Heartaches Knocking on Her Door

[June 1st 2013, Warsaw, Poland]

“I miss this” Gas mused aloud as he lounged at the Tour Bus’s kitchen table, still in high spirits from the show the band had just performed in Warsaw. The bus lay parked at the back of the concert venue, along with the buses of other bands which had also performed at the Warsaw Student Festival.

Ville peered over the edge of his bunk which was to the left of the kitchen area “Really? You miss these cramped touring death traps? Eternally smelling like sweat, always able to hear each other’s wanking at night? You miss this?” He laughed, rolling back onto his back.

The night had been overwhelmingly stunning. Being up on the stage in front of thousands. Ville could still hear the chants of the audience as the band had come on stage. A sea of fans had been his only view as the night air whirled through him, singing his heart out. He was still wearing the blazer and V neck from the show, he’d been too lazy to take it off as he and Gas had returned to the bus, exhausted.

It was a new tour bus Seppo had gotten for them to use for most of the European shows. At the front of the bus was the living room/kitchen area. A mock marble counter, sink, and cabinets up against one wall, with couches and table sat opposite them; above was storage space. At the back lay the bunks, big enough to fit two people per bed, though the rest of the guys had left their families at home. At the back of the bus was the large bathroom, an enclosed shower taking up most of the room inside it.

“Where are the rest of the guys” asked Gas who had already showered and changed into clean clothes, sweats and a worn black Slayer tee shirt.

“They went out looking for entertainment” Ville sighed as he stared up at the ceiling of his top bunk.

After that day he had spent with Liv, he couldn’t get her out of his mind, more than usual. He’d tried to call her again, but she hadn’t answered. When he had finally been so frustrated he had even went down to the part of town her hotel was in, in hopes of running into her. He’d seen her, but she had been with Jarno. She had been smiling, laughing, touching his arm playfully. Ville had just turned around and left.

He knew the symptoms, the love struck symptoms. Did he even love her? Was it too soon to say? Too young, she is too young for you, he kept repeating, angrily shutting his lids. He punched the side of his bunk in frustration.

Gas peered over to look at Ville with a raised brow. “You alright?” He asked, concerned, taking another bite of his burger.

“Fine” Ville mumbled, running a hand through his unkempt dark curls.

There was a commotion outside of the tour bus, voices, they were approaching, supporting his head with his hand, Ville turned towards the door of the tour bus, which was right across from him.

Mige absentmindedly swung open the door, holding it open as he spoke with a roadie, both had a beer in hand. The nights cold air came blowing into the bus as Mige stood out, still in the plaid button up he had worn during the show, talking.

Ville looked out into the night. The tents of roadies and crew members littered the back area of the festival grounds, Seppo had opted not to get a sleeping bus. Not too far in the distance he could see a group of people standing in the headlights of a truck, talking, listening to Black Sabbath, beers being passed around.

Suddenly the opening notes of War Pigs came on. Ville looked on curiously as a noticeably drunk Liv stepped out from the crowd, holding a beer can. She was wearing light wash high wasted jean shorts with a black tank top tucked into them, oversized knitted gray cardigan overtop. He could hear her distantly singing “Generals gathered in their masses” Her body swayed to the music. Ville could see the group of roadies also watching her as she danced in the headlights, casting slender shadows in the night.

Liv had been at the autograph signing earlier in the day, taking pictures, but she had barely spoken a word. Ville had also seen her backstage at the show, but again she was quiet as she hid behind her camera taking pictures. But now, now as she drunkenly danced, she wasn’t hiding anymore.

“Ville, stop being an old fart, come down and play some drinking games. We’ll invite the guys out there in here, play some ‘I Have Never’” Called Mige as he came onto the bus, fingers clutching the edge of Ville’s bunk.

Ville sighed “Very well” He crawled out of the bunk. He took a last look out the bus door before going over to sit with Gas.

Soon Mige returned with Burton, who wore his lucky cowboy hat, Linde, who was already drunk, and a few of the roadies. Burton passed around the beers he had returned with and everyone took a seat, ready to play.

“Alright, my idea so I’ll go first, I have never-“ Mige was suddenly cut off by a flash coming from the open doorway of the bus. Everyone turned but there was no one there.

Linde and Burton who sat on a nearby couch, turned to each other and smirked.

“Liv! Come in! and put that fuckin camera away for once” Burton joked as Liv’s head poked out from the doorway, smiling.

“Fine” She declared as she drunkenly swaggered onto the bus, hanging her camera around her neck.

