Secrets And Lies

Ashley’s POV

“Liar.”

That one word came out of my cousin’s mouth. He called me a liar. He thought I was fucking lying about being a lesbian!! The one time I finally tell him the truth, and he fucking doesn’t believe me? Oh, this is not right…

I feel the anger start in my toes. The heat slowly works its way up throughout my body, finally making its way to my throat, so I can start to yell. He did not!

“Alright, Spencer James Smith, you fucking listen to me. I am a fucking LESBIAN. The fucking one time I tell you the truth after about fifteen years of fucking lying to you about every single fucking thing I do, and then you go and don’t fucking believe me???? You remember when we were kids, don’t you deny it. You remember how fucking often I got taken inside the house, and you weren’t allowed to come. My mother, my own fucking mother was teaching me the incredible fucking supposed “wrongs” that gays and lesbians are, my own fucking mother telling me they deserved to die, telling me that she would shoot each and every single fucking one of them if she could, and I had to fucking help her. Because it was “right”, so she told me. In fact, I spent one night of my fucking childhood, watching her stuff two gay men she had shot into the back of her fucking car, telling me if I fucking told anyone about this shit, I’d end up like them. You ever wonder why I was so happy when I was away from her, but terrified when I was around her? You wonder why I always publicized my boyfriends? Made sure my mother knew about them? Huh? Did you ever notice the way that I’d sometimes stare longingly at a pretty fuckin hot girl? Huh? And did you ever wonder, why exactly, I always got angry over Brendon and Ryan kissing? It’s because my mother, your fucking aunt, told me she’d have to kill the both of them if they started doing that on stage again. That’s why the hell I’m such a fucked up person. I just don’t know what to do anymore.” On those last two sentences, I could feel my anger wavering, and I broke down crying. I can’t help it. I’m crying. Oh, god, why did this have to happen to me?

I feel a warm, comforting pair of arms wrap around me. An extremely warm and comforting pair of arms. And somehow, vaguely familiar. I look up, and see my cousin’s face, deprived of the earlier sneer and red tint, and now wearing a soft look, one of final and complete understanding. “So that’s why you always avoided her, and why your boyfriends always complained that you never had sex with them. This all makes so much sense….oh, come here, Ashley, I love you, and I’m here to keep you safe. I’ll help you find out who you are. Just as long as my cousin stays here and doesn’t send that video.” I hear a light chuckle in his voice at the end.

“Spencer, do you really mean that?” My voice is steady, but the tears are streaming down my face. “I’ll delete that video right now, actually. I just wanted to keep it to give me courage to eventually come out to you guys. You know, that’s why I wanted to go out with Brendon, too, to gain his trust, and then come out to you guys. He seemed the nicest, and the most easygoing, and trustworthy, too. No offense to your boyfriend or Ryan or anything, but they just don’t seem as open as Brendon.” I laugh through my tears as Spencer’s eyes widen at the words “your boyfriend”

“You knew?” he asks ever so lightly. A slight smile is on his lips.

“Yeah, I did. I knew before you two did. It was pretty obvious.” I laugh again. Great, now I’m going into hysterics. But, surprisingly, this is all extremely comforting to me. Spencer, forever my favorite family member, and my best friend when we were kids, now knows everything. I don’t have to hide anymore. I don’t have to keep secrets from him, tell him any more lies. I can finally be open with him, completely and entirely. I can finally be me. Once I figure out who exactly I am.

Brendon walks into the room. His eyes are slightly glazed over with tears. “I heard everything, Ashley. I’m really really sorry you had to go through all that shit…..” And with that, he’s bawling, and hugging me, and telling me that he’s gonna help me find my identity if it’s the last thing I do, and that he’s gonna take me to Hot Topic to find out what kinda style I have as soon as he stops crying. He promises that he’ll be completely nice to me forever and forever, and that he loves me, and he can’t wait to get to know me. The only reason I’m not directly quoting this is because there’s a lot of gasps and sobs inbetween all of the words, and I don’t understand half of the words that are being said.

Then someone slowly brings Brendon away, and I look up to see it’s Ryan. He gives me a hug as well, and says to me, “I’m really sorry for freaking out on you earlier. I can’t believe you’ve gone through all of that…”A tear escapes his eye, too. Johnny Christ, talking about a cryfest!!!

“Oh, it’s okay, Ryan. I’m just glad you guys don’t hate me.” I smile. “By the way, you and Brendon are really hot together. Don’t dump him, ‘kay?”

Ryan laughs. “Not anytime soon, I won’t.”

Brendon wipes his eyes. “Okay. I’m done crying. I’m going to go fix my eyeliner. You better find yourself something black to wear, because Hot Topic doesn’t exactly accept Abercrombie and Fitch…” He glares at my A&F tee.

“What? It’s the only thing I knew! My mom told me it was what I had to wear!” I smile as I realize that she’s no longer the main focus of my life. I can finally be me! Then I realize there’s one last thing I have to ask before anything happens.

“Hey, Spencer…since I’m sure there’s at least two spare bedrooms in this house, is it okay if I stay here? You know, now that you don’t all hate me and I don’t have to stay with Chris anymore? He’s such an asshole, just like my mother…except he doesn’t actually kill people…” I trail off, awaiting a response.

Nobody answers for a minute. I start to get nervous.

“Oh, fucking hell! Of course you can! My parents bought this house, I can say who gets to stay, alright? You’re moving in!” Brendon’s loud voice breaks the minute-long silence (yes, it was exactly one minute).

Finally. Everything seems to be going right.