You Never Really Can Fix a Heart

I ran as fast as I could, my feet slamming against the ground making my feet hurt but I didn’t care I just had to get away from my house. Away from Alex. I couldn’t go down this road again. Hot tears started streaming down my cheeks. I don’t know how long I had been running before I heard Zack and Rae calling after me, but I didn’t stop, I just kept running faster and faster. That is until I reach the park, where I finally stopped running and sat down on one of the benches. I hadn’t been sitting there long when Rae and Zack finally caught up to me and sat down on either side of me. “What the hell happened?” Rae asked as she fought to get her breath back.

“You’re crying, what’s going on? Did Alex do or say something?” Zack asked. His voice wasn’t angry like I thought it would be his voice was filled with concern.

“He didn’t do anything wrong. He’s actually a really good guy.” I choked back a sob.

“Then what is the problem?” Rae asked confused as she took a swig of her water.

“That is the problem! He’s a nice guy, too nice. I spent years hating him for being a complete asshole. Jack kept telling me that he’s a good guy, but I wouldn’t believe it. Last night he proved to me that he is a good guy by punching Blake in the face. He’s apologized countless times for the party. Then I had to go and have sex with him.” I rambled until Zack grabbed my face so I would shut up.

“You’re rambling and not making much sense. So you found out that we were right and Alex is a good guy, why is that such a bad thing?” he exasperated.

I pushed his hands away from my face so I could talk. “I felt the butterflies and I can’t and won’t feel the butterflies.” As soon as I said that they both knew why I was so upset. Ever since the situation with Blake and because of my past, I am terrified of love. I don’t believe in it. I don’t think that two people can fall in love and survive. Someone is always lying or gets hurt. Love isn’t real; it’s just a fabrication that Disney and Hallmark made up so people will buy their shit. I’ve never seen proof of it. In the sense that a man and a woman meet and instantly know that it’s love and spend their lives happily ever after, that is. I love my friends and I love my family, but that’s expected, those people are salvation so you have to love them.

“You can’t keep running from your fears, honey.” Rae said in a comforting tone. But something in me snapped.

“Oh like you aren’t still running?” I jumped up and she gave me a confused look. “You are still running from your past and from Landon. You still go out and hook up with random guys so you won’t get hurt. You don’t think a relationship can be real because they never last. They always end and someone always gets hurt. Your parents, my parents. You and Landon, me and Blake. But you have an amazing guy that keeps coming back and you keep using him and keeping him at arm’s length so you won’t get your heart broken all over again.”

“What are you talking about?” Is she really trying to play stupid with me? She knows damn well what I am talking about. Or is she took oblivious to her own actions that she can’t see what she is doing?

“Jack! You get so pissed every time he looks at me or jokes about hooking up with me. Why? Huh? Because you love him but you won’t admit it to him or to yourself. If you would just fucking tell him then he would be there for you and take care of you. We both know he would never intentionally break your heart. Hell I doubt he would even break your heart. He may joke about wanting me, but I see the way he looks at you. You may be a good fuck, but I doubt he would just keep coming back to you if he felt nothing.” I was practically yelling at her. Not because I was angry at her, but I wanted her to see what she is doing, and to see that she’s doing the same thing she’s telling me not to do.

“I haven’t told him because he does joke about hooking up with you, but I see in his eyes that he would fuck you if you gave him the chance.” She snapped at me which caused me to wince. I felt sick to my stomach and Zack looked at me wide eyed but Rae didn’t notice she just kept ranting. “And all three of us know that he hooks up with random skanks when he’s on tour. So I have kept my feelings to myself for the past two years because I am terrified that he’s going to be just like Landon. Landon practically lived with us and he still found time to cheat on me all the time. Hell he would go fuck his other girlfriend then come over and sleep in my bed just to fuck me in the morning. Jack is on the road all the time so he has a lot more opportunity to cheat on me. If I was oblivious with Landon I can be a lot more oblivious with Jack. I won’t do that to myself again. I know Jack is a good guy and there’s a good chance he wouldn’t cheat on me, but he’s a guy with needs and will give into temptation.”

