We Are the Lovers, We Are the Last of Our Kind

Kellins room was right across from me and Jaime’s room. I know this sounded weird, but I had been watching him get settled for about 15 minutes. And with every minute that passed he got more and more adorable. He had cute little habits such as constantly walking on his tippy toes, rapidly blinking his eyes every once in awhile and playing with the sleeves of his shirt. I could tell he was in here for extreme anxiety but I didn’t know what else. He was rooming with Tony, one of the toughest guys in the asylum, so I was kind of scared for him.

I sat against the wall by the door of my room that greatly resembled a prison cell, except everything was white. I watched him carefully, trying not to be noticed. As he was trying to put the white sheets on his bed, you’d think that they would make our beds for us, but no we have to do it ourselves. He was struggling to say the least, it was extremely adorable. I wanted to help him but I didn’t know how to either. I squeezed my knees tighter to my chest making my shoes squeak against the floor. With that Kellin quickly looked over and I sat there paralyzed and shocked that I had just been caught checking him out. His cheeks turned a deep shade of red and he bit his lip. Oh God, he’s so perfect. He smiled a little and waved his hand a little, putting it down because it was trembling uncontrollably. I waved my hand as well but did not smile. Showing no emotion meant not getting hurt. I quickly held up my finger signaling for him to wait. I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen from the desk Jaime and i had in the corner of our room. I quickly scribbled down something on a piece of paper.

‘Do you need help with that?’

I held the paper up so he could see.

“Y-Yes please,” he said so softly that I would have missed it if I wasn’t paying attention.

I pressed the button to open my door and walked to his door. He didn’t seem to know that there was a button to open the door so I had to reach through the metal bars to press his button for him. Without saying anything we started to work on making the bed.

“Thank you f-for this, I-I’m kinda new here.”

I just nodded, not looking up, afraid to get lost in his eyes.

“Do you not like m-me?” He said barely looking at me, his eyes watering a bit.

I shook my head quickly to let him know that wasn’t the case at all.

“Do you just not talk?”

He asked leaning closer to me to see if i would respond.

He smelled like vanilla. He was really skinny, tiny and cute. He was just all around beautiful. I just kind of stared at him for what seemed like a full minute.

“Is there something on my face?” He said self consciously, wiping at nothing.

I shook my head vigorously letting him know that there was nothing there. With that we continued to make the bed. It took us awhile because it was clear that neither of us knew what we were doing. But after we were done we sat on it. I was looking at him and he was looking down.

“U-Um thank you” He said quietly.

nodded my head in response. The bell sounded for lunch. Kellin was startled by the sudden loud noise and jumped, clinging on to me, I automatically put my arm around him protectively by instinct. Once we realized it was nothing we jumped away from each other. I hadn't been in such close contact with anyone for almost a year. Since my last boyfriend, Dylan. He made my life a living hell. He even contributed to some of the scars on my body, he beat me every day for 2 years.

“A-Are you ok?” Kellin asked looking concerned.

I nodded slowly.

“Why don’t you t-talk?”

I shrugged. And with that I stood up, Kellin stood up as well, I guess he's going with me. As we walked to the lunchroom he was walking beside me quickly, chewing his lip and messing with his sleeves the whole way there. It was as if he was nervous about something. Jaime caught up to us on our way to the dining area.

“Where have you been? I've been looking all over for you Vic.” he said jumbling his words together.

He immediately linked his arm on to mine. I patted his hand with my free arm to reassure him that I was here and I was ok. Kellin looked over at our attached arms with a curious look . once he saw me looking at him he turned back and face forward without a word. It was usually just me and Jaime at lunch in our little corner where we’d have a conversation by passing notes to each other. But this time Kellin was there so Jaime spent the whole time asking him questions while he replied timidly. I liked Kellin a lot. It scared me because I hadn’t felt this kind of emotion in almost a year. What if he hurts me too?

