She's My Ride Home

“Let your fire burn bright for the world to see…”

I rolled over in bed and found the space next to me cold and vacant; frowning I grabbed a hoodie from the ground and threw it on over my tank top, quickly padding out of the master bedroom and down the stairs. There was a pot of coffee waiting in the kitchen, and all the curtains and blinds downstairs were open. However, it was as silent down here as it was upstairs. I quickly poured myself a large mug of coffee, fixing it properly before moving to the sliding glass doors and stepping out onto the back deck. I walked to the edge and placed my cup down on the stained wood, leaning forward and looking out over the gorgeous view of the beach.

The morning waves were crashing along the shore in a perfect harmony under the direction of Mother Nature, and as the waves washed up along the shore and retreated back into the deep abyss a small barking ball of white fur ran across the sand being chased by its owner.
“Pinkly!”
I looked down towards the man and his dog and smiled; the man no longer an anonymous figure but the missing piece to my puzzle this morning.
Pinkly ran to Brian and jumped excitedly at his bare feet before Brian bent down to pick her up and carry her towards the steps leading up to the back deck. Once he reached the top, he quickly put pinkly down and let her run around the enclosed space before turning to face me.
“Good morning beautiful,” He placed a lazy kiss on my lips and smiled. “Sleep well?”
“Slept great.” I grinned, taking a sip of my coffee before placing it back down and sinking into the rocking chair that looked more like a couch.
Brian immediately sat next to me, propping his feet up on the table as he placed his arm around me, quickly pulling me into his side.
“It’s spectacular out here,” I mused. “You’ve got a hell of a view Bri.”
“Well you know how I feel about the beach.” He chuckled.
“It’s your own personal paradise,” I replied as I thought back to something he had said years ago. “You and all that surfing you did, I’m surprised you didn’t try and go make a career out of it!”
“No way, I love my guitar way more.”
“Just the guitar?” I quizzed.
“Na, there’s this redhead that really takes the cake.” He grinned, kissing my forehead.
We sat like that for some time, watching as the waves crashed against the shoreline and the sun rose higher and higher into the California sky. His fingers were dancing lazily up and down my arm and my head was snuggled into the crook of his neck and shoulder; it was the picture of romantic perfection.
“I love you so much.” He whispered.
“I love you too,” I replied, leaning up to place a kiss to his cheek. “I never really stopped.”
“Good, because neither did I.”

I sat straight up in bed, a cold sweat covering my face and neck as I processed the events that had just occurred in my dream like state. I looked around the room and I was far from a beach side house in California with Brian; in fact I was alone in my king size bed in my dumpster of an apartment, looking for the brown haired man who had the ability to take away any and all sadness and stress that was imposing its way into my life at the moment. I reached for my phone to check the time and the screen on my blackberry was glowing as it read 3:45am.
As I sat in bed thinking about everything that had gone down, my mind became flooded with all the negative thoughts as well. What was I really going to do about work, sure Brian had been there last month as I had my breakdown on his bus, collapsing into his arms and crying my heart out about how bad everything was, and still is, and that I didn’t know what to do to fix any of it. I started panicking as I thought of everything that still needed to be done; how I still didn’t have a new place to live, my store was still coming apart at the seams and the internal goings on of my company were so fucking twisted that anyone would think I was out of my mind. It was at 4:00 that my tears came pouring down my face, and as I scrolled though my contacts, I didn’t hesitate to press the call button when Brian’s name was highlighted. I knew he was still here, he had been in New York since the moment his last tour was over, and continually told me how he wasn’t leaving until the last possible minute. He also preferred staying in a hotel, explaining to me that he didn’t want to invade my space, or what little I had in this place, and in due time we’d work it all out. He also offered to get me a room at the hotel with him, to which I had declined at the moment but was starting to regret.
It was on the fourth ring that he answered, and I didn’t even have to wait to hear him speak, I knew I had woken him up.
“What’s wrong?” He asked, a panicked state taking over his voice.
“Can you come over?” I cried into the receiver, unable to try and pretend that I was okay.
“I’m leaving now,” He said, as I heard him rustling around and then a door slam. “Are you okay?”
“Physically yes, I’m fine.” I said, hearing him breathe a sigh of relief.
“What happened?”
“I fucking freaked myself out.” I said, sniffling as I tried to wipe the tears away.
“I’m getting in a cab, I’ll be there in ten minutes.”
“Okay.”

