Heartaches Knocking on Her Door

[Recommendation: Listen to Disarm Me once through from here on]

Her mind slowly began to awaken. She didn’t want to wake up. Last night, it had been blissful. No horrible dreams, no waking up terrified, covered in sweat. Liv hadn’t slept that well since before her mother’s passing.

She could feel the mornings sun dancing on her eyelids, urging them to open, she closed them tighter. Her fingers came to life, searching for the blanket to pull over her eyes, her fingers however only felt heat, the beating of a heart, the rise and fall of a chest. She sighed. Ville. She could feel him next to her. Her knees were pressed up against his leg, hands on his chest, she could feel his breath tingling over her neck. Still fighting the urge to wake up she smiled.

She felt him move next to her, his hand rising and gently stroking the top of her hair. “Morning” Came his deep sultry voice, waking up every cell in her body.

She hesitantly raised an eyelid. Ville had his elbow on the pillow, head resting on his hand. He smiled down at her, his free hand running through her hair. The mornings sun illuminating his features, bright green eyes, crooked smile, hair in utter disarray.

“hyvää huomenta” (good morning) Liv whispered, having actually learned from her Finnish English dictionary. She shut her eyes and nestled closer to him, pressing her cheek up against the hardness of his pecs.

His chest rumbled to life as he chuckled at her Finnish. “You darling, you are so beautiful it hurts.”

Eyes still closed Liv raised a brow. “Oh of course, bed head, old makeup, probably eye crusties, what more could a guy want” She sarcastically replied.

“No. Innocence, vulnerability. The tender movement of your breathing, the sun greeting your lovely features, the unconscious movement of your fingers against me. A seraph sleeping upon a cloud of euphoria.” He whispered, lowering his forehead, resting it against Liv’s.

She smiled, grabbing hold of his shirt and pulling herself more erect, eyes flashing open, nose touching his. “Forever the poet.” She brought her lips to his, soft and supple.

Her lips lingering on his she felt him smile against her. “Not to forget my dear, forever the villain.” Suddenly he pulled away from her, swinging his legs over the bed and standing up, looming over her, a mischievous grin on his face. Liv held the blanket tighter around her, shaking her head at him. He bent down, sliding his hands under her and scooped her up, blanket and all.

“What on earth are you doing?” She demanded, unable to stop chuckling. “You’re going to break your arms off” She wrapped her arms around his neck.

“Oh shush” He said as he carried her out the room and down a small hall, past his studio, and up a flight of stairs. Arriving at the top he nudged a door with his foot, swinging it open.

Cold air rushed over Liv as Ville stepped out onto the top of his tower. Liv’s heart swelled. The view was beautiful. Brilliantly green treetops poked their heads out from a swirling fog. A few clouds littered the sky, but the sun shone bright and free of obstruction, the rains of the day before but a memory. Chirping birds streaked across the sky, their songs mixing with the soft sound of rustling leaves.

Ville gently set Liv down. She wrapped the blanket around her, leaning her head against Ville’s shoulder, enjoying the view.

He took a seat in a worn looking off white patio chair, motioning for Liv to take a seat in his lap. She crawled into his arms, wrapping the blanket around them both.

“Darling, if we weren’t keeping this a secret, I’d have you sleeping in my arms every night. I haven’t slept that well in ages.” Ville said, holding Liv’s gaze.

Liv smiled, suddenly becoming emotional. She felt the same way. She’d felt comfortable, safe, at home. “I, I haven’t either. Thank you.” She didn’t know what else to say.

Ville gently brought his lips to hers. The two sat out, enjoying the mornings silence for a while, enjoying the heat of each other’s body’s.

“Liv dear, I have a few meetings today. I’d love to cancel, to spend the whole day holding you, whispering sweet nothings in your ear, but I cannot.” Ville said, breaking the calmness. He stroked Liv’s cheek.
Liv had some editing to do for the pictures from the show in Oulu, emails to reply to, people to call, she knew where he was coming from. “I understand.” She hopped up off his lap, helping him out of the seat.

She followed as he led the way back downstairs into his bed room. She left his side as he took a seat on the edge of his bed to go check on her clothes. Still soaked, she thought as she felt them. She looked down at herself, I can’t leave wearing just a shirt, shit. Grumbling at her stupidness for running out in the rain the night before, Liv leaned against the door frame of the washroom. Having changed into a pair of jeans Ville knelt on the ground, shirtless, looking through the contents of the bottom drawer of one of his dressers. He found what he had been looking for and stood up, noticing Liv. She blushed.

“Oh so you are so ready to have sex with me my dear yet you blush at the sight of my bare chest” He teased, walking towards Liv.

“No, not at all. I was, I’m flushed because, cause well…”

He laughed as he stood before her. “I’m sure. Now I assume your clothes are still wet?”

“Yeah, but I could rock this back to the hotel” Liv said, looking down at the shirt, at Ville’s face on it.

Ville laughed, grabbing her by the hips and pulling her towards him. “No need to rush out. I’ll toss your things in the dryer and we can have some coffee while we wait.” He lowered his face to hers, bringing his lips closer, smirking, than he let go of her suddenly, just as her lips quivered, walking into the washroom laughing.

“Tease!” Liv called after him.

He walked past her, out of the washroom, holding her wet things. “What else did you expect” He called over her shoulder.

Liv followed him downstairs and took a seat on a stool at the small kitchen bar as Ville went behind the stairs to where she assumed he kept his washer and dryer.

“You know, I haven’t used this thing in ages.” He called.

Liv chuckled, she didn’t doubt it.

Ville came back to the kitchen, the low rumble of the dryer sounding off behind him. His back to Liv, he changed the coffee filter and turned the machine on. He slowly turned around, a smirk on his face. “You know I just realized, once touring picks up again, we’re going to have to be quite sneaky.”

Liv leant across the counter, staring into Ville’s eyes, “I look forward to it”

“Oh the things you do to me darling” Ville growled as he imitated Liv’s stance, leaning across the counter, his face inches from hers.