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After therapy around 2pm that day Jaime and I were listening to music on my ipod while he chatted away.
“You know, we could start a band if we wanted to. I think it would be really awesome.”

I nodded and it was quiet for a moment. This was usually what happened before he had one of his episodes, i was used to them so they were no big deal, but it was still a little creepy at times. I looked over to him expecting him to say something.

“I’m going to kill you in your sleep.” He whispered.

Well there it goes. I scooted away from him in case he tried to scratch me or something. Just as I was scooting away he lunged at me trying to put his hands around my neck. I jumped up from the bed immediately and tried to calm him down. They give us meds for things like this, he must have skipped it or thrown it away when the nurse wasn’t looking. He kept coming at me while I had to grab his hands. Kellin had seen what was happening from across the hall.

“O-Oh my Gosh.” He said loudly, that’s the loudest I’ve heard him talk, “Someone help him get out of there,” He gasped, “He’s going to kill him!”

With that all of the guards were in our room and taking Jaime away. One of the huge guys threw Jaime over his shoulder and carried him over to the isolation room. I hated that place, there was nothing to hurt yourself with, everything was cushioned and white.

Kellin looked over at me after Jaime was gone and everyone that was watching went back to their room or the main room.

“Does that happen a lot?” he said walking over to me.

I nodded, looking down.

“D-Do you want to be alone right now?”

Honestly, I didn’t, I wanted Kellin in there with me. I wanted to hug and cuddle him but I couldn't show emotion. I didn’t know how I was going to come to terms that I had feelings for him. I couldn’t deny them, I had to hide them.

I shook my head. And with that he sat beside me on my bed grabbing an earphone. I noticed when he picked it up he was trembling. He always trembles around me. Without thinking I took his hand in my hand to let him know he was safe. Taken back by the random act of affection he looked at me, his mouth slightly open, and laced his fingers with mine.

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It’s been a week since Kellin first came. We have gotten really close, not as close as I wanted us to be, but we were getting there. I was sitting in his room on his bed and we were facing each other, having a conversation by writing back and forth. I had made up in my mind that I was going to talk to Kellin today, I was going to actually use my voice and learn more about him. I may even hint that I like him. I had no idea what my plan was after that because I couldn’t show emotion. We were playing the question game. Which was just us writing questions to each other. I had learned that we both had the same taste in music, we liked hardcore, post-hardcore and pop punk. Hearing about his music taste just made my crush on him grow by 1000%.

Kellin: Why are you in here?

Me: Self harm, depression, anxiety and insomnia.

Kellin: How did it start? Sorry if I’m asking too much, I’m curious.

Me: It’s ok, I feel comfortable around you I guess. I was in an abusive relationship with a guy named Dylan for 2 years. He destroyed me, took everything and left.

Kellin: I didn’t know you were gay, are you with that guy Jaime?

Oh shit. I was taken back by his bluntness, I didn’t know what to say, what if he hated gays. What if he knew I had a crush on him and never contacted me again?

“Yea, I am gay and no I’m not with him.” I said in a whisper, my voice was scratchy from not using it for almost 4 months but it was still there.

“Vic you talked” Kellin said, his perfect little pink lips making an O.

“Yea, please don’t make a big deal about it. I’m only going to talk to you ok?” I whispered.

“Ok” He said smiling.

“You’re talking without stuttering” I commented.

“Yea, I only stutter when I’m nervous, which is 90% of the time”

“Oh” I said quietly.

After a few seconds of silence he said, “Lets finish the question game. Your turn.”

“What’s the first thing you thought about me?” I whispered to make sure no one could hear me but Kellin. He’s the only one I wanted to hear my voice.

“Honestly, I t-thought you were really c-cute.” He giggled while blushing lightly.

Wait what? He thought I was cute? Does this mean he’s gay too? Do I even have a chance with him? My mind was racing. He wouldn't like me anyways, I was a fucked up kid that wasn’t capable of love.