Secrets And Lies

Ashley's POV

Okay, I know you all hate me.

Yes, I do know this. But, you need to know my story.

You see, I'm not homophobic. I know, you're all surprised. I'm really not.

In fact, my side of the story is so much more shocking than any other side.

You see, I'm a lesbian.

As in, I like girls. Sex with guys is just disgusting. I don't understand how girls can do that.

Confused? Let me tell you my story from the beginning.

My mother. Aunt Kirstiy, as you may know her. She's terribly homophobic. She taught me that all gays, bisexuals, and lesbians should be shot, so all those straight people can live in peace. So I pretended to be straight, so I wouldn't get shot. My mother actually did shoot two men one time, because they were making out in the back woods. Their bodies were found in a lake nearly a hundred miles away about a month later. How she got them all the way there without getting caught is anyone's guess. I just remember her stuffing their bodies in the back of her car and telling me if I told anyone anything about this, that I would end up like them.

No, I did not grow up a very happy child.

Do you remember hearing about me attacking a sixty year old lesbian couple? My mom was with me that time, and she told me to. I could have broken their bones easily, but I was so torn between doing what I wanted to, and doing what I was told to do, that I only ended up bruising and scratching them a little bit, and I didn't really yell much at them, either. I still had to go to a prison overnight, and get screamed at by my mother that I could have done so much better than what I had done. I was so jealous of those women.

I was always terrified to show my true sexuality in front of Spencer-or anyone in his band, for that matter-for the fear that they might tell Mom, or tell someone that would tell Mom. I just wasn't able to handle it. I was hoping to go out with Brendon to gain his trust, and gain trust among his band mates, and finally come out. But he refused, and then he left, so I left not too long afterward and followed him. I know Spencer wanted me out of the house so he could make out with his boyfriend.

No, I'm not stupid or thick-headed. I knew there was something going on between them by the way they always smiled at each other, and how the last two times I've visited, they kept on glancing at each other, and when their eyes met, they looked away, and then repeated that until I left.

I followed Brendon throughout the rose maze, and found Ryan waiting for him with a bouquet of flowers. I had peeked through the bushes to see them (there's this particularly thin bit of it), and realized that I wanted to record this to give me courage later. My eyes widened as I watched them, so full of love for each other that they weren't afraid that anyone could walk in and see them. And, of course, they saw me.

And I ran like I've never run before.

I ran as fast as I could to a hotel, nearly a half a mile away. I didn't slow down until I got there, where I just sat in the lobby and took deep breaths. Now they're going to go back to Jon and Spencer and tell them, and I'm going to get a phone call any-

I kissed a girl
And I liked it
The taste-

I look at the caller ID. Spencer.

"H-hello?" My voice is so shaky...

"Ashley, you better have a fuckin good excuse for why-"

As much as I didn't want to, I cut him off. "Spencer, listen to me. I have something very important to tell you. Something rather scary, and you're not going to believe me at first. I'd rather not tell you over the phone, if not for the simple fact that I'm in a hotel lobby, and anyone could hear me. I'm going to be at your house in fifteen minutes. Please, try to open your mind, and expect the unexpected. You're not going to believe what I have to tell you. And, then, if you want to tell Mom, or anyone, then I'm fine with that. Just, please, hear me out in fifteen minutes." I hung up.

I half-expected him to call back, but he didn't. Shocked? I am, too. Extremely shocked.

I take a few more deep breaths, then call a taxi to come and get me.

I mull it all over in my head on the ride to Spencer's. I have to tell them. I'm sure as hell they won't forgive me for all the shit that I've done to them. It's just terrible!!! I'm just a terrible person. Being someone I'm not, That's about as low as you can go. I know. Just terrible.

The cabby pulls up to the Panic! household, and I pay him and try to remember to breathe. Something much more powerful than butterflies are pounding against the walls of my stomach as I walk up to their house and knock on the door.

A furious Spencer opens the door, yanks me inside and shoves me on the couch, slamming the door behind me.

"Explanation, please!"

I take one more deep breath and drop the bomb. "Spencer, I'm a lesbian."