Grade 8

November 7th

It was obvious Dr. Bishop tried to make her office as homey as possible for her clients, that from what Lena had seen in the few times she had been in the waiting room, who had a range of problems. She had seen more then one leaving with blood shot eyes from a good cry. The light green wall behind her desk housed two floor to ceiling bookshelves that held a number of different thick books, bone of which looked like they were meant for a bit of light reading rather for medical purposes. There were three paintings one on each wall that wasn't housing a bookshelf; a close up of a flower the reds of the petal swirling together making it hard to distinguish that it was in fact a flower, another abstract painting of a sky line, and one of the same sky line only now at night. The brown leather couch Lena spent an hour on every week was comfortable enough that she sank into its depths, it was about the only thing she enjoyed about going to see Dr. Bishop. Dr. Bishop herself was barely a year older then Lena's mom, her blonde hair was always pulled back in a ballerina bun and striking blue eyes amplified behind her glasses.

Dr. Bishop had been a suggestion from Lena's record company after she left the tour early it was time to put a stop to the imminent downfall of a soon to be pop star. At first Lena had been reluctant to open up but eventually she started to tell Dr. Bishop about her life. From her father who had left when she was just a year old to what happened to Danny. That had been a hard session when they had dived into her issues with Danny. There had been many tears shed that day but after it had all been said Dr. Bishop had talked her through her feelings. Each session Lena felt better and better she was finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. There was just one things left plaguing her mind. In the month that she been seeing her One Direction and the tour had been off limits.

"We've been doing these sessions for quite awhile, but we haven't spoken about One Direction." Dr. Bishop watched Lena carefully. "Would you be ready to talk about them now?"

"I guess." Lena had been reluctant to open up about her time with One Direction. It wasn't something she really wanted to talk about all it did was bring back memories and empties were bad. Memories brought back feelings. Feelings Lena didn't want to have anymore.

"What are they like?"

Lena let out one of many sighs. "They were fun to be around."

"Were you close to any of them over the others?"

Lena wanted to say no but the point of her coming to see Dr. Bishop was to open up. To stop bottling everything up until she lost control.

"Harry and Niall." Lena held her breath not letting it out until she was ready to say what she was about to say. "Harry's the one I was seeing."

"How did he make you feel?"

"I haven't felt right since Danny died." Lena said she brought her legs up on to the chair her own kind of shield from what she was going to say. "With Harry I felt better then I had since Danny was alive. I haven't stopped blaming myself for what happened to Danny but when I was with Harry I didn't feel guilty I felt - I felt ok. Finally just ok with everything."

"But he also caused you to hurt yourself?"

Lena shrugged. "I guess."

"I'll need a little more then that." Dr. Bishop said smiling softly. "Why did you start hurting yourself again?"

"I was just overwhelmed."

"About?"

"Everything." Lena sighed. "Being away from home, and Niall and I had just had a fight. Then Harry and Alexis drama. It was all just too much."

"Let's talk about the fight between you and -"

"Niall." Lena said quickly. "I told his girlfriend to treat him better and he didn't like it much."

"Why did you do that?"

"He's my beat friend, I was looking out for him." Lena's brow furrowed.

"You haven't talked about Niall before."

"No."

"Why not? He is your best friend after all." Dr. Bishop sat forward slightly that same comforting smile still present.

"He's in One Direction." Lena explained. "We agreed not to talk about One Direction until I was ready."

"And you're ready today." Dr. Bishop checked the watch on her wrist. "We have a little bit of time do you want to talk about him?"

"No." Lena said shaking her head.

"Alright back to what we were originally talking about then." Dr. Bishop sat back nodding her head. "Why did you start hurting yourself again?"

Lena shrugged again. "I already told you I got overwhelmed."

"Alright. Who is Alexis? You mentioned her before." Dr. Bishop made a note on her note pad. "And she's the cause of you relapsing, yes?"

"She's not the cause." Lena said venom taking over her voice. "She can't take the credit for that."

"You sound like you and her don't get along very well."

"No."

Dr. Bishop was the one to sigh this time. "Lena, we can't move forward if you won't explain things to me."

