Secrets And Lies

Hello, dear readers. I'm trying to find a way to fill you in on what's happened in the past two years with Brendon and I. It's been a roller-coaster, that much I can tell you.

Perhaps the thing that stands out most in my memory is when Jon and I decided to split from Panic!. It was a good decision, I think, but God, Brendon hated it. He must have argued to both Jon and I a hundred times about why we shouldn't do this. The night before we made the split public, however, he and I sat down and talked about it all. About the music. About the fans. And about how we both needed just a bit of space from each other. We had been fighting like crazy with all of the time we spent together. Too much of a good thing, I suppose. It was tough for a while, walking into a studio and not seeing silly, spazzy Brendon chugging on his energy drink, waiting to pounce on me and everybody else in the room. But I got used to it after a while. After all, it wasn't like I was alone. Jon was there with me every step of the way. And we've created some great music together. Just like Brendon and Spencer have.

That was a big event. There were many smaller events that fill my memory, though. Waking up one morning to find that Brendon had moved himself into my house is one. Another is walking into the studio to find that every vertical surface was taped with pictures of glitter cupcakes, “Courtesy of Brendon and Spencer”--and going home to find that glitter cupcakes had, in fact, been baked. I remember spending an afternoon in a pet shop listening to Brendon teach a bird how to whistle the chorus of “Change”. Spending three hours making a perfect Italian meal for Brendon when he came home—and watching him fall asleep face-first in his spaghetti sauce.

Lots of little things make up two years. A few big moments make them up as well. Like splitting the band. Like moving in with each other. Like sleeping on Spencer's couch because Brendon kicked me out after a huge fight. Like making up a week later. Like the night I watched him get down on one knee—while we were watching Spongebob, of all things. Brendon was never a fantastic romantic. But I couldn't be a happier person. My Brendon...

We're waiting for things to be legal. It may be a few years. It very well could never happen. But Brendon is my husband in every way that counts. It's been too long to think of it any other way. In a very sappy romantic view, of course. That's what the magazines love to make out of it. Brendon gushed all over the reporter who interviewed him about it. It was a bit ridiculous. But, then again, when is Brendon not ridiculous? With all of his ridiculousness, he's thrown us so far out of the closet, and paved the way for so many others. But you know them all, don't you? It's probably old news by now, all the same-sex couples that are out and proud. So we won't go over them.

There will always be secrets and lies, I suppose. Especially in this fame game we play. But, between Brendon and I, there's our little piece of honesty and happiness. God knows how I've found it—but I'm so glad I have.