Heartaches Knocking on Her Door

[August 29 2013, Kansas City, Missouri, U.S.A.]

Her eyelids sprang open in frustration. Jesus fucking Christ! Can’t they just shut the fuck up, Liv grumbled internally. She’d been up for an hour already, forced awake by the incredibly loud sex the people in the hotel room next to her were having, their headboard loudly banging up against the wall, the woman’s cries of ecstasy, the man’s smut talk. For fucks sakes can’t they keep it down? She flung her blanket off and scrambled out of bed, blindly searching for the light switch in the dark.

The band had arrived in Kansas three hours earlier at 10 p.m. after their show in Bloomington. Exhausted, everyone had all hurried off to their hotel rooms to get some rest before the busy day to come. Liv however, hadn’t gotten a lick of sleep since arriving.

Her hand came into contact with the switch and she angrily flicked it on. I mean, I barely sleep anyways, but really? How long can sex really go for! She fell to her knee’s in front of her suitcase, zipping it open and pulling out a pair of light gray sweatpants to put on under the tee shirt Ville had given her to wear to bed. She quickly tugged them on then shrugged on her leather jacket, and slipped on her black leather converse, mumbling curses under her breath. She grabbed her pack of smokes, a lighter, and her key card, before getting up and leaving her hotel room, shutting the door behind her with a little too much force.
She walked down the harshly lit hotel hallway, treading on a dingy red carpet, making her way to the elevators. She wasn’t just mad at the neighboring couple for keeping her up, she was also partially mad because they had, in a way, made her jealous. The Rock Allegiance tour so far had been hectic, a show practically every night, as well as promotional interviews and meet and greets during the day. It was taking its toll on everyone, especially Liv and Ville. There was barely any time for the two to meet in private, and when they had found the time, it had only been for fleeting moments of loving words and intimacy, intimacy which she wanted more of. She wanted him, she wanted him physically more than she had ever wanted anyone, and though he called her a prude and she blushed when certain things were mentioned, she knew that she was ready for him, for the two of them to finally have sex. But Ville was holding back, and it made her frustrated, she couldn’t help it. Stupid hormones.

The elevator dinged and she stepped in, anxiously tapping her fingers against her cigarette box. She rubbed her stinging eyes, this isn’t good, I can’t sleep without that goddamn man, maybe I’m too dependent on him? The doors opened and she raced out. The lobby was still lit up with a few people sitting around in the small lounge area, some of them stood in a circle talking, quite obviously having just returned from a night of drinking. Liv was about to head out the entrance when she noticed Mige sitting in a corner, headphones in, reading a book, wide awake. Curious, she walked over.

He was dressed similarly to Liv, a worn tee shirt, sweat pants, and leather jacket over top. He looked up as she stopped and took a seat next to him on the single couch. Pulling out his headphones he smirked as he looked her up and down, “That’s quite the shirt you got there”

Liv raised a brow and looked down, oh that’s right. Liv shrugged, “Half the online community thinks I’m some groupie anyway, might as well look the part. What’s up with you? Can’t sleep?”

“No, and I didn’t feel like staying in my room, decided to sit out here and scare the other hotel guests, I’m sure they think I’m some homeless man who’s wandered in.” He scratched his beard, dog earing his book and setting it down. “What about you?”

“The people next to me are having sex”

He chuckled. “Oh come on, that’s one of the best parts of staying in hotels, it’s almost like free porn, what’s not to like? Ah wait, I know what it is, it’s not zombie enough for you? That’s it isn’t it?”

Liv rolled her eyes. “No, it’s just too loud, sleep is next to impossible in my room with those two going at it.” She closed her eyes for a moment, her lids stung from lack of sleep.

“You don’t look like you sleep anyways. For the past couple of days you look like the walking dead, no zombie porn joke intended. What’s with you? You know what? I bet you’re sleeping with of those Volebeat guys, or is it someone from All That Remains?” His lips curled up.

“Ha! No. And if I were, I don’t think I’d discuss my sex life, or lack thereof, with you.” Liv brought her legs up, crossing them.

“But I’m like your older brother! I need to know these things so I can beat the shit out of anyone who touches my little sister” Smirking he tousles Liv’s hair playfully.

“Right.” She smiled, getting up. “I’m going for a smoke, see you in the morning.” She gave him a pat on the shoulder before turning to leave.

“Use protection!” Mige called out after her.

Liv blushed with embarrassment as the few people in the lobby all turned to stare at her.

***

Protection… The word had been swirling around Liv’s mind all night, since she hadn’t been able to sleep, not even after her neighbors had finally stopped. She’d gotten out of bed at 8, quickly dressing in black skinny jeans, a plain white V neck, and an oversized gray knit cardigan over top, a black rosary hanging from her neck, her black curls tied back in a loose ponytail.

She sat in the small buffet style restaurant attached to the hotel, slowly eating a bowl of oatmeal as she tried to read Story of the Eye, but failed, her mind too preoccupied.

We aren’t even close to that, but I never even thought of it, protection. She bit her lip as she absentmindedly stared down at her breakfast.