“Ha! The things you do to me, you clearly have underestimated your powers of seduction Mr. Valo” Liv said, leaning in more.

“Lean any closer and you’ll fall off the chair darling” Ville laughed as he got off the counter and checked on the coffee. Liv rolled her eyes as he poured himself and Liv a cup.

“Ville, if you weren’t some world famous rock star, sex god, lyricist, etc. what would you have done?” Liv asked curiously , accepting the warm cup, wrapping her fingers around the mug.

“I’d likely be working in my dad’s sex shop, selling porno’s to sticky fingered men and vibrators to lonely woman. Would you still be with me if that were my job?” He asked with a raised brow, taking a sip of his black coffee.

Of course, Liv thought, but second guessed herself. “I don’t know how we would have met. Maybe if my mother had lived and decided to take me on a trip to Helsinki, but I doubt I would have gone into the sex shop though.” She blushed, hiding her face behind her mug as she brought it to her lips.

“So prudish. What about the girl who kissed someone of the same sex” Ville teased, bringing back up the game of ‘I have never.’

Liv almost choked on her coffee. “I am not a prude. I’m just, I’m, I’m inexperienced is all. And I probably never would have admitted that kiss if it weren’t for all the alcohol I drank that night. Anyways, that kiss was the result of a night of binge drinking and a curious mind. If you think you’ve seen me drunk, you haven’t seen the half of it.” Liv shrugged.

“Then I look forward to” He grinned.

He shouldn’t be, Liv thought. I’m not exactly a nice person or a walk in the park when I get that drunk.

A shrill ring suddenly echoed from the living room. Ville sighed annoyed, he left the kitchen, coming back with his ringing phone, answering it.

“Hello? No I didn’t forget. But you said twelve. Oh. Well what time is it than. Fuck. Alright. Yeah no its fine I’ll be ready by the time you’re here. Yes alright. Näkemiin (goodbye)” He hung up, looking frustrated. He turned his heavy eyes on the on looking Liv as he leaned against the fridge.

“What?” Liv asked nervously.

“Nothing nothing, just, Seppo called to tell me that a twelve o clock meeting has been bumped up to ten, which is in an hour. He’s picking me up at nine thirty.”

“Say no more” Liv said putting her hand up. She got up and rinsed her cup out in the sink, leaving it on the drying rack. “Hopefully my things are dry.” Liv was about to leave the kitchen in search of the dryer when Ville caught hold of her, spinning her retreat so that she faced him. He placed a hand under her chin, bringing it up in a kiss.

“I am so completely glad that that night, in Oulu, I stopped resisting my feelings. That I stopped doubts from holding me back, back from you. And you my dear, you knew it all along. I’ll be forever grateful for this bloody asthma.” He whispered as he longingly stared into her eyes, his arms wrapped around her.

“I’ll forever be grateful for that overdose, as wrong as that sounds. Ville you, you’ve drastically changed my life, you’ve changed everything and I, for you, I’ll forever be grateful for you. Oh jeez, sorry, listen to me, we only had our first date yesterday.” Liv tried to laugh off her now watery eyes. It was all so true. Without Ville she would have been stuck in in Brooklyn, dreaming about the life she use to have in LA before her mother’s death. But now, now she had a job, she was traveling the world, she had someone who cared about her.

“Don’t ever apologize for speaking your mind. Love works fast anyways” He shrugged.

Liv smiled up at him and he released her to go get her dried clothing. Love works fast? Liv thought. Does he love me? Already? Do I love him? Fuck Liv, she thought, you don’t even know what love is.

She found the small room behind the stairs, the washer and dryer were practically hidden by all the boxes that littered the room, many of them labeled ‘lyrics.’ Liv was tempted to take a peak in one of the boxes but decided against it. She pulled out her now dry clothes from the dryer and quickly put them on, feeling awkward wearing some of her nicer clothing with no occasion. She returned to the kitchen where Ville had taken her seat at the counter, he was fiddling with the drawstring of the pajama bottoms he still wore. He looked up as Liv entered the kitchen.

“I called a cab for you, it should arrive shortly” He said eyeing Liv’s change of clothes.

“Thank you. Where should I put this” She asked holding up the shirt Ville had given her to sleep in.

A crooked smile crossed his face. “Keep it for the nights we can’t sneak out to be with each other.”

Liv chuckled. “Very well, but what about you? What will keep you company for the nights I’m not there?” Liv asked as she walked up to his seated figure.

“Well, if you gave me that one photograph of yourself, you know the one”

Liv playfully nudged him. “Not going to happen, sorry. You’ll just have to make due with the memory of it.” She turned and walked to the front door to grab her purse and jacket where they hung on his unused coat rack. She was shrugging on her leather jacket when she felt Ville come up behind her, winding his arms around her waist. She turned in his arms. “Unwilling to let me go?”

“Yes, very much so.” He smiled.

Liv stretched on her toes and gave him quick peck, before wriggling out of his arms. He looked at Liv confused. “I have to leave you wanting more don’t I?” She smirked before ducking out the door.

The morning mist had disappeared as the sun had risen. It was a beautiful day outside, though with a cool breeze. Liv zipped up her jacket and walked down Ville’s walkway to the street. She was looking around for the cab when a sudden flash blinded her. Blinking Liv looked up to see a middle aged, bearded photographer taking shots of her, yelling things at her in Finnish. Fuck, Liv thought as it finally clicked what was happening. Ugh, is this for real? A paparazzi? Butterflies began to fly rampant, she panicked and rushed back to Ville’s door, hurriedly knocking.

He opened the door smirking, “couldn’t get enough…”

Liv cut him off, stepping into the house and shutting the door behind her.

“What, what happened?” Ville asked confused.

“Um, well, you’re not going to like this but there was a photographer outside, he caught me leaving” Liv began to chew on her bottom lip nervously as she looked up at Ville, leaning against the door.