She took a place against the sink, in front of the table, directly across from Ville. He couldn’t help but stare her down as she looked straight into his eyes, her gaze immovable. What I would give to know what she is thinking, thought Ville as he finally broke his gaze and turned to Mige to continue.

“Alright, I have never, and I do apologize Liv but I couldn’t help myself” He said, flashing a devilish grin at Liv who narrowed her eyes at him, crossing her arms, “I have never kissed Jarno.” He smiled triumphantly, popping off the lid of a beer bottle and extending it towards Liv. All eyes turned to her.

“Not fair” She grumbled, forcefully taking the beer and taking a sip.

Ville’s muscles began to tense. A cloud set on his mood. Am I jealous? He thought. I have no right to be, I turned her down, twice.

Liv cleared her throat, eyeing all the faces stuffed into the cramped tour bus. Ville could tell she was trying to think of one to make them all drink.

She grinned finally. “Alright guys, if you are going to play it that way, than, I have never spelled my name in snow with my own piss”

The crowd of men all roared with laughter, except Ville, all taking sips of their beers. Ville reluctantly brought his beer to his lips, narrowing his eyes at Liv, who was still smirking.

It was Pertti’s turn next. He had been a regular roadie since Tears on Tour. He was 30 with a buzz cut of blonde hair and a muscular build.

He mischievously looked over at Liv, who rolled her eyes. Ville looked on jealously.

“I have never” He called out in a slight Finnish accent “kissed my own sex”

Half the guys on the bus, the entire band included, took sips of their beers, but again, all eyes turned to Liv.

She hesitated, but a smile suddenly broke out on her face and she took a sip. The guys all started hollering and hooting. Ville rolled his eyes. She really shouldn’t be hanging out with a bunch of guys, they can’t keep their eyes off of her, can’t she go make friends with some girl roadies from other bands.

Ville was up. He was in a bad mood, a spiteful one. She’s bewitched me, he thought angrily. His jealousy was getting the better of him. His judgment was clouded, and so before he could stop himself, the words spilled off his devilishly pronged tongue.

“I have never taken a nude photo of myself.” He looked directly into Liv’s eyes. He could see his words slowly register and suddenly her eyes were alive with fire.

No one had taken a sip, but their heads had turned to Liv, who stood there, visibly angry, cheeks reddening, staring daggers at Ville.

She quickly and angrily chugged down the rest of her bottle and bolted out of the tour bus.

The roadies began to holler as Liv left, but Mige, Gas, Linde, and Burton all turned to Ville confused.

“What was that about” Linde asked, shuffling uncomfortably in his seat next to Ville.

“I’m a resentful bastard” He got up and rushed out of the tour bus, searching the nights darkness for Liv.

He found her sitting on the ground outside what he believed was her tent, smoking a cigarette. She glared at him as he approached.

“Why do you have to run away every time you get mad” What are you saying, you are supposed to be apologizing, Ville yelled internally.

“How dare you, you ass. Why? I don’t understand. On top of already looking through private pictures, you had to basically announce to everyone in there that that picture exists, and now you are here criticizing me.”

He sighed. He needed to stop talking, he was making it worse. He didn’t know what had come over him in there. Why he had been so malicious. Was it cause she had kissed Jarno? Was it cause she had obviously not been answering his calls in the past week? Cause she had been so distant? But after all Ville, he told himself, you are in the same boat. You’ve done the same things to her…

He took a seat next to her, despite her icy stare. “Look, I don’t know what came over me. Now I’m not defending myself, but darling you already knew I had went through your pictures, of course that is no excuse why I was rude back there. Will you please accept my apology” He looked into her hazel eyes earnestly, hoping that she would understand.

“I am sorry sir but I must decline your apology” She tossed her smoke and in a blur of black curls she had retreated into her small blue tent, angrily pulling the zipper closed on the entrance.

Best not to make things worse by talking, Ville thought as he got up off the ground. He could hear Liv shuffling around in her tent.

“Ville” She called from inside.

“Yes” He replied softly, full of hope that she had changed her mind, that she would accept his apology, that she would forget her drunkenness and understand his frustration.

She slowly unzipped the zipper on her tent door and poked her head out. She didn’t look angry anymore, she looked upset. Ville’s heart sank.

“Please just, I’m grateful for this, for all of it, but you, I just can’t anymore. You are confusing the hell out of me, so let’s just stick to business. No outings around Helsinki, no drinking in hotel rooms or tour buses. Just leave me be.” She ducked back in before he could reply.