The pulling out of a chair in front of her pulled her out of her consuming thoughts. Liv looked up to see who her guest was, a smile instantly spreading across her face as Ville sleepily sat down across from her, his smile mirroring hers. He wore a black sport coat over a Black Sabbath tee shirt, gray scarf loosely wrapped around his neck, and a beanie on his head, covering his hair. His smile was bright, but his eyes were tired, rimmed in red.

He quickly looked around to make sure no one they both knew was nearby before settling his eyes on Liv. “I miss you darling.”

He looked exhausted, stressed out. Liv’s lip instantly found its way between her teeth as she began to worry. “I miss you more than you can imagine. I can’t take this much longer Ville. I have half a mind to just run on stage tonight and passionately kiss you in front of everyone.”

Ville gave a small smile, but a sadness touched his eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry that this is the lifestyle that I live, and that it’s in the public eye, but I’m not ready, I’m not ready for the backlash of people finding out about us, and I don’t think you are either Liv.”

Liv sighed. He was right. Already people online who hadn’t figured out that see was HIM’s photographer, had come to the conclusion that she was some type of groupie, but if the news came out, it would be worse. No one would take her photography seriously, they would all figure she only got her start because of Ville’s attraction to her, and not to her photography. “You’re right, but don’t ever be sorry for the life style you live. It’s just hard, I mean, I can’t even sleep at night if it’s not next to you, what the hell is wrong with me?” She lifted a clump of oatmeal with her spoon, dropping it back into the bowl.

Ville gave a soft chuckle. “Nothing darling, you’re in love.”

Liv smirked. “Ah that’s right, I never get to see my love though, I always have to deal with a dumb rock star all day, so demanding” She teased.

“Oh come now darling, you adore the rock star. He must captivate you with his lyrics, fame, money.” He grabbed Liv’s spoon and took a bite of her oatmeal.

“Maybe the lyrics, just the lyrics though, absolutely swoon worthy” She acted out a fainting fit, much to Ville’s amusement.

“Any song in particular?” He asked, genuinely curious.

“What are you two talking about?” Came Burtons voice as he took a seat next to Liv, a cup of coffee in one hand and a plate of toast and hash browns in the other.

Ville smirked. “Liv here, was just about to tell me her favorite HIM song”

Liv rolled her eyes, “I think I’ll keep that to myself, wouldn’t want to give you guys an unneeded ego boost” She grabbed her bowl of oatmeal and stood up. “See you two at the interview” She walked off smirking.

Though she wasn’t as big of a fan of their music as Marcus was, she had been a fan back in the day, and the first song of theirs she had ever heard, the song which had brought her to tears many times, would always be her favorite. She began to hum the melody to herself as she dropped off her plate and began to make her way upstairs to her hotel room to grab her photography equipment. Riding up the elevator, the lyrics couldn’t help but escape her lips, “Let me wake up in your arms…”

The sound of Wolf Moon began to blare from her sweater pocket, filling the small elevator. Liv answered her phone as she stepped out onto her floor, the same floor as the rest of the guys’.

“Hello?”

“Hey fucker, just thought I’d call and get an update on you” Came Marcus’s voice on the other line.

Liv smiled to herself as she fumbled with the key card, trying to open the door to her hotel room, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to use this damn thing, she thought. The door next to her opened and a young couple stepped out, a tall blonde with her arm around the man’s waist, head leaning on his shoulder, the man, equally tall but with a buzz cut had his hand in her back pocket. Noisy bastards, Liv thought as she stepped into her room. She began thinking of her sleepless night, her neighbours’ almost sleepless night, what Mige had said… “Um Marcus, are you with Hanna by any chance?”

“Yeah, do you wanna talk to her?” He asked curiously.

“Yes please” Liv began to gather together her photography gear.

“Hey” Hanna answered, her sweet voice ringing on the other line. Liv always liked Hanna, she was sweet and tender, always kind. Her and Marcus were matching pieces to a puzzle, and though many in Hanna’s situation would feel jealous of Liv and Marcus’s relationship, she understood, she knew there was nothing to worry about, and so she had always acted much like an older sister to Liv.

“Um Hanna, I, uh, um, I need some advice.” Liv was blushing already. She perched on the side of her bed, chewing her bottom lip. “ummm”

Hanna began to softly chuckle. “Liv, what is it, you sound nervous, I won’t judge.”

“It’s um, well, how exactly does one go about getting, uh, birth control pills…?”

“Liv!” Hanna chuckled. “Since when were you with someone?”

“You know what, forget it.”

“No! Sorry. Um well” Liv could her Marcus’s voice in the background getting fainter. Thank god, she thought, I do not want him to overhear this conversation. “alright, you’re going to have to go to a doctor for a prescription and then you can pick them up at any place with a pharmacy. It may take a while though, you’ll have to make an appointment and stuff. But I think in your case, since you’re traveling around, you might have to settle for condoms.”

“Oh, um, alright. Thanks Hanna.” You know what, okay, I’m going to be a big girl and just pick up a box, just in case, anything could happen, hopefully…

“No problem” Hanna chuckled again. “Hey Liv, do you know what’s up with Marcus, he’s been acting a bit strange lately.”

Liv smiled. “Hanna, you have absolutely nothing to worry about, trust me. I need to go, but could you tell Marcus that I’ll call him later. Thanks again. Bye”

“Bye!”