“Fuck!” He angrily hit the side of the wall making Liv jump. “Sorry” He said concerned as he turned to Liv, all anger gone. “Sorry”

“It’s fine, just, what are we going to do?”

Ville sighed in frustration, running his hand through his hair. “Well there isn’t much we can do. Just, just go out and catch your cab, and if the pictures go up than”

“Then we can say that I came over to approve some photographs with you?”

“Yes, alright.” He grumbled angrily, cursing in Finnish under his breath. He caught sight of Liv’s expression. “Sorry, it’s just that I highly value my privacy, and this, us, I’m not”

“I’m not ready either.” Liv sighed. “Trust me, I don’t want anyone to know as much as you do.” She placed a hand on his cheek, soothing out the anger from his face with her thumb. “I’ll go” She slipped out the door again, holding her chin up as she walked past the photographer and to the cab that awaited at the curb.

***

She couldn’t sleep. She’d tried everything, taking some cold medication, reading, staying perfectly still, however, laying in the dark, she flipped and turned in her hotel room bed. Ugh, grumbling angrily Liv violently pulled her blanket off of her and turned on her bedside lamp. What is wrong with me? She thought, I mean, I usually don’t sleep too well but tonight, I can’t freakin sleep at all.

She reached down and picked up her small black laptop from the floor. After leaving Ville’s tower that morning she had spent most of the day editing photo’s, calling a few people from different magazines, and working on her website. Not to forget worrying constantly about the pictures that the photographer had gotten of her. If those pictures get out and speculations are made than I will definitely receive an angry call from Marcus demanding an explanation.

Liv chewed on her lower lip nervously as she flipped open her laptop, waiting for it to start up. I wonder… is it cause I’m not in Ville’s arms, is that why I can’t sleep? Liv rolled her eyes at herself, that can’t be it, can it?

Liv opened up the internet, thankful that her hotel had internet access, and that it was actually up and running tonight. She decided to check her emails, figuring because of the time difference, some people from the States might have emailed her. As the window to her email account opened up, Liv looked at the screen surprised. Her grandfather in Brooklyn had emailed her. She hadn’t heard from him since he had called last month telling her about a possible buyer for her family home. Shrugging, Liv opened the email, slightly amazed that he even knew how to use the internet.

“Hello Liv. I just thought I would Email you and see how you were doing. I feel a responsibility to make sure you are alright. I hope you are well. I am fine, just bought a new glucose meter. I hope it works better than my old one. The house has been sold, so expect the money in your account in a few days. Don’t go and spend it all in one place. I met your friend today. He came by and dropped off some of your belongings from your apartment in Los Angeles. He is an interesting young man, wears a tad too much black for my liking. I have put your things in the room I had prepared for you. I hope before the year is out the room gets some use from you. I’d really like to see you soon dear. I understand touring with a band must be a lot of work but if you get a chance please come visit. There is one more thing. Your father contacted me the other day asking about you. I haven’t heard from him in years. I know you must be mad at him but he asked for your contact information. I couldn’t deny him that, you understand? He is my son. It is your decision however if you choose to answer any attempts he might make to contact you. I hope you aren’t too angry with me. Please write back soon.”

Liv stared, her mouth agape. I, I can’t be mad, not at him, but but Richard, my dad, why the fuck after six years would he try to contact me now. He didn’t even fucking come to moms funeral! She yelled internally, her anger rising. She angrily shut her laptop, shoving it to the end of her bed. Her chest began to heave, her breathing quicken, and she fumed with anger. She had to calm herself, she’d gotten a panic attack out of anger before.

She pulled her knee’s up, ducking her head between them. If he calls, or emails, I, I don’t know what I’ll do, Liv thought as she held her eyes tightly shut. I, I can’t. Not after he fucking abandoned us! She needed to vent, to talk to someone, release the pressure, but it wasn’t in Liv’s nature to do so. Bottling up was all she knew, and things were going to stay that way.

Finally gaining a handle on her breathing and anger Liv got out of bed. She dropped to her knee’s, in the dim light of the small bedside lamp, in front of her suitcase and began rummaging around. It was her last resort. She’d told herself to lay off of them, especially after that one night, but she needed to wake up early for a phone meeting, there was no other choice.

Finally her hand grabbed hold of the bottle of sleeping pills. Liv uncapped it and quickly dry swallowed two. She tossed the bottle back in her suitcase and crawled back into bed. Before she turned out the light she smiled down at her new pajama top, Ville’s face. Sighing she turned out the light, hoping that the unexpected news about her father’s return wouldn’t disrupt the magic of her sleeping pills.

***

She rubbed the sleep from her eyes in frustration, Liv had barely slept the night before and was just able to sound conscious while doing her interview over the phone in the morning. It was just past 5 am and Liv hadn’t eaten all day, she’d been too consumed with work and unpleasant thoughts, thoughts about her dad, so Liv had decided to finally leave her hotel room and search for some place to eat while she took candid’s of the city which she had grown to love.

She pulled on a red plaid jacket over a loose Jack Daniels tank, also wearing light acid wash skinny’s and her spiked combo boots. Liv stuffed her camera in her purse yawning and locked up her room, heading down the hall through the lobby and out the door of her hotel.

Since she would stay at the same hotel in Helsinki every time the band took a break from touring, she knew the neighborhood quite well. So Liv decided to wonder around, explore, instead of eating at the same restaurants. I miss home cooked meals, she thought as she took out her iPod. She chose a random direction and began tiredly trudging that way.

Half an hour later Liv was completely lost. She’d ended up crossing a bridge and wondering down a few less busy streets. The sun still shone bright over head as she looked around, wondering where she had ended up. She began to slow her pace as she took in the quant cobblestone street, small shops and apartment buildings lined it. She noticed a small café and finally decided to grab a bite to eat, she was hungrier than she thought. She often forgot to eat, becoming too preoccupied.