Ville somberly returned back to the tour bus. Determined not to let this, this girl, this girl affect him. Who was she to him anyways, just a noticed talent. He could do without her. At least that’s what he told himself. I have Sandra to warm my bed, I have the guys to talk to, I’ve got it all, I don’t need her…

That night he drank, drank more than he had in a long time.

***

[July 25th 2013, Oulu, Finland]

“Liv calm down, breath, what’s wrong. I know there’s something you haven’t been telling me, just spit it out, you’re going to have a panic attack over there, calm down.” Came Marcus’s soothing voice over the line.

It was night as Liv sat in her small tent on the QSTOCK festival grounds. The band and crew had gone a couple of days early to settle in before the show on Saturday.

Liv didn’t know or care what time it was in LA she had just needed to talk to Marcus. She lay huddled in the dark inside her warm sleeping bag, balling her eyes out.

“I just, I can’t stay on this tour. It’s too much. Staying somewhere new almost every night, always eating out, no friends, no home, no, no, and I’m so overwhelmed, Seppo just keeps pushing pushing, I always have to meet new business people, I always have to talk to someone over at Revolver or Kerrang, I can’t anymore Marcus, I want to go home, but I can’t even do that, I have no home.”

“Fuck, fuck, I was hoping this wouldn’t happen. I was hoping you could pull through this all. Liv listen to me, I know, I get it, this is all scary, it’s all new but I have faith in you. Look I’ll fly out to you as soon as I can but that’s all I can do. Welcome to adulthood, it’s tough, it’s scary. You have to be alone sometimes, meet intimidating new people. You just have to pull through it all though. I know, I know you miss me, home, familiarity, your mom, but we can’t be there with you, this is something you need to do on your own. Don’t ever regret this decision Liv, don’t you ever regret it. You know what? I fucking saw a spread in Metal Hammer last month, all about you, the upcoming photographer to watch out for. Aren’t you proud of that Liv?”

“I know, I know” Liv cried “It’s just that I’m so alone, its hurts. And the other night Linde invited me and the guys over for dinner, and then she was there, but I told him I wanted him to leave me alone, and seeing him, and I was wrong, I made a mistake, I don’t know what I’m doing.” She rolled up in a ball, tucking her head into her sleeping bag as she continued to weep.

“Liv, slow down, I don’t understand. I’m out of the loop. Who was there? Who’s him? What mistake did you make?”

“Ville! I’m sorry Marcus, I, I didn’t say anything. Up until two months ago there was something, I swear there was, I know, I know I don’t have much relationship experience, but there was something between me and Ville, but then he would hold me one minute than embarrass me the next, denying any feelings. So I had enough, I was drunk, I was stupid, I told him off, I wanted to keep things professional. And ever since things have been horrible. I try avoiding him, but Ville and the guys are like a package deal. I’ve just been so alone. I made an effort at first, with Jarno, but I couldn’t, he said he’d wait for me to sort it all out, but it’s not me, I tried. It’s Jarno, he isn’t Ville, and I miss Ville so much. I see him at every show, I see him on the streets of Hel’s, I see him backstage and at interviews when I take photo’s but, but there’s a coldness there. And I know he’s been casually seeing Sandra, but it still hurt, actually seeing him be affectionate to her. I, am I just a stupid little girl with a crush, Marcus I, I don’t even know anymore.”

“Liv look, I, I’m at a loss here. I don’t know what to tell you. I’ve only been in one relationship and I’m still in it, I don’t have much experience. But don’t let some guy, even if he is some big rock star, make you quit on this. I’m always here for you, call me any time, whenever you need to talk. Please though, please don’t do anything stupid tonight.” Marcus begged.

Liv sniffled on the other line, trying to calm herself before she had a full blown panic attack.

“I’ll try Marcus, I’ve been trying, but I don’t know for how much longer. I, I should go to sleep. I’m sorry, for burdening this all on you” She abruptly hung up, crawling deeper inside her sleeping bag.

***

Liv woke up the next morning feeling stiff and sore. Her eyes stung from crying most of the night. She didn’t want to get up, but she knew she had to, she knew Marcus was right and so Liv wriggled out of the warm confounds of her sleeping bag.

Though HIM wasn’t performing until Saturday, Seppo had urged Liv to go around with the guys as they watched the other performances that day, and to even take shots of the different bands and performers, so Liv quickly changed into a loose fitting black Type O Negative tank top, and a pair of black skinny jeans. She knew she looked like shit but she didn’t bother to put on makeup and quickly tangled her hair up into a high bun.