Liv hung up, falling back onto her bed. It’s going to be a long day, she sighed. She bit her lip as she thought back on how Ville had looked, she worried more, but she knew that he was use to this, touring, sleepless nights. I just, I just wish I could be there for him, and visa versa.

Liv suddenly got an idea. She sprang out of bed and began searching for a pen and paper.

***

He let his luggage fall to the ground as he kicked his hotel room door shut behind him. The flight over to Tulsa, though short, had felt like an eternity. Ville had tried to sleep on the flight, but that hadn’t worked, as he had figured. It’s never been this bad, he thought, I’ve never been so viciously haunted by a love. He’d last seen Liv when everyone had arrived at the airport, but after, he’d lost her. He was worried, worried because she had seemed worried, her lip between her teeth, her eyes looking but not seeing, but he hadn’t gotten a chance to ask her what was wrong. It must be her father. He ran his hand through his hair in frustration, fuck.

He hadn’t showered after the show so he stripped off his black sport coat, tossing it on his hotel room bed before kneeling down to his suitcase, he unzipped it swiftly, opening it. On top of his clothing sat a folded together pieces of paper which hadn’t been there before. Curious, Ville thought, unfolding the bundle, hotel notepad paper, a beautiful script scrawled across the pieces.

He brought his legs out from under him, taking a seat on the ground, and began reading the letter.

“There isn’t any damn parchment paper or elegant feathered pens, but here goes my attempt at writing you a love letter.” A smile broke through his tired expression. “My nights are spent awake, the darkness, the sleep deprivation, soothing lyrics, they all provide no escape from you. I need you. I need you holding me, whispering sweet nothings in my ear, gently rubbing my back, I need you because I love you, I love you and not having you with me, not being able to kiss you, tell you how my day has gone, just sit with you and talk intimately about life, go out for dinner with you, truly be with you, is killing me. But that doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter because you love me, and your love is all I’ll ever need. Those brief smiles, your surreptitious fingers intertwining with mine, those small comments made which only I would understand, they portray it all, and they are all I’ll ever need. I think to myself sometimes, where would my life be without him, but I don’t want to dwell any further past that question, because though it frightens me to think how utterly I’ve become dependent on you, the simple fact is that you are my life. I need you like a castle needs a dungeon, like Poe needed heartbreak, like the day needs the night, like a vampire needs blood. During this long tour, when a day goes by in which we cannot have a single moment alone, in which my longing for you is evident in every movement, when a sleepless night goes by, read this, read this and know that I too am missing you. That I too am awake, eyes stinging, you’re face behind my closed lids. And if you worry, please don’t, I’m here, I love you, I’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll find those moments of bliss. I love you ‘to death’”

He sighed with a heavy heart. He adored her phrasing, her tongue and cheek. Most importantly however, was that she had said it all, all that had been plaguing his thoughts, and she’d soothed his mind. Ville’s body ached, despite what she had said about being fine, he stilled wanted to be there, with her, for her, for himself. He got up off the floor and dug out his cellphone from his pocket, dialing Liv’s number. He began to pace his room anxiously.

“Hi” He could hear the elation in her voice.

“I needed to hear your voice” He whispered, his body relaxing.

Liv chuckled. He loved her chuckle, she sounded like a forest nymph, some fairy, unearthly, there was an edge there though. Something was wrong. “You hear my voice everyday”

“I do, but I rarely get to hear to my Liv’s voice. I read your letter and I, I love you, I need to see you, if only to sneak into your room for a few minutes.”

“That’s a bit risky don’t you think?” She asked, worry riddling her tone.

He didn’t care, he needed to see her. “Which room?”

“Luckily I got a room on the second floor, everyone else is staying on higher levels, you probably won’t be seen. Second floor, room 253.”

He hung up as soon as her room number slipped from her lips. He was sure she would excuse his rudeness but he couldn’t take it any longer. He grabbed his key card and rushed out the door, eyeing the hotel hallway for anyone he might know. He was confident he wouldn’t see anyone, although, Mige had had weird sleeping habits of late.

***

Liv anxiously sat on the edge of her bed in the oversized shirt Ville had given her, waiting for him to come. Before he had called she had just gotten off the phone with her father who had rang her as she had made her way over to the hotel. He didn’t sound clean, not at all, he’d switched topics quickly, his voice nervous, gruff, just how she remembered right before he’d left. She’d been left shaken, to say the least. Nervousness eating away at her as she thought about her looming dinner with him the next day. I can’t, I just can’t if something happens during this dinner.

She brought her face between her hands. What’s wrong with me lately? One worry after another. It’s consuming me.

An eager knock at her door snapped Liv out of it. She sprang to her feet, unlocking the door as quickly as she could, pulling it back.

Ville stood in the doorway, practically breathless, wearing what he had worn in the morning and during the show, except the blazer. A lovely crooked smile on his face, but there was tension in his eyes. Liv didn’t have much time to think or say anything, his lips were instantly on hers, his body gently pushing her back into the room, one hand gripping the small of her back, the other closing the door behind them. Liv had not been expecting this reaction, his lips urgently moving against hers, pushing her further, further until her could go no more, until she was pressed up against the back wall of her room. Liv wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling her lips away, gasping for breath, but that didn’t stop Ville. He began kissing a line down her cheek, down her neck, stopping where her neck met her shoulder, kissing her there gently at first, but soon with force, as Liv panted for breath. He brought his face back up, nose skimming Liv’s jawline.

