Dying to Be Happy

I remember the feelings I had after I accepted the fact that my home was destroyed. I felt broken. Alone. Fear. I was more sad than usual. Everyday Mrs. Revlehcs would get onto me about looking so down and upset. I just wanted to say back to her,
"Well, you wouldn't be jumping for joy if you didn't have a home to live in, now would you?" It irritated me. But it was true. Most of my smiles were gone. I felt worthless, and nothing would change that. On occasions, Jayce and his mother would comment on how big my butt had gotten, or how my boobs were HUGE. My mom even told me back in the summer that I was starting to look a little pudgy. Audrey and I had become friends. But even she said I wasn't as thin as I could be. I didn't want to be fat anymore. So I did something about it.

In the winter of my 6th grade year, Mamaw came to visit my mom and I in the hotel we were living in. Naturally, she cooked more food than you could imagine. I was never one to turn down her cooking. But there's a first time for everything.

Not a day passed where I didn't count my calories or step on the scale. I was impressed with myself for the first time in a while when I finally stepped on the scale one day. I wasn't satisfied, but I had made progress: 93 lbs. I had lost thirteen lbs since I started school, and I wanted to lose more. I wanted to be eighty-five lbs, and then I'd stop.

One day, I made a vow to myself. I cannot be over 99 lbs until I am fifteen years old. I will not go back in the 100's. And I didn't.
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6th grade never got any easier. Mrs. Revlehcs actually bullied me... A teacher. I was being bullied to no end. I had missed a lot of school, because I had the flu and I auditioned for America's Got Talent. I remember the day clearly when I couldn't help but cry:
"JADE!" Mrs. R. called out, "NAME ALL OF THE PROPAGANDA TECHNIQUES!" I had no idea... I knew a few, but not all of them. I wasn't even there to learn that.
"Uh.... I uhm... Uh..." I struggled to no end. I felt my face turn red.
"YEAH, YOU DON'T KNOW!" She blurted out to the entire class, "cause you've been too busy AUDITIONING!" With that, she called on someone else.
Everyone turned around to look at me. My face was as red as anything. I wasn't really friends with anyone in there, since they were all preps, but we were acquaintances. I never cry in front of people. It's just not my nature... I had to fight as hard as I could, but I could feel the tears well up in my eyes.
"Don't listen to her," said the girl next to me, "she's jealous. You're awesome." I appreciated that, but I was still pissed off and hurt.
"She has no idea how hard I've worked," I whimpered angrily, "I wasn't even here to learn that. And she keeps telling me that I'm gonna fail."
"Just don't listen to her," she replied, "she doesn't know anything."
It was hard, though. Everyday it was something. I could never do anything right for her. But I wasn't trying to please Mrs. Revlehcs. I wasn't trying to please anyone. Except myself. She made me feel weak. She reminded me how weak I really was. She gave me no support, and I felt as if I had no value.
"Jade," she called out across the lunch room, "where's your lunch?!" All the teachers looked at me, and so did a few kids who were just coming in.
"I don't have one," I responded. Why was it any of her concern anyway?
"You mean you're not eating?!" She was so dramatic. She made a scene about everything.
"No ma'am," I answered boldly, "I'm not."
"That is so unhealthy! You really need to eat something," All I did was ignore her comment.
Who was she to tell me when to eat? No, just no. She was on my case about everything. She sure as hell was not going to bug me about this too.
"Jade!" she yelled in the middle of the hallway. "Dude, you're like, bringing me down. I mean, smile. You always have this look on your face like your dog died or something!" [Ha ha. You're so funny]. Some kids giggled.
"I don't have a dog," I told her. My face was dead serious. That made them laugh even more.
"You know what I mean," she said, "I mean, I know your house burned down and everything, but you never smile anymore. You're so sad and depressing. It's bringing me down." Part of me wanted to think that she actually cared. But the other part of me knew that she just didn't like anyone else having negative energy, because it ruined her enthusiasm.
She had no idea what I was feeling. In all honesty, I didn't either. I had never felt this kind of sadness before. I couldn't shake the feeling. And Mrs. Revlehcs was NOT making it any easier. Everyday she reminded me that I would fail her class. It hurt- bad. It felt good whenever I made B's on her test. I told her that I guess I wouldn't fail with a B, but she always came back with something to ruin my day.

I wasn't changing for her, though. I was changing for myself. And I didn't want to stop. So I didn't.