Wanderlust

I woke shortly after I had fainted, the ground moving beneath me even though I wasn't walking. I looked up and saw Jay was carrying me through the dark woods. I was freezing, my shivering starting back up as I woke up more and more.

“Put me down, Jay.” I grabbed his attention and he laughed a little.

“Yeah, sure.” He brushed me request off and kept walking with a tight hold on me.

“Seriously, Jay. Please, I need to walk or something.” I felt a small panic rising in me and needed to walk or move or just something.

He looked hesitant but stopped and let me step onto the ground with shaky knees. I slid my arms around myself, violently shaking as I saw the frost forming on the ground. Jay was quiet and I noticed that Jaden wasn't around anymore and I wondered where he was, what had happened.

“You sure you’re okay? You’re freezing,” he stepped up and slung his coat over me and I rejected the action.

“No, please don’t make yourself cold. I’ll be fine.” My fingers were numb and I couldn't feel any heat coming off me.

“Dahlia, don’t be stupid. Take the damn coat,” he slung it around me again and this time I gratefully took it.

“What happened, Jay? I passed out and Lily, she,” I paused, feeling incredibly embarrassed and confused, “wasn't real.”

“Well, Mila came running back to the Hanger. She was pounding on the door and she started going on and on about how you disappeared and she couldn’t find you. Marcus got a group together but it was just Jaden, Constantine and I. We were all hell bent on finding you when we found your footprints in the woods. We tracked you for awhile and then they disappeared along the riverbank. We started checking the area around there separately and Jaden found the hole you were in. You fainted and he crawled in a dragged you out of there and carried you over to us. Him, Marcus, and Constantine are behind us somewhere making sure that there isn't anyone else around here.”

I nodded, feeling as if I wanted to cry. “I feel so embarrassed, Jay. I swear, I really do, I swear that she was so real. I don’t understand.”

“Don’t beat yourself up, okay? Marcus thinks it has something to do with the shock therapy because there some girl, Rosa, who knows all about this stuff that he talked to after you told him your memories. We’ll get her to talk to you when we get back.”

“No,” I automatically rejected. “I don’t want anyone to know about this. I just won’t go outside again.”

“Do you realize how irrational that sounds?” Jay stopped me from walking, looking to his right to see a flashlight shining in the distance.

“I don’t care if it sounds irrational. No one knows about this, okay? The last thing we need is everyone looking after the girl who hallucinates small children,” I snapped slightly and felt remorseful about my tone. I was mostly mad at myself.

“Dahlia, no one thinks you’re crazy,” he told me quietly.

“I never said I was,” I planted in with a dead tone.

“You paraphrased it,” Jay stressed, crossing his arms. “You need to talk to someone about this, you can’t keep holding it all inside.”

“Just take me back, Jay.” I started walking again, seeing the light from flashlight shining on the ground ahead of us.

We kept walking in silence until we came to the brush that I had disappeared behind from Mila’s sight. The light caught the edge of a footprint and it was alone, the sight gave me chills. Jay didn't say anything went we stepped over them and out into the opening to the edge of the mountain side. He walked up and stopped, turning to me.

“We have to wait for the others to catch up,” he told me without making eye contact.

I quietly nodded, moving down to sit on the ground. My muscles ached and I was still shivering badly. Jay stood as still as a rock and I felt weak and small compared to his stature at the moment. I felt like a burden after what had happened. I had told Marcus everything would be okay but everything was not okay, it never was or has been.

I could see two flashlights shining in the distance after a few minutes or so, getting up to my feet once again. My bones cracked painfully as Jay raised his fist to knock on the metal door. It swung open, and I was let in first. The warmer air greeted me and I felt goosebumps erupt all over me. I also saw Mila and Millie waiting off to the side on the ground, getting up quickly to jog over to me. They wrapped me up in an embrace, but pulled back with my lack of response.

“Are you alright?” Mila looked like she could put all the blame on herself. Oh, how wrong she was. Did she even know? “I turned around and you were gone, were you captured?”

“No, I’m alright,” I muttered weakly.

When Millie tried to pry a little bit more, Jay cleared his throat and shook his head slightly. I heard the door close behind us and saw Constantine, Marcus, and Jaden shrugging off their coats. I knew Marcus would want a word, probably everyone would want to talk to me but I took off before they could settle in enough to get to me.

I kept Jay’s coat hugged tightly around me as I steered clear from going back to the group quarters, they’d find me easily there. Instead, I walked for the crop. I knew I could sit off in the corner and be uninterrupted since there was no harvesting at night often. My feet were creaking in a tight grip, surely they would be blistered from being cold for so long.

I found the corner I was searching for, the wall of the Hanger rising swiftly above me as I made the move to get my boots off. My feet breathed in relief, the red chapped skin paled a little as the blood rushed from my feet. I could feel some onset symptoms of being out in the cold too long setting in. My hair was damp and I was still having phantom shivers as I set Jay’s coat over my feet to warm them up. I leaned my head against the wall, looking up at the ceiling as I felt hot tears drip over onto my cheek as I let myself breathe for a second. I was partly wondering if anything that has happened to me has really happened. Has my life been one big hallucination? My mind couldn't wrap around that thought, too much has happened.

I heard the dirt shift beside me as a presence slid down the wall next to me, a heavy sigh coming from them. I let my eyes wander over to see Jaden twisting a bottle of pills in his hands. I let my eyes roll back, scoffing under my breath.