“Sorry” He whispered against her lips. “Reading your letter, hearing your voice, I needed you.”

“Don’t be sorry” She gently gave him a light, lingering kiss on the lips, his chest still heaving against her. “Though” She smirked. “I may have a bruise on my back, you held me so tightly” She teased. She looked up into his eyes, the tension was gone, he smiled down at her as she brought her hand up, resting it on his cheek. “Will you stay long?”

He sighed, looking away, “I can’t spend the night, as much as I’d like to. Perhaps an hour or so.”

“Come” She whispered, wriggling out of Ville’s arms, grabbing his hand, leading him to the bed. “Could you hold me than? Hold me, tell me about your day, your current fears, anxieties, the most beautiful thing you’ve seen today, a joke you heard, what you look forward to tomorrow, just, talk.”

His face saddened as he gave a slight nod, walking past Liv he sat on the bed, back against the head board. He opened his arms for her to sit between his legs. Liv smiled, she quickly turned on the bed side lamp and turned off the room light before gently taking a seat between his legs. She leaned across him suddenly however, remembering what she had gotten him. She dug into her nightstand and pulled out a key card. “I got you can extra one, just in case. Okay, go.” She smiled, handing Ville the key card before leaning against Ville, her back up against his chest.

He accepted the key, stuffing it in his jean pocket before bringing his knees up, wrapping his arms around Liv’s waist, and resting his chin on her shoulder. “Alright” Rang his deep voice in the dim hotel room. Shivers ran down Liv’s spine, she couldn’t help it, his lips so close to her ear. “My day was routine. Interview, show. Fears? Anxieties? Well darling, they center around you, how could they not. I’m worried about your dinner with your father tomorrow. I’m worried about how you’ll take things if they don’t turn out how you want them to. The most beautiful thing I’ve seen all day was you, your bright hazel eyes, raven black hair, tender smile. You may appear to some as snow white, but to me my love, you’ll always be little red riding hood, and I’ve seduced you off the path, not that you didn’t enjoy it.” He gave Liv a kiss on the cheek, than continued. “Mige told me quite the joke on the plane today, though, you might want to cover your ears, I’m afraid it might make you blush.”

Liv rolled her eyes and gave him a playful nudge. “You forget, I’m zombie porn girl now. I’m sure I can handle it.”

“A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, ‘Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!’ The woman says, ‘Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!’” He chuckled. Liv smiled to herself. She loved his laugh, it sounded so childish, goofy, carefree. She laughed along with him. “Ah you survived!” He joked. “Hmm, tomorrow, tomorrow I look forward to a lot of things. I forgot to tell you earlier, but Jesse is coming to visit. He likes to do that once in a while, come along for a couple of days while I’m on tour. It’ll be nice to spend some time with him, I barely saw hide nor hair of him back in Hels. I also look forward to the fact that there aren’t any interviews tomorrow. I can spend my morning writing, for you see, there is this lovely young woman who’s been quite the inspiration to me as of late.” He held her tighter.

“Oh really now? Well then.” Liv joked, turning slightly in his arms so she could rest her cheek on his chest.

“Don’t be jealous, you two have a lot in common” Ville winked down at Liv as he brought his forehead to hers, smirking.

“I’m sure” Liv smiled.

“I also look forward to the fact that we don’t have to fly out to Englewood after tomorrow’s gig. Another night here means another night of you staying in this conveniently situated hotel room. Another night here means another night I can sneak off like a villain in the night to come steal you away into my heart.”

Liv’s eyes had closed. His voice, so soothing, deep. His arms, so safe and warm. “You’ve already stolen my heart sir” She whispered sleepily. “Go on though” She smirked, her eyes still closed. “What else will you steal?”

“Ha! You know, Mige told me an interesting story on the plane after his little joke”

Liv tensed up. She hoped it wasn’t what she thought it would be. She tried to calm her breathing which had picked up. “Oh?” She managed to mumble.

“Yes. You see. He was wandering around the airport, in search of some sort of convenience store for a snack, when who does he see?” Fuck, Liv thought, she knew what was coming. “You my dear.” He touched his finger to Liv’s nose. “Apparently you didn’t see him at first so he went around the aisle behind you so as to scare you, but what does he see you buying as he peeked over the aisle?”

“You two gossip like old women.” Liv grumbled, closing her eyes tighter.

“Condoms!” Ville teased, smoothing back the hair at the top of Liv’s head.

“stop it. Don’t you guys have better things to talk about?”

Ville chuckled, kissing the top of Liv’s head. “Like worshiping Satan? Of course, but my dear, to me, you are a far more interesting topic. Now tell me about it”

“I think not. It was a traumatizing experience enough, especially with Mige actually coming up to me and choosing a ‘good’ brand. I’d prefer not to relive it, thank you very much.” She didn’t want to have this conversation. She had had no intention of telling Ville that she had gone out and bought condoms. She hadn’t even wanted to bring up the subject of sex for a while since Ville had been so adamant against it.

