You Were Just About to Tell Me How You Meant That You Were Sorry

Jack was in the best mood ever. It was his and Alex’s five year anniversary. A park near the venue of tonight’s concert was having a fireworks show and they were going to have a picnic under the stars/sparks and it was just going to be perfect. Nothing could kill his happy buzz.

After the show, they were outside, talking to fans and whatnot, when Jack saw her. Why the hell was she here? They weren’t near Baltimore, but there she was, standing next to Alex like she owned him. Alex and Lisa hadn’t been together for a long time, but she liked to pretend they were. Jack sighed and shook his head, brushing it off as nothing. It was just her being weird.

The next time he looked up, though, he was met with the sight of a lip-locked pair, cameras flashing all around. Well, fuck, that killed the buzz. Quietly as he could, Jack walked away, tears stinging his eyes.

As he walked, not even sure what direction he was headed, he started to think. What was that about? Why would Alex do something like that to him? You’d think that after five years together, he would get that kissing an ex-girlfriend wasn’t on the long list of Ways To Make Jack Smile.

Were they even together?

Woah, Jack…where did that thought come from?

Okay, sure, they hadn’t told the fans yet. Actually, no one really knew except for their immediate families and the rest of the band and crew and a couple of their very close friends from other bands. All in all, about twenty people in the entire world knew. Alex (still) wasn’t quite ready to come out yet, and Jack was patiently waiting, but it had suddenly hit him that what if he had to wait forever? What if Alex was never ready? What if he was always ‘with’ Lisa in the public eye and only with Jack in bunks and hotel rooms? Did he even love him?

God, he had to stop thinking or he was going to get even more upset.

He realized he’d made it to the park they were supposed to have their date at. He sank to the ground and leaned against a tree, pulling out his phone. He had a text from Alex asking where he was, which he ignored. He got on Twitter to see if anything new was going on.

The first thing he saw was a tweet from Rian: It kills me when my friends make decisions that hurt themselves and others.

He scrolled further and found where Alex had retweeted a picture of him and Lisa kissing. Well wasn’t this just perfect? Because he evidently had a death wish, Jack clicked on it and started reading the replies.

That was a mistake.

“OMG, you guys are so cute! Get married already!”
“Ugh, kms, I want a relationship like this.”
“Suck it, Jalex shippers!”
“Lisex 5ever!”
“Cutest thing ever, I can’t even.”
“Aww, poor Jack…I bet he’s sad…”
“What the fuck, Alex?”

That one came from Tay Jardine. Tay was the girl you could always count to call you out on your bullshit. She was also one of the few people that knew Jack and Alex were together. Jack could tell that she was pissed, just from one tweet.

It was getting dark and the idea of watching the fireworks by himself was depressing, so he started to head back to the bus. If he could just sleep for a few days, maybe it would all be over when he woke up, like it never happened.

When he climbed into the bus, Rian and Zack both offered him sympathetic shoulder pats. “Alex went out,” Rian mumbled softly. “I think he’s looking for you.”

“Um, there’s someone waiting for you back there,” Zack added. They were both speaking so delicately, like they thought he would break. And he just might.

Who was waiting for him, if Alex was out? Was it Lisa, there to rub it in his face? Wouldn’t that just be typical? He slowly made his way back to his bunk, and there sat Tay. She leaped up and instantly gave him a hug before launching into the explanation of why she was there, “I was in the area visiting some family and after I saw what that dickhead did, I knew you’d need company that doesn’t have a penis because no matter how understanding and nice they try to be, they won’t give you any decent advice because they’re dudes.”

Jack smiled weakly, trying his best to take that all in. “Thanks…but I don’t think I need advice…”

She rolled her eyes. “I brought beer.” She sat cross-legged on the floor and held out a six pack. He sat on his bed and took one, popping it open.

“It’s just…am I not good enough for him? Why doesn’t he want the world to know we’re together? And why would he go kissing her like that?”

Tay grimaced. “I wish I knew. Look, Jack, you’re a great guy. Anyone would be lucky to have you. And I know Alex knows that. But in my experience, I’ve found that guys get scared when they think they don’t look tough. You know? And even though they don’t show it, their image is just as important to them as a girl’s is to her. And trust me, I know it’s fucked up that he thinks his perfect ‘image’ is the world thinking he’s straight, but in his warped mind, that’s what makes sense to him. He’s gonna be in for a rude awakening one day when another guy realizes how amazing you are and steals you from him.”