By the end of her rant she was in tears. I felt bad for dredging up all of these feelings that we both have worked so hard to suppress, but I was scared that there is a crack in the wall around my heart that took Alex two seconds to make. We were both scared of getting hurt again. I know you’re probably thinking that it’s a part of life, but it’s so much more than just our past relationships. Its twenty one years of pain.

“And that’s exactly why I can’t let myself feel these butterflies. I have to push Alex as far away from me as I can. The sex last night wasn’t sex that I normally have with random guys. It wasn’t rough or a quick fuck. It was passionate, he was gentle and attentive. And when I woke up this morning he was lying there next to me and that scared me. For a brief moment I thought maybe this could be real. But then I remembered last night and how Blake showed up and all those painful memories crept up and I was back to reality. For all I know last night meant nothing to him. I was just another casual fuck that proves he’s like the typical male.” Now it’s my turn to cry.

“You’re wrong.” Zack blurted out. Both mine and Rae’s head snapped toward Zack and looked at him with confused expressions. “Both of you are wrong.”

“What do you mean we’re wrong? Wrong about what?” I asked highly confused as I wiped away my tears.

“Alex has for the past three and a half months done nothing about talk about you. Of course Jack and I kept our mouths shut about us knowing you, but he still talked about you. How beautiful you were, how he loved your snarky tone, how you intrigued him, how he needed to find you. It’s all we heard and it drove all of us nuts. He didn’t even look twice at any other girl, he still hasn’t. And I saw the look on his face this morning; he really likes you, Lo. The only time he’s ever had that look on his face was when he was with Lisa.” He explained to me. But before I could respond he turned to Rae and started talking to her.

“As for you, in the whole time Jack has been hooking up with you he hasn’t hooked up with any other girls. Okay that’s a tiny lie, he hooked up with one girl but that wasn’t just some causal fuck or even a one night stand. It may not have been a relationship, but it wasn’t just sex. I can’t tell you the entire story behind that because it’s not my place to, but he only has sex with you. Yes he may get shitfaced and make out with a girl; a few times he would let some skank give him a blow job. But it doesn’t go any further than that. I know that probably doesn’t help because you’ll just fear that he would make out with a girl while on tour, but I can guarantee that if you two were committed that the random making out and blow jobs would stop. He would be one hundred percent yours.”

I didn’t know what to think about what Zack had just said. Part of me wanted to tell him to fuck off because I want let myself be vulnerable again. But those damn butterflies want me to go back home and just tell Alex to never let me go. I looked over at Rae who I could tell was contemplating the same thing I was. “I’ll try and stop running if you do.” she told me.

“I make no promises, but I will try.” I shrugged. A huge smile broke out across Zack’s face then he pulled both of us into a group hug.

“I am proud of you both. And I know that you are strong girls who deserve the world. Take a leap of faith and if it doesn’t work out then we will get through it together.” He said as he kissed both of our sweaty foreheads.

“Together.” Rae and I said together. With that we decided that we would walk back home.

Alex’s POV:
I saw the panic looks on Zack and Rae’s faces when Lauren rushed out of the house. What the hell just happened? She was fine a few minutes ago. She obviously has a lot of baggage. I could see it in her eyes. There was so much troubling that girl, more than just her douche bag ex-boyfriend. Normally I run far away from girls like her because I don’t want to be mixed up in that drama. But there was something about Lauren that draws me to her. It’s like this magnetic pull that keeps pulling me toward her and won’t let me run away. She’s so enticing and I just want to know more about her and wrap her up in my arms and show her that she deserves to be loved. I admit I can be an asshole, but I wouldn’t hurt her like her ex. I’m just not sure Lauren will buy it, or how to convince her that I’m not the stereotypical douche bag guy.

“Is she going to be okay?” I asked Jack after Zack and Rae ran after Lauren.