“It’s, it’s good that you want to be safe darling… but”

Liv sat up and got off the bed. All she’d wanted was to just enjoy being with him for a few moments, but no, this conversation had to come up, again. “Stop. Ville stop. I know what you’re going to say already, a bunch of crap about me not being ready.” She turned to face him. He’d swung his legs over the bed, but still sat.

“Liv, darling, there is nothing to be mad about.” He said, confused at her anger.

“I’m sorry but there is though. We’ve had this argument before and you still think I’m some naïve girl who doesn’t know when she herself is ready. Don’t treat me different! Yes there is an age difference! Yes I worry about what people will say if we ever come out as a couple. Yes I worry that I’m not mature enough, or will be good enough for you, but I don’t need you reminding me of the fact by acting all high and mighty about this whole sex situation.”

Before Ville could reply his phone began to ring. Liv crossed her arms as she watched Ville look at the caller ID than ignore the call, placing his phone on Liv’s night stand. His face had remained calm throughout Liv’s rant. He stood up slowly. “Liv, darling we’ve only been together a little over a month.”

“How long did it take you in the past to jump into bed with the other women you’ve been with?”

Ville’s expression changed. Now he was angry. “That doesn’t matter. I was different then. You’re different, you’re nothing like those other women. And no it’s not because of our age difference which so obviously bothers you.” He clenched his ringed fingers into fists at his side. His phone began vibrating on the nightstand, but he ignored it.

“No! You can’t say that! It bothers you too! Admit it, you’re so obviously afraid of what the guys will think of you, of what your family will say, how the media will react!” Liv bit her lip, she didn’t want to be angry, she wasn’t even sure how this fight had happened, how all these held back feelings came spewing out. Liv glared at his annoying phone, still vibrating, but turned back to Ville as he began to speak.

“Keep it down.” Ville grumbled. “And you know what, fuck the media. If you think I give a damn about the media you clearly don’t know me very well.”

For fucks sakes! “That’s not what I meant!” Liv shook with frustration. She couldn’t take his damn phone anymore, taking a step to grab it.

“Liv don’t!” Ville exclaimed, trying to grab the phone before her, but it was too late. Liv’s fingers had locked around the phone, dodging Ville. She’d quickly moved to the other side of the bed and looked at the caller ID, her jaw almost dropping as she saw who it was. She stared at the phone in shock until Ville caught her, ripping the phone out of her hand and locking his arms around her so she couldn’t get away.

“Liv, darling, don’t over react” He pleaded, holding her tight.

“Sandra!” What the fuck is she doing calling him?? Liv began to try to escape Ville’s arms, but he was far stronger than her.

“Let me explain” He said calmly, his poker face on.

“Explain what! That I don’t know you very and I’m too young for you and so you’re fucking Sandra on the side!” She fought against him but to no avail.

“Liv, you’re being ridiculous, just calm down and let me explain.”

“No! Let go of me!”

“No, cause if I do, you’re just going to fucking storm off and I won’t have a chance to…” He was cut off by a knock at Liv’s door.

His arms relaxed around Liv and she found her opportunity, she wrenched herself free of him and walked over to answer the door. Trying to look calm, she opened the door a crack, sticking her head out. Out in the hallway stood a concerned looking hotel employee. A blonde woman in the hotel uniform of a red vest over a white button up with a red skirt.

“Um, excuse me mam, we got a complaint about a disturbance coming from your room. Is everything alright?” The women asked, trying to peer into Liv’s room.

Liv plastered on her perkiest smile, no doubt an obviously fake one. “Everything is just fine. Had a little fight with a friend, but we will keep it down now, sorry for any trouble we caused.”

“Oh, alright. Thank you. Have a good night.” The woman gave a small smile before walking away.

Liv’s smile instantly vanished as she closed the door, turning around to face Ville who still stood on the other side of the bed, his features illuminated by the bedside lights dim rays. “I’d like you to leave please” She sighed. Her yelling had brought on a headache, Sandra’s name on Ville’s phone had broken her heart, their fight had drained her, she wanted to be alone.

Ville stood firm, his brows furrowed. “No.”

Liv rubbed her face, all the fight gone. She just wanted to go to bed, to cry herself to sleep, mentally prepare herself for the shit day she was sure to have tomorrow, what with the dinner with her father. “Ville, I don’t want to hear it right now. Just leave me alone for the moment being and you can tell me about it tomorrow.”

Ville pursed his lips, Liv could see the deliberation in his dimly lit features. “Fine” He stalked past Liv and left without another word.

The sound of Liv’s hotel room door shutting forcefully behind Ville was the catalyst for her tears. She didn’t sob, she couldn’t sob, but the tears still streamed down her cheeks. Somehow the night had gone horribly wrong. She slowly inched into her bed, turning off the light, and crawling into a ball.

***

“Liv honey I’m fine, it’s just too hot out, you know me, the heat gets to me easily.”

Mom? She’s here? Alive? She looks the same, eyes light brown, short wavy hair, thin lips with an ever present smile upon them.

“Mom, no, you don’t look fine!”

There’s too much sweat. She looks pale, weak. This, this is familiar, this is all too familiar.

“I’ll just take a seat here in the shade, my back’s starting to hurt. Honey, really, I’m fine. Oh!”