“Nobody could steal me from him,” Jack protested.

“I know, sweetie. And that’s what makes you too good for him. He loves you, he really does, but for some reason, he can’t seem to see how much you really mean to him, and that makes me want to cry.” She leaned forward and kissed Jack’s forehead. “Boys are stupid. But they learn eventually.”

“Jaaaack,” came a whiny voice. “What’s this? I went out looking for you and I come back and you’re drinking with a girl? Not cool, Jacky. Hey, Tay,” he added as an afterthought.

She stood up, fire blazing in her eyes. She may be a tiny girl, but she wasn’t one to be crossed, and she could be downright scary when she got angry. “What the actual fuck, Alex?” she fumed before storming out.

“What’s she so mad about?” Alex asked lightly, sitting next to Jack.

Rather than answer, Jack pushed him away.

Confused, Alex shrugged. “I went to the park, but you never showed up. I thought we had a date.”

Jack gave a sad laugh. “I thought we were together.”

If Alex was puzzled a second ago, he seriously had no idea what was going on now. “Um…we are. Seriously, Jack, what’s up? You miss our five year anniversary date to drink with Tay, and now you’re being all pissy.”

Jack couldn’t believe this. Did he really not have a clue why he was upset? God, he was clueless. “I’m just fucking fine, Alex,” he snapped, walking off.

Alex heard the bathroom door slam. He followed him in the hopes he’d actually talk to him. He tapped on the door. “Jack…please talk to me?”

“Fuck off!” was the strangled-sounding reply. Followed by sobbing.

He’d definitely fucked up. Now he was left with the task of figuring out what he did. He found Rian on the phone—probably with Cassadee—and Zack talking to Tay. Alex cleared his throat, and all three heads snapped up instantly.

He could feel the coldness that filled the room when they looked at him. “I gotta go, Cass. Love you.” Rian put his phone away.

“Okay, you guys are clearly mad at me too, but could someone maybe tell me what I did?”

“Gee, I dunno,” Zack said. “It couldn’t be that you kissed someone else on your anniversary…gosh, I really don’t know what you did.”

Rian slapped Zack’s shoulder in a now-isn’t-the-time-for-sarcasm kind of way. “He’s right, Alex. Man, what were you thinking?”

“Jack saw that?” he asked, surprised.

“Oh my god, what the fuck is wrong with you?” Tay shrieked, voice shrill with frustration. “Of course he saw! And even if he hadn’t, it’s all over twitter and tumblr!” A look of absolute fury on her face, she said something about not even being able to look at Alex right now before going back to try to talk to Jack.

“Your first mistake was kissing her. The second mistake was retweeting the fucking picture,” Zack told him. “Are you really that stupid?”

“Look…I don’t know what I was thinking. She was there and the fans kind of expected us to kiss because they all still think I’m straight,” he explained.

Rian slow-clapped. “Brilliant reason! ‘My boyfriend is a few feet away from me, but nobody knows he’s my boyfriend. My ex is right here and everybody thinks I’m straight. Instead of A) ignoring her or B) manning up and admitting I’m gay, I’m gonna go with C) kiss her to reaffirm my straightness to the world.’” He shook his head and grabbed his phone again, not speaking again until he found what he was looking for. “Cass called me earlier and she was crying because of this picture.” He passed the phone to Alex.

It was a picture of Jack that someone had tweeted in reply to the Lisa/Alex kiss photo. “Jack’s face when he saw them.” He looked devastated, heartbroken, like his world was falling apart.

“Shit,” Alex murmured to himself.

——

When he finally went to try to make amends, not a hundred percent sure of what he could say to make it better, he found that Jack was sound asleep, head in Taylor’s lap as she combed her fingers through her hair. She looked at Alex when he came in, but she didn’t appear to be angry anymore. Voice soft, she asked, “Why would you do that to him?”

Alex sat on his own bed. “I don’t know. It, it made sense at the time. How mad is he?”

“He isn’t. He’s sad and disappointed and hurt, but he’s not mad at you. You really hurt him, Alex. He’s so in love with you and—”

“Hey, I’m in love with him too!” Alex interjected.

“I know that and you know that and I think the other guys know that, but that’s not my point. He’s so in love with you and no matter how much I try to tell him you feel the same, he’s having trouble believing it right now. You’ve been dating for five years and you’ve hardly told a soul. He thinks you’re ashamed of him, or that you’re using him because you need a sure way to get laid, or that he’s not good enough for you.” She chuckled, but it had a cruel edge to it. “Can you imagine that? That he thinks he’s not good enough for you?”

