God, I'm Sick of Sleeping Alone

I don't really know what to say to make myself feel better because is there really a way to get over this? You dedicate your every waking moment to one person and falsely assume they'll be there the whole time to reciprocate. But what about after? What about now?
Jack shoved his pillow against the side of Alex's face.
"I hate this game!" Alex cackled, trying to catch his breath as he grabbed the pillow and ran down the hall.
"Loser!"
Jack groaned, kicking the now deserted game controllers out of the way and sprinting after the brunette boy.
"You said you'd let me win!"
Alex ran around the perimeter of the living room, crouching behind the back of the couch.
"I'm sorry, Jack, will you ever forgive me?"
Jack swung his own pillow back and launched it forward, hitting Alex square in the face.
"No!" His lungs were beginning to tighten and he knew he should stop but he grabbed the pillow and hit his best friend a few more times. Alex was grinning and he yanked the pillow out of Jack's hand.
"Fine. I'll let you win this time, okay?"
Jack grins leaning forward, hands pressed against the back of the couch and they're noses are touching and Alex has never been this close to him before.
"Okay." His pillow flopped on top of Alex's head as he threw it up and ran back to the bedroom.
"Last one there is a rotten egg!"

You're so dumb and immature and lame and you eat entire pizzas and want to play video games all day, but I love you for it. I remember you were so shy around me at first. Even after years of us being together you always blushed when I said 'I love you' and I thought it was so cute that you had to be reassured all the time like that. After what I did to you I don't blame you for never trusting me again but I would give anything to tell you one more time. I love you more than I ever loved anyone else.

"So hey, Jack?" They were sitting on the roof of Alex's house, legs dangling off the back edge, the glow of the moon the only thing to light their faces.
"Yeah?"
Alex had been thinking about how to tell him for ages. For months and months he'd been sitting around his bedroom thinking through scenario after scenario and scratching them all out with sharp thoughts of "What if he hates me?". And finally, he just decided to do it. To say it as bluntly as they've said and done everything else. They had wanted to kiss in Jack's bedroom that one night five years ago so they did and that's how things started and that's how things should end - right? So he drew in a thick breath and gripped the edge of the roof and he looked over at his best friend who was looking at him right back.
"I like someone else."
And he hadn't ever looked as hurt as he did staring at Alex on the roof at two in the morning.

I remember the first time I talked to you and wanting to be friends immediately. I said Hi and you called be a douche bag and spat in my face and after knowing you for years afterwards that seems so out of character. I wish you hadn't changed your mind. I wish life gave you the chance that you gave me because you deserved it so much more than I did and I am so sorry, Jack. I'm so fucking sorry.
I also remember the first time I went to your house and that god damn Aqua CD was in and you seemed so lame and if it weren't for your mom having snacks I wouldn't have stayed. And I keep thinking, like, what if I hadn't stayed? What if I had left and none of this would have happened and I wouldn't have kissed you or dated you for years or broken your heart or caused all of this bullshit. Sometimes I think it would've been better that way because at least I wouldn't feel this sour guilt pressing on my chest every morning, but something is better than nothing, right? Right. I'm just glad you existed and I'm glad that you loved me as much as I love you for at least part of that.

Jack didn't give Alex a second glance. After dating for so long you aren't supposed to do that. You aren't supposed to just "like someone else" and that be the end of it. Not being in school anymore made it easier for him to avoid the other and he was grateful for that. He didn't trust himself to stay away if he saw him again--and luckily for him, he didn't. On July 30th, 2013 he mixed a few drinks and took a few pills and--slightly less luckily for him, he didn't see anyone again. After five years of I love you's and false security, Jack just wanted to feel okay for awhile.

I had so many dreams of us, and I know I don't have the right to. I know you wouldn't want anything to do with me in real life or on any other plane. But we're sitting on our porch and there's two cups of too-sweet iced tea on the table in between us and we're yelling at the teenagers scuffing up our lawn.Our hair is gray and our butt's are saggy and maybe it's better that you're gone now though, when you're still young, because adult diapers sound really shitty.

Alex laughs, rubbing at his puffy eyes and adjusting the red hoodie gripping his frame.

Wow, this is hard. This is really fucking hard because I told you that I liked someone else because I was too nervous to say I love you even though I had said it so many other times that one was different because I felt different. I felt like I wanted to marry you and live with you forever and grow old with you and I am so fucking stupid. I'm so so so so stupid and I'm sorry and I love you and I wanted us to do so many things and live our dreams together and why did you have to go and do that? Why did you have to take so many pills? Why didn't you just come and knock on my window and punch me and yell at me and get mad? You took it out on yourself and you didn't deserve it and you don't deserve to be in that casket right now because there's a church full of people in here right now that love you. I love you and I know you knew that, despite how often you asked me.

Alex is gripping the podium and this is too hard and he's staring at the ground and he doesn't trust himself to talk anymore for the fear of throwing up. His legs are jelly, body leaning against the wooden stand in front of him, thoughts going this way and that and he had just meant to say how much he loves him and sit down. He didn't mean for this to happen. He didn't mean for Jack to die. So he gathers himself and he steps off the raised floor, walks straight down the aisle, and out the big wooden double doors. He's done trying to get over this because there's nothing he can do and there's nothing left for him to possibly say.

You're causing me a world of pain--and I deserve it.