Mom?

“Mom!”

“Liv, my, my chest”

“Mom!”

Get off the ground! No! No! This isn’t happening. You can’t! This can’t happen again.

“Help! Somebody help! We need an ambulance!”

Her face is distorted in pain, something’s wrong! Something is terribly wrong!

“Mom? Mom can you hear me? Mom!”

No, I can’t. Not again.

“Mom I can hear the ambulance, everything’s going be fine, okay? Mom? Please mom, please don’t go. Mom!”

Liv jolted awake. She had a cold sweat down her back and neck, her heart racing a mile a minute. She looked around her room confused. Head aching, she wiped the tears from her eyes, sitting up, bringing her legs up and wrapping her arms around them, resting her cheek on her knee’s. This is too hard, she thought in the darkness, fresh tears falling from her tightly shut lids, I want my old life back, a life without complications, a life back home, with my mom. Liv hadn’t had one of her nightmares in a long time, they’d just suddenly gone away, ever since, ever since meeting Ville. She bit her lip. She didn’t want to think about Ville, she didn’t want to think about Sandra. Seppo had given her the day off to meet with her father, she didn’t even have to see Ville all day, though she was sure he would come knocking later that night.

Heart still aching, thinking about her mother, Liv slowly crept out of bed, realizing Ville’s face was on her, she quickly stripped off his shirt, forcefully tossing it across the room. Grumbling, feeling a slight chill on her bare chest, she walked over to her purse where it sat in the small hotel washroom, digging around she pulled out her phone to check the time. Liv stared at her phone confused, no, that can’t be right, it can’t be 6p.m. That’s not possible. When did I even fall asleep?

Liv shook herself, still confused. Her phone said she had 3 missed calls and a text. Rubbing her eyes Liv took a seat on the bathroom counter. One missed call had been from Mige, and two had been from Ville, one just twenty minutes before she had woken up and the other at two. Liv debated whether or not she should call Mige back, nope, can’t, they just went on stage. The text was from Ville, sent right after he had called the first time, “I had half a mind to barge into your hotel room today, but you must be out, avoiding me. Don’t be like that. I have things to tell you, so call me when you decide to come out of hiding.”

‘things to tell you’ Liv sighed. I don’t want to hear what he has to tell me. He’s going to tell me we fight too much, he’s going to tell me I’m acting childish, he’s going to tell me he never truly let go of Sandra, that he had her all along, she never stopped ‘warming his bed’, that’s why he we never…, he was covered in that department. She gulped deeply, am I just being insecure? I, I can’t think about this now, I need to get ready for dinner with Richard. Dinner with Richard…

Liv’s breathing picked up, her hands began to shake. I’m not ready for this. I can’t not go after all this time but, but can I make it through? If something goes wrong? She held onto the wall to steady herself, no, it’ll be fine, I’ll go early and have a few drinks, everything will be fine.

She hopped off the counter, heart still beating fast. Definitely need a few drinks. She walked over to her suitcase, turning on the hotel room lights as she went. She quickly changed, the prospect of having a drink to sooth her nerves having made her eager to leave. She hurriedly changed into a black silk tank top, dark gray blazer, white skinny jeans, and her black spiked boots. Slinging her purse over her shoulder and making sure she had money, her cell, ID, and her key card, she raced out the door. She was slowly losing composure as she walked to the elevator, nervousness enveloping her, the fear of what was to come, worry, her haunting nightmare, her fight with Ville. As she rode down a level, tears began to fill her eyes, stop it, get a grip, she told herself.

As soon as the elevator doors opened she sprang out. She rushed for the door, not wanting anyone to see her crying.

“Liv?”

Fuck. Too late. She quickly wiped the tears from her eyes before turning around. Seppo sat in one of the lobby chairs next to the entrance, but as soon a Liv turned he stood up, concern riddling his features.

“Liv? What’s the matter dear?” He said in his thick accent, taking a step towards Liv.

She gave a weak smile “Oh it’s nothing Seppo, just um, bad day. We’re staying in Tulsa until Monday right?” She bit her lip, she could tell he saw right through her smile.

“We are, correct. Liv dear, is it Vi…”

Liv cut him off “No.”

Seppo narrowed his eyes. He looked like a father who knew their kid was lying, but he didn’t press the subject. He sighed before saying, “Very well.” His cell phone began to ring, he took it out of his jean pocket before looking back up at Liv with a concerned look, “I need to take this, but have a good night dear”

Liv gave him a nod before finally making her escape. She stepped out, the sun setting in the sky, casting looming shadows on the street. The restaurant her father had chosen to meet at was just two blocks away, right next to the concert venue, just up the street, so Liv decided to walk. Not wanting to linger on the thoughts which had consumed her in the elevator, she lit up a smoke and put in her ear buds, skipping through songs, skipping Byronic Man, for obvious reasons, and settling on Funeral In Carpathia, the volume turned up all the way.

The walk was quick, and having Google mapped it ahead of time she didn’t get lost. The restaurant was situated at the bottom of what looked to be a tall office building, just a stone’s throw from the stadium. There was a large blue sign over the entrance, ‘Baxter’s Interurban Grill.’ Liv checked her phone, 20 minutes to seven. She took a deep breath before pulling open the entrance doors and stepping in.