“She’ll be fine. She’s probably freaking out since you guys slept together.” He said casually, but I’m not exactly sure what he meant by that.

“Why would that freak her out? Not to be an ass but it seemed that she hooks up a lot after what Rae said at the club last night.” I asked him, I was more curious about this girl now.

He sighed heavily like he really didn’t want to talk about it but did anyways. “I really shouldn’t say anything because Lo doesn’t talk about her life much. She is my best friend and I hate seeing her hurt, but you’re my best friend too so I’m torn on what to do. So please I’m begging you, don’t hurt her. Don’t use her. She’s a special girl, one that should be treated right.”

“I promise.” I assured him.

“Lo hasn’t had the best life so she’s a very guarded person. Yes she tends to hook up with guys a lot so she doesn’t have to get hurt. But you’re the first guy who she’s stayed all night with, hell you’re the first guy that she’s had sex with in her own bed. Well since Blake.” He explained. Now I see why she would be freaked out.

“Remember the girl I told you guys about from Christmas?” Jack nodded. “Lauren is that girl.”

“I know.” He said causing me to glare at him. “Don’t be mad at me, she threatened mine and Zack’s penises if we told you that we knew her.”

“You and Zack are really protective over her and Rae.” I stated.

He shrugged. “Zack more so than me. He grew up with Lo basically; she’s like family to him. Even though they dated for a while during our sophomore year. She’s really close with his family. Lo and Zack were neighbors when they were kids and had playdates or whatever. They met Rae in school and from what I’ve heard they were inseparable growing up. Then he joined the band and the girls got closer and since Zack wasn’t always with them he became insanely over protective. I met them by accident once when I was at the mall with May trying to find a birthday present for our mom. That was junior year but they never really came around. It was weird to me as to why they didn’t. Then I found out that Lo had a thing for you but stayed away because of Lisa. Something went down with those two, not entirely sure what though. But I didn’t become friends with them until we graduated, more so after they graduated. When I found out about their pasts I understood why Zack kept them away. He said it was because he had to keep them safe. Plus they had very high hopes of us getting famous and didn’t want to get caught up with that lifestyle. I know I haven’t given details but it’s not my place. But I would do anything for those girls. If it were up to me, I would have torched their ex’s houses and made sure they were in them.”

“Do you think she would give me a chance?” I asked seriously.

“Honestly, I don’t know. If you had asked me yesterday I would have said hell no. But after what happened, I have no clue. She doesn’t believe in love and after Blake won’t even attempt a relationship. You would have to talk to her about that.” He told me honestly.

“What about you and Rae? Why haven’t you guys gone past hooking up?” I questioned my best friend. I know he is the most immature guy I know, but I also know that he’s longed for a relationship. When I was with Lisa he told me that he envied what we had. I’m not exactly sure why since we broke up and got back together more times than I change my underwear. But he said he just wanted someone to share his life with. Lisa and I did have our moments so I guess I understand.

“She said she doesn’t want a relationship. Her ex cheated on her so she won’t settle down. She’s not as guarded as Lo, but enough to make me not ask her to be my girlfriend. I know her and I know she won’t commit. So I stick to hooking up with her. I’m actually surprised that she’s kept me around this long.” He sighed. I could see the hurt in his eyes which broke my heart.

“Maybe we’ll get lucky.” I tried to lift his spirits.

“Maybe.” He smiled before the door opened and Zack, Rae and Lauren came waltzing in. they were all laughing so I know that she was doing better.

“I’m going to go shower then make everyone food.” Lauren announced before running up the stairs with Rae close behind her.

“Everything cool with Lo?” Jack asked Zack.

“Yeah, she’s okay. But you both are in for a huge challenge.” Zack smirked but refused to explain what the hell he meant. A huge challenge? With what? But I was anxious to find out what he means. Maybe he convinced Lauren and Rae to give me and Jack a chance? I sure hope to god that he did.