Terrible Things

Jack’s POV

We’d been on tour for about 3 weeks now, things were getting easier. After my chat with Austin, I’d tried to become more animated, more approachable for my children, I would dedicate an hour of my day for my kids and I would make an effort to be their fun and loving dad they used to know.

I ignored the questions in interviews about how I was coping, from fans asking me if I was OK, and the questioning looks I got from new bands around. The older bands on the scene made sure I knew I could still hang out with them like before, they were all good friends, and I was happier than I had been since Leah had passed. I still wasn’t a hundred percent, but things weren’t as hard as before. I guess it was getting better.

That was until a couple of days before the 20th July; Leah’s birthday. I’d spent the week running up to it trying my hardest to forget all about it, trying to forget that it was even going to happen. I was determined to treat that day the same as any other since the tour began, and I was doing alright until the night before.

I was sat watching The Bourne Identity with Alex in the back lounge when I saw the door separating us and the bunks crack open, and Leo poked his head around.

“Daddy?”

“Yeah Lee?” I asked, looking over at him properly, startled to find he had tears streaming down his face, as he walked further into the room hesitantly.

“Lee, are you OK?” stupid question Jack.

He shook his head at me, and I opened my arms for him to come and sit on my lap. Alex coughed before pausing the film and leaving the room to let me and Leo talk.

“What’s up Lee?” I asked, looking down at the seven year old in my arms as he curled up on my lap, and I wiped away a few of the stray tears that were still lingering on his cheek. He sniffled and wrapped himself even closer to me, and I tightened my hold around him.

“I had a dream,” he began.

“Was it a bad one?” I questioned him, desperate to find out what had upset him so, surprised to feel him shake his head against my chest.

“Then what was it? Do you wanna tell me what was happening in it?” I searched desperately.

“Mommy was in it,” he started again. Oh. “and we were having a party for her birthday, everyone was there and there was cake. But she was there.”

“Why has that made you so sad Lee? You got to see her again,” I reasoned softly.

“Because I couldn’t remember what she looked like. I knew it was her, but she had no face, because I can’t remember it.” My heart shattered in that moment, my entire body felt like a wave of glass had just been thrown at me as my skin pricked at his confession. I couldn’t tell if I was sad, or angry at myself for not exposing them to photos of Leah, because I was so sad. I felt overwhelmingly guilty for what felt like the thousandth time since Leah had died.

“Lee, as long as you remember that you loved her, and you never stop loving her then that’s all that matters. There are photos that’ll remind you of her, and you can always ask me if you have any questions on her in the future, I will answer them as best as I can. But for now it’s too hard for me to do so,” I explained to him as honestly as I could, “Daddy still misses Mommy more than I can ever explain, and I’m sorry that I’ve been distant, but I’m trying.”

“I know Daddy, but I want to remember her forever.”

“And you will Lee, she’s your mom. That will never change, she will always be the most important person you have ever known, and I promise that you won’t ever forget her.”

“Thanks Dad,” he nuzzled his head deeper into my chest, and I just sat and rocked him gently until
he fell asleep in my arms and I stood up, carrying him back to his bunk.

I laid him down, and leant down and pulled up the covers around him, kissing his forehead, before pulling the curtain of his bunk back into place and getting back up before making my way into the front lounge.

“He alright?” Alex immediately questioned.

“I dunno, Lex. He misses Leah, and he remembered that tomorrow is her birthday. It just brought back things he didn’t want to think about.”

Alex nodded understandingly, and I decided to call it a night, making my way back to my bunk. I climbed in, but sleep didn’t find me easily at all.
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The next day, I woke up feeling shit. My entire mind was telling me that today was going to be horrible.

The beginning of the day went pretty standard, I took the kids out to the local aquarium with Alex in the morning, and then we all went out for lunch. I kept myself occupied, trying not to focus on the unhappy undertone of the day.

Before we knew it, we were getting our two minute warning for our set, and I was trying desperately to hype myself up. Alex and I were doing something special today as a dedication to Leah. It would be the first time I mentioned it all so publicly, everything people knew about it had come from the rest of the band or our management, and I was yet to talk about Leah so openly in public. But this was something I felt was necessary.

I looked over at Imogen who was stood the other side of the stage with Leo and Isla stood beside her, Evie perched on her hip, and she motioned for me to smile. I slapped on the best grin I could muster that day, and she just shot me a sad smile back.

Alex came up behind me and slapped my back.

“You ready?”

“As ready as I can be.”

“We’ll play it after Therapy, just come on stage after. Flyzik’s gonna put a stool out for you as well.”

“Got it Lex,” I smiled gratefully at him.

Then before I knew it we were running out to the stage bursting into Lost In Stereo, and the fans went mental. For the fans it was kinda like a comeback for All Time Low, we’d gone from touring 200 days a year, to going for 6 months without making any appearance, no music, no interviews, nothing. This was us getting back into it, and they loved it. Of course no-one resented us for our absence, they all knew why, the band had released an official statement the day after, to avoid the never ending questions, the sudden disappearance of my presence on social networking sites, and also if the fans caught onto Leah suddenly not being there.

Before I knew it, everyone was leaving the stage so that Alex could perform Therapy, and I listened extra hard that day to the lyrics, because although Alex had written it about himself, I couldn’t help but relate to the song. I was a ‘walking travesty’ but I was ‘smiling at everything’, and it made me calmer for the next part of our set.

As Alex came to the end of the song, I grabbed the acoustic next to me, and I made my way out onto the stage, sitting on the stool and prepared myself for the next song.