You Never Really Can Fix a Heart

It’s been almost a week since I saw Lauren. Though it feels like a life time. The first day alone felt like a month. I guess the saying, ‘you don’t know what you have until it’s gone’ is completely true. I knew I had something special with Lo, but I didn’t realize how special until I saw her walk away from me and tell me that she never wants to see me again. My world has been completely shattered and I don’t know if I can ever fix it. I just pray that the fact that Lo is letting me talk to Faith still is a sliver of hope that things can be fixed.

“Alex, can you go back to the bus? Jack left his damn in ear monitor on there.” Flyzik asked me. I found it weird because he’s usually pretty anal about making sure everything is in order. Today he’s been really off though; maybe he’s getting sick or something.

“Why can’t he get his own shit?” I snapped. I didn’t mean to sound mean but I’m just not in the mood for anything. All I want is to see Lo and nothing else.

“Because if I send him then he’s going to get distracted and it’ll take forever. We don’t have the damn time to wait for his ADD ass to get his shit.” He retorted. Okay he is in a bad mood so I will just do what I am told because I don’t want to deal with Flyzik and his mood swings. I don’t even understand why Jack had his in ear monitor, we’re not supposed to touch them until we’re getting ready to go on stage. Though Jack never does what he is supposed to do, he’s like an infant child.

When I got on the bus I started to look for the Jack’s in ear monitor but it was nowhere in the front lounge so I went to go check Jack’s bunk. “God dammit, Jack where the fuck did you leave your shit.” I grumbled to myself as I tossed around his stuff.

“I would hope he left his shit in the toilet.” I heard a voice say. I jumped and hit my head on the top of Jack’s bunk causing me to groan in pain. The person behind me started to giggle at my pain. I turned and saw Lauren sitting in my bunk. My eyes widen in shock, I never thought I would see her again. My body is frozen in place as I just looked at her even though my brain is telling me to go swoop her up in my arms and never let her leave again. “Are you going to speak or just stand there like a deer in headlights?”

“Wha-What are you doing here?” I stuttered. I still couldn’t believe that she was in front of me.

“I could leave if you want?” she said pointing toward the front of the bus with her thumb and her eyebrows rose. I quickly stepped forward and squeezed her thighs so she couldn’t move. I can’t let her walk out on me once again. Not until I got a chance to explain myself.

“No, please don’t go.” I shook my head rapidly. “I was just in shock; I never thought I would see you again.”

“I almost didn’t come.” She admitted. “But your mom can be pretty convincing.”

I furrowed my eyebrows, “my mom?” When has Lo spoken to my mom?

She giggled, “Yes your mom. We’ve been talking every day since you took me to meet your parents. She’s a really nice lady. And the day I went home I needed to get away from my family and planned on going to Carla’s house but she was at work and somehow I ended up at your parents.” She shrugged. “We had a long talk and she convinced me to give you a chance to explain. I almost backed out when I heard Lisa at the hospital but I knew I had to do this, not for me but for Faith.”

“I miss her so much.” I told her. I felt the tears coming on; having Lo right in front of me is so overwhelming. Especially since she’s looking sexy as hell. She has on a pair of shorts and a half shirt. Shows off her toned stomach. It’s hard to focus, but I know I have to.

“She misses you too.” She smiled. “Let’s go to the front longue so we can talk.”

“I’m supposed to find something.” I remembered why I was on the bus in the first place.

“No you don’t.” I gave her a confused look. “That was a decoy; Matt had to say something to get you on the bus. I didn’t want anyone to know I am here until I know for sure that I am staying.”

I nodded and helped her out of the bunk and we went to the front lounge and sat down on the couch. I wanted so bad to hold her but I didn’t want to push it because I know that she’s still pissed at me. “I want to say once again that I am so sorry. I know my apology means nothing because I broke my promise, but I really am sorry.”

“I know you’re sorry, but are you sorry because you got caught or because you’re truly and deeply sorry?” she questioned and that really hurt. “I need to know what happened.”

“I am truly sorry for what I did. Yes I hate that you had to see it, but I felt guilty the instant I did what I did.” I told her and took a deep breath. I have to tell her the truth for why I did what I did. Something that I had never told anyone until that stupid night in Vegas. “Lisa was going to tell you my deepest, darkest secret if I didn’t break up with you. She was prepared to have Melanie tell you that night and I was just trying to buy time. I know that was the worst thing to do, but in that moment it was the only thing I could think of. I needed you to hear this secret from me because I know if she or anyone else told you then they would twist the truth and make me out to be an eviler jerk than I already perceive myself to be.”

“You’re not evil, nor are you a jerk. You’re a douche at times because you don’t think before you react, but that doesn’t make you an evil person. If it does then I am a super villain.” She tried to reassure me but it’s not working. I know what I have done and I am not proud of it.

“You may not think that once you hear what I have to say.” I shook my head and looked down at the floor.