"She's the reason Harry and I didn't make it." Lena forced out. "They - they dated I guess. He wasn't over her when we met. I was a distraction for him while she figured out what she wanted."

"You were a distraction?"

"Yes."

"Why do you think that?"

"Because that's what was happening."

"And this caused you to hurt yourself again?"

"Part of the reason yes." Lena was to the point now where she just wanted to leave the therapy session and never come back.

"That first time you hurt yourself can you remember why?" Dr. Bishop asked. "This last time I mean."

"I can't remember." Lena let her legs drop from the chair. "I was a little drunk."

"Can you try to remember?"

"We went to a party, this big celebrity party." Lena explained. "It was supposed to be fun but it wasn't. Harry kept leaving me alone and I just kept feeling so out of place."

"That's understandable. You'd never been in that situation before." Dr. Bishop nodded along. "What happened when you left the party since that's obviously when you hurt yourself."

Lena thought back to that night after Ed's party. She remembered calling Preston to pick her up and she remembered the look he gave her when he found her sitting on the curb alone. It was like he was disappointed in her.

"Preston was disappointed in me." She said. "He was my security guy. He was kind of the only adult figure I had on my team. I called him to pick me up and he just looked so unhappy with me."

"What else?"

"I don't remember what happened when we drove back to the hotel." Lena sighed. "I know when I was alone in my room I couldn't stop thinking about Harry with Alexis. I went to this party with Harry and he blew me off for her."

"So that's when you did it?"

"Yes. I kept wanting to just go home but I couldn't. I just wanted to get away. I guess I just couldn't take it so I took a pair of scissors Lou had left in my room and I did it, and I had never felt so good."



November 14th

"Last time we talked about Harry." Dr. Bishop said taking her seat across from Lena a note pad in hand. "This time lets discuss Niall."

Lena gave her a nod. "Alright."

"How did your friendship start?"

Lena smiled fondly as she thought back to that first meeting. "I met him my first day on the tour. He was the most excited to meet me."

"Why's that?"

"He said he was a big fan of mine." Lena rolled her eyes. "After that he never left my side."

"So you were together a lot then?"

"I was probably in his bed more then my own." There was a pause before Lena realized what she was insinuating. "I just mean we liked sleeping in the same bed is all. Nothing ever happened between us."

"There were no romantic feelings between you?"

"Not in the slightest." Lena gave a firm nod of her head. "He was like a brother to me it would have been weird."

"While you were dealing with Harry, and his moods, where was Niall?"

"With me for the most part." Lena shrugged. "He'd tell Harry to fuck off if he was being to much of a jerk."

"You said last time that you had a fight that was part of the cause of you hurting yourself, yes?"

"Yeah."

"Tell me about the fight again."

"Niall got a tattoo of his girlfriends son's name on his chest and Sam didn't like it much." Lena explained. "She broke up with him and didn't talk to him for weeks."

"I see and that made you angry?"

"Yes." Lena furrowed her brow. "I didn't like seeing my best friend like that. When they got back together and she came to visit I told her not to hurt him like that."

"That seems reasonable." Dr. Bishop looked confused.

"Niall didn't think so. He's really protective, especially with Sam, so it just kind of made him mad that I would say something to her." Lena watched Dr. Bishop make another note she wondered what she always wrote down. "But he apologized for that already."

"Before or after you hurt yourself?"

"After." Lena let out a long breath. "He kind of found me in the middle of a panic attack and the silent treatment we'd been giving each other just kind of ended."

"Does he know?"

"About the cutting? Yeah."

Dr. Bishop was quiet for a moment. "What did he do when he found out?"

"He wouldn't let me out of his sight. Then he-he-uh-he told me he wouldn't know what to do if he lost me." Lena rubbed a hand over her thighs nervously. "I'm done talking now."

"Have you talked to him since you left?" Dr. Bishop pushed.

Lena shook her head. "He's called, almost everyday since I left, but I can't."

"Why not?"

"I left him. How could I talk to him?" Lena asked her voice giving away to her desperation. "I told him I'd see him the morning and then I just left."

"But he's been trying to contact you that must mean he wants to talk to you."

"Maybe."

"I think you should answer next time he calls."

"I'll think about it."