Wanderlust

“How have you been?” Rosie asked through my dazed thoughts.

“Huh?” I shifted in my chair, my eyes feel deep in my skull. "I'm sorry."

“I asked how you’ve been. We haven’t seen each other for about four weeks.” She crossed her legs, folding her hands in her lap as she looked at me with hidden concern in her face.

How do I tell her that it’s gotten bad again? That two days after our last meeting, I've dropped off the deep end. Should I even tell her? I was lacking in any clear thoughts, I could only have the repeated imagine of my false thoughts in my head.

“I’ll be quick!” I called back to Mila. “I’ll meet you down by the Market in a bit, I need a shower.”

I heard Mila call some sort of answer back to me as I shut the bathroom door. I was muddy and smelled from digging around in the dirt for most of the day. I’ve had a pulsing headache since I woke which has been making feel slow to do things today as well. I wanted a warm shower, no matter if it was only to be a few minutes, just to get some hot water to easy my tense frame.

I disrobed, pushing my clothes off to the side as I stepping into the running water. I hummed a little as I lathered my hair, scrubbing the dirt from my skin. My eyes were closed in contentment but slightly burned from the strong soap solution that was made daily. I opened them, turning to rinse myself.

I shrieked when I looked down at my hands, seeing blood run down my body, staining my skin. I looked all over myself but found nothing that was causing the bleeding. I looked up, the water was run red with blood. My breathed turned short as I stopped the shower and quickly wrapped myself up in a towel. Tears stun my eyes as I looked in the mirror, my skin was red and cracked.

The door busted open and I jumped back from a stranger dressed in heavy uniform. An automatic rifle hung from their chest and I fell to the ground, crawling and clawing myself from them. I looked down the hall and heard screaming. I saw Millie and Mila both being held by their hair, their wrists tied behind them as their beaten face oozed blood.

“Dahlia! Run! Get out of here!” Millie cried as she struggled against another darkly dressed stranger. “They’re killing everyone!” I couldn’t respond before the stranger raised a gun and shot her in the head point blank.

Blood sprayed across the walls and Mila’s inconsolable, shaking body on the ground. I couldn’t make a sound. I was yanked off the floor, the towel falling off me.

“Mila!” I screamed but only saw the fleeting image of the stranger turning and shooting Mila as well. I didn’t see the aftermath, only her pleas for her life being cut off by a single shot.

I was shoved back into the bathroom, stumbling back against the shower. “Please!” I was crying hysterically. “Please, don’t do this! I’m not you enemy!”

The stranger pulled the mask off his face and slid down to the floor and held myself. I looked up at Marcus, the deadness in his eyes captured me as he raised the gun in his hand.

“Kruger sends his condolences.” He smiled and I could only choke on my sobs, no longer begging for life.

“Marcus, don’t—,” I started but the shot fired and the last feeling was of me falling over into the shower.

I didn’t feel any pain. I didn’t see anything but light and an overwhelming feeling of being held down in a numb oblivion. Death did feel as I would have thought it would have felt. I opened my eyes and saw that I was staring up at the ceiling. The water wasn’t running as I sat up frantically. I wasn’t covered in blood, only drying soap. I was shivering as I curled up against the wall.

“I’m not okay.” Rosa sat up straighter. “I’ve been having hallucinations again, even in my dreams. Mila and Millie have been waking me up from where ever I wander off to in the middle of the night to get me back to bed. Most of the time it’s the same thing, all of us being shot and killed. Sometimes I’m watching everyone die but me and I have to watch their corpse’s burn as I’m for some reason allowed to live. I’m alone again and there seems to be no one else but me in the world.”

“Have you been taking those herbal supplements that I’ve been giving you?”

“Every night but they don’t work anymore, Rosa.” I covered my arms self-consciously. The scratches and nail marks were scabbing over and I didn’t want to scare Rosa by how bad it has gotten.

“I could have you sleep in the infirmary. Someone could watch over you at night to make sure you wander off or harm yourself,” her eyes looked down to my clutched fists and arms. “I don’t know what other medicine I could give you though, Dahlia. I’m sorry.”
“No, Rosa. You’ve been more than helpful, you have no reason to apologize.” I swallowed harshly, looking down at my feet. “If it’s alright, I’ll just stay in my quarters for now. We’ll just start putting a lock on the door at night to keep me from leaving.”

“If you think that will help.” Rosa looked hesitant. She looked at me like I was someone who had be locked up, that I was going crazy.

“I don’t think anything will help. I just want to be where I’ll be more comfortable.” I rose from my chair, giving Rosa a small smile before leaving.

Mila and Millie have constantly been watching me. Making sure I was going to leave reality, making sure I’m clear and sane. I haven’t been able to work, to leave the quarters, sleep; showering was something that wasn’t happening much. My body ached constantly, the same headache has been pounding and digging its claws into my head from day in and out. Maybe I was going crazy. I felt insane.

I sat on my bed, partly glad that I was alone. I had lost some weight, enough for my clothes to hang just a little looser on my hips and shoulders. I crossed my legs and felt my eyes burn as I keep the tears at bay.

“Stop it.” I scolded myself quietly. “Don’t cry.”

I gritted my teeth, trying desperately to keep my sanity and self in check. I breathed deeply, trying the exercises that Rosa had taught me the day after the incident. I slowly trying to relax myself, feeling my heart rate decrease but my muscles were still tight and locked. I opened my eyes when the breathing didn’t work but looked numbly down at my arms as I saw my nails digging into my skin. I released myself, rubbing the newly forms crescent marks that were red against my paling skin.

The door opened and Millie shuffled in, something behind her back. “I have a surprise for you,” she sang happily.

I waited as she stopped in front of me, holding out a small enclosed pot of soup. I smiled, seeing the steam blur the glass under heat. I took it from her, peeling the lid off as I inhaled the contents.

“It smells great.” I smiled the best I could. “Thank you.”

“I just want to see you eating more. Something filling at least.” She twirled her hair nervously through her fingers.

Millie pitied me, it was obvious. Mila shared the same mannerisms around me as well lately. I felt my smile fade as I realized that I was pitied. That meant I was weak, vulnerable. It meant that I couldn’t take care of Millie or Mila anymore. I was unfit to comfort them as I saw them still hold the longing look in their eyes to get their loved ones back. I wanted them back too but now, they were on their own. I was on my own.

I started eating the soup for her benefit though. Shoving in the hot soup as she smiled happily with herself. She stayed at watched me eat the entire thing until I was done. I felt sick and full. My stomach turned at the amount of food it held viciously.

“I’m going back to help Hanna today. I’ll see you later, okay?” She took the container from me as she squeezed my limp hand.

I smiled as she left but as soon as the door closed, I got up and ran to the bathroom. I fell next to the toilet as I purged all of the soup from my system. Heave after heave I felt dizzier and dizzier as sweat built above my brow. When I was done, I flushed the evidence and rinsed my mouth out.

I made my way back to my bed. I felt immaculate and small. A cold sweat rushed over me as the room continued the shift in front of me. I rested my head on my pillow, closing my eyes tightly. I prayed for sleep, a restful sleep. And as I drifted off, I heard the familiar screams that exhausted my memory to nothing.