Lo placed one hand on my cheek and turned my face so I would look at her. “I may be pissed at you right now for cheating on me, but there is nothing you can say that would make me think you are an evil person. You don’t have a malicious bone in your body. You have saw past all of my secrets and didn’t hold a one of them against me. You stood by me when I told you I was in an abusive relationship. You stood by me when you found out that I slept around and that I self-medicated and self-harmed. You stood by me when I was drugged and raped. You stood by me when you found out about Faith. You never once left me for anything in my past. So don’t for a second think I would hold anything in your past against you. The only way I would leave this bus and never look back is if you sat here and told me that you would rather be with Lisa or have no valid reason for kissing that bitch.”

Tears start rolling down my cheeks. Lo is the most incredible and strong girl I have ever met in my life. I don’t know how she can sit here and be so compassionate when I have wronged her. I know I probably wouldn’t have been this nice if the roles were reversed. That just proves that she is a better person than I am and deserves so much better than me. I look up at her and I can see the fear in her eyes, she knows whatever I am about to say is bad. She can see how scared I am to tell her my secret. And yet she hasn’t run for the hills. I know in my heart that she will stand by me once I confess, but I am still terrified to tell her because there is still that doubt in my mind that she will look at me differently and leave.

“I killed someone.” I said quietly. I heard Lo gasp and when I look back over at her I see her eyes slowly start to judge me. I knew that would happen I just hoped that she wouldn’t.

“I don’t understand, how could you kill someone? You would never harm anyone. You have too big of a heart to do something that crazy.” She shook her head, trying to wrap her mind around what I had confessed.

“I didn’t mean to.” I choked back a sob. Lo still sat there with a confused look on her face, I know I have to elaborate, I just don’t know if I can tell the story. When I told the guys, I didn’t tell them the full story, I just told them what they needed to know. It was hard enough telling my mom, I don’t think I am strong enough to tell it a second time.

“Look at me.” Lo demanded. I expected to see judgment and anger in her eyes but when I look at her, her eyes are soft and sad. “Tell me what happened, I promise I won’t judge you.”

I nodded and sniffed before telling my story. “A little over a year ago Lisa was pregnant. We hadn’t told anyone because she was really superstitious about telling people before the first trimester. But then after I was touring and we wanted to wait until things had calmed down a little so we can tell everyone together. By the time that tour was done she was well into the second trimester and was showing. Of course her coworkers and classmates knew she was pregnant but who are they going to tell? I’m not sure how she kept it from her family. The day I got home from tour all I wanted to do was sleep off my jetlag, but she wanted to discuss baby plans. She wanted to decorate the nursery and tell everyone and go baby shopping. I told her to just let me sleep a few hours and I will go baby crazy with her. Don’t get me wrong I was ecstatic to finally be able to do everything baby, but in that moment all I wanted to do was sleep. I was exhausted. But she kept pestering me. When I was going up the stairs she grabbed my arm. I jerked my arm away from her and told her to leave me alone but she grabbed my arm again and demanded that I talk to her and when she did I pushed her, not meaning to. I just wanted to break free of her grasp but I pushed when I should have pulled. She fell down the stairs. I heard her scream and I turned around quickly and saw her lying there. I was so scared and even more so when I saw all the blood.” I paused because I was sobbing at the memory. “I called 911 and when we got to the hospital the doctor said the baby was gone, there was no heartbeat. But since she was far enough along that there was a developing baby, they had to take it out. It was the most heartbreaking thing I had to go through since Tom’s death. It was my fault our baby died.” At this point I was sobbing uncontrollably.

Lo pulled me into her arms and rubbed my back while I cried into her chest. I don’t deserve her comfort. She should be yelling at me and hitting me. “Shh, it’s not your fault.” She whispered.

“But if it is.” I forced out. “If I had just been patient and done what she wanted our baby wouldn’t be dead.”

“You didn’t mean to push her. I’m not saying what happened was right but shit happens and you can’t take it back no matter how much you wish you could.” Lo told me. “I know what it is like to lose a baby and it’s not an easy thing to go through, so I see why Lisa is acting the way she is. Things that Kara told me make perfect sense now.”

I looked up at her confused, “Kara? Lisa’s best friend? Rian’s ex? That Kara?”

“The one and only. I ran into her while I was at home and she told me that Lisa had been acting really irrationally. That Lisa was obsessed with you and couldn’t figure out why. How Lisa is acting is really concerning Kara.” Lo explained to me. “It makes sense to me now why Lisa is the way she is, at least right now. Lisa is a bitchy person to start with, but her fixation on you is understandable. I’m no therapist but I’ve been in therapy long enough to see the signs. When you lose someone tragically and suddenly and you don’t deal with it, then you fixate on something. In my case I drank and slept around. In Lisa’s case she is determined to get you back and make sure no one else can have you.”

“So it is my fault.” I groaned in frustration.

“No it isn’t!” Lo insisted. “Lisa is sick and she needs help.”

