Hills Like White Elephants

I was sitting on the couch of my apartment watching some random TV show. I checked the time on my iPhone, Austin was supposed to be here in a couple minutes so we could go over some song ideas for the new album. I sighed and hopped off of the couch. I started towards the bathroom, maybe drinking all of those monsters wasn't that good of an idea.

I quickly relieved myself and washed my hands. I looked into the mirror and played with my hair to pass the time, parting it down the middle and laughing quietly at how ridiculous I looked. I set my hair right and walked out of the bathroom.

There was a knock at the door, probably Austin. I walked the distance to the front door and swung it open wide only to be greeted by a beaming Austin Carlile.

"Aussie!" I said enthusiastically and embraced him in a tight hug.

"Hey Ashby," he winked at me and stepped over to the couch. He plopped himself down onto it and elevated his feet on the coffee table. I walked over to him and sat down at the end of the couch with my back pressed against the arm rest and my legs stretched out towards Austin. He turned towards me and smiled largely.

"So are we gunna work on some songs or what?" I smiled at him.

"Um, I kind of need to talk to you first," Austin said shyly, and motioned for me to come to him. At this point I'm kind of freaked out a bit.

"Okay?" I said, confusion coating my words. I crawled over to where Austin was sat and sat down with my knees tucked underneath me. "What is it?" I asked him from where I was positioned, about a foot away from him.

"Hey princess," Austin said like he was greeting me for the first time tonight. He's used this name before so I didn't think anything of it. From the day we found out that people 'shipped' us or whatever we played it up big time. Using pet names for each other and acting like a proper couple. I've sat in his laps so many times and we've even grabbed each other’s asses. We've actually kissed for a couple seconds, too.

“Hey Aussie, what’s up?” I laughed out and Austin joined in with me. He grabbed my waist and pulled me into his lap so that my legs we on either side of his. I wasn't exactly straddling him, I was just sat on him. I laughed again, “What’s gotten into you, you weirdo,” I said and rested my elbows on his shoulders so that my face was very close to his. He was staring dead into my eyes and I into his. I started feeling a bit odd, we were so close, closer than we had ever been before, excluding the kiss of course.

“Alan,” he said, while bringing his hands up to my cheeks. He cupped them and by now my face was contorted into one of confusion, and maybe a hint of ‘what-the-fuck-are-you-doing-Austin.’ “Please don’t freak out,” I was about to reply with something along the lines of ‘Please don’t give me a reason to,’ when Austin gently pressed his lips against mine. I pushed him away immediately.

“Austin!” I yelled and jumped off of him.

“I asked you not to freak out,” he said pointedly. My head was reeling with questions. Why did Austin just do that? Did he actually just do that? Is this some kind of joke? God, I’m so confused. I sat down on the coffee table and put my head into my hands and took deep breaths, trying to calm myself down.

“Can I explain?” Austin asked quietly, still sitting down but he had moved forward so that his bottom was barely on the couch. He leaned towards me and lifted my head up by my chin. Okay, I decided internally. I’ll listen to him. Because he is Austin and he’s my best friend. So I’ll let him explain. I nodded my head but he still held my face in his hands.

“Okay. Alan. We've known each other for a while, yeah? We've been absolute best friends for a while, too. We've been through a lot together and we kinda have this thing going don’t we? I mean like this whole Austlan Cashby thing. And I know that you've just been playing along, but,” he stopped and looked down, trying to string together the right words. He looked back up and smiled at me and started to rub his thumbs on my cheek. “I really like you, Alan. I like you, more than a friend, more than a best friend even. Please- just please don’t freak out,” He looked at me, willing me with his mind to answer but I was at a loss for words. How do you answer something like that?

“Austin,” I started quietly, as though if I spoke any louder everything around me would shatter. “I’m sorry. I’m not … I just, I’m not gay, alright?” I didn't mean for it to come out like that but it was the only way that I could tell him. Sure I liked Austin, but not in the way that he apparently liked me.

Austin looked down; however, his hands kept their position latched onto my face. I placed my own gently over his. That action brought his head back up and I could see his eyes glassed over, looking as if they were about to form tears. “No, Alan. I’m not taking that answer. Because I’ve seen the way you look at me. And I know that you feel something more for me, too. You may not know it yet, Mr. Ashby, but there is some other emotion that you feel towards me other than friendship. That doesn't mean you’re gay, but even if you were who the hell cares. You know I was never the one for labels,” I could see a few tears falling down his face now.

Slowly, very slowly, everything that he was saying started to make sense.

Maybe I did like him. It did make a strange amount of sense. I found his laugh deathly adorable. And I loved when he smiled because crinkles formed in the corners of his eyes. I loved how sweet he was and how accepting and caring he was. He always knew what to do to cheer me up.

I felt my eye brows furrow up forming into a look of confusion and I looked at him very seriously.

Austin’s mouth curved up slightly to form a weak smile. We were locking in eye contact for a couple minutes, letting the silence consume us. My hands still resting atop Austin’s, which were in turn still resting on my cheeks. “Austin?” I called out, everything that he said and that I thought still churning in my head. He looked at me, the few tears that had slipped past his eyes left streaks down his face. I felt horrible, physically sick from seeing him like that. I did that to him, I made him cry. “Austin,” I said again. I wanted to tell him everything that was going through my head right now. I wanted him to know. He needed to know.

The words wouldn't come. I opened my mouth and no sound came out. The only word that my throat would allow me to speak was 'Austin.'

“It’s okay, princess. I know you feel the same way about me as I do you, I know it. You have to,” Austin said, his voice cracking. I nodded, trying to make him see that he was right. I did like him. More than a friend. More than anyone I've ever known before.

“Hey now,” Austin said sweetly, “There’s no need for that,” he wiped tears from my eyes that I didn’t even know were there. I looked at him through the tears. Why was I crying now?

“Austin. Why am I so stupid? How have I been so oblivious to all of this?” I leaned into him, moving from my position on the coffee table to his lap once again. He removed his hands from my cheeks and placed them around my waist, securing me in place against him.

“Don’t say that, Ash. This isn't something we need to get upset over,” That was true. “Alan, you’re my everything,” He started rubbing circles in my back. “I need you,” He pushed me back a little so that I could look into his eyes again. “Alan, every day you give me a thousand reasons to laugh and to keep living,” He pulled my face towards his and kissed me with a passion that I've never felt before with any one. This time I responded in a way that showed my true feelings. I kissed back.

I don’t know what it is about this man, this beautiful man, inside and out, but he has stolen my heart. It may have taken 3 years for me to realize it, but he has done it. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
I pulled away from him a little and felt his hands tighten around my waist, oh but I wasn't going anywhere. I wrapped my hands around his neck, securing him in place this time. I looked him dead in the eyes, “Austin Robert Carlile, I think I’m falling in love with you,”

He looked back at me with a small smile playing on his lips, “Well that just won’t do because, Alan Anthony Ashby, I already know that I love you,”