Wanderlust

It was nearing sunset, we were all sitting around a fire, eating our dinner quietly. Mila and I had prepared it, I showed her how to skin an animal properly or at least the only way I knew how too. It took forever to get the meat to brown but once it was done, it was rewarding and I was proud of myself for taking charge in something, that is, until Jaden put a damper on my mood.

“What the hell is this?” Jaden scowled, looking down at his plate. Everyone paused their eating and looked over to him. I coiled into myself uncomfortably, no one was speaking up yet and I knew that if someone did, it would have to be me.

“It's squirrel,” my small voice answered, swallowing the rest of the food in my mouth..

“Tastes like shit,” he bluntly admitted, my feelings automatically going shot. He poked at the meat as I didn't dare reply.

Millie shot him a glare, “I think it's some of the best meat we've had in awhile. It's nice having someone who actually knows how to hunt, right, Jaden?” Millie looked at Jaden as if she was poking some sort of jab at him, he gave her a stony look.

“Shut it, Millie,” he grumbled and tossed his plate down, standing up and walking away from the group. Millie sighed and tossed me an apologetic look, I returned it with a tight lipped smile, not hiding that I was a little hurt by his gruff reaction.

“I'm sorry, I know it isn't the best meal,” I apologized to everyone, they all shared a look of pity. That just made me feel worse.

“It's fine, Dahlia. I mean, we don't get good meat most times or really a good kill like you did today. We appreciate it,” Jay thanked me. I sighed and smiled a little, still feeling like I needed Jaden's approval because he was in charge. I looked down to my plate and shoved in another mouth full. Maybe my standards of food were substantially lower than everyone else because I once ate bark on a rare occasion when I lived in the forest.

I finished off my plate and set it down, excusing myself. I hadn't watched the sunset in awhile and I missed it. I wanted some part of my old life back, something that was mine. I walked over by the cave and tip toed across the slim margin of rock, across to the almost plateau like area. It over looked a skyline of the forest and the land beyond it. I could see the building I had been housed in for a week when they brought me here, it was a small abandoned building they used for emergencies. I was told this was our main ground since we could be on the look out in all directions. It made sense, besides, I liked the fresh air.

I slid down and leaned against a boulder, pulling my legs up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. I rested my chin on my knees and stared at the setting sun. It looked like it was storming in the distance but it never reached here, it wouldn't make it past the mountains that were miles away. I heard someone approaching and I internally sighed, knowing that if it was Jaden, I would have to leave. Thankfully, it wasn't.

“Oh, hey,” Jay greeted, “you found the spot.”

I peeked up at him, “I can leave if this is your spot or something.”

He smirked, “No, you found the prime spot. Everyone shares it.”

“It is a prime spot,” I agreed.

“What are you doing back here?” He asked curiously, taking a seat next to me.

“Watching the sunset. It's something I would do every night when I lived in the forest,” I spoke quietly, staring straight ahead at the sinking sun.

“A ritual of sorts?” He questioned.

I shrugged, “I don't know, I feel like in my former life, my former self would have done something like this.”

“So you really don't remember anything about your life?” Jay asked, and I felt my cheat tightened at the personal questioned.

“No.” I answered short, but I could almost feel his curiosity radiating off of him. “I don't remember anything.”

“How do you handle it? I mean, this isn't the best time to wake up alone in the middle of a hostile nation and all,” he quipped and I could only shrug again.

“I couldn't at first and almost just let myself wither away but I couldn't, I felt like it would be shame. So I barely made it by, everyday was a battle.” I thought back to the days I would go without food and the nights that I would feel alone and scared.

“I can see why everyone admires you so much,” Jay said suddenly, perking my interest.

“What?” I thought that I would be the last thought on everyone's minds.

“Dahlia, you taught yourself have to survive in the forest and on top of that did it without self-identity, it's something to be proud of.” I felt an odd feeling swell in my chest, confidence planted itself in me once again but only a little.

“It comes with its costs,” I muttered, not letting the confidence peak to much.

I could feel Jay move beside me, getting in a more comfortable position. “You know when I was alone, before Mila found me, I was alone and secluded. When she found me, it was like I forgot how to talk to people and I would have nightmares of my family being executed by the regime,” he looked down at his hands, “it took me a long time to get over it, to move on and rejoin socially. I get the costs, almost all of us do.”