“But if I hadn’t accidentally pushed her then she wouldn’t have lost the baby and she wouldn’t be sick. She would be blissfully happy and taking care of our baby. We wouldn’t be in this situation right now.” I tried not to yell at her.

“As selfish and morbid as this sounds, if those events hadn’t transpired then WE wouldn’t be here right now. If Lisa had the baby then you would be with her and your child and that hurts my heart. I spent so much time hating you but now that I have you and gotten to know you, I can’t imagine my life without you.” Lo admitted and I could hear in her voice that she was on the verge of crying. Now I felt bad, I didn’t mean to make her feel that I didn’t want to be with her and wish I had the life I was supposed to have with Lisa.

“I love you and I would never for a second want to change the fact that we are together. You are my life, now and forever. But it doesn’t change the fact that I wish things had been different. I’m not saying I wish I was with Lisa, but I do wish I hadn’t lost my child.” I explained to her, but I don’t think I am explaining my feelings right.

“I completely understand.” She said and I breathe a sigh of relief. “I despise Blake with a bloody passion and would never take him back, but I wish every day that I hadn’t lost my baby. Though if I hadn’t I most likely wouldn’t have Faith who is the greatest child ever. My baby with Blake may have been exactly like Faith or could be her opposite, hell it could have been a boy. But either way I wish I had my baby. And if I had it my way, I would have that child and Faith.”

“I’m glad that I explained myself correctly. But there is nothing anyone can say that will change my mind that it isn’t my fault.” I told her.

“Well I’m glad that you told me, I just wish you had told me sooner. Especially after all the crap I told you about. Even when I told you how Blake tried to make me believe that it was my fault that I miscarried. I never would have judged you for this. And I don’t think it was your fault. It was a freak accident, one that I can clearly see you wish you could change.”

I was relieved that she wasn’t judging me like I thought she would, but I still had one thing on my mind. “But where does that leave us?”

“Cheating is never justified no matter the circumstances, but I do understand why you did what you did. I am not happy about it and I am still pissed at you for it. You have put a damper on my trust in you. But I will give you another chance, your last chance. We have a long road ahead of us; you have to gain my trust back. But like I said, I can’t see my life without you.” she smiled sadly. “Plus, I don’t want to give the dogs back. I’ve grown to love them.”

“Oh I see how it is, you want me for my pups.” I joked.

“You know it babe.” She giggled then leaned in and kissed me. When she pulled away she had a serious look on her face. “There is one thing I think you need to do though.” she sighed, looking down at her lap then back up at me. “You need to convince Lisa to get help. She’s not going to listen to anyone but you.”

“I will when we get home. Right now, I just want to focus on us.” I told her as I pulled her into my arms. It felt good to have her in my arms once again. I know we haven’t been together all that long, but I feel so complete when I have her with me and in my arms. These past five days without her I have felt so empty. “Speaking of pups though, who is watching them? I know that Rae went to Florida.”

She giggled at my worry over the dogs. “Briana and Ali are. Faith has been staying at the house with me and didn’t want to go back to my mom’s when I left so Briana volunteered to stay at the house with her and Izzy. And Ali has been there for a couple of days because her kitchen is being remodeled.”

“Baz didn’t attack Ali, did he?” I asked since he is sometimes temperamental with new people.

“Surprisingly no, but I think the fact that she smelled like food and she gave him a French fry sold him.” she giggled. “One more question, the fact that you lost a baby with Lisa, is that why you’re so close with Faith? Like do you see her as a replacement?”

I took a deep breath and thought for a minute because I never really thought of it that way. I can see why she would see it that way, but I never saw it that way. “I love Faith, and as much as I love her calling me her daddy, I do know that she isn’t really mine.”

“It’s not a bad thing if you did, necessarily, I have just seen way too many movies where a person loses a child and fixates on another child and ends up kidnapping said child.” She said with a horrified look on her face.

“You watch way too much Lifetime.” I shook my head. “I would never kidnap Faith.”

“I know, just saying.” She shrugged. “Now, as much as I would love to just cuddle with you, we both have a job to do. And I am supposed to make sure you take your medicine.”

“No.” I whined. “I don’t wanna.”

Lo poked out her bottom lip, “Poor baby. But you have to take your medicine and we have to get back out there. Your set time is in like half hour and I know that the guys are going to attack me since no one but Matt knows I am here.”

“Fine! But I better get lots of cuddles tonight to make up for the past five days!” I shouted playfully as I got up to take my medicine and Lo grabbed her camera gear.

We walked hand in hand into the venue and over to the stage we were playing at. And Lo was right; all the guys attacked her with hugs and questions as soon as they saw her. I smiled at the scene because I knew this is where she belonged. Everyone has missed her and it makes me happy that she gets along with all of my friends and my family. Everything is now in place and I will never do anything to jeopardize our relationship again. I just hope I can convince Lisa to get the help that she needs so I won’t have to worry about her antics anymore.