Dying to Be Happy

As 7th grade went by, the depression got worse. The days grew longer and longer, and so did the crying episodes I had.

After Christmas, I returned to school in the same depressive state of mind. I still adored Janyce more than anything. But when you're me, the desire for love and attention never leaves. There is a name for it, but I didn't know what Dependent Personality Disorder was when I was 13.

I attached myself to teachers. Not in the same way as I did to Janyce, but still enough to where my emotions would get triggered.

One teacher I felt adoration for was my science teacher, Mrs. Rage. And yeah, she was about as nice as she sounded. None of the students liked her. I was the only one. My older sister had her when she was in 7th grade 14 years before. Melody said that Mrs. Rage used to throw things when she lost her temper... and Mrs. Rage lost her temper a lot.

I adored Mrs. Rage. I don't know why, but I did. I would have done anything for that woman, yet she treated me like dirt. I always told her I loved her and that she was my favorite teacher. And she said I was the sweetest girl she had ever taught, but she didn't really show that. I remember the first bad experience I had with Mrs. Rage.

"Jade, spit the gum out," she demanded.
"But Mrs. Rage, it's lunch time," I explained.
"I don't care, spit the gum out! You're about to have to anyway."
"But... This is my lunch..." I was quiet when I said it. The look on her face confirmed my fear.
"What?!" she exclaimed. She pulled me out into the hallway.
"What do you mean that's your lunch?" she asked angrily.
"I mean," I began, "this is my lunch. I don't eat lunch. I'm not hungry at this time of day." I was too used to explaining my eating habits...
"Oh, that's so unhealthy! You know you could DIE from that? That's why you can't pay attention in class!" Like I didn't already know that... Whatever she said after that just went in one ear and out the other, just like everything else I heard about my eating. I just shrugged and went on to lunch. But when class started, so did something else...

"Jade! Answer the question!!" I heard a familiar voice shout.
"Uh... I uh... Well, you see, uh..." I had no idea what we were even talking about.
"You see?! This is what I told you!" she shouted to where EVERYONE could hear. "You can't pay attention because you don't eat anything! That's what happens to people who are anorexic."
Everyone's eyes landed directly on me... I froze.
"That's why Jade has to sit in the front of the room, because she can't pay attention to anything! That's because she doesn't eat!" Mrs. Rage continued.
I sat there in silence. Not knowing what to say... But one word stood out to me and the rest of the class: Anorexic.

After class, kids came up to me and started to ask questions:
"Are you really anorexic? Why do you think you're fat? That's so gross, I couldn't do it! So like, do you make yourself throw up? Are you gothic?? Why do you think you're not skinny? That's so messed up!" The questions went on and on and on. I felt like I was back in the 5th grade. But even that didn't break me.

One day, however, Mrs. Rage did break me. In more ways than one...

My friend Ashley and I sat together in science class. (Ashley isn't the brightest crayon in the box). It was a regular day with the Anorexia whispers and Mrs. Rage picking on me... But suddenly, Ashley and I heard a noise coming from outside the classroom. We looked at each other, ignored it, but then heard it again. It wouldn't stop... Of course our attention was not on the weather! It was on whatever that mysterious yet so interesting sound was.
"Mrs. Rage!" I blurted out without thinking, "What's that noise!?" Ashley and I kept laughing, because we both weren't taking this science lesson seriously.
"Well I don't know, Jade! It's probably the special ed kids!!" 'Oh no,' I thought. 'Don't say it...'
"And since you can't seem to pay attention today, maybe you should go join them!!!"

I froze...

All eyes landed on me once again. Mollynn looked at me helplessly. Ashley had the same look. So did everyone else in the room...

Special Ed? First I'm anorexic, and now I'm special ed? My mouth dropped open, but no words came out. Mrs. Rage continued on with the lesson.

When the bell rang, I rushed to my next class in tears. I put mt head down on my desk and cried. I hated crying in front of people, but I couldn't help that. Mollynn and my friend Kaleb came to my desk. "What's wrong??" Kaleb asked. "Mrs. Rage..." Mollynn explained to him. No more explanation was needed. Things had gotten out of hand... and they only got worse from there.

I remember the day that Mrs. Rage told me that I shouldn't feel smart. And I remember making an A on her test just to prove her wrong, but it didn't change anything.
I remember going into her classroom for make up work and leaving in tears because of how badly she yelled at me.
"MY CLASS IS TAKING A TEST, JADE!!! YOU HAVE GOT TO BE QUIET!!! YOU KNOW WHAT?! GET OUT. JUST GET OUT. GET OUT OF MY ROOM. NOW!!!!!!"
I went to Daddy's house that day and called Mama right when I got off the bus.
"Mama, she screamed at me today. I don't know what to do anymore. She's so mean to me! Why is she so mean to me?? Can I please come home tonight??"

I was so helpless. I was miserable. I wanted Ms. Janyce. I wanted my mom. I wanted Mrs. Rage to like me... Nothing she did ever changed how I felt about her. Why did I love someone that only hurt me??

I lost more weight. I was down to 95 lbs, and everyone thought I looked awfully skinny.

"That's it," Mama said one day, "Your eating habits are gonna change. If I can't make you eat, someone else will!"

... Mrs. Rage pushed me into doing something that I never thought I'd do before.