Squinting, Liv slowly emerged from her tent. It was a dull day, sunny with a thin layer of clouds. Other roadies were already out and about, but she wasn’t in any rush as she lit a cigarette. From across the lot she could see Mige immerging from the tour bus, obviously not quit awake yet, he spotted her and sleepily sauntered over.

He wore a black Kiss tee and leather jacket. “So Seppo says you’re going to follow us around today?”

“Yup” She sounded less than thrilled.

“Well I don’t know what’s up with you, but I am determined to get you out of this funk, and though I may be a sad clown, I am a clown nevertheless. Whatever it is that’s getting you down, stick with me today and I’ll keep you so distracted that you won’t even have time to think, you’ll be too busy trying to take shots of all the crazy shit I’m going to do” He laughed and put an arm around Liv. “Come on kid, let’s get you a coffee and me a beer.”

For most of the day Liv had shadowed Mige as he went around the festival grounds, drinking, watching different performances. He had stayed away from the other guys, doing his own thing. He had been crazier than usual, which had immediately put Liv in a better mood. He had even been kind enough to be her official translator for the day, since a majority of the bands and people there only spoke Finnish, but Liv was learning fast.

The sun eventually began to set on the festival grounds as Liv and Mige headed over to the tour bus to find food. They were walking side by sad, talking about the epicness of Black Sabbaths new album when they heard someone call out Mige’s name.

Liv looked up to see Ville, fast approaching them. He wore a low grey V neck under his black leather jacket, a black beanie atop his head, dark curls peeking out from underneath. He looked tired as hell.

“Haven’t seen hide nor hair of you guys all day” He smiled as he caught up with them. Liv could see him purposefully directing his gaze towards Mige, only giving her a slight head nod of recognition. Her mood began to immediately sour.

“I’ve just been giving Liv here an intimate insiders look into the life of the great Mige Amour!” Mige laughed, looking down at Liv, who tentatively smiled back, she had grown noticeably more introverted since Ville’s appearance. Mige raised a brow.

“Must have been a truly dull day” Ville smiled, still looking at Mige. He began to talk to Mige about the set for Saturday’s performance, turning away from Liv.

Liv stood there idly, waiting for Ville to leave so she could get back to the first decent day she had had in a while. She looked around the lot when from the distance she could saw small group of people, three, walking around the lot. It was two men and a woman. One of the men looked homeless. He was wearing a ragged tee shirt and jeans, both ripped and covered in paint, a tight fitting beanie on his head. A scruffy beard covered his face. He had a tattooed arm around one of the most beautiful women Liv had ever seen. She had dark hair up in a pony, she wore a corset underneath a black sweater, and short black shorts with fishnets underneath them. Next to the couple was a short skinny shirtless man. He wore a fedora and his chest and arms were covered in tattoo’s. Suddenly Liv recognized the two men.

“Holy shit” Liv exclaimed. Mige and Ville turned to see what Liv was staring at in awe.

“Is that?” Mige asked.

“It’s fuckin Bam and Novak” Just as Liv said that Bam noticed Ville and Mige, a huge smile spread across his face and he quickened his pace, walking straight for them, the woman and Novak in tow.

His eyes were fixed on Ville as he came up to them, “Wille Walo!” immediately he grabbed Ville in a bear hug. “I fuckin missed you man” He said. Liv couldn’t help but think that he sounded both happy and sad in that one statement.

Ville stood stunned at first but then smiling he hugged Bam back. “Too long”

“Well isn’t it the fuckin Finnish sex god himself!” exclaimed Novak as he came up behind Bam.

Bam pulled back and embraced a laughing Mige.

Liv stood there awkwardly, suddenly nervous in the unfamiliar company.

“Who’s the chick” Novak asked, eyeing Liv.

Bam stepped back to see who Novak was talking about. Liv began to blush as the three stared at her.

“This is Liv, our photographer” Mige said, pushing Liv forward.

“She’s fuckin hot” Novak smirked.

“Pssht, leave her alone” Bam nudged Novak. “So you are the Liv I’ve heard about. I like your work. Oh and if you didn’t know already, I’m THE Bam Margera, this perv here is Novak, and this” He said, putting his arm around the woman, “is my girl Nikki”

She flashed them a beautiful smile. “So are we getting fucked up tonight or what?”

“Yeah! Hey you guys should come along, we are heading out to this club tonight, it’s called the Giggling Marlin or some shit. Come out, lets catch up.” Bam smiled eagerly at Ville.

“I don’t know, how about we drink a round back at our tour bus instead? Than you guys can go out clubbing” He scratched the back of his head.

“Yeah, not sure if the clubs can handle all of this” Mige said, rubbing his stomach laughing.

