Terrible Things

Jack’s POV

My dad wrapped his arms around me and pulled me back towards my family and Alex.

My world was falling apart, and I had no way of stopping it. It was like I was drowning, no-one was there to save me, I couldn’t swim, and Leah had always been my life raft, but she wasn’t there to throw in and save me anymore.

I was dying.

The priest said a few last words, and I pulled Leo into my lap, hugging him tightly.

Out of all my children, Leo looked the most like Leah. He had her stunning blue eyes, her exact shade of brown hair and her smile. He even cried like her. The only thing that would make you able to tell that he was mine was his nose. Poor guy had mine.

I guess it was like I was holding a little piece of Leah close to my heart.

Alex, Rian, Zack, and Leah’s brother, Dean all stood up to carry the casket outside where we would finish the funeral. As they picked her up, I stood up, putting Leo down so he could walk outside as well. I took Evie from my mother, and Isla held tightly onto my hand as we followed the coffin outside.

I was shaking from head to toe, any show of strength I had promised I would hold was now gone. I don’t think my heart could take any more.

As we reached her final resting place, I was pulled into position beside Cass and Alex. It was comforting to know that they were right there.

“Now Leah’s son, Leo, will be reading us something,” the priest spoke.

My eyes widened, I had no idea Leo was reading anything. I guess I’d been too wrapped up in my own grief.

“Mom will you sit down
To listen what I have to say
We can be in the same room
And be miles and miles away
We are not a happy family anymore
Do you think you can fix this?
You can’t,
because you are never home.
Will you still remember my face?
Do you think a father figure will help?
It won’t I already have one.
I don’t want another.
He can marry a million girls;
We still won’t be a happy family.
Do you notice I’m slipping away?
I’m going crazy just so you will notice me,
But the thing is I just want my mom back.
I want my best friend.
I just want to go back
Where you were everything
Is that possible
All the tears I’ve cried
I just want my mom back!” and with that Leo burst into tears and ran up to my mother, as she pulled him into her arms.

At that moment something inside me snapped. I was stricken by something I didn’t think was possible. I was overridden by so much guilt, I felt physically sick.

I had done this; I had taken away their mother.

I had pulled the plug; I had signed on the dotted line.

I had stayed hidden away, when my children needed me.

I had cried every single night, while Leo had remained strong.

I had made my family miserable, when that was the last thing they needed.

I was a monster.

I started shaking harder than before, my whole body shivering from head to toe.

I turned around and handed Evie to Alex. He looked at me confused and I just looked down.

And then I was running. I’d never run so hard or fast in my entire life.

I needed to get away from the judgements people were making about the husband who’d killed his wife.

I needed to get away from the children who hated me for taking away their mother.

I needed to get away from myself.

I don’t where I’d run to, but wherever it was, was covered by trees. I found a tree and slumped down against it, exhausted from running, from crying, from watching everyone else hate me.

I sat there, involved completely in my own thoughts.

Why had I done this? Why couldn’t I have just kept her alive? Did I want her to die?

I shook my head vigorously when I thought of the last one. Of course I didn’t want her to die. I loved her so much, and the idea that I’d killed her was killing me.

I must have sat there for hours, doubting everything. Did I want to live? Wouldn’t it be easier for everyone else to just watch the traitor, the monster die?

I started thinking about how she’d died. Car accident. Why couldn’t she have been more careful? Why didn’t she try to get out of the way? Had she been drinking? Again I shook my head, as if to get the last thought out of my head.

I got angry. Why did it have to be her? What had she ever done? Why couldn’t it have been me?
“IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED?!” I shouted to the sky.

“DID YOU WANT ME TO BE UNHAPPY? IS THIS REVENGE FOR HURTING HER THE FIRST TIME ROUND? IS THIS TO MAKE ME SEE WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO HATE? TO SEE WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO REALLY CRY?”

Of course, no answer.

“I’M SORRY OK?! I NEVER MEANT TO HURT HER THE FIRST TIME, I NEVER WANTED TO FEEL THEIR HATE AND I SURE AS HELL NEVER WANTED TO FEEL THIS PAIN. BUT I’M SORRY FOR WHATEVER I DID. I’M SORRY I KILLED YOU LEAH, I’M SORRY I BROKE MY PROMISE. I’M SORRY I COULDN’T PROTECT YOU WHN YOU NEEDED ME THE MOST!” I shouted out to the branches.

“If I could take back that decision I would, in a heartbeat. But I can’t. I’m so sorry.” I whispered my voice hoarse. And with that I broke down into more tears.

I stayed like that until it started raining and it got dark.

I stood up, wiping away the remainder of my tears. I looked around, trying to work out where I was. My phone rang and I hesitantly slid to answer.

“Hello?”

“Jack where the fuck are you?!” Alex’s angry voice came from my handset.

“I don’t kn-” my voice caught, as more tears were threatening to overflow. I took a deep breath before continuing.

“I ran, and now I’m by some trees.”

“OK, I’m gonna come and get you. Don’t move.” he sighed down the phone.

“Sorry Alex,” I whispered down the phone.

“You can’t keep running Jack, it’ll kill you.”

“I just couldn’t take it anymore and now I missed the most impor-” again my throat closed up and I couldn’t carry on.

“Jack we’ll talk about it when I get there, but please don’t keep beating yourself up.”

“I can’t stop Lex.”

“I know, but just stay safe until I get there. Don’t do anything stupid.”

“I’ll try; see you in a bit Lex.”

“Yeah.”

Even my best friend hated me.

No-one loved me anymore.