Sanctuary

"So I'll pick you up after classes next Friday?"

"Mhmm," Taryn said to her brother over the phone. She pulled open the heavy glass door of the Humanities building, on her way to Ethics. She still couldn't believe that Thanksgiving break was two weeks away, nor that she actually had to go home for it.

She contemplated just going home with Hallie, but wasn't exactly sure how to approach it. She didn't feel quite comfortable just inviting herself to her roommate's house, and she didn't want to impose after things had been going so well lately. She knew Hallie was sensitive to Taryn's...awkward...home situation, but if she were being completely honest, Hallie didn't even know the complete truth. And that was also something she didn't quite want to get into at this point.

So she bit her lip, arranging plans with her brother for the drive home. At least it was only for five days. And she didn't necessarily have to spend it in her house the entire time.

She hung up the phone, climbing the familiar stairs in her Ethics lecture hall. She plopped down into her usual seat next to Shane, who greeted her with a small smile and wave. Ah, yes. Yet another issue at hand. She hadn't been able to eat much of anything all day, and seeing Shane only wracked her small frame with more guilt. She knew, deep down, that she didn't owe Shane anything and that he probably didn't care much about what - or who - she did. But that still didn't stop her from feeling like she had somehow betrayed him.

She flashed him a smile, mentally debating whether or not to tell him. She quickly shook the thought away, knowing that he wouldn't care. He would think her silly - pathetic even - if she brought it up.

"Hey, New Girl," he said, nudging her arm. "Haven't seen you all week."

Danielle and Shae looked at her, intrigued. They, too, hadn't seen her since class the week before.

"Yeah, I've just been hanging out with Hallie a lot lately. She's having some guy issues, so I'm trying to be there for her."

"Aw, how sweet," Shane joked, glancing at his vibrating phone. Taryn shot him a look.

"Anyway, we miss you," Danielle said sweetly, flashing her a pretty smile as she played with the edge of her notebook. "You should come to the skate park sometime again."

"Definitely!" Taryn exclaimed, trying to sound enthusiastic. She was suddenly bothered at how much Shane was ignoring her. If anything, she wanted him to be the one saying that he missed her.

She shook her head, flicking her wavy hair back. No. Shane was not hers. She didn't expect his affection, nor did she really want it. If anything, she should have been grateful for how friendly Shae and Danielle were. They were the ones she should have been focusing on.

Shane smirked at something on his phone, his fingers flying across the keypad.

"So I heard she hasn't even started grading those projects yet," Taryn said, turning her attention to Shae and Danielle. They rolled their eyes in mutual annoyance, launching into yet another tirade against their Ethics professor. Eventually Shane joined in again, to Taryn's relief. She hated to think he was getting bored with her. That's what had happened with Ryan. She shuttered at the thought, trying to stop paranoia from creeping in. She hated the idea of second-guessing all of her new relationships simply because of her past. That was the last thing she wanted. Then again, she reminded herself, even worse was her greatest fear of history repeating itself.

***
"11/19/13

I don't remember exactly what happened next. Sometime before...my accident, I deleted all of my social networking accounts. My Facebook account, at last look, had...284 messages, all throwing insults at me. Slut, whore, liar, bitch, skank, pathetic, worthless, useless...I paid little attention to them. I'd heard them all before.

I think the worst part was that I didn't know what I had done to deserve that. It wasn't like I had slept around in high school. Wasn't like I had slept with Dan for revenge on Ryan or something dumb like that. But for all I knew, that's what everyone thought I had done. For some reason, I was now Public Enemy #1."

She clenched her fists, her anger at Kelsey and Ryan now building full-force. Taking a deep breath, she tried to compose herself. At least anger was better than sadness. Anything was better than the sadness.

"By winter break, my life had come down to sleeping all day and spending nights lying awake, watching movies and entertaining myself with mindless websites and stories of other people's lives, simply because they were so different from my own. I didn't want my own.

I think my cell phone was threatened soon after that. My ignorant mother stormed into my room one too many times, warning me of the consequences of texting too much. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I didn't reply to a single one of the hundreds of hate messages I got every day. I ignored them as they filled my inbox, and eventually I turned off the power on my phone. I couldn't bear to look at it anymore.

With each day that passed, it became easier to put the past behind me. Without my phone and social networking, life became pretty simple. I didn't have to face people, and they didn't have to get to me.

It wasn't long before the spring semester approached and I began feeling a bit better. I would be living in a new dorm, with new classes and new people. It was just what I thought I wanted."

She looked down at her chipped fingernail polish, fighting the urge to further damage them. Squeezing her pen, she bit her lip and continued.

"I was wrong. It was not what I wanted. In fact, things had gotten worse. Dan and Ryan had somehow spread more rumors and I was met with hostility straight from the start. I was being told I was worth nothing before I even learned each person's name.

My mother told me that I was overreacting. That I was being too oversensitive and that this happened to everyone at this age. My father, God bless him, asked if I wanted to come home. And although I am admittedly a complete Daddy's Girl, I wanted to prove to him that I was strong enough to stick through it. But inside, I knew I was crumbling.

It's true, you know? That if you hear something enough times, you start to believe it. I began to hate myself. And even when I didn't, I would turn my phone on and look at the hundreds of messages to remind myself how worthless I was. Not only was I a common public enemy, I was now my own enemy, too. I hated myself, they all hated me, and by spring break, I had myself convinced that not one person cared whether I lived or died.

I don't know why Ryan and Dan did what they did, or why my friends all played along, or why everyone else was so eager to believe the lies they spread. But I do believe that every single person I've encountered has been put in my life for a reason.

I have to admit, though, I'm stumped with this one. Why them, and why me? What did I do to deserve that?"

She slowly closed the journal, feeling loads of surprising relief. Tension flowed from her body and she felt a small weight being lifted.

It was getting easier.