Wanderlust

I lied awake in bed, tossing and turning all night without any use. It had been a little more than a week since I had talked to anyone and anyone had talked to me. It was how I wanted it, what I had asked for. I knew it was killing Millie and Marcus the most. I avoided the slightest of chance of having to say something because I knew they would want to know what exactly had happened out there in the forest. I wasn’t ready to tell that story because I didn’t understand it exactly yet, much like most of the memories I remember. I don’t remember Lily or her parents, I don’t remember ever being in that area.

I quietly tossed the covers off of me, slipping on my boots as I exited the room. Things were quiet as I stepped into the hallway, wanting to walk my thoughts off. I wrapped the green knitted sweater tighter around me as there was chill in the air tonight. The generator must have shut off for a while since it was so late at night. The food stands were packed up and the Hanger looked stripped clean at night, it was an odd sight to see.

I kept walking ahead, not seeing really anyone out. I saw a woman walked from behind one of the stands, she was dressed warmly, which confused me because we were inside. I ignored her presence but her persisting stare caused me to look over every other minute or so. It seemed she was walking with me but much off to the side and ahead of me. She was like a shadow and I walked over to her curiously.

“Do I know you?” I asked shakily, feeling a weird feeling talking to her.

She smiled but held no answer for me but just kept walking ahead. I followed, bewildered by her manner. I saw her wrist held the same scar as I and I felt a connection then, in which she came from where I did.

“You came from inside the border?” I offered but she again, smiled, and kept walking ahead.

I trailed behind her not really sure why I was following her but stopped on the edge of the harvesting ground we had plowed earlier yesterday. It was very dim over the field but saw a small figure dancing around as the woman walked forward. I stayed on the edge of the field as she held her hand out to the dancing figure. They stopped, skipping over and taking her hand without a thought. She led the small figure out and my breath caught when I saw the woman walking back to me with Lily in tow. My breath shook as Lily looked straight into my eyes, smiling up at me like she had known me all her life. I only stared down at her as she passed, turning to watch the woman, who was now classified as her Mother, walk further away. My eyes followed but someone else was standing off some feet away.

“Dahlia?” My head snapped up to the voice and I shook my head harshly, blinking rapidly as I looked to see Lily and her Mother now gone.

I heaved a exasperated breath, tears springing to my eyes as I looked back to Jaden, sleep ridden but wider awake now that I’m backing away from him. I turned, not wanting him or anyone to see me in this state, not again. He was in front of me with in a second, blocking me from going any further.

“Dahlia?” He asked again, this time forcing me to look at him. “What is it?”

I peeked around his shoulder seeing Lily’s Mother walking towards us, an innocent smile on her face as she did so. She had a sway to her as she walked and I only felt my heartbeat pick up faster and faster.

“She won’t leave me alone,” I gasped lowly, stepping around him to the woman. “Who are you?”

“Who are you talking to?” I heard Jaden questioned, “No one is here but us, Dahlia.”

“Leave me alone.” I gritted my teeth tightly in anger but it dissipated as her face morphed slowly in a pooling fashion into the half rotted and decayed mess I had laid eyes on back in the hole.

My hand flew up to my mouth, a small cry coming from my lips as shutter so hard I thought I might fall down. I turned, frightened but only saw Lily standing at my feet with the same nightmarish but all too real dead look to her but she wore a smile that could only haunt you in nightmares. I let my hands cover my face, completely refusing to recognize anyone else’s presence as I felt the panic attack close in on my.

“Dahlia.” Jaden’s voice sounded far away as I only clenched my hands to my face tighter as he tried to pry them free. I was suddenly enclosed against him as he held on tightly, saying something that I couldn’t concentrate on. “Breathe, they aren’t real, Dahlia.”

They aren’t real. Not anymore and not ever. Breathe, I told myself repeatedly until I let my hands fall from my face, defeated tears still streaming a clean line down my cheeks.

“You shouldn’t be seeing this,” I whispered, not daring to look up at him.

“I should,” he answered strongly. “Don’t hide this, it’ll kill you.”

“I feel like it already did,” I mumbled under my breath, thinking about why he was here. “Why are you here?”

“You woke me up as you left and I followed you since no one knows what you’ve been up to the last week. Has this been happening every day?” The concern in his voice made me at least look up at him for a second.

I cautiously turned back around, afraid that some new random dead person would be standing in front of me. No one was there and I felt my muscles relax slightly, my shoulders still hunching forward a small fraction.

“No, you caught me in the first one that has happened. This one was different though, it was like I was having a nightmare while I was awake. Rosa, told me that would happen.”

“Rosa? What did Rosa tell you?” Jaden stepped around into my view once again.

“I’d rather not talk about it, Jaden. I’m tired and just—just done with it. If you want to know so badly, go ask her yourself tomorrow. Although, I doubt she’ll tell you,” I shrugged lazily as I felt tiredness creep up on me for the first time in a couple days.

Jaden side stepped me every time I tried to go around him and I grew irritated quickly. “I’m not letting you get out of this one again, not this time. I can’t sit back anymore and let this torture you, Dahlia.”

“It already is. Besides, there’s nothing I can do about it.” I finally got a step around him and kept moving forward back to the quarters.

“Dahlia, we’re worried about you. You can’t keep us in the dark any longer, it’s not fair,” he tried to justify to me as I slowed down to face him.

“What’s not fair is that I asked for privacy about this and I can never get it respectfully or without you butting in at some point,” I snapped at him with an even voice.

“No, you’re wrong. What’s not fair is that you went missing and I looked for you for hours until I did find you and when I did, you weren’t there. That wasn’t you and when you were brought back, you fainted and I never heard anything from you or anyone about it since then. Imagine how it’s affecting me and not just you. Something is wrong with you and I care about you too much to let it just slide by anymore,” he heaved and I stood back stiffly.

He was right, he needed something. I never thought it’d bother him to much though. I ran a hand through my knotted hair and sighed as I caved in. “I’m sick, I suppose. The form of shock therapy, Kruger, used on me was experimental. It contained an injection that goes into your brain tissue as you’re shocked. Its effects get stronger as I remember things more and more until finally, reality and my memories are almost unidentifiable from one another. Some of the patients it was done on went insane, some learned to cope with it. Obviously, I am not dealing with it too well.”

“So, will it kill you?” He asked hesitantly.

“No unless I’m the one killing myself.”

“I’m sorr—,” he started but waved him off.

“The last thing I need is your sympathy or pity. It makes me feel more vulnerable and pathetic than I already feel.” His face grew unreadable at my words.

“Surely you know that you’re not alone in this right? Everyone is here, waiting for you to just accept our help.” He stepped a little closer but I eased away.

“I told you what is wrong, please, don’t ask for anything more,” I chewed on my lip a little as he held an odd deflated look on his face. “Thanks.”

I turned and just left him there, sleep practically over taking me as I walked back to the quarters. And as I did make it back and never heard Jaden return after me, I fell asleep and felt the relief of finally knowing who exactly Lily was too me show up in my dreams.