You're Only Human

I knew damn well that he was coming for me; you just simply can’t keep secrets from him. He’s gonna find out one way or another, so it’s best not to even try to hide it at all. Moreover, Jimmy is about as unpredictable as it gets. You never know what he’s gonna do to you when he finds out something he doesn’t like, but I can guarantee you it’s going to be something pretty damn awful. After all, Jimmy’s got a reputation to keep; he’s got a name to live up to.

The sky was overcast the day I decided to face the music. I’m not really sure why that particular detail stuck out to me as that’s how the weather is every other day. Nonetheless, the sky matched my mood perfectly.

I could hear that goddamn chain he kept attached to the belt loops of those black skinny jeans he seemed to wear everyday clinking against itself with each step he took closer to me. Shivering a little though the day was warm, I tightened my grip on the ugly orange armchair I sat on; his orange armchair. I knew I was asking for it by doing just that, but I remained where I was. When it came down to it, that was probably the least of his concerns.

As he rounded the concrete, graffiti covered corner of the edge of the underpass, I searched his face for any signs of anger, or really just any potentially dangerous emotion. I saw nothing. Didn’t change the fact that I was still on the verge of a nervous breakdown. My hands still held onto the armrests with a death grip as he nears me. Jimmy locks eyes with me, and when he sees the fear evident in them he smirks a little.

He knows he’s got me wrapped around his fingers. He knows I’ll submit to him. He loves knowing he’s got all the power. Power and control is something he lusts after, and it’s what drove me to cheat on him in the first place. I was afraid and wanted someone who could protect me. God only knows that didn’t work out, though. The guy left soon after he slept with me, leaving me in the position I was.

Jimmy slows his pace when he’s in front of me and puts his hands right on top of my own, leaning in towards me so I’m pinned back against the chair. His face is composed and eerily calm, but I’m not fooled; I can feel the muscles in his arms flexing angrily, wanting nothing more than to take that anger out on me. My body, the traitor, begins to tremble. I tip my head back and gaze at the ceiling with half-lidded eyes. In some weird, twisted way his anger is almost seductive, yet I’m still absolutely terrified of him.

“I saw you with him,” Jimmy murmurs, his mouth inches away from my ear.

I sigh loudly, replacing my fear and attraction with feigned annoyance. “Saw who?”

“Don’t fucking lie to me,” Jimmy growls.

I lower my head and meet his eyes, hardening them, not letting my guard down.

“What do you want from me, Jimmy?” I whisper, slowly shaking my head. “I’m fucking him.”

He swallows and nods his head once. He fails to hide the hurt behind his eyes. “What was I to you?”

I snort in disbelief. He really wants to ask me that question? Does it matter anymore? I had cheated on him, he saw me do it, and yet he has the nerve to ask me if our relationship was ever real. The asshole. I was right to let him go.

I laugh quietly and shake my head again. I’m starting to find this situation hilarious. Why was I ever afraid of him? He’s just as insecure as I am.

Suddenly, he’s only centimeters away from my face, the unexpected anger rolling off of him and choking the air around me. “What the fuck was I to you?” he bellows.

I shrink back in the chair, my hands squirming under the pressure of his own hands. The fact that he’s gripping my hands close to the point of broken bones is the only thing that’s keeping him from hitting me.

“A friend, someone I loved,” I say, my voice suffocated with tears threatening to fall. “And a beautiful memory. A beautiful fucking memory.”

The rage in his cold blue eyes has stepped back to let the sorrow fill in. Jimmy still loves me, I realize it right then. Nothing I could ever do would make him stop loving me, but he’s still gonna leave me because he’s too fragile to get hurt again.

I’m watching him at long last turn human right before my eyes.

“You know what? I don’t love you. You don’t even get to be a memory,” Jimmy says slowly.

His voice is cautious; he doesn’t want be to see what a lie his words are, but I can. I can see it as clear as day. I smirk and take the opportunity he’s given me, an opportunity to make him fall even harder. I may still love him, but he’s at his weakest point right now. I need to kick him when he’s so vulnerable. Payback’s a bitch, you know.

I lean in closer to his ear. “Nice tattoo then.”

He pauses for a moment, but finds that there are no words that could possibly respond correctly to that. So briefly, and only in an attempt to hide his weakness and realization that he lost this fight, he presses his angry lips to my own. He pulls away and my head falls back against the back of the armchair. I remain in that stunned position as I watch him get off of me and step away from where I sit, slowly and reluctantly. I beg him with my eyes not to leave as the weight of having lost the person I loved has suddenly settled down on my shoulders, but he continues on and turns around, walking away from me.

I jump up from the chair and bend down to pick up a small rock from the ground. I know that it’s not enough to do any damage, but that’s not the goal I have in mind. I just want to get his attention so he’ll come back for me. I don’t care if he’s angry or not, I just want him back. I made a huge mistake. I don’t want him to leave my life.

I lob the rock after him and scream: “Fuck you!”

Immediately Jimmy turns around on his heel and comes storming over to me. “Oh? So you’re gonna come after me?”

I can tell how absolutely fuming he is, so I instinctively cower against the concrete wall, starting to sob out of my own fear and desperation. He pushes me roughly, slamming my body against the wall, and places his hands on the wall on either side of me. Pain shoots throughout my body, making me cry even harder. I struggle against him, trying to get him away from me, but he’s far stronger than I am and he keeps me in my place.

I cry even harder, sucking in air as I’m close to suffocation. I don’t think I’ve even been more afraid of him in my life. His body is literally shaking with anger as he clenches his teeth and maliciously watches me struggle. He lets me continue for a moment longer so I can calm down and listen to what he has to say. With each minute that goes by I can tell he’s getting even more angry, so I lean breathlessly against the wall, letting the pressure of his body against my own keep me standing.

Jimmy removes one of his hands from next to me and lifts it, pressing his index finger against my forehead so my head is trapped against the wall. My heart beats faster, and I begin to quiver. I’m not sure what he’s going to do to me.

“You,” Jimmy says in an almost kind voice. “Are just a pair of tits. That’s all you’ve ever been to me.”

I’m absolutely silent for a moment as I let that sink in. I think harder and deeper, trying to find any hidden emotion behind his words. As I search more and more desperately, my breathing picks up.I soon realize he’s hiding nothing. He may still love me, but he really doesn’t want to be with me anymore.

“I…I,” My head won’t let me get the words out. I can’t bring myself to tell him I love him, as much as I want to, my brain is thinking better of it.

I shake my head back and forth against the wall, my breaths coming out in short, quick pants. I push my hands against his chest, finding that he’s a lot easier to get out of the way. However, I can tell he loves watching me fight against him, so he still puts up a little resistance.

I push him even harder and he gives way. Jimmy pauses for a moment, just looking at me.

“Go!” I scream, sinking down to the dirty ground, sobbing and shaking.

He turns away from me and I watch him leave for the last time.