Dying to Be Happy

I remember laughing. I remember smiling like the sun was always brightly shining. I remember my childhood and all the things that made me happy. My friends, family, school, hobbies- I felt pretty content for the most part. Ever since my parents broke up, I did start feeling a little... different. I didn't know what I felt, so I tried to ignore it. Unfortunately, when you're me, some things just cannot be ignored.

I was ten years old when it happened. July of 2008, to be exact. My family was about to take a trip to Six Flags in Dallas, TX, and I was going to meet my pen pal, Laura, for the very first time at her birthday party. (She lived in Louisiana- near my grandparents). I was beyond excited. My step-mom and dad left to go shopping for our trip a few hours before we left; so my step-cousin Sarah and I were left home alone. I loved Sarah. She was fifteen, and I was almost eleven, but she was like a big sister to me. We always sang together when she came to visit, and it was like heaven on earth for me. I looked up to her and admired her in ways that she didn't even know. I wanted to be just like her. But something she did changed my life forever.

"Look how skinny I am," she said, showing me her hip bones. The girl was practically perfect. Tan skin, long hair, blue eyes, big boobs, small waist. She was gorgeous.
"Yeah, you're like, so little," I agreed. Sarah had her head in her phone by then, texting her boyfriend Josh. I sat down on the floor.
"I'm so fat," I said to get her attention. I didn't really mean what I had said, though. But Sarah still kept her focus on her phone screen.
"Yeah.." she replied. I just sat there for a second, but then it hit me what she had just said.
"No I'm not!" I laughed, "You're joking!" I kept laughing. But Sarah did not.
"No I'm not," she said with a straight face. She just looked at the ground and tried to avoid eye contact.
"Oh, you're joking! Stop!" I still attempted to half-way smile.
"No I'm not," she said again, "You're fat." I still didn't believe what she was saying.
"C'mon, no I'm not. I'm not fat," I said. The laughter was gone in my tone of voice. I looked at Sarah, who was still looking at the floor.
"Yes, you are," she said. Her face was still as straight as a toothpick.
"You're joking," I said. "C'mon, Sarah, stop joking." This wasn't funny to me anymore.
"I'm not joking," she said flatly, "You're fat." She picked up her phone to text Josh again.
"Sarah," I pleaded, "you really think I'm fat?"
"Yes."
"Seriously? Like, you're not joking?" I couldn't believe this.
"Yes, I'm serious. You are fat." Her expression was as dead as a door knob. Was I dreaming? Like... Did she really just say that? I looked at her. Then, I turned around and looked at myself in the mirror. My big t-shirt, my hair pulled back, my pale face. Was Sarah right? I had never really payed attention to how I look. I just wore t-shirts and jeans all the time... I kinda dressed like a tom boy. But I didn't really think that it was important how I looked...

That was the day when I realized: Appearance matters. How you look defines who you are as a person. People judge you based on your size. It matters how you look. It does give people impressions.

I have to do something about this. I can't be fat. Not me. The thought never even occurred to me. But the damage was done. The words cannot be unsaid. And since then, my life has changed in bigger ways than I ever thought it would.