“Alright, yeah sure, and hey, maybe you guys will change you’re minds” Bam replied. Liv could tell he was taking whatever he could get. The way he looked at Ville, he really had missed him.

“What about you” Nikki said, turning to Liv.

“Me? Well I don’t really go out much, I usually just hang around with all the roadies…” Would it be so bad if I went out and had a good time? Liv thought. They seem nice enough, and hey, if it will take my mind off of things, why not?

“Tired old men. Come on, I’ll get you dressed up and shit. You’re young, sexy, come out have a good time.” Nikki smiled.

“Well I am tired of hanging out with guys all the time..”

“then it’s settled, the hot chick is coming out tonight!” Exclaimed Novak, winking at Liv.

“Well come on than, let’s get to the bus” Said Mige, slowly walking over to HIM’s bus.

Nikki put her slender arm around Liv. “I think I’m going to take Liv here back to our bus, find her something to wear, slap some make up on her. I have a feeling she doesn’t go out clubbing at all. You go ahead babe, we’ll catch up with you later.” She began to lead Liv back the way they had come.

The nerves began to eat at Liv. She wasn’t sure what she was doing, but she couldn’t help herself, she turned her head to look back at Ville, for some sort of approval, for some sign. He caught her gaze, his eyes hardened. He doesn’t want me to go with them, I can see it in his eyes. Fuck it. She turned back to Nikki, happy that she could just let things go tonight, just drink the night away, do something Ville clearly disapproved of.

***

The man hasn’t changed at all, thought Ville as he sat in the crowded tour bus, catching up with Bam. The rest of the guys had joined them as well the Fuck Face Unstoppable crew. They had spent the past hour talking, the beer flowing freely amongst the group. Ville couldn’t help but anxiously wonder where Liv was though. He was worried. He really didn’t want her to go out tonight with Bam. He knew what Bam and Novak were like. There would be a lot of alcohol, and drugs, and so much more. Ville knew that they were going to head out soon, to the club, it was only a matter of time before Nikki and Liv showed up.

Just as he thought that Nikki stepped on the bus, wearing exactly what had had been wearing earlier. “Well boys” she said over the dull chatter that filled the bus, looking directly at Ville, Linde, Mige, and Burton, “It seems as if I have corrupted your once innocent young thing.” Everyone turned to look as Liv slowly stepped onto the bus, blushing profusely.

Ville’s jaw almost dropped. She had been turned into a mini Nikki. Her long black hair had been curled. Shining, it streamed down her back. She was wearing more makeup than Ville had ever seen before. Eyelashes lustrously curled, dark eye shadow, rouged lips. She had been put into a corset, much like Nikki’s. The corset has pushed up her small breasts and had cinched her waist. Her bare arms were pare in comparison to the dark lace of the corset. She had on a short, tight, black skirt, with fish nets underneath, hear legs looked irresistibly lean. A pair of incredibly high heels topped off her outfit.

Gas was the first to speak. “Dear god what have you done”

Nikki laughed than took a seat on Bam’s lap, deeply kissing him. “I just made a girl a woman is all” She innocently smiled at the group of men who were gawking at Liv who still stood by the door of bus, trying not fall in the heels. Nikki turned to Bam. “Are we going now babe.”

Bam nodded and all the people heading out to the club began to file out of the bus. Linde, Gas, and Burton were also staying behind with Mige and Ville, so they remained seated.

Before Bam headed out the door he turned to Ville smiling. “You sure you don’t want to come?”

Ville got up from his seat at the table. “Yeah I’m sure, but hey, I’ll see you tomorrow alright.” It had been so long since he had last spoken or seen Bam, but they had just immediately gone back to the way they were back in the day, and Ville was glad. He walked Bam out of the bus, into the night, wishing him a good time out.

The group of people heading to the Club began to walk across the lot, the headlights of various cars illuminating their path, cabs were on the way. Ville spotted Liv slowly trying to catch up to the group in her heels. I have no right, but I need to say something, Ville thought as he ran up to her.

He stopped her, grabbing her arm. She looked so different, yet just as beautiful. She looked up at him, chin in the air, he knew she didn’t want to hear whatever he had to say, but he was going to say it nonetheless.

“Please don’t go with them, you don’t know how they can be like.” He urged, hand still holding on to her arm.

“I am an adult and I can do what I want, honestly Ville, I don’t see why you are so concerned. Now let me go.” She tugged free of his arm and made her way back to the group.

Ville sighed. He had a bad feeling about this, but she was right, he had no say in what she did. What was he to her anyways. Nothing. He didn’t want to be nothing…