Even though he made a valid point and I appreciated him trying to relate, it was different for me and I had to almost disagree with him. “It's different though for me. The thing is that you had nightmares,” I started, feeling the familiar anxiety creep up on me but I continued anyways, “I would kill for that. For a moment of recognition, something to have a nightmare about, something to miss and be afraid for. I don't and my costs are different. My costs are looking at everyone here and seeing them represent themselves the way they have their whole life, when I'm over here, trying to figure out how to get myself individually.”

“We can help you. Talk to us, we aren't so bad, are we?” Jay asked, trying to be light.

“No, you guys are great. I wouldn't have taken me in but I don't want to talk to you guys. I barely carry out a conversation for long, I'm surprised I've made it this far.” I confessed, watching as a slither of the sun glowed behind the horizon.

“That means you're getting better already,” Jay told me optimistically.

“Maybe,” I said quietly.

“You know, I don't get why Jaden has this prejudice against you. You're harmless, no offense,” he added quickly.

“None taken,” I waved off and lifted my head from my knee and rested it against the boulder. I watched the sun sink behind the surface and I pursed my lips. This is usually when I went to sleep, this was the signal to the end of another day of surviving. I didn't have to do that anymore.

“Well, I'm going to go find, Jaden. This time of night is when he usually has some crazy plans he wants to discuss,” Jay stood up, dusting himself off.

I gave a small smile as he walked away, leaving me alone once again. The sky was almost completely dark, and I stared at the stars. They were overwhelming in numbers and in brightness. It made me feel smaller than I already was, the cosmos swirled and it hypnotized me more than the sunset. The breeze picked up and I shivered, embracing myself. I got up and winced as my side protested. After a physically demanding day like this, I had forgotten how sore and irritated my wound would be.

I walked back to the cave carefully, it was darker than the bottom of an abyss out here. The moon provided some light and I walked into the cave, seeing everyone but Jay and Jaden as expected. I walked to my bed space and sat down, kicking my boots off. I stretched my feet, feeling them crack in relief. I lifted my shirt and stared at my healing wound.

It was bruised and red, the stitches slicked in a clear liquid that I could only assume was puss. I lightly pressed a finger against it but retracted it immediately as the wound lashed out.

“Dahlia!” I heard being called and it took me a minute to realize it was my name. I looked up and saw Constantine toss a bottle of pills at me. It landed at my feet and I picked it up, thankful.

“Thank you,” I called back quietly. I shook out two pills and snatched my canteen from the side of my bed and swallowed them down. I tossed the pills back to Constantine and laid down, tucking the pillow under my head more comfortably.

I looked around at everyone. Constantine was reading a book, Millie was weaving something complicated looking, and Mila was folding her cloths. As my eyes passed her, Jay walked in, slapping her butt.

She jumped and shrieked, “Jason!” He laughed a little and she held a sneer on her face as she rubbed her butt. Jason, that made sense. Jay collapsed on his bed and smiled at me. I smiled back but averted my eyes just as Jaden strolled in and went over to talk to Millie, who looked unhappy with what ever he was saying to her.

I wondered about them sometimes. Jaden always talked to her before he talked to anyone else, I wondered why that was. They didn't seem like they were together, in fact, it would be weird if they were together. I got the feeling that they were friends only, but why were they so close?

“Everybody,” Jaden announced, catching everyone's attention, “we're heading out tomorrow.” I sat up slowly in my bed, interested.

“Where to this time, Jaden?” Mila asked, a spiteful twang to her voice.

Jaden ignored her tone and kept talking, “We're heading north, closer to the border.”

“Are you sure that's a good idea?” Constantine asked, closing his book.

“We're going to have to sometime if we plan on infiltrating the territory,” Jaden replied and I creased my eyebrows in thought. A weird thought ran through my mind, much like unknown information. For some reason, I felt like I didn't need to question it, it was like I already knew it without actually knowing it.

“Wouldn't you want to go in from the west were there's less of the regime and border watch? The north is where the main gates are, right?” I asked, and gasped lightly, covering my mouth. Everyone looked at me with stunned expressions, Jaden was the only one who held a semi- neutral look.

“How—what,” Jaden cleared his throat, “how do you know that?”

“I—I don't know,” I breathed, feeling oddly afraid of my own thoughts.

“Do you know anything else?” Millie asked quickly, looking hopeful.

I slowly shook my head and looked towards the ground, utterly confused. It was so random and why was that information coming to surface only now? I've been talked to about that territory before, why didn't I remember anything then? I had zoned out into my own thoughts, not listening to Jaden further explain his plans. I tucked myself into the blankets and burrowed my head into the pillow.

“We head out first thing in the morning.” I caught the end of Jaden spiel, but I could feel everyone's eyes on me as I prayed for sleep.