Wanderlust

Millie had been sitting anxiously by the vehicle compound since the crack of dawn. At first light, I heard her leave and now as the sun was setting lower under the horizon, she hadn’t moved from her spot. Mila and I offered to sit in her place, to come and get her when any sign of their return was known but she didn’t want to miss it.

“They’ll be here.” She repeated for the millionth time, the optimistic tone was fading ever so noticeably.

“I know they will,” Mila forced a smile, sitting down next to her. “Maybe they had to take a different route back.”

“Probably, the changing conditions is could throw them for a loop.” Millie brought her legs up to her chest, resting her chin of her knees.

“Millie do you want to go get something to eat? You haven’t eaten all day.” I knew she would say no.

“I’m not hungry, too nervous.” Her smile was tired, like she knew that the chances of them returning today were growing slimmer and slimmer.

“Okay,” I answered quietly, taking a seat next to Mila.

“What do you think it’ll be like?” Millie started off in wonder, “do you think they’ll be the same?”

“No,” Mila sighed, looking afraid. “They’ll be different. We can only hope that we’ll still see them and not empty bodies and minds. It was something that’d you see back in the territory. Kruger would send his soldiers out and when they would return, they didn’t have that determined glint in their eyes anymore. They turned violent, unpredictable and just different. We’d get a lot of them in the streets—I was called a distraction more than by my actual name.”

It wasn’t often if ever that Mila talked about her past and I squeezed her hand in appreciation. “I’m sure they won’t be like them, Mila. Kruger wasn’t controlling them.”

Her laugh almost came out like a scoff, “But isn’t he? Isn’t controlling all of this? He’s control everything, his hands have stretched beyond our shores and have bled into Europe little by little. Planting his secret followers and men all over until they populated the area enough to stir an uprising and blindside the society. He’s controlling everything, Dahlia. Try and remember that.”

I knew she didn’t mean offense. We were all stressed and tense. I was tired but I wasn’t going to leave them. We all had to support each other right now and that’s what I would do. But when more time passed and the hallways and grounds grew thinner with people, I was drained. Millie still sat up straight, ready for anything to come through those large metal doors. Mila was drifting, growing quiet and drowsy. They weren’t coming today and tomorrow when Millie would wait, they wouldn’t come then either.



“Millie, you’re going a little hard on my hair.” I grimaced as she chopping my growing hair.

“Sorry,” she muttered, loosening her grip on my hair.

She continued to cut my hair in silence. It wasn’t a relaxed silence either. She had been on edge more everyday but never going over it. She was teetering. Sure, she had her meltdown in the middle of the second month and after that she shut it off. She hadn’t accepted that they weren’t returning for what looked like never but she still had a small slither of hope that kept her going.

Mila was no better. I had thought she would be tougher like she usually was but as the days and weeks pasted she sunk into a guilt ridden slump. She’s beating herself down. Going off on tangents about how she should of treated Jay better, how she should of shown him how much he meant to her more often. She’ll shut herself away sometimes and I know she cries over it, the longing to have that closure if she would ever need it. She would never reveal these things to us though, but it wasn’t hard to figure out.

Me on the other hand, I was still having my bad days. I still couldn’t sleep right and I couldn’t stop having hallucinations every so often. They weren’t as violent and vivid and I was grateful for it. I tried not to depend on Mila and Millie to much though, it was obvious they had their own problems. Instead, I went and saw Rosa more often, talking to her and trying to be more open. I learned that working hard in the field during the day helped, pulling all of that energy and anxiousness out of me. It allowed me to think and concentrate, my mind wouldn’t wander. I was worried though, I started thinking about everyone. They had become a bigger part of my life than I could have ever imagined and to lose what seemed like my family for a second time in my life will certainly sink in sooner than later.

“All done.” Millie rubbed my hair, getting the loose hairs out.

It was short as it should be and just as uneven and choppy. Millie wore her smile snugly, almost like it had placed itself on her face permanently out of her attempt to convince everyone that she was alright.

“I’m going to go visit, Rosa.” I stood, looking at her closely as she started to clean up.

“I’ll see you later then.” Her face was tight and I didn’t take the chance to try and cheer her up.

I walked out towards the infirmary, feeling the air getting warmer. I didn’t have to wear a hat anymore but still had to bundle up in the early mornings and late evenings. The temperatures were wildly different from morning to midday and night.

“Knock, knock.” I greeted, stepping up behind Rosa.

“Hello, Dahlia. How are you feeling today?” She led me over to the spot where we always sat, briefly going back to bring the notepad she always scribbled stuff down in to make sure she was always up to date with what was happening with me.
“I’m pretty well.” I was being honest, despite the circumstances.

“I’m glad to hear that,” she smiled, writing something down. “No hallucinations or lucid nightmares?”