It seemed small from the outside with a set of tables outside but inside it was very homey. Low seats at low tables with lamps at the center. The place was relatively full with chattering people, but a few empty seats still remained. She ordered the only thing she could make out on the menu, a bagel and coffee , taking her order and sitting outside. She sat out, people watching, eating, smoking, thinking.

Throughout the day she had been constantly checking her phone for a possible email from her father, but she hadn’t gotten any. She had come to the conclusion during her sleepless night that if he did contact her she would give him a piece of her mind, tell him off, let out all the hurt and anger which had caused her to emotionally shut down during high school.

Liv finished the last sip of her coffee and angrily put out her cigarette. Just the thought of her father had riled her up. She threw out her trash and continued down the street, switching from angry thoughts of her father to thoughts of Ville and the perfect night/morning she had had with him the day before.

Liv hadn’t gotten far from the café when she noticed a sex shop. She stopped. A huge red sign above the shop read ‘Aikuisten Lelukauppa’ in bright yellow script. Liv felt awkward stopping in front of a sex shop, people passing gave her strange looks, but her conversation with Ville that morning had bugged her. I am not a prude, she thought defiantly, I’ll prove it to him. Despite the nervousness that began eating at her Liv pulled open the door of the shop and ducked in.

The inside was quite large with many isles and tables full of various things. She was slightly taken aback as she took in all the sex toys, costumes, dildo’s, vibrators, edible underwear, magazines, DVD’s. There was a main desk to the left of the shop and a back room at the far end. She stood just in front of the door chewing her lip, she felt uncomfortable, incredibly so, but her will to prove Ville wrong was much stronger so she willed herself to move. Trying not to make eye contact with anyone in the shop , Liv began to peruse the isles for something to buy, proof to show Ville that she had actually been inside a sex shop.

Every darn item was intimidating, she didn’t even know what half the things were used for. She decided that her safest bet would be a porno. She slinked her way over to the huge back wall full of different porno’s, categorized by fetish and type. However before she made it to the back wall she stopped as she noticed a familiar symbol on a bunch of multicolored, fur lined, handcuffs. They had heartagrams on them. She picked up a pair, confused. HIM handcuffs?

“Oletko fani HIM?” (are you a fan of HIM) came a deep voice for from behind her.

Liv turned in surprise. Behind her stood a smiling older looking man, lean and tall, with white hair, in a faded orange and brown plaid shirt. “I uh, I don’t know Finnish, sorry” She said as she meekly smiled back at him.

“Ah good thing I know English then.” He said in a thick accent, laughing. “I asked if you were a HIM fan. We also carry whips with the heartagram on it.” He pointed to a bunch of heartagram whips on a lower shelf.

“Oh. Um, you could say that I guess. Do uh, do all the sex shops in Helsinki have HIM um whips and handcuffs?” She asked curiously.

“No, this is the only one” He smiled proudly. “My son, he is the lead singer you see and so we have a deal, you can only get these here”

Liv’s eyes widened. I guess this must be Ville’s father. She smiled. Just my luck that in all the sex shops in Helsinki I’d end up in his fathers. “Oh I see” She almost began chuckling to herself. Would it be stupid if I bought HIM sex gear? Yeah, she thought. “I don’t think I’ll get the whips or handcuff’s but could you possibly help me find a porno?”

“Oh yes of course. I’m Kari by the way. Follow me.” He began leading the way to the back wall lined with DVD’s. “What type were you looking for?”

“Umm one that’s maybe uh a parody of a horror movie? With horrible acting?” She said smiling, but biting her lip as she noticed some of the porno titles.

“Ah, I know of just the one” He smiled.

Liv laughed as he pulled it off the shelf for her. It’s perfect, she thought. Kari led her to the cash register and ringed her up smiling.

“I am surprised. HIM fans often want photograph’s with me, being Ville’s father and all. I don’t see why, I’m not the famous one.” He shrugged as he bagged the porno for Liv.

Liv laughed. “oh yeah no, no photograph for me, though, actually I was wondering if you could do me a favor, could you sign the film for me?” Ville will get a kick out of this.

“Yes, sure.” Kari smiled and quickly signed the cover, handing it back to Liv.

“Thank you very much, it was nice meeting you.” Liv sincerely said smiling. He’s so nice and polite. Ville’s lucky to have a father like that.

As Liv left the sex shop her mind began to wander to her own father. Again. She started to walk down the street absentmindedly as she chewed her lower lip wondering if it was compulsive if she checked her phone again for an email from her father. She didn’t want to talk to him, but the curiosity of hearing what he had to say for himself after all this time was too great. She had just crossed an intersection when she finally decided to check her email once again. There was a new one. From her father. Richard Manning.

She stopped in her tracks. Heart thumping a mile a minute. Her palms began to sweat and she began to shake slightly. Moving out of the way Liv leaned against the side of an apartment building, staring down at her phone. She opened the email.

“Liv, I know you probably don’t want to hear from me, but just read the rest of this email, okay? I’m sorry I left. It was for the best though. Also sorry I didn’t go to your mom’s funeral, I wouldn’t have been necessarily welcome there. I’m sorry you’re alone, but I’m here now. Your grandpa told me about your new career, pretty sure I even saw you in a magazine the other day. Congratulations, I’m really happy for you. You’re living the dream kid, what I wouldn’t give to be touring with rock stars. Anyways I wanted to also let you know I’m clean, have been for a few months now so I hope you’ll email me back. Love dad.”

Liv hadn’t realized but she had begun to cry, with anger, with pent up emotion. How dare he, she thought, ‘it was for the best’ what does that even fuckin mean? Why would it ever be for the best, he was my fuckin dad, I needed him, mom needed him, and he just up and fuckin left without a word. And he fuckin knew about her death and he still didn’t come or call me or or…. Clean? I’ll fuckin believe it when I see it.

