Dying to Be Happy
The "Cut" Off
The summer before my freshman year started, and I was seeing Mommy Kacie everyday. I helped her out a lot at church, and I loved every minute of it. But the moments that I didn't spend with Kacie, I spent doing something else...
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(Easter 2012)
I had spent the night with Jade Miller, and we spent the day outside. I was bummed, naturally, because I wasn't with Kacie. I stayed outside so long that my skin was burnt to a crisp. I was a lobster!
When I went to Daddy's house after leaving Jade's, I checked my Facebook... What I saw absolutely killed me inside.
Julia had to had done this on purpose... She posted a picture of Kacie kissing Sadie's cheek at an Easter Egg Hunt. I was DEVASTATED. I cried harder than I had ever cried before. I went straight into the kitchen and got salt & ice. I pressed it to my already burnt skin on my wrist until I couldn't bear the pain any longer. It left scars. I then cut myself on my wrists until I was bleeding. I couldn't keep my feelings in. I let Kacie know how bummed I was. I wore bandages on my arm to church, and my guess is that she figured out why. She came over to me, brushed my hair back, and lightly kissed my cheek. Then she said, "Now, do we need a picture of this?" I just smiled and tried to fight back the tears. But it was after that that I was never the same
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That summer, I volunteered to help with VBS. I stayed with Kacie that whole week, because my mom had to work. It was probably the most emotional week of my life. No amount of love from Kacie was ever enough. I spent nights lying on the couch curled up with Mommy Kacie just crying on her shoulder for no apparent reason. I was so good with the kids at VBS. They really made me happy. But one day, I just lost it. Mommy Kacie had told me that she would be going out of town the next week and wouldn't be back for a about 7 days. My heart tore into pieces. My co-teachers at VBS saw me in tears, and I vented about my dependency towards her. They said they never would've labled me as depressed because of how good I was with the kids. Matthew wrapped me in his arms and prayed for me. But I was at a point to where nothing was helping.
That following Sunday was the day before Kacie would leave to go out of town. When I saw her, I broke down into tears. I hugged her until she made me let go. She walked me out to Mama's car, and that was it. Bye bye, Mommy Kacie. Something told me that something wasn't right though.
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The week went by. I cried every day and did nothing but that. Then another week went by.. I hadn't heard from Kacie. That made me worry. But the worrying was better than what was to come.
One day, I got a phone call. That was the call that changed my life forever. "Jade... I love you. I do. But I think we need some time apart. I think you're a little too codependent on me for your happines, and I have a family to think about. I really have enjoyed spending time with you, but I don't think it's a good idea for me to see you anymore. I can't see you destroy yourself because nothing I do is ever enough. I hate seeing you cut yourself. I can't deal with that. I have a husband and two kids that I have to put first. I'm sorry. I love you."
The line went dead. I froze. I let all of it sink in for about 5 seconds before....
"NO!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!! NO?!!!!!!!!!" I completely lost my mind. I went into the kitchen and grabbed the newest and sharpest knife I could find. I slashed both of my arms until there wasn't any where left to cut. I was screaming in the middle of my kitchen floor with blood surrounding me when my mom walked in. She came over to me and held me while I cried. I wanted to die. I tried to die. I would have died... If my mom hadn't had been there. I craved death. And I wasn't going to stop until I got it.
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(Easter 2012)
I had spent the night with Jade Miller, and we spent the day outside. I was bummed, naturally, because I wasn't with Kacie. I stayed outside so long that my skin was burnt to a crisp. I was a lobster!
When I went to Daddy's house after leaving Jade's, I checked my Facebook... What I saw absolutely killed me inside.
Julia had to had done this on purpose... She posted a picture of Kacie kissing Sadie's cheek at an Easter Egg Hunt. I was DEVASTATED. I cried harder than I had ever cried before. I went straight into the kitchen and got salt & ice. I pressed it to my already burnt skin on my wrist until I couldn't bear the pain any longer. It left scars. I then cut myself on my wrists until I was bleeding. I couldn't keep my feelings in. I let Kacie know how bummed I was. I wore bandages on my arm to church, and my guess is that she figured out why. She came over to me, brushed my hair back, and lightly kissed my cheek. Then she said, "Now, do we need a picture of this?" I just smiled and tried to fight back the tears. But it was after that that I was never the same
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That summer, I volunteered to help with VBS. I stayed with Kacie that whole week, because my mom had to work. It was probably the most emotional week of my life. No amount of love from Kacie was ever enough. I spent nights lying on the couch curled up with Mommy Kacie just crying on her shoulder for no apparent reason. I was so good with the kids at VBS. They really made me happy. But one day, I just lost it. Mommy Kacie had told me that she would be going out of town the next week and wouldn't be back for a about 7 days. My heart tore into pieces. My co-teachers at VBS saw me in tears, and I vented about my dependency towards her. They said they never would've labled me as depressed because of how good I was with the kids. Matthew wrapped me in his arms and prayed for me. But I was at a point to where nothing was helping.
That following Sunday was the day before Kacie would leave to go out of town. When I saw her, I broke down into tears. I hugged her until she made me let go. She walked me out to Mama's car, and that was it. Bye bye, Mommy Kacie. Something told me that something wasn't right though.
***********************************************************************
The week went by. I cried every day and did nothing but that. Then another week went by.. I hadn't heard from Kacie. That made me worry. But the worrying was better than what was to come.
One day, I got a phone call. That was the call that changed my life forever. "Jade... I love you. I do. But I think we need some time apart. I think you're a little too codependent on me for your happines, and I have a family to think about. I really have enjoyed spending time with you, but I don't think it's a good idea for me to see you anymore. I can't see you destroy yourself because nothing I do is ever enough. I hate seeing you cut yourself. I can't deal with that. I have a husband and two kids that I have to put first. I'm sorry. I love you."
The line went dead. I froze. I let all of it sink in for about 5 seconds before....
"NO!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!! NO?!!!!!!!!!" I completely lost my mind. I went into the kitchen and grabbed the newest and sharpest knife I could find. I slashed both of my arms until there wasn't any where left to cut. I was screaming in the middle of my kitchen floor with blood surrounding me when my mom walked in. She came over to me and held me while I cried. I wanted to die. I tried to die. I would have died... If my mom hadn't had been there. I craved death. And I wasn't going to stop until I got it.