Wanderlust

“You don’t remember what could have brought it on?” Rosa asked, writing down what I said through the two hours I had been here, stuck against my will.

“No,” I told her for the umpteenth time. “My day was pretty fine before then. I’ve been taking those herbal things before I go to bed and I haven’t had any impressionable nightmares.”

“Mila has told me everyone has been under a considerable amount of stress since your group’s departure. Would that have anything to do with that?”

“I don’t know,” I mumbled. I’m sure the stress was the cause of this mess but that was unlike anything I had experienced, that was different.
“Well, Dahlia you’ll need to be honest with everyone about this if you want to keep healthy. Talk about your memories, share something with someone.”

“Okay,” I lied. “I can do that.”

“And if I ask say, Millie or Mila about anything you would have told them they’d have something to share?”

I bit down on the inside of my cheek, lying through my teeth. “I don’t see why they wouldn’t.”

“Good,” Rosa smiled warmly. “I’ll leave you to rest, I want you in here over night to observe you.”

“Meaning, to sedate me if I have another mental breakdown?”

“Oh, you can put yourself out if you do.” Rosa teased, pulling the curtain forward to give me some privacy.

I looked down and saw my arm wrapped up, some small scratches covering my fingers and I could feel a stingy jab when I touched around on my neck. I probably scratched myself in the struggle, which I don’t remember. I just remember the pain and the feeling of being contained in something that wouldn’t allow me to breath. I remember Millie trying to calm me down in all her panic. I just remember mainly the feeling of dread, like I was finally ready to give up. Was this house it was going to be from now on?

“Knock, knock.” I looked up and saw Mila lingering by the other side of the curtain. “I waited until Rosa left, I didn’t want to interrupt.”

“That’s alright,” I put on a smile. “What brings you around here?”

She looked at me quizzically, “Are you being serious, I can’t tell.”

“No,” I looked down to my hands. “Surprised you came by.”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Mila sat down at the end of my bed, pulling a leg up under her.

“I dunno, I feel like a basket case. Maybe you guys shouldn’t be around me, I’m bad air right now. You two don’t need any more stress.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, we’re going to support each other no matter what. Including your ment—problems,” she covered quickly.

“It’s okay, I am mental.”

“No you’re not! You’re just, a little checked out at times. Everyone has those moments.” She was trying hard to make me feel better.

“So you pass out in a crazed state too? Begging to be killed?”

“All the time,” she joked lightly. “We don’t thinking any differently of you, it’s not our job to judge you or hold anything against you.”

“Tell that to, Millie. She seemed pretty dead set on reminding me about all of my problems.”

“She’s just upset and stressed. She’s really worried about you, she was to afraid to come and visit. She thinks you’re mad at her.”

I sighed, “I’m not mad at her. I mean I was but none of that matters now. Tell her to quit being dramatic and visit me, yeah?”

“I can do that,” Mila reached for my hand, squeezing it lightly.

I was left alone for a few more hours after she left. Millie never came to visit me until very late that night when I had managed to fall asleep. She looked guilty and tired, like she had been thinking about what to say for a while. She shook me awake, a sheepish smile on her face.

“Hi.” Her voice was quiet among the other sleep patients and people that occupied the room.

“Hi,” I grumbled, waking up.

“Sorry I’m coming so late, I didn’t know what to say.” She crossed her arms tightly in front of her.

“You could have waited until tomorrow when I’m released,” I offered but she looked a little offended, like I didn’t want her here. “But now is fine.”

She relaxed a little and sat down in the chair next to my bed. “Are you okay now?”

“I suppose. I feel fine.” I was being honest.

She looked down at her feet and I could feel the apologize bubbling up to the surface. I waited. “You know I didn’t mean any of those things I said, right? I’m just messed up right now and you were just trying to help and I feel so incredibly guilty because I only stressed you more. I feel like this is my fault.”