She began sweating, heart rate racing, fingers trembling and beginning to numb. She felt sick, dizzy. Fuck, she thought angrily, panic attack. Trying to even her breathing and wiping away her tears Liv kept walking up the street, confused, angry, hurt, the effects showing on her body. The outside world began to fill with numbness. She stopped seeing people, the lines began to blur.

“Liv!” Came a voice suddenly beside Liv.

She turned, trying to clear her head. It was Tyler. He had come rushing out of a blue, what looked to be shop, catching up with her. He wore pretty much what he had been wearing the first time she’d seen him except he wore a pair of cargo shorts and a Kiss tee shirt. He was smiling, straight brown hair swaying around his face, but as he took in Liv’s visibly shaken state his features altered in concern.

“Whoa, are you alright? What happened? You look like you’ve been crying. Is there anything I can do?”

“I, I’m fine, just read some overwhelming stuff. Sorry.” She wiped away the remains of her tears and tried smiling at Tyler, who’s sudden appearance had grounded her a bit, easing the effects of her oncoming panic attack.

“Hey, look there’s nothing to apologize for. Are you sure you’re alright?” He placed a hand on her arm, trying to provide some comfort.

“Yeah, I will be.” She shrugged.

“You look like you need a drink. If you don’t have any plans come in, have a beer with me, you did take a rain check, and it’s on me” He smiled.

Liv chewed her lip. I’m not doing anything, and a few drinks would really help right now. “Oh what the hell, yeah sure.” She smiled

“Great.” Tyler said as he led Liv back to where he had come out of, which was apparently a bar. The outside was blue with dancing bears on it.

Liv gave the place a skeptical look.

“It does look kinda strange, but I promise its good, cheap good beer.” He held the door open for her.

“Do you always drink in the middle of the day” Liv smiled, raising a brow at Tyler as she stepped into the bar.

“Of course” He laughed. “anyways it’s not the middle of the day, its past six already”

Liv took in the inside of the bar. It was small but nicely decorated in dark shades. The patrons were mostly men, laughing in groups, talking intimately one on one, flirting with one another. She turned to Tyler, “Is this a gay bar?”

“You found me out! Just kidding, yeah it is, my friends the bartender” He pointed to a young muscular man with short cropped blond hair who was smiling, mixing a drink as he listened to a customer. “It’s a great place, come on, let’s get you trashed, forget about whatever was upsetting you before.”

***

“Hm?”

“I said you’re acting different” Laughed Mige as he closed his menu, having decided to buy a bacon cheese burger.

“Oh” Ville had been out of it the whole day, having barely slept the night before. Though he was busy most of the day, his tired mind couldn’t get Liv out of his head. That night spent with her and the morning following, he hadn’t wanted her to leave. “How so?” He asked absentmindedly as his eyes wondered over his menu. We can do this, he thought, me and her, fuck the age difference and the absurd taboo that goes along with it.

“Well for starters you seem very distracted. The big kicker however is that you actually called me back, and what’s this? You left the confounds of your tower too. I mean shit, usually no one hears from you and you never leave that crypt of yours.” Mige shrugged. He had called Ville at seven, leaving a message asking if Ville wanted to go out and grab a bite with him, and surprisingly Ville had called back right away. He’d picked Ville up from his tower and had taken him to a small restaurant, one of his favorites. He wore a leather jacket over a Cathedral tee shirt and blue jeans with biker boots.

“Well Rapunzel can’t stay locked up all the time.” Ville chuckled. He wore a dark gray long sleeved shirt, black scarf, black jeans, and a dark green beanie which hid his hair.

“and this! You are actually in a half decent mood. Stop it, you’ll ruin your image of doom and gloom.” Mige joked. “But hey, if you want to do what you usually do and keep things to yourself than fine, but keep the smiling and happiness to a minimum” He smirked.

Ville laughed rolling his eyes.

The waitress came and took their orders, Ville ordered a salad, much to Mige’s mock dismay.

“So,” Mige said, taking a sip of his water. “I was with Mikko earlier today at his home when Toni comes in confused. She was on the net talking with a friend who said they had seen your picture on a tabloid magazines website.”

Ville’s eyes widened, he tried to look casual however, as if he hadn’t been phased, looking down at his napkin. “Oh really? They must truly have run out of stories if I’m on there.”

“The stories on those sites are always garbage. But anyways, it was the strangest thing, the story was about you and Liv, LIV! Being a couple. Me and Mikko had a good laugh.” Mige began chuckling at the memory, though he intently watched Ville’s face for any change in countenance at his story. “So we had to go see the story for ourselves and there were pictures of Liv leaving your place in the morning. You should see the photos, she looks surprised as hell, really caught off guard, poor girl isn’t use to be caught by the fuckin paparazzi. It was just the most ridiculous thing. I mean, of course you’re a love sick bastard but a young thing like Liv, she’s like our younger sister.”

Ville choked on his water, trying to mask it by laughing. “The things they come up with these days.” He didn’t know what else to say. He had been caught completely off guard. The way Mige had spoken the story, it was as if, as if he knew something. But he can’t possibly, thought Ville. So I guess I know how he would react if me and Liv ever decided to tell anyone….

“So it isn’t true right, not that I would judge you, much” Mige chuckled, accepting his plate from the waitress which had showed up with their orders.

Ville eagerly grabbed his salad. Something to occupy his now worried self. “Of course not. She just came by to approve some photo’s with me, was frightened to no end by the photographer.” He shrugged, hoping Mige would drop the subject.

“I’d just hate to see her hurt” Mige said casually before taking a bite of his burger, watching Ville’s reaction.

Ville looked up from his salad, fixing his eyes on Mige, “Are you implying something?”

“Not at all. I just figure that if you and Liv were to ever, in some strange world, end up together, than she would end up getting hurt, and me being her big brother, I’d have to kick your ass”

Ville’s mood began to significantly sour. “Well it’s a good thing we aren’t together than. An old man like me would hate to shatter the heart of such a young naïve child, who couldn’t possibly have the reverse effect on me.” He sarcastically remarked, narrowing his eyes. Me? Break her heart? Liv already has me wrapped around her finger without even trying, if it were anyone, it would be her to hurt me, and she probably wouldn’t even know.