Alex was going to say something about that comment being uncalled for, but he couldn’t. His actions definitely warranted little jabs like that. “He’s too good for me,” Alex said, mostly to himself.

“I’m not going to argue with that. But he doesn’t see it that way. He loves you more than anything. He thinks so highly of you, and all he wants is you, but you keep giving him reasons to think you don’t want him anymore, or that you never did.”

“Like what?” Besides the obvious, what else had he done?

“Little things, like how you’ll stop holding hands with him if someone walks by. And kissing Lisa was kind of the last straw. He can’t take much more of this, Alex. If you don’t sort out your issues, another guy is going to come along, and before you know it, he’ll have swooped down and taken Jack because he’s not ashamed. I love both of you and I want you to both be happy, but he’s not happy. He tries to be, but he can’t keep faking it. If you love him, prove it to him. But if you’re not completely certain of how you feel, do him a favor and set him free, because you can’t keep stringing him along.”

As gently as she could, she slid out from under Jack. She pecked Alex on the cheek before leaving.

Do him a favor and set him free…

Alex didn’t want that. He wanted Jack. But how the hell was he supposed to make up for this?

——

The next night was their last show of the tour. It was the least fun any of them had ever had while playing, and it was effecting the fans. Zack and Rian were trying to make up for the lack of energy, but there was only so much they could do.

They had a couple nights at a hotel before they were set to head home. Jack and Alex were sharing a room, but Jack wasn’t leaving Rian and Zack’s room, no matter how many times Alex knocked on the door or called him.

The ninth time he came knocking, Rian let him in. “Jack,” he yelled. “Someone’s here for you.”

Even though he knew who it was, Jack still walked to the doorway from where he’d been huddled under a blanket. “What do you want?” he asked hollowly.

“I brought flowers,” Alex said, offering him the bouquet. “Look, Jack, I’m really, really sorry. I know I fucked up and I—”

“It’s whatever.”

“What?”

“I mean, I don’t care anymore.” Jack sighed before turning from him, dropping the flowers in the trashcan.

Shit.

——

It was a little after midnight when Alex called Rian. “Ri,” he cried into the phone. “Can you please come talk to me?”

Rian sighed and shook Zack to wake him up. “I’m gonna go talk to the asshole. Wanna come?”

“Nah, I’ll pass,” Zack decided. Trying to talk to Alex right now was dangerous.

So Rian went alone. Alex opened the door before he’d even had the chance to knock. He was borderline hysterical already. “I think I’m losing him!” he wailed.

“You’re not losing him.” He tried to sound soothing as he pulled out the spinny chair from the desk and sat in it, fighting the urge to start spinning around.

“Yes I am! He threw away the flowers, he won’t talk to me…I shouldn’t have cheated.” It was only a kiss, but he knew that even one kiss was bad.

“It’s not just that you cheated…after five years together…in front of tons of fans with phones and camera…who later posted pictures of it all over the internet… Although, while I’m on that subject, that was inadvisable in and of itself.” Rian tried to think of how to word it. “It’s that you kissed Lisa. If you’d planted a kiss on me or Zack, he wouldn’t be so upset. He would’ve laughed. But you and Lisa dated for—what, four years? You and Jack started dating when you were twenty and it was right after you and her broke up… So, yeah, four years. That’s a pretty long time. Even after all this time, he doesn’t think he measures up to her.”

“But why?” Alex asked, voice hoarse from all the crying he’d been doing the past few hours. “He’s perfect.”

“Because you don’t shout it to the world that he’s perfect. I know it sounds pathetic to you, but he needs some sort of validation, and I don’t blame him. I have never seen him this broken, Alex.”

“He said he doesn’t care anymore,” Alex reminded him.

“God, you’re an idiot.” There was a slightly affectionate note to his voice. “Do you really think he meant that? He doesn’t want you to think he cares. As soon as you left, he broke down. I’m surprised you didn’t hear him down the hall. He was pretty loud, crying about how you don’t care. He honestly thinks you don’t love him. You’ve gotta get through to him, and I’ve gotta get some sleep. Think it over and figure out what you’re going to do.”