“Millie, stop. It’s not your fault, I don’t know when these things are going to happen. I’m not mad, you’re forgiven.”

“Really?” She asked surprised and I nodded. “Good, I feel better.”

I smiled weakly in the darkened room, feeling like I would say goodbye and see her tomorrow but then she settled into a new topic.

“Did you mean it?” She seemed apprehensive to ask whatever it was she was asking.

“Mean what?”

“Before you passed out, you told me to kill you and it looked like you meant it.”

I felt the atmosphere shift around us to a more depressing tone. “At the time, yeah, I meant it.”

“Why?” She scooted forward, curious and frightened. “Why would you want such a thing to happen to you?”

“At that time Millie, I couldn’t see rationally. I just wanted it to stop, death would have been a great escape.”

“Have you always felt like that?”

“No,” I assured her, knowing that she didn’t like what she was hearing. “Just that one time. I’ll know better next time, try to keep a clearer head.”

“Good because I can’t lose you. You’re too important, okay?” She was upset over the thought, I could see that it would bother her for a while.

“No dying, got it.” I promised her. “Let’s keep all this a secret though. I don’t want Marcus or Constantine, the others to know about this. They’ll feel guilty and worried.”

“They’d want to know though, especially Jaden.”

“Jaden can live without knowing. Besides, he won’t be concerned with my state when he gets back.” I could tell that going off on some makeshift war was the start of a reckoning for him, for Marcus as well. I knew this was important to them, the cause to save.

“You know that’s not true. I’m not stupid, Dahlia. I know he went back to you before they left. I know him better than anyone else, he really cares for you.”

“As nice as that sounds, it was a last minute thing. It was impulsive; just in case. That is what he told me, just in case he doesn’t make it back. If it were any other time or day or situation, he wouldn’t have done it.” I like the idea of Millie’s optimism coming back more than I did the idea of Jaden’s feelings at the moment.

“I promise you, when he comes back, he won’t stray from you. Just wait and see, he’s here for it, for you.”

“Are you sure you aren’t having hallucinations too?” I teased, a yawn slipping past my lips.

“Very funny,” she smiled slightly. “I’ll let you sleep though, you’re tired.”

“I won’t deny it.” I nestled into my bed once more giving Millie a quiet goodbye as she left me to sleep a dreamless sleep.

“Tomorrow is the halfway point. How are you feeling?” Rosa asked me weeks later, sitting on a broken looking stool as I uneasily sat opposite to her.

“Good.” I smiled tightly, “My nightmares haven’t been as persistent.”

“What about you visions, hallucinations rather, how have they been?” Rosa had been quick to catch on when I was lying after our daily appointments that had become habitual.

I cleared my throat, tugging at the sleeves of my shirt. “Those have been absent.”

“It’s easier if you tell the truth, we talked about this Dahlia.” Rosa looked up fully to look me in the eye. I couldn’t help but respect her with all the help she was giving me.

“I scratched my arm up,” I sighed, caving in. “I thought I felt the tracker in my arm still, I could have sworn I felt the wires and vibrations of it.”

“But it’s not,” Rosa told me seriously. “Let me see your wrist.”

I rolled my sleeve up, revealing the long scratch marks around the scar on my wrist. “I snapped out of it though, on my own too.”

“That’s good, progress.” I still saw the slight grimace present itself on her face.

“But?” I sat back, ready for the lecture I knew I was about to get.

“This unintentional self-harming, it has got to stop. You’re going to leave scars or do something serious enough to injure yourself extensively. I want you to find something you can turn to when you feel as if you’re going to slip. Find, I dunno, something like a ball of clay that we have all around here to grab on to. Squeeze and pull at that instead of your skin, okay? Let’s try that for now. If it doesn’t, I’ll think of something else. But until then, continue talking to Mila and Millie. They didn’t have much to say this week.”

“Okay,” I nodded, rising up from where I was sitting. “I’ll see you.”

“Be careful.” Rosa rubbed my shoulder comfortingly as she passed.

