Wanderlust

“I'm going up to the look out, what to come with?” Mila asked me, holding her hand out to me as I sat on the porch steps the next morning.

“Sure.” I grabbed her hand, letting her help me up to my feet.

We climbed into the Jeep, settling in. She turned the engine over and took off, speeding down the trail towards the ever growing mountain. I wasn't mad about yesterday anymore, I didn't feel mad. When I thought of, Jaden, I felt irritated. I was mad that he lied to me, not that I told him about the memory.

“So what exactly is the look out?” I asked over the wind and the sound of the tires on the gravely road.

“We use it to look out to the borders, you can see Kruger's city from there.” She told me, and I felt my muscles tighten at the thought. I would be seeing where I came from for the first time, I'd be seeing where my maker lived.

“What's it like?” I asked her and she chewed on her lip in thought.

“I can tell you when we get there,” she offered and I nodded. We remained quiet as she stopped the Jeep at the edge of the mountain a few minutes later, telling me that we had to climb from there.
It wasn't a hard climb but when I reached up to the edge of a sturdy boulder, I was met with a view I wasn't prepared for. It was vast, trees for miles but in the distance, an industrious city rose high into the sky. I was cloaked in a haze and I squinted my eyes to capture it into memory. It felt familiar, the look of the buildings.

“I'm from inside those walls you know,” Mila told me after a examining the area like I was.

“You from the territory too?” I wouldn't have ever guessed she was from there.

She nodded, picking a leaf apart, “I was born there. My, Mother, wasn't from inside the walls but my, Father, was.”

“That's illegal,” I whispered in memory.

She smiled sadly, “Yes, yes it is.”

“What happened?” I pried, growing increasingly curious.

“Well, my Father was a soldier and went on frequent border patrols. When he was sent on a scouting mission to the slums, where he met my Mother. They quickly fell in love and he brought her back to marry her. Of course, it was illegal and when I was born, they almost killed both me and my Mother. Women aren't treated with any respect in those walls, we're seen as objects and my, Father, gave my Mother up to the enforcement's so her life would be spared. A few years later my Father was killed in a fight between revolutionaries, leaving my Mother a widow. I remember she changed, she became reckless. I was six years old when my Mother became a high end escort for, Kruger's, successors and advisers. She would disappear late at night and come back early in the mornings. She would come home with bruises or scratches, sometimes I would see her eyes glaze over and she wouldn't talk to me for hours. We were poor and my Mother couldn't afford schooling for me so on the verge of being institutionalized, she introduced me to her world at age nine.”

I watched her face changed, it distanced and she seemed to gather herself before continuing. “I lost my virginity when I was twelve by some old adviser who had a thing for young girls. I cried for hours and told my, Mother, about it. She told me to keep my chin up, that my value would go up as a young, experienced girl. I got use to it, the touches, the hits, the long nights that I've blocked out. I think it was fifteen when they altered my reproduction system. They made it so I couldn't have children, so I couldn't tarnish anyone's careers. It was hard, even at that age I cried when I realized that I couldn't continue on a generation, it was over. When I was eighteen, I've had enough and ran away one night. My mother had since my teenage years, turned to drugs to help her overcome the events that she went through. She didn't even notice me packing and leaving, she didn't answer when I told her I loved her and I was sorry. There's a night watch but there's a blind spot on one of the gates and I dug a hole deep enough to escape under. I remember the alarm going off just as I got through to the other side. They fired at me but I ran and eventually the night took me. I was on my own for a long time before I came across, Jay. I didn't really trust him at first but I couldn't help it, I fell in love with him. We have our problems though, that's why we fight all the time.”

“Mila,” I carefully started, “that's awful..I had no idea—I thought I had it bad.”

She laughed, “You do, trust me. Anyone who had to live inside that city had it just as bad as anyone else.”

“Why do you and Jay fight all the time though, if you don't mind me asking. You said you had your problems and that's why you fight all the time but you never said what it was.” I was cautious to ask her.

She looked a little embarrassed, looking down at her crossed legs, “We fight because I can't get intimate with him. It isn't his fault, he never tries to urge me to do anything I don't want to but I just shut off anytime that we get close. He tries to help but I can't be helped, it's just how I've learned to be in those situations.”

“It's crazy that you aren't mute or completely walled up, I probably would be.” I breathed out, shaking my head.

“No you wouldn't,” she smiled, “you'd be just fine. You're strong like everyone else here, just a different type of strong.”

I snorted, “Please, don't flatter me.”

“It's true, we all thought you'd turn out to be some crazy wilderness girl and have to put you down,” she joked, “we wouldn't really kill you but seriously, you've changed little by little.”
“I know, I don't know what has gotten into me.” I shrugged, “ Maybe I'm becoming myself again.”

“I heard about your memory, Jaden, told me,” she started and I rolled my eyes. “You were tortured?”

“I suppose, I have scars on my head. I'm not sure I want to remember more but it seems the more I settle in to being my own, the more my mind opens up. I'm afraid to have those memories, I want a happier memory.” I brought my knees up to my chest, wrapping my arms around my leg.

“You know, I know Jaden lied to you. I would be pissed, trust me, but don't be to hard on him. He's only looking out for everyone,” she hesitantly brought up.

“I'm not mad that he got the memory out of me, I'm mad because he lied to me. I don't like being lied to, I have a feeling that it happened a lot in my prior life,” I realized, feeling as if I gotten angry about someone lying to me without actually being lied to before.

“Well, if it's any constellation, he said you're brave.” Mila nudged me and I threw her a confused look.

“Jaden?” I wrinkled my nose, almost laughing at the thought of him saying something positive about me.

“He thought you were brave, although he didn't say it directly. He told me the story that you told him and when he explained it, it was written all over his face. He found it admirable in a weird way, I don't know. Jaden is weird, don't take it as a compliment.” She waved, tucking her hair behind her ears.

“I don't understand him,” I admitted. “He's an ass one second and then turns around and calls me brave? What is his problem.”

“I think you mean, 'problems'. I'm not the only damaged one, we all have our stories.” She stood, stretching her arms high above her head.

“Are they all as horrible as yours?” I asked, standing up next to her, making our way back down to the Jeep.

“That's for you to decide.” She hopped off a rock and onto the ground gracefully, walking over to the driver side.

“Would be weird if I asked? I mean, it's private, I wouldn't want to pry.” I shut the door, propping my feet up on the dashboard.

“Not at all. You should know the people you live with.” With the last word, she started up the Jeep and we headed off back to the house.