“You people don’t know when to let something be,” I commented defeated.

“Us ‘people’ are worried, you gave us a hell of a scare,” Jaden quickly told me but slowed his words down as he continued, “you need to tell someone what happened.”

“No,” I told him point blank.

“Dahlia, it’s not healthy to keep everything inside all the time,” he argued.

“You can save the lecture because Jay has already given me one,” I snapped to him, desperately trying to coax my tears back into my eyes. “I want to be left alone.”

“Yeah okay,” his voice bridged irritation. “I’m trying to help you, Dahlia. You need to say something, if you don’t you could just be a prisoner in your own thoughts and memories.”

“I already am,” I broke, inhaling a shaky breath. Jaden looked a little startled, not realizing that I was at this point emotionally.

“Dahlia,” he started carefully but I wasn't having anymore coaxing.

“Please leave me alone. If you want to help, leave me alone, Jaden. I’m really not asking for much.” I turned my head away from him, crying was something I hated doing, even alone.

“At least let me take you to the infirmary, you could be suffering some mild hypothermia.” I wanted to reject that offer too but it wouldn't be a bad idea.

I snaked the coat from around my feet and tossed it Jaden as I got up, wiping the tears from my eyes. “I’ll go alone, get that back to Jay.”

“At least let me make sure you get there,” he insisted quietly.

“I’ll be fine,” I murmured to him as I walked further away.

“Keep telling yourself that,” I heard him call and I winched.

It was more than obvious that I was not okay, lying to myself was the easiest thing to do if I couldn't lie to other people. I kept walking, most people staring as I passed either because they got wind that someone went missing or I looked insane without any shoes and matted hair. I didn't care though, they could stare all they wanted. The Infirmary was directly behind the Market and the people who worked there were trained professionals. There was one woman though who I would go too and that would be, Rosa. If the others would finally do me the favor of leaving me alone, I would do Jay a favor and go see her.

I walked in, seeing a few people around. A man walked up to me, asking if I needed any assistance. I just requested for Rosa and waited quietly at the entrance. There were a few injured people here, if anyone else was here, they were sick. Some viruses still make it in every once in a while.

“Hi there, I’m Rosa.” A small, short woman spoke. Her hair was dark and braided in a long strand.

“I’m Dahlia,” I smiled weakly and her kind smile disappeared and she looked like she pitied me.

“Marcus’s cousin,” she told me and I knew he must had told her something about me.
“Yes,” I nodded quickly, moving on. “I was the girl who went missing and their insisting that I come and see you so would you mind giving a look over to make sure I’m not on the verge of hypothermia or something?”

Rosa smiled sweetly, “If you had hypothermia, you wouldn't be standing. Come back with me, I’ll take a look.”

I followed her down the line of cots set up and behind a curtained area. She gestured for me to take a seat on the chair. I waited as she put some gloves on, lifting my chin up to feel around my throat. She looked at my hands and feet, doing some simple tests before she moved to my hair line. I was confused until I realized she was looking at my scars and immediately moved back, feeling insecure.

“Please, could you not?” I politely asked.

“Marcus told me about the scars, I have one of my own.” She pulled her sleeve up and I saw the scar that she had on her wrist like mine. I didn't feel any better but let her look again.

“This scarring is consistent with Kruger’s form of shock therapy, although I think it’s a form of torture. I was an assistant as the hospitals, I was often there when he would bring the next unwilling participant in. The tongs they use have micro thin needles on them, they inject a chemical I was never allowed to know into your brain tissue as the electrical wave travels through your body. The electrical current harms you physically, the injection from the needles harm you mentally. The current does its job by erasing your memories but the injection messes with your long term memories and conscious state. Tell me, have you had any weird occurrences lately? Remembering memories differently or hallucinating?”

I could almost laugh, “You have no idea.”

Her face fell in a grim line, “I’m sorry this has happened to you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I knew something wasn't right but I didn't know about any of this.
“The injection corrupts how you perceive you memories if you get them back. Some are normal and come with a trigger like a smell or a déjà vu experience. Other’s come with very vivid and realistic dreams. They are real to you and at that time of remembering something, the mental torture comes with not being able to determine if it’s a memory or reality. The people Kruger experimented this one often drove to insanity because of paranoia of not being able to trust themselves. It depends on how the mental threshold of the patient is though, some got on with their lives and try to know when it’s happening. There’s no cure though, there never will be without the technology or medicine.”

“So you’re telling me my mind is playing tricks on itself without knowing it?” I felt worse than before suddenly.

“That’s one way to put it, yes.” She removed her gloves, tossing them in a trash bin.

“I’m crazy,” I muttered, letting my head fall into my hands.

“No you’re not,” she assured softly.

I took a deep breath, “Thank you for clarifying this. Am I healthy?”

“You’ll probably be tired for a few days, you should keep yourself warm. Your temperature was low and my guess is that you were on the brink of hypothermia so don’t be afraid to layer up.” She smiled at me again, this time, it was forced.

“Will do.” I walked from the Infirmary, a fresh new worry on my mind.

Things weren't supposed to be like this, things were supposed to be better in here. Things are worse than when I lived in the forest, which seems like an eternity ago. I just wanted to normalize my life a little, familiarize myself with myself. All it’s gotten me is a mind full of unknown fright and demons. With knowing what I know now, I was scared for the nightmares anymore. I was afraid of reality now, reality was no longer a safe haven for me now.