I pursed my lips in response to Rosa’s proposal, starting off to find Millie. She was going to cut my hair again, it was getting longer. It reached almost to the bottom of my ears and I was pulling at it in my sleep still. As irritating as it is, you think that I wouldn’t do it. I found her knitting something instead of sewing when I reached her.

“Look at what I’m making!” She happily held up an almost finished looking hat.

“What’s different about this one compared to the dozen other ones you made that has you giddy?” I took a seat beside her, catching the cap as she tossed it at me.

“It’s for you! That other one you have is starting to smell and frankly, it’s a hideous color.” She grabbed the cap back from me, continuing to knit.

“It’s comfortable, that’s all that matters.” I sighed, looking down to pick at my nails.

Mille let out a sound of disagreement under her breath as she ignored my carelessness to look decent.

“You two ready?” Millie and I looked up to see Mila standing in the doorway. Neither of us had heard her approach.

“Ready for what?” I was confused but more concerned over the anxious look on her face.

“Did you seriously forget?” Her anxious look changed to a displeased disbelief. “Today is the halfway point—,”

“The list,” Millie solemnly said. As quickly as her bright mood appeared for the first time in ages, it disappeared.

Mila motioned for us to follow her and Millie carefully set down the unfinished cap and I quietly followed. None of us said anything, we didn’t really know what to say. Oh, I’m sure everything is alright. We all knew that everything isn’t alright and it wouldn’t be for a good while.

Millie clutched onto my hand tightly as we saw a crowd of people ahead of us. All of them were as quiet as us until the first cry broke out from the crowd and then suddenly every one came alive, shoving to see the list. We stayed at the edge. Mila stepped forward though, disappearing into the mosh pit of people. I tapped my foot worriedly as I saw her head bobbed to the front, stopping for a minute and turning to come back to us.

She was expressionless until she reached for us, wrapping her arms around our necks. I heard her let out of sound between a laugh and sob. She pulled back, nodding quickly.

“I didn’t see any name I knew. They’re okay.” She smiled as she wiped a lone tear away from the corner of her eye.

I couldn’t help but look around at the people who weren’t as lucky as us. The ones who could barely stand and by the looks of it, more than half the people had someone clinging to them.

“How many people were on the list?” I wondered aloud but wasn’t sure if I wanted to know.

“There were a lot, probably half,” Mila told me meekly, almost guilty.

“Jesus,” Millie whispered, the relieved look vanished at the fact.

“But it’s halfway over now, they’ll be back soon,” Mila assured her.

“Who’s to say though that in this amount of time half the people are gone, the other half won’t be gone by the end?” I watched the panic fill Millie’s face and grabbed her hand along with Mila.

“We’ll get through it. Waiting will be the easy part now, it’ll be fine.” My voice sounded rehearsed though. The reassuring and statements of optimism were home grown from my head and put on auto pilot to relay to Millie at a notice moments.

“What will we do if they don’t make it back though?” Millie let go of our hands, stopping in front of us. “What would become of us?”

“We’d figure it out,” Mila reached out for her but Millie moved back.

“I just have to be alone for a little bit. I need to calm down.” She scurried away, back in the direction we had come from.

“Are you, okay?” Mila seemed as monotone as I was when she asked me.

“I’m fine,” I replied and we both new that took a different meaning of ‘why in the hell would I be okay at a time like this?’

“Me too.” She hooked arms with me, starting us back to the room.

“Millie was going to cut my hair today but I don’t think she’ll be up for it anymore.”

“I can do it.” Mila looked up at my hair, shrugging. “I can’t screw up chopping hair down as short as you get it, right?”

“Ask, Millie.” She smiled and everything seemed to simmer down to normalcy quickly.

The reality around us was numb and repetitive. We acted like we were happy and we believed it. We continued on like we were fine and we believed that as well. But at the same time, there was nothing fake about it. It was denial and for us that was as real as it was right now.