Entombed

Over the next week at the farm, while Randall’s leg was healing, Rick and I had been sneaking off with each other every other day. On some days, it was a spontaneous, exciting getaway that made us giddy afterward. The other days, it was completely intense and passionate with barely a word exchanged between us. During one of the intense moments, I wanted to tell Rick I loved him, but I wasn’t sure if I would have meant it or not. I knew that the only thing stopping me was the fact that Rick already loved someone else. Thinking about that led me to wonder what I meant to him.

My silence was beginning to unnerve Glenn. I was sure that he had already figured out that I was angry with him by the time the week was over, but he just stood by and stared at me from a distance. I was able to sense that he wanted me to approach him and tell him what was bothering me, but I wasn’t in the mood to spell everything out for him.

That morning, a week after Randall’s arrival, Shane and Rick planned to drive our uninvited guest out to a place where he can be safely abandoned. There was a public works station nearby that was their best bet to leave him without going out too far. Rick told me the plan the night before, when he and I had met up in the woods again, and I disagreed with him.

“Just kill him,” I had told him as I slipped my clothes back on. “You should have killed him when we first saw him impaled by that fence.”

Rick didn’t say much to me after that. And when I woke the next morning, he, Shane, and Randall were already gone. I was afraid for Rick. I wasn’t too fond of the fact that we could lose him just because he had to dump out a nuisance that we could’ve taken care of earlier. I was beginning to think that Rick was too kind for his own good.

Noon came around quickly. The sun was close to setting every inch of the farm on fire with the immensity of the heat. I spent most of the day inside, taking care of several things around the house. Everyone was beginning to notice that something was wrong with Beth. After her state of shock after the barn incident, she never fully recovered. Jimmy, her own boyfriend, couldn't even get a word out of her.

Lori brought some food up to Beth, in hopes of seeing her finally get something in her stomach. Nothing on the tray had been touched by the time Lori had checked up on Beth, but a knife had been missing.

“I’ll go,” I said, stopping her from leaving the kitchen.

I ran up the stairs and shoved Beth’s door open. She was facing away from the door, huddled up inside of the blanket.

“Beth,” I said, catching my breath. “Give me the knife.”

She didn’t reply. I was sure she was trying to convince me that she was sleeping.

I held out my hand. “Now, Beth.”

She reached under the pillow in her arms and handed me the knife. I knelt at her bedside and looked down at the knife in my hand. “You really shouldn’t be thinking about suicide, Beth.”

“It’s all so pointless,” she replied, sniffling. “To go on like this… There’s nothing left.”

“You have your family--your dad, Maggie. You have me, too. And everyone from Rick’s group is here for you.”

“No one would understand my reasons to kill myself.”

“I’m sure I understand more than anyone,” I said. “Look at me.”

She turned in the bed and peeked at me from behind the blanket.

“You know all those times I went on runs for supplies?” I began. “Well… there were times where I felt like running into town and just putting a gun to my head and shooting myself. I didn’t want to live like this… searching for food and water until there was nothing left.”

Several tears slipped from my eyes before I spoke again. “In those moments, I realized that if I just gave up and let you guys wonder where I went--that would make me the most selfish person. I thought about how you guys would feel if you found out I was dead. Especially Otis. After he died… I realized that there was no giving up. There’s always something out there. You have to remember how big the world is… it’s almost limitless. So, don't even think about taking your own life, Beth. Not while the ones you love are still here for you.”

“What happens when they die and I’m the only one left?”

I wiped my eyes as my lips trembled, smiling a bit. “You’ll always have them, even when they’re not around. Just remember that.”

I rose to my feet and left the room, shutting the door quietly behind me. When I reached the bottom of the stairs, Maggie was waiting for me. “What happened?” she asked, completely distraught.

I showed her the knife. “She was thinking about killing herself.”

Maggie passed me on the stairway without saying a word and rushed into Beth’s room. When I had reached the kitchen, I already heard muffled shouting coming from her room. I sighed, tossing the knife into the sink, and jolted when Lori appeared behind me.

“Are you alright?” she asked. “You look like you were crying.”

I avoided looking at her and stared out of the kitchen window. I didn’t think having Lori so close to me would throw me off that much. In the middle of the scorching heat, goosebumps rose along my arms. I was drowning with guilt as she stood only inches from me, asking me if I was alright. I wondered if she had even suspected me of sleeping with her brokenhearted husband every other night.

“I’m okay, thank you...” I said. “I just don’t want to see Beth hurt herself.”

She turned around and leaned against the counter, crossing her arms. “Neither do I. Even though the world is like this, a young girl like her still has her life and I think that’s enough to be grateful for…” Her sudden pause caused me to finally look at her.

“When Carl was injured and Hershel was working on him,” she began. “I was thinking about asking Hershel to put Carl down…” The tears welling up in her eyes caught me by surprise. I assumed I would be the last person she would confide in.