“I wonder what ever happened with her and that pup, Jarno” Mige mused.

“Paananen, are we going to talk about Liv all night? Grown men gossiping about a, a young girl, I’m sure there are better subjects to cover.”

“Fine than” Mige said, eyeing Ville skeptically, smirking all the while.

Ville sighed with relief. He felt as though Mige didn’t quite believe him, as if he were pressing the subject to get a reaction from him, and he had succeeded. Would it be so horrible if I just told him, despite his false threat, confided in him how much I care about her, how it scares me, especially since our relationship is still so young. How he is right, so very right, I, I have the power to hurt her, and, I, I’m afraid of hurting her, wounding her fragile heart, of exposing her into a world she knows nothing about.

The subject of Liv ended and the two continued their dinner, though a slight edge hung in the air amongst them.

It was half past eight when the two finished their meals, stepping out into the slightly warm night. Mige had parked up the street, so in silence they walked along towards his car. As Ville walked beside Mige, hands tucked in his jean pockets, he wandered what Liv was doing, whether she had seen the pictures, whether she hadn’t been able to sleep as well.

Suddenly Mige gave Ville a nudge. “Is that, over there” He pointed to two figures up the street “Is that Liv?”

Ville narrowed his eyes, trying to see in the dark, trying to make out the figures as they stumbled down the street, in and out of streetlights, towards them. One of the people had their arm wrapped around the other, it was a girl. An unmistakable chuckled escaped her lips. Liv.

“It, it is” Ville mumbled. Who’s she with? Why does she have her arm around him?

“Liv!” Mige called out, waving a hand.

She raised a hand in greeting, almost falling over in the process as the guy she was with tried to support her weight. Ville’s breath caught, he had been about to leave Mige’s side to rush and catch her, but her companion had steadied her. I, I have to remember my place, he thought, I’m on the edge with Mige as it is, despite how much I’d love to run to her, make sure she’s alright, demand to know who that guy is, I need to remain indifferent, at least for now.

Liv broke free from the guy she was with, who upon coming closer looked familiar to Ville. I must have seen him somewhere, Vile thought as he watched Liv unsteadily bound towards Mige, locking him into a huge bear hug, quite visibly drunk, her eyes glazed over and large smile plastered on her face.

Her red plaid jacket was bunched around her elbows, having fallen over her slender shoulders, she stood on her tip toes laying her head on Mige’s stomach.

Mige laughed as Liv continued to hug him. “Hey now, it’s unlike I’m expecting or anything”

“It’s just that, I haven’t seen you in what four days. Ah you’re so huggable” She slurred.

Mige chuckled, allowing Liv to keep hugging him.

Ville stood to the side. He had already been put in a bad mood by his discussion with Mige, and now seeing Liv so drunk with some strange young man, it annoyed him. The young man finally caught up, he stood awkwardly as Liv continued to embrace a laughing Mige who was highly amused at her drunkenness.

“Who’s your friend Liv?” Ville asked coolly, scratching the back of his neck.

Liv looked up from Mige’s belly. Ville knew, he knew she hadn’t been purposefully avoiding him, just in her drunken mind she was over playing indifference. Her eyes quickly passed over him, a slight smile breaking through. She let go of Mige, stepping back to put a hand on her companion.

“This lads is Tyler Fielding, my new friend. He works for, fuck, what’s the magazine called” She turned to look up at him.

“Fuck if I know” He shrugged.

“Anyways, yeah. Tyler, this is THE Mige amour, AKA Machiavellian clown, and this is Ville Valo, AKA Byronic hero.” She beamed at everyone, pulling her jacket back over her shoulders.

Tyler extended his hand towards Mige, who shook it smiling, still amused at the whole situation. Ville caught him taking a peek at him, Ville rolled his eyes in response. Tyler than turned to Ville who took his hand, it little more roughly than he had intended. Tyler drew back, standing next to a swaying Liv.

“So what have you two been up to?” Mige asked curiously sticking his hands in his jacket pockets.

Ville watched as Tyler and Liv both instantly turned to face each other, smiling, and simultaneously they turned to Mige, replying in unison, “Drowning our sorrows in beer!” They both burst out into laughter, at which point Liv lost her balance. The slight heel in her boot caught on a crack in the pavement and she stumbled to the ground, landing on her ass. Everyone had jumped, to help her up, but she sat laughing, waving them away.

“It’s more comfortable here, I should have done this sooner!” Liv chuckled. She began digging around her bag and pulled out an unopened beer bottle.

“Excuse her, we’ve just spent the past, what, two hours in a bar up the street” Tyler said smiling.

Ville was not having any of this, Liv was acting, she was acting like a teenager. He wanted to say something. He wanted her to get up, to stop drinking even more, to take her back to his place.

“Good brand” Mige said, crouching down to see what Liv was drinking, she tilted the bottle towards him, offering him some, but he turned her down, standing back up. “Dammit Liv, I have never seen you this fuckin drunk, it’s great. Honestly you should do this more often. You know, this is the perfect opportunity for you to share any hidden talents, secret hopes and dreams, you know, things you’d only dare show or say when pissed drunk, as you are now.”

Don’t fuckin encourage her, Ville thought. He was growing increasingly frustrated at the situation. People were passing them on the street staring. He was embarrassed.

“Hmm, let me think.” She dramatically stroked an invisible beard, deep in thought.

“Sing!” Exclaimed Tyler suddenly. “You do have a microphone” He pointed at the beer bottle between her lips.

“oh do!” Mige laughed, clasping his hands together. “You know, I wanna see if your chops are better than this Ozzy wannabe over here” He stuck a thumb towards Ville who began to clink his rings together in anger, pursing his lips. He was visibly angry at this point, but all eyes were on the drunken Liv who began to clear her throat in preparation.