When Rian was gone, Alex called Tay. “I know it’s late and you’re mad at me, but I need a favor…and if Cassadee isn’t busy, better get her involved also…”

——

They were almost back to Baltimore. “Jack, I’ve got the best surprise ever waiting for you at home!” They always referred to Alex’s house as home, even though he’d never officially invited Jack to live there.

“Oh, I’m staying with May this break. Sorry.”

“Will you at least come look at it?” he begged.

“Maybe some other time?” And then he looked away, devoting his attention to something else.

When Alex got to his house, he didn’t want to see what Cass and Tay had done for him, but he couldn’t help but look. Rose petals on the floor spelled out I love you, Jack. Sorry I fucked up. There were candles lit—they must have just left a few minutes ago—and a few of Jack’s favorite foods. It was so sweet and romantic and exactly what he’d asked for. He tried not to cry as he blew out the candles and swept up the petals. And then he called Tay again.

“He w-wouldn’t come with me. You guys did such a wonderful job and, and, and, and…god, why do I always have to fuck up?”

“I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

Nine and a half minutes later, she was on the couch next to him. “I really messed up this time. What if he never forgives me?”

“Alex, I’m not gonna lie. You were seriously a dick by doing that, and I know it made sense for a fleeting second, but come on…if it involves kissing Lisa, it doesn’t make sense! He’s going to forgive you, though.”

“Really?” Alex’s face lit up.

“But,” she continued. “He also said he doesn’t know what the two of you are anymore. He wants to be with you more than anything, but he doesn’t think you want him, and… He’s sensitive, and you hurt him really bad this time, and just giving him flowers and saying you’re sorry isn’t going to cut it.”

“Well then, relationship guru—single relationship guru, I should add—what do you suggest I do?”

She put a hand over her heart. “Ouch, that hurt. But I have an idea…”

——

“Jack!” May shouted. “You have to come see this!”

“I’m busy!” he called back. He was packing for tour again already. They were leaving in two days after nine days off.

“It’s really important. Please, it’ll only take a few minutes. It’s worth it, I promise!”

Sighing, he joined her in front of her laptop. Her eyes were shining with tears, but she was smiling. She pressed play on the video.

“No, May, I don’t want to deal with him, okay?”

“Jack. Watch. The. Motherfucking. Video.”

“Hey everyone, it’s Alex. I have something big to confess, and it’s taken me a long time to come out with this secret. I should’ve done this a long time ago, but I don’t always actually have the guts to say anything.”

“Alex, please don’t reference any more of your own songs…it’s not funny,” came Tay’s voice from behind the camera. “Get on with it. I don’t have all day.”

“Right, sorry. Anyways, I kind of fucked up a couple weeks ago. I assume you’ve all seen the picture of me kissing Lisa. Well, um, I shouldn’t have done that. And Lisa, I’ll go ahead and say sorry to you because it wasn’t fair to you that I did that. I’m in a relationship. I’ve been with someone for five years now, and now the person I’m head over heels in love with won’t even talk to me because I kissed someone else on our five year anniversary. Yes, I’m an asshole.”

“But that’s not what I’m here to confess. You should all know by now that I’m an asshole, right? Anyways, what I have to say is this: I’m gay.”

He stopped for a few seconds and took a deep breath. “I’m gay. I love Jack Barakat more than anyone could possibly imagine, and I suck at showing it sometimes. If you’re watching this, Jack, and I really hope you are…I’m sorry. I’m really, truly sorry that I hurt you and that I was too scared to come out years ago. I want you. I’m not ashamed to be with you. And don’t you ever think for a second that you don’t deserve me. You’re too good for me, babe…I love you.”

“Alright, well, cat’s out of the bag now, and I don’t apologize to anybody this offended.”

“He did it,” Jack whispered. “Uh, May, I have to go.”

“I know,” she said, beaming. “I’ll finish packing for you.”

Jack gave her a quick hug and left, throwing himself into his car and speeding all the way to Alex’s house. He invited himself in when he got there, finding Alex pacing the living room. “Sure, you can come right in,” Alex said sarcastically, lips threatening to turn up into a grin.

He just about tackled Alex in an embrace. “I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,” he said, kissing all over his face. “I love you so much, Alex.”

“Mmm,” he sighed contentedly. “I love you too, Jack. And I don’t know if you gathered it, but I’m sorry for being such a goddamn idiot.”

“You may be a goddamn idiot,” Jack agreed. “But you’re my goddamn idiot, and now everyone knows it.”