“I thought Carl was going to die anyway and I just didn’t want him to continue living in a world like this. Rick and I disagreed on that, of course. He was the one who taught me to still have hope even when the circumstances are horrible. And the next thing we knew… Carl pulled through. It was a miracle to me and I felt so stupid for ever thinking about letting Carl die.”

“I understand why you considered that,” I added. “Your son is everything to you… If I were a mother, I wouldn’t want my son to live in this world either.”

Lori turned to face me, smiling as she wiped away her tears. “Thank you,” she said. She continued to gaze at me, giving me assurance that she appreciated my empathy. She walked away soon after, disappearing up the stairs.

I spent the next hour outside of the house, recollecting my sporadic and jumbled thoughts. While I paced around the perimeter of the farm, I was approached by Glenn. He grabbed my arm, pulling me into the shade of the barn.

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on yet?” he asked, blatantly irritated.

I pulled my arm from his grip. “What are you talking about?”

Glenn gulped and blinked madly, looking around for any eavesdroppers. “Last week, when we first got Randall… I saw you and Rick.”

My eyes dropped to the dirt beneath us. “You didn’t see anything.”

“Stop that,” he said, scoffing. “You do realize that Rick is married, right?”

“Do you realize that you can’t just switch between me and Maggie? You’re a fucking hypocrite.”

Glenn’s face drooped into a frowning state of shock. His tongue was caught as I stepped away from him. “Don’t stick your nose into my business,” I said, storming away from him. “You have someone else to worry about, don’t you?”

Andrea was backing out of the front door to the house while I walked up the porch steps. “You’re not allowed to step foot in this house anymore, do you understand me?” Maggie shouted as she and Lori neared the front door. “You stay away from Beth.”

Andrea shook her head and paced away from the house, Maggie’s wrathful eye on her. “What happened?” I asked.

Maggie grunted in frustration. “She almost let Beth kill herself!”

“What?” I asked, taken aback. “How?”

“She let Beth into the bathroom and Beth broke the mirror and cut her wrist open.” She shook her head and massaged her temples. I exchanged a look with Lori and placed my hand on Maggie’s shoulder.

“Is she okay?”

Maggie nodded. “She didn’t cut too far before she realized what she was doing.”

“I’m not saying Andrea’s right,” Lori said. “But maybe this was the only way for Beth to snap out of it.”

“There’s nothing right about this!” Maggie replied. “Beth tried to kill herself!” She rushed into the house, running up the stairs.

“She’ll calm down,” I assured Lori. “She’s just in shock right now.”

“I hope I haven’t upset her…”

“Don’t worry about it,” I said, chuckling. “Maggie gets a little hotheaded sometimes.”

The sound of rolling tires on the dirt road grabbed our attention. Rick and Shane were back. I was eager to hear the news about Randall and hurried away from the house. Both Shane and Rick looked equally upset when they stepped out of the car, slamming their doors. Rick walked to the trunk of the car and yanked Randall out of it.

“... What?” I whispered to myself.

Rick was immediately questioned by his group about why Randall was still here and he simply said, “Something came up.” As I closed in on him as he handed Randall over to Daryl, I noticed that his face was bloody, covered in cuts and bruises. I opened my mouth to speak, but Lori had asked the question already. “What happened out there?”

“There was a herd,” Rick said, watching Shane walk away from the crowd. “We were almost killed.”

Lori took Rick’s face in her hands and then pulled him into a tight hug. “Thank God you’re okay,” she murmured.

I moved my eyes between Rick and Shane, sensing that there was more to the story that took place eighteen miles out. I shot a questionable look at Rick and his eyes gave everything away--he and Shane had gotten into a nasty fight.

I slipped away from the group as they expressed their opinions of Randall’s return and followed Shane into the shade, where Jimmy would often cut firewood. He was standing there, pacing back and forth with his hands on his head.

“What happened?” I demanded.

Shane stopped in his tracks and laughed. “Shannon, you’re honestly the last person I want to see right now.”

“I don’t care,” I retorted. “What happened out there? You and Rick are both banged up and I don’t think walkers take part in fist fights.”

“It’s none of your fuckin’ business, Shannon.”

“It is, actually.”

“Why?” Shane asked, raising his eyebrows as he smirked. “You in love with Rick or something?”

“No, but I care for him.” The moment I spoke, I regretted what came out of my mouth. The silence following my words sent my pulse skyrocketing.

“Is there something going on between the two of you?” Shane asked, bringing himself closer to me.

“Back away.”

“Answer the question and I will,” Shane muttered. “Tell me.”

“No, there isn't,” I said, glaring up at him. “Now back off.”

“You’re a shitty liar,” he laughed. “You’re exactly what I expected--a whore.”

“Speak for yourself,” I spat back. “You think that Rick’s the only one who knows about you and Lori?”

His knuckles cracked as he clenched his fists together. “You’ve got nerve,” he said, backing away from me. “Too much for your own good.”

“Listen,” I said, placing my hand on his shoulder as he faced away from me. “I know exactly what you tried to do today… It didn’t take me long to figure it out.” I tugged on his shoulder and spun him around.

“If you touch Rick again, I will fucking kill you.”