Chewing her bottom lip she looked around. The place wasn’t too large, or fancy, small dark brown tables littered an open space, with a couple of booths to the left and a stone lined bar wedged into the far left side corner. The place wasn’t too packed, but there was a reasonable crowd.

“Hello there, will it just be you tonight” Smiled a young man. He had short cut dark brown hair and a welcoming smile. Liv noticed him give her the once over, much to her embarrassment.

“Um no, I’ll be joined by someone else, I just came here earlier to grab a drink, to grab some sanity, sorry, nerves, okay sorry I’m rambling, a table for two please.”

The young man laughed. “Alright, no worries, please follow me” He began leading her to one of the booths, stealing a glance at her over his shoulder.

The butterflies were getting to her. Would Richard, dad, be like he was when he left? Did he really get clean? Is he trying to reconnect? Or is he trying to apologize to clear his conscience? If he isn’t clean what is the point of trying to see me? Fuck! Her teeth had broken through the skin of her bottom lip, she tasted blood.

She slid into the booth, instantly grabbing a napkin to dab at her lip as the young man placed a menu in front of her.

“Can I get you anything to drink?” He smiled.

“Just um, just a few shots of whatever please” She smiled up at the young man. Is he even old enough to serve alcohol?

She turned to her menu, her eyes absent mindedly scanning over the food choices, her mind racing, foot nervously twitching, jaw shaking. Fuck Liv, calm down.

Half an hour and a long island ice tea, 2 tequila shots, and a beer later, Liv sat, more at ease, but anxious as ever. Where is he? He’s late. Did he decide not to come? Her eyes scanned the restaurant for the millionth time, making sure he hadn’t missed her and taken a seat somewhere else. Then she saw him, cautiously walking through the front door, his eyes darting around, and her heart sank.

He lied.

He lied to me.

He looked just as he had before leaving. Tall, freckles, green eyes, thick black wavy hair past his shoulder blades, scruffy haggard beard, wearing his usual jean jacket over a ripped tee shirt and black jeans. He looked the same, but different, worse. She knew, she could see it on his face, pale, skinny, deep hallow bags beneath his vacant eyes.

He wasn’t clean. He’s still using. It’s gotten worse.

Growing up Liv had loved her father. He was the one who had introduced her to rock, to metal. He was the one who had taken her to her first Black Sabbath show. He was the one who helped her learn to bike, to drive, who let her hop on the back of his motorcycle, that is, before he sold it for drugs. He wasn’t perfect, far from it, but he had been there for her until things went downhill. It had started with stress at work, alcohol, than progressed, progressed until he was stealing from home, until he was out late, coming home high, track marks up and down his arms, until, though her mom had tried to help him, he just up and left, taking as many valuables as he could with him.

He spotted her from across the restaurant, a hallow smile on his lips as he made his way over. Liv chugged down the last of her beer, heart beating out of her chest, anger slowly rising within her. Smiling, he took a seat across from Liv.

“You lied” She said as calmly as she could, fidgeting with her napkin, tearing it to shreds as she stared at her father with narrowed eyes.

“Well hello to you too. You’re beautiful kid.” His voice sounded dull, terribly so.

“Rich, dad, how could you. You lied, you fucking lied.” She didn’t want to get mad at him, but seeing him after all that time, after all the hurt and anger she had felt, after the emotional distress he had caused her throughout high school, she was pissed, and she couldn’t hold it in.

“I did. I’m not going to deny that, but I did it with good reason Liv. I knew you would never agree to see me if you hadn’t thought I’d changed, so I lied. I wanted to see my daughter again, sue me.” He shrugged. Taking off his jacket, revealing his tattooed arms, visible track marks on the inside of his elbow.

Liv exhaled angrily. He had a good point, she would never have willingly agreed to put herself through this if she’d know he was still using. “I don’t think you have the right to call me your daughter anymore” Liv grumbled.

The waiter came just then, a little uneasy as he sensed the tension between Liv and her father, but asking for their orders anyway.

“Another beer please” Liv asked, keeping her eyes on her father who looked quite amused at her anger.

“I’ll have a gourmet burger and a beer also.” The waiter nodded before rushing off. Richard locked eyes with Liv, smiling. “Oh lighten up kid.”

Liv scoffed, appalled, digging her nails into her palm. “Lighten up? Honestly Richard how did you expect me to act. I don’t believe you, suddenly contacting me after six fucking years out of the blue. For fucks sakes you didn’t even call, or send a letter, nothing when mom died. And you knew! You fucking knew! And you didn’t care, you didn’t give two shits about me or mom. So of course I’m going to be fucking angry, don’t tell me to fucking lighten up.” The liquor was fueling her rage.

Liv’s dad rolled his eyes, putting his calloused hands up on the table, leaning in towards Liv. “Jesus Christ Liv keep it down, people are staring. This wasn’t out of the blue, I talked to my dad, he told me about you, about your new life, I wanted to congratulate you.”

Liv narrowed her eyes, skeptical. That doesn’t make a lick of sense, and he didn’t even fucking try to rational why he didn’t, wasn’t fucking there for me when mom died. Something’s up. “What is it, what do you fucking want from me?”

