‹ Prequel: So New
Misconstrued
Chapter Two
So this is what it was to be in love with a dead girl. I sighed, got up, and dusted the dirt off the back of my jeans. I took a step backwards before I scattered the flowers atop her grave, smiled, then got away as quickly as possible. I didn’t suppose she’d like me hanging around her grave but sometimes, I found myself needing to be there. A cold chill followed me all the way to the cemetery gates where I got out just in time, jumping the short fence as I hadn’t time to unlatch the gate. If it caught me… I mean, what if it had been her, that breeze? I didn’t know what I’d say to her. It had been my fault. She wasn’t here because of me.
I shuffled home with the wind against me all the way, making it inside the apartment complex just as it started to rain. I almost cried as I saw my mum walking down the hallway towards me, a slight smile on her face. It had been so long since I’d seen her. The shock of it was probably showing as I awkwardly moved forwards to meet her half way.
“Gerard. I tried your apartment but you weren’t home…”
“I was out.”
“Look at you. It’s freezing out there and you aren’t even wearing a jacket. You have to take better care of yourself!” I might have been annoyed by her nagging at one point, but I was just too happy to see her. Maybe I should have been angry, instead. She reached her hand out, almost as if she was going for my cheek, but ended up stroking the back of my arm, instead. “I wanted to invite you out with me next weekend, just to get you out of this place for a bit…”
“I get out of here plenty.”
“You know what I mean. Please.” I couldn’t look her in the eyes but I nodded anyway, biting my lip and passing her as I continued walking. “Well, I’ll let you know the details, honey,” she called after me, but I’d only half heard her. Everything hurt as I got back to my apartment and fell against the door, a total mess. She hadn’t seen me in years. She’d told me I needed to sort myself out before she’d even consider it. Did this mean I had sorted myself out? I wasn’t sure about that. I wiped furiously at the tears streaking my cheeks and was definitely not sure about that.
I’d always sort of danced with death, in a way. I knew it wasn’t something desirable for anyone, myself included, but it had intrigued me. The darkness of the subject brought me back again and again; there was nothing else quite like it. I loved the way it would bring out how much people could care about you, and then immediately after, how much they despised you for making them care. It had been an ill thought experiment of mine a long time ago to discover the limits of those around me and I’d reached and surpassed every single one of them. My mother included. I guessed that there would come a point in time when she’d stop coming to hospital to find out what I’d ingested, injected, ran into, jumped off of… That had been the hardest recovery of them all; I had been completely alone in my head.
Sometimes I wasn’t sure I was over my obsession with that special kind of darkness. It often still visited me in my sleep and lingered in my head where it stole more room within me to conjure up something... ominous.
I shuffled home with the wind against me all the way, making it inside the apartment complex just as it started to rain. I almost cried as I saw my mum walking down the hallway towards me, a slight smile on her face. It had been so long since I’d seen her. The shock of it was probably showing as I awkwardly moved forwards to meet her half way.
“Gerard. I tried your apartment but you weren’t home…”
“I was out.”
“Look at you. It’s freezing out there and you aren’t even wearing a jacket. You have to take better care of yourself!” I might have been annoyed by her nagging at one point, but I was just too happy to see her. Maybe I should have been angry, instead. She reached her hand out, almost as if she was going for my cheek, but ended up stroking the back of my arm, instead. “I wanted to invite you out with me next weekend, just to get you out of this place for a bit…”
“I get out of here plenty.”
“You know what I mean. Please.” I couldn’t look her in the eyes but I nodded anyway, biting my lip and passing her as I continued walking. “Well, I’ll let you know the details, honey,” she called after me, but I’d only half heard her. Everything hurt as I got back to my apartment and fell against the door, a total mess. She hadn’t seen me in years. She’d told me I needed to sort myself out before she’d even consider it. Did this mean I had sorted myself out? I wasn’t sure about that. I wiped furiously at the tears streaking my cheeks and was definitely not sure about that.
I’d always sort of danced with death, in a way. I knew it wasn’t something desirable for anyone, myself included, but it had intrigued me. The darkness of the subject brought me back again and again; there was nothing else quite like it. I loved the way it would bring out how much people could care about you, and then immediately after, how much they despised you for making them care. It had been an ill thought experiment of mine a long time ago to discover the limits of those around me and I’d reached and surpassed every single one of them. My mother included. I guessed that there would come a point in time when she’d stop coming to hospital to find out what I’d ingested, injected, ran into, jumped off of… That had been the hardest recovery of them all; I had been completely alone in my head.
Sometimes I wasn’t sure I was over my obsession with that special kind of darkness. It often still visited me in my sleep and lingered in my head where it stole more room within me to conjure up something... ominous.
♠ ♠ ♠
So sorry I don't update my MCR stories very often :( Feel free to send me pictures, quotes, your favourite Gee Way interview, etc. to inspire me <3Thanks to fragilewords for giving me a kick in the butt ;)