Secrets And Lies

I just don't know what to do sometimes. You know when you get like that? Where you've got so many plans, so many ideas, so many dreams, but you just don't know where to go or what direction to start going in. I guess at this point I'm supposed to move on, give it up as a lost cause, but...I just can't. Not at all. They have no idea how much I can do. They have no idea of my talents or the way I think. They all assume that I can't, that it's not right. Well, fuck them. I can do whatever I damn well please, and I will succeed. So what if I don't really know? I can try. The way he used to look at me drove me up a wall. Now that we're successful, we can try something, right? He and I, together like it should be. Like it could have been so very long ago. Like it should have been.

But then again, things have changed. He's found someone else. Loves her so much it's nearly ridiculous--but I've been like that. I can't exactly blame him. Audrey is beautiful and individual and everything Brendon is, too. I'm a little jealous of her, but I really shouldn't be. So I'm not going to be. I'm just going to get over this. I think. Maybe. Hopefully. Definitely. God, I don't know.

Okay. I've got to get ready to go on stage. I've got to make an attempt to focus. I've got new directions to go in. That's all behind me, it's all so long ago that I shouldn't even be thinking it. But it's so difficult not to. Especially now, after all this time. But I can do this. I've done it before. I can do it again. Last time wasn't unbearable. I can make it through this. It is okay. This is okay. It really is.
~
This is new. This whole Ryan thing. Not something I didn't necessarily not expect, given his "newfound" sexuality, but it's definitely new. Feels flipped around for a change. Which is nice, but hey, I was supposed to move on. This wasn't supposed to happen and change everything. Jesus. Why now? Why not five years ago, when it didn't matter? When I was in love with him? When we could have had something? When we nearly did? Whatever. I guess things happen. But it could be a "just for now" thing. Could be completely not permanant. Just something brought on after seeing each other for the first time in a long time. This will pass. I think, anyway. I almost hope. If it doesn't, I'll have do something about it. But...I guess for now it's just nice to think. Nice to imagine. Not gonna be doing much imagining here soon, though. I've made commitments. Found other people. Found Audrey. Made a new start ot my life, without him being the center of it. Can't change that now. I've fallen head over heels for my pink haired girl. I've made choices that I don't regret. Well, maybe I regret them a little now, but as long as this is temporary, in a few weeks, I'll be back to where I was a month ago. None of this will exist. It'll be completely back to normal. Hopefully.

Time to go on stage. Time to go kill it. Time to pretend that everything is all in the past. I can do this. I can do this. Maybe. Definitely. Possibly. Shit.
~
It's been a long time since we've been on this stage. I've missed the fans, the noise, the music, the lights, the costumes...all of it. This creative vision of mine has come true to a fantastic extent. I'm loving every second of this.

Brendon's walking toward me, babbling something to the audience. That was always his favorite part of the shows. It was his opportunity to throw in his own bit of the vision. Of course he would. He always did. I catch a few of his words. I hear something about a perfect dream. Then it occurs to me that he's staring me down. That's when it hits me. In our past shows, this was the part where he kissed me. Would he really do something as ridiculous as that? That was such a long time ago! We were young and stupid and eager for fans. He doesn't have to anymore. I feel a flutter in my stomach. Oh, he is going to make it so much harder to get over the past.

Later, he'll tell me it was all in fun, just like he used to. For the fans. For a laugh. I wonder if he'll mean it as much as he did then. When he didn't mean it at all. For now, I'll just enjoy it and smile like the idiot I am. His lips are just as soft as I remember. That's fantastic. He's making it that much easier to remember, and that much harder to forget. Thanks, Brendon. Thanks a ton.