Ville had had enough. Before Liv could utter one note he spoke up. “Stop.” He hissed. “Your acting childish and immature, just stop it Liv.” He grumbled harshly, eyes narrowing in anger as he looked down at Liv.

Everyone turned to him in surprise. Tyler looked uncomfortable, assuming the guilt of the responsible party for Liv’s behavior. Mige looked irritated at Ville’s outburst. Liv’s smiled had disappeared instantly, her face becoming sombre.

“Ville, what else do you expect from a 21 year old?” Mige asked Ville, having seen Liv’s hurt expression and becoming defensive.

Ville was stumped. From a 21 year old, this, this was not unnormal. They are supposed to go out, have fun, drink, get fucked up, Ville thought, after all, I was the same way at that age. But, that girl, no woman, that beautiful woman sitting down there, she isn’t just some 21 year old, she’s Liv, I expected different from Liv. Unable to voice his inner thought due to their revealing nature Ville shrugged in response to Mige’s question..

An awkward silence passed over the group who stood around the still sitting Liv, standing in the light of a street light as passerby’s gave them odd looks as they made their way home for the day.

Liv broke the silence. “Um guys, I, I uh, don’t feel too well.” She looked up, her face having grown pale.

“I did warn you” Tyler said, looking down at Liv apologetically.

“I’ll drive you home” Said Mige. Without waiting for Liv’s response he placed his hands under her arms and lifted her up, her bottle falling over at her feet, empty, holding her steady as she began to turn from white to green.

Liv turned to Tyler. “Are you alright getting home?” She asked holding onto Mige back.

“Yeah. I live only a few blocks from here.” He shrugged, smiling at Liv looking into her eyes.

He doesn’t want to leave her. Ville concluded. Am I just being a jealous fool? The way though, the way he looks at her. He shook the thought from his head.

Liv hesitantly let go of Mige and took a few uneasy steps towards Tyler, gingerly wrapping her arms around him, hugging him goodbye. “Bye. Thanks for, for taking my mind off of things. I owe you one”

What ‘things’? Was she upset about something earlier? Why didn’t she call me, come to me. I would have been there for her.

Tyler hugged her back. “I’ll take you up on that one day” He smiled, letting go of Liv. He gave Ville and Mige an inclination of his head before leaving, walking off the way him and Liv had been headed, down the street, passing in an out of the harsh streetlamps.

“Alright, let’s get you to my car. And please try not to throw up on me or in the car, my clothes have seen enough vomit for more than one lifetime.” Mige smiled comfortingly wrapping Liv’s arm around his neck, and putting his arm around her back, holding her by the side.

With Ville still silent, Mige intent on helping Liv, and Liv becoming increasingly sick, they walked up the street in the opposite direction from Tyler. Liv was practically dragging her feet by the time they arrived at Mige’s dark green Sedan. Ville, though still angry with Liv, wanted to help, he had carefully watched her the whole way to Mige’s car with concern, but Mige had all the bases covered. He’s acting like, like an older brother, Ville thought as Mige helped Liv into the back of his car, tucking her feet in for her and handing her an old fast food bag which had been thrown in the back.

“Please use this if you must, but I’d prefer it if you would just tell me to pull over, alright” Liv nodded and Mige closed the door. He went around the car to the driver’s side and got in without saying a word to Ville.

Ville got in the passenger seat quietly, sneaking a peak at Liv who’s color had returned. She looks more upset than sick, Ville thought as he turned back to look straight ahead.

Most of the drive was spent in silence with Mige constantly turning to make sure Liv was alright, though Liv did speak to give Mige directions back to her hotel.

Mige pulled over outside Liv’s small hotel, cutting the engine, ready to get out but Liv stopped him, gently placing a hand on his shoulder. “I’ll be fine. Thank you, sorry if I ruined your evening.” From the corner of his eye Ville could see Liv spare him a quick glance before leaving the car and carefully walking into the hotel, already digging in her purse for her room key.

Mige started up the engine and began driving to Ville’s. “You were too harsh back there, and you’re being an ass now” He remarked casually.

Ville still wasn’t in any mood. His heart had begun beating faster, he had too much pent up things to say to Liv. “So sue me” He said, looking out the window as the night lights of his beloved Helsinki.

Far before Mige had dropped Ville off at his tower, leaving with a disappointed look, Ville had already made up his mind. Remaining out in the street he took out his cell phone and called a cab.

***

Physically she was feeling better. Still drunk, but not sick anymore. Emotionally? Liv was a wreck. As soon as she’d entered her hotel room she’d inexplicably burst out into tears. Tyler had done his best to try to block out her father’s email with liquor, and it had worked, up until she’d run into Ville and Mige. The way he has looked at her, utter disdain, disdain and disappointment and embarrassment, that look had snapped her out of it. She was upset, crying over her father, over that look from Ville, his coldness, but she also cried in anger. What does he fucking expect, I am fucking young! It’s unlike I’m off drunkenly stumbling down the streets all the time. What does he care! It’s unlike anyone knows about us, what image will I ruin but my own.

Liv hated going to bed drunk so still crying she began to prepare for a cool shower, stripping off her jacket and jeans, when suddenly there was a loud knock at her door. She turned looking at the door confused. Wiping away the tears from her face she unlocked her door and slowly opened it, hiding her half naked body behind the door. It was Ville. He was steaming in anger. Without waiting for Liv to say anything he pushed the door open and walked into the room. Liv angrily shut the door behind him and turned to face him.

“Ville, what the fuck?” She asked crossing her arms.

Ville’s eyes took in her pantless appearance, but his eyes locked angrily on Liv’s still wet face. “Exactly Liv, what the fuck? How exactly did you end up drunkenly stumbling through the night with that Tyler fellow huh? Acting like a completely foolish, child!” His arms clenched and unclenched in anger as he stood angrily facing her, standing by the edge of Liv’s bed.

