying. I hope this isn’t how the entire tour is going to be. This is supposed to be fun for us, not turned into jealous drama.