Like clockwork, ten minutes later I heard the key turn in the door and Brian enter the apartment. After I heard him lock the door I heard him throw his jacket down on the couch and the sound of his sneakers moving towards my bedroom. Before I had a chance to look up and meet his gaze I felt the weight of him sink into the mattress next to me, and heard his sneakers hit the floor as he kicked them off and then curled up next to me. His arms closed around me and he pulled me into his chest in one fluid motion; he didn’t say a word, just held me there and rubbed small circles on my back as I gripped his t-shirt for dear life.
“What’s wrong baby?” He whispered, lifting my chin with his index finger and thumb and bringing my gaze towards him.
“It’s so stupid,” I sniffed. “I feel so vulnerable because of all this shit. It breaks me down so easily.”
“It’s not stupid,” He said. “Not if it made you this upset.”
I sighed and realized he was right, and knew I had to tell him. After all, he was involved now, and if I left him in the dark lord only knows we would end up right back where we started when I left California.
“I had this dream, you and I back in California; we were just so happy,” I said, smiling lightly as I saw his smile widen. “And when I woke up I was so scared, because I was here, in this dump, and my life wasn’t as perfect as I dreamt it and you weren’t here. Everything’s in shambles and for the first time in my life I don’t know how to fix it.”
“Jackie, baby you don’t have to have all of the answers right now,” He stressed, laying back on the bed as I snuggled into his chest. “But you need to stop worrying about it so much because everything will work out when it’s supposed to.”
“I worked too hard to get where I am Brian,” I sighed. “I didn’t bust my ass in school, and in the business world so that everything could fall apart and I could leave it in fates hands!”
“So what do you want to do?”
“I want to get out of here.” I stated simply.
“Jackie it’s almost five o’clock in the morning…” He trailed off, looking at me funny.
“No, not right now you dope,” I laughed, slapping his chest lightly. “I want to get out of New York; I want to go home.”
“Let me make sure I follow,” He said, smiling as he ran a hand through my hair. “You want to leave New York and go back to California?”
“Yes.”
“What about the store…” He raised an eyebrow at me.
“I’ll figure it out,” I smiled. “But I want to go home. I want to shop out a retail space in Huntington and I want to open a branch of my company on the west coast. I also want to sell this dump and get a place out there.”
“And you’re one hundred percent sure this is what you want to do?”
“Yes, I’ve never been more sure of anything before.” I replied, nodding my head for extra effort.
Brian didn’t respond, he didn’t say a word, but he did crash his lips down on mine and hold me against him as if he would die had I not been in his arms at that moment. Aside from the small kiss in the movie theater the month prior, we hadn’t kissed, at least not like this, since we were teenagers. It was reassuring to know that even in my messed up state he still wanted to kiss me this way.
We stayed like that, exploring each other’s mouths for the first time in years, until the need for air caused us to pull apart. With each heavy rise and fall of my chest I could feel a part of the life I had created in New York pull away and evaporate into the air surrounding me. It was as if there really was nothing left for me here; the man I wanted was lying next to me in bed, and the friends and family that I loved were waiting for both of us on the other side of the country. New York wasn’t my home anymore, it was just a temporary resting place while I created the dreams I would then bring back home with me.
“Can you do something for me?” Brian asked suddenly, breaking the peaceful silence between us.
“Anything,” I smiled. “I can do anything for you.”
“Don’t buy a new place when you get back to Huntington.” He said simply.
“And where am I supposed to go?” I questioned. “I have too much stuff to move back in with my parents Bri.”
“Yes, I know that; but you don’t have too much stuff to move in with me.”
“What?” I whispered, barely able to register what he had just said.
“I’m asking you to move in with me Jackie.”
“I know you are,” I responded. “I’m just processing it is all.”
“Do you not want to?”
“No,” I sighed. “No, I mean…fuck, yes! Yes I want to move in with you!”
Brian let out the largest sigh of relief I had ever heard in my life and I couldn’t help but laugh at how adorable it made him look.
“Come here.” I giggled, grabbing his shirt collar and pulling him towards me.
He chuckled and allowed me to pull him closer before his hands came to rest on my hips and our lips were mere millimeters apart.
“You realize you’re torturing me with how close you are right now, right?” He asked.
“I know,” I stated matter of factly. “I just want to make sure I have your undivided attention.”
“Well you certainly do.”
“Good,” I smiled. “Because I want you to know something.”
“Jackie…”
“Shhh,” I giggled, placing my finger over his lips. “Don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to tell you that I love you, Brian.”
He smiled and could have lit up the coastline, and I knew that I hadn’t made any sort of mistake in telling him how much I absolutely loved him.
“Well in that case, you should probably know that I love you too.”
I closed the gap between our lips, and somehow knew that everything would be okay. And as I thought that everything would be okay, I reminded myself of something I had thought that day in the Starbucks; that if I wasn’t careful I would end up on a plane back to Huntington with Brian. I guess my more reckless side decided that it was for the better to be carefree and get on that plane, because that was my plan and I was sticking to it.