“Not many.” I chewed on the inside of my cheek. “They’re varying, I’m not having the same one anymore.”

“Good and bad, I can take that.” Her smile was light as she settled in to the mood of the session. “Still having that involuntary self-harming?”

“Don’t I always?” I joked but my smile faded as she waited for a serious answer. “Scratching and skin picking have been a problem for the last few weeks. The picking though is new, I’m trying to deal with it.”

She wrote her note thoroughly, reading through previous notes as she was about to ask a question. But with an urgent call for her name, Rosa quickly got up and left me by myself. After waiting for a several minutes, I started to feel uneasy. I could hear several different sources of commotion and the fact that Rosa hadn’t come back to say anything or letting me know that we would have to continue later told me it was serious. With my gut telling me to get up and check in, I made my way up front, moving the curtain divider.

My eyes widened as I walked into the thick of things. Injured men left and right, people clinging to them tightly and all I could was stare. I looked at their faces, wondering where they could have—oh no. I pushed past people, running to find Millie and Mila. The crowd was think with people that I’ve never seen before and I was careful to try and weave around the injured.
I didn’t bother to go to our quarters but straight for the vehicle compound and skidded to a spot when I saw the frenzy that was going on. I couldn’t keep track with all the rapid unloading and movements. I would never find them in this crowd. I decided quickly, going back to the infirmary to see if I could find anyone there, hoping that I wouldn’t.

When I got back, all the beds were taken and people were being moved and told to lay on the blankets on the floor. Everything was obviously shorthanded, there weren’t many medical personnel here to begin with. The floor was no longer clean and was splatter with dirt and blood. I didn’t see anyone that I knew and I was lost as to where to go. I turned, running into an influx of people.

“We need help!” The shout beside me made me snap back, looking carefully at someone that resembled Marcus.

“Marcus?” I stepped in front of him and for a second his eyes lit up but then they flattened out when the person he was supporting grunted loudly, his breath wheezy and shallow.

“Marcus, who—,” I stopped only seeing the top of the slumped injured man’s head, but I knew exactly who it was. “What happened to him?”

Marcus didn’t answer but continued to probe his eyes over the full room for someone to help him. “Hang on, Jaden.”

I looked down, seeing the blood leaking down his face, soaking his shirt and seemingly every other inch of his body. I swooped down, taking his face in my hands expecting to see that face that I’m remembering so clear now. But instead, I saw a man on the brink of death.
His face had multiple cuts and bruises. His lip was split and his mouth was slacked as spit and blood hung loosely. I looked down, not being able to see what was wrong with him. But before I could look any closer, Marcus started moving forward as he was led to the back of the room. They cleared a table off quickly, laying Jaden down.

He suddenly yelled in pain, writhing violently as Marcus tried to hold him down. “Dahlia, get out of here.”

“Wha—Marcus, let me help!” I moved forward but was cut off by a worker.

“Cut his shirt off,” he ordered quickly, striping the shirt off him.

It wasn’t until then that I fully understood the pain he was in, the danger. My hand muffled my gasp of horror and disgust. Jaden’s entire right abdomen was charred. It was blistered, oozing clear and yellow liquid. It shined with the fire of a lively burn. He had a smaller one that was up by his left shoulder, one that wasn’t nearly as bad as the one that demanded to be attended too.

“How was he burned?” The question brought me back to light, looking to Marcus.

“Chemical grenade. He jumped in front of it as we were clearing out a house. He didn’t have any idea what it was or he wouldn’t have done it. It was two days ago but he’s only gotten worse and worse. We tried to keep it clean but we were out of supplies by then.”

“Do you know the chemical that was used?” Marcus shrugged helplessly and the worker looked more stressed. “I don’t want to put anything on it that would react with the chemical that could still be burned into his tissue or really what’s left of his tissue. We’ll have to try though, his pulse is slow.”

The worker left, as a few others worked to clean up the cuts on his face. I quietly stepped forward and I could focus in on him and I felt it, the fierce belief that I would be able to talk to him again. I grabbed his hand lightly, feeling no response back.

“Dahlia, you should leave. If he doesn’t make it you should—,” Marcus started but I stared at him sharply.

“Absolutely not,” my voice shook. “Where is Millie?”

“She saw him and ran. It’s better that she doesn’t see him like this.” He leaned against the wall.

It was the first time that I could fully look at him. He was in better shape but not by far. He had dried blood all over him. I could only see mostly cuts and scrapes on him. He looked pale and thin. He didn’t look well but I knew that was the last thing that was on his mind at the moment.

“How are you?” I wondered aloud, my hand not leaving Jaden’s.

“How do you think?” He asked me rhetorically. “I’m not good, Dahlia. None of us are.”