“Do not call me that!” Enraged, she stomped up to Ville, getting in his face, the alcohol fueling her rage. “I’m an adult along with you. You know me, you know I don’t get drunk often, how dare you be so judgmental and condescending. You were the same way if not worse growing up I’m sure. Why couldn’t you have acted like Mige! He was kind, helpful, while you fucking brooded over in the corner noticeably angry with me. You, you embarrassed me in front of my friend with that comment. You made a bad day worse and now you fucking barge in here angry at me, for what? Being myself? Trying to forget about something that upset me by hanging out with a friend?”

Liv watched as the anger faded slightly from Ville’s face. He knew she was right, he had over reacted. His mouth opened than close than opened again, his eyes furrowing in anger once again. “Well if you would have just called me, confided in me instead of that Tyler, than this all would have never happened!” Exasperated, he tore off his beanie, running his hand through his hair.

Liv rolled her eyes, taking a step back from Ville. He had lost the argument and was trying to hold onto his last shred of anger, which greatly frustrated Liv. “Look Ville, I don’t, It’s not in my nature to go blabbing to people things that make me upset. I didn’t even tell Tyler about it! I care about you but honestly you’re being a jealous prick right now.”

“Tell me, I want to know. What happened?”

“No, I’m not going to tell you now. I’m still angry with you and if you aren’t going to apologize for barging in here and for earlier, than I’d like you to leave.”

Ville stared into her eyes, crossing his arms stubbornly, “Tell me Liv”

“Fine than. I’m going to go take a shower and I’d like you to be gone when I come out.” She walked past him and into her small bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

She began strip off her tank top when she heard Ville turning the knob on the door, the lock was broken so she defiantly threw herself against the door, stopping his entrance.

“Liv! Your fucking doing it again, running away, avoiding the matter. I don’t fucking believe you, you aren’t taking a shower, your hiding away. Open the door and talk to me.” He nudged the door, opening it slightly, but Liv pushed against it harder, wedging her feet against the sink, shutting the door once again.

“Who’s being immature now! Just go! Please! There’s nothing to talk about. I got an email from my dad that’s fucking all, now go!” She felt his weight release from the door. She waited for a bit, panting, than she hesitantly stepped away from the door and began stripping off the remains of her clothes, her chest still heaving from the adrenaline rush of anger that had coursed through her. Liv quickly turned on the shower and stepped in.

I, why, why didn’t I just tell him, tell him everything. I needed him earlier, to listen, to talk to, I just don’t open up, I need him now. I drive them away, I’m going to drive Ville away, I already drove my dad away. As the steaming hot water washed over her, soaking her hair, streaming down her face, she began to cry. I’m a fucking wreck, she thought as her cries turned to sobs.

She suddenly heard the door handle turn. He didn’t leave?

“Liv? Are, are you crying?” He asked softly, all anger gone.

Liv turned, facing the shower head, cutting off her sobs. “No I’m not. Just, leave me be.” Why are you lying to yourself? Go to him.

“Darling I’m coming in”

“Wait no” But before she could protest any more, Ville, still fully dressed, a ringed hand clasped over his eyes, pulled back the shower curtain, releasing the pent up steam.

“What on earth are you doing!” Liv said, wrapping her arms around herself, covering her chest.

He lifted a leg and stepped into the tub, closing the shower curtain once again. “Comforting you” He said with warmth in his words. Water began to soak him, his long sleeved shirt, his jeans, his mass of dark curls. Ignoring all of that he tenderly wrapped his arms around Liv who’s heart had swelled at his gesture. She released her arms from around herself and wrapped them around Ville. Her chest began to heave again, having him holding her, comforting her, she could feel the love radiating from him, it brought the sobs back.

He gently rubbed her bare back. “Darling, let it out.”

And she did, crying, crying deeply. Crying over her father, over their fight, over the warmth of his embrace. Slowly however she was all cried out, her sobbing turning into a chuckle.

“What?” Ville asked as he pulled back slightly, keeping his eyes locked on Liv’s face, placing a hand on her cheek.

“This is ridiculous, your clothes are completely soaked, and the water is getting cold” She chuckled.

Ville smiled at her, raising a brow. It took Liv a moment to understand. He was putting the ball in her corner. She could shut off the water and they could dry off or she could turn up the hot water, continue her shower, their shower. She reached behind her and cranked the heat, steam once again filling the small space.

Ville smiled and brought his lips to hers, running his hand through Liv’s soaked hair, placing the other on the small of her back, holding her tight up against him. “Sorry, for everything” He whispered against her lips. Liv pressed her lips against his in response.

Her hands reached out, clutching at the end of the soaked shirt which clung to his body. She slowly began to pull it up, allowing her fingers to run up the side of his torso. Standing on her tip toes she managed to pull it up and over Ville’s head, letting it drop to the floor of the tub. The action of lifting Ville’s shirt had separated their bodies, Liv was no longer pressed up against Ville, her full nakedness exposed. She blushed as Ville looked down at her, taking her in.

“You darling are so beautiful it hurts, you’re like the sun.” he brought his hands up, gently placing them on the side of Liv’s neck.

She bit her lip looking at him, at his sculpted torso, water streaming down his pecs, over his abs, making the woman on chest cry. Ville smirked at her longing expression. He leant in, bringing his lips to her shoulder, slowly kissing his was up, up her neck, along her jawline.

Nervously Liv brought her hands to the zipper on Ville’s pants. She looked up at him, unsure, the last time she had done such a gesture he had stopped their heated moment, she didn’t want this to stop.

He smiled down at her “Darling, it’s only a shower”

Liv blushed and continued. Undoing the button on his jeans, unzipping them. Ville shrugged them off, along with his black boxer briefs. Liv blushed as she took him in, all of him.

He stroked her cheek with the back of his fingers, still covered in rings. “You blush like a roses first bloom.”

“Only for you” She whispered. She slowly ran her hands up his chest, over his shoulders, clasping them together around his neck. Her bare chest against his, she rested her forehead in the crook of his neck. “It’ll always be only for”