He sighed, his eyes darting around, he scratched the scabs on his arm. “Okay, fine, if you want to get right down to it, skip out on spending some quality time with me, I need money. I uh, I owe some guys money and I’ve barely been able to afford rent. You have money, I know you do, just, please help me out Liv, if not for me, than for the dad you knew.”

“Bullshit!” He’s fucking lying again. “Stop fucking lying and tell me the truth for once. You want the money for drugs. After six fucking years of not a word, you get in touch me so I can give you money?” She knew people were staring as she raised her voice, but she didn’t care. “You know what. You’re a fucking selfish bastard. Mom got you help, but you didn’t even try, you didn’t even try to fight it, instead you left us behind, stealing from us for your fucking drugs. Why don’t you choose family over drugs for once!”

Anger flared in his features. “I never wanted a family! I knocked up your mom, my dad convinced me it was the right thing to do to marry the broad. You were a mistake, you weren’t supposed to happen, I was supposed to be free, riding my Harley, doing whatever the fuck I want.”

“You know what, well you got it in the fucking end. You lost your wife, and now you’ve lost me, for fucking good.” She stood up shakily, nose flaring in anger. Her father looked at her confused. Liv reached into her purse, hand latching onto her cheque book. She quickly, forcefully, wrote him a cheque, pen digging into the paper. “Here!” She said tossing it onto the table. She grabbed a handful of bills from her wallet and slammed them down on the table. “The cheque is for a thousand dollars. The cash is for the food. But I don’t want you to ever try to contact me again. Not me, not anyone I know. I don’t want you to say my name, I don’t want you to ever fucking think of me ever again. You never had a fucking daughter.” With that she slung her purse over her shoulder and stormed off, adrenaline coursing through her. She didn’t know which way she was going, she just went, chest heaving.

Liv managed to walk up the street before she realized she had gone in the wrong direction, she’d ended up in front of the venue, then her panic attack hit. Before her knees could buckled Liv was able to find a bench. Fuck, fuck fuck fuck. She was heaving, quick jagged breaths. Body shaking. Tears falling in a deluge. Fingertips numbing. Fuck. She brought her knee’s up on the bench. The outside world was lost to her, the darkness of the night, the faint roar of fans within the arena, the skinny man who was witnessing the entire episode, debating whether or not he should approach Liv, ask her if she needed help. She tried to think of a calming thought. Ville usually was that thought, his smile, the first time he said he loved her, now, thinking about him, the tears streamed down faster. Just get to your hotel room Liv, than you can fall apart. She wiped at her tears, despite their constant stream and stretched out her clenching fingers, slowly getting up, a hand remaining on the bench to steady herself. She managed to stand, taking a few experimental steps before speed walking across the street, dodging a car, heading back the direction she had come, towards the hotel.

***

“Ettekö jet jäänyt?” (Aren’t you jet lagged) Ville Smiled as he lounged on Jesse’s hotel room bed, arms behind his head, feet hanging over the edge, as he watched Jesse rummage through his suitcase.

The day hadn’t gone as he had planned, not by a long shot. He’d expected a call from Liv in the morning, but there was nothing. He’d asked around if the guy’s had seen her, but no one had, worrying Mige. At one point he had gotten so frustrated he’d gone down to her floor, stopped in front of her door, his key card in hand, but he’d stopped himself. If she wants to be left alone, I need to respect her wishes. And so the morning had been spent angrily strumming his acoustic, a pissed off Neil Young. When 3p.m. rolled around, Ville had taxied down to the airport to pick up Jesse, taking him out to eat with the guys as soon as he’d dropped off his suitcase, than dragging him to the show.

Jesse turned to face Ville from his crouched position on the floor. He never changes, Ville thought. Light brown chin length hair sticking out of his black newsboy cap, large black plugs. He wore one of their fathers’ sex shop tee shirts, light jeans, and black converse. “Ettekö väsynyt näyttää?” (Aren’t you tired from the show?)

“Ha!” Ville laughed. He was though. After getting back from the show he’d gone straight to Jesse’s room. He hadn’t even changed, loose hair still sweaty, still in his sweat soaked Type O Negative beater and black jeans. He cracked his knuckles before sitting up. “Olen. En ole nuoria ja sopivat kuin olet. En voi mennä ulos juominen ja mitä olet jokaisen konsertin.” (I am. I’m not young and fit like you are. I can’t go out drinking and what have you after every concert.)

“Olen yhä täällä aamulla. Jos olet kyllästynyt mennä nukkumaan. Näytät siltä, ​​että tarvitset sitä. Et näytä siltä, ​​että olet nukkunut päivinä.” (I’ll still be here in the morning. If you’re tired go to sleep. You look like you need it. You look like you haven’t slept in days.) Jesse said, standing up and taking a seat next to Ville on the bed.

Ville sighed, running a hand through his hair. “En ole.” (I haven’t) That woman is going to be the death of me, I swear. He thought back with frustration to the night before. Dammit, if she would have just let me explain myself, instead of her mind jumping to ridiculous conclusions.

“Tiedän, että näyttää Ville. Kuka hän on?” (I know that look Ville. Who is she?) Jesse smirked taking his hat off and tossing it onto his suitcase.

“Kerron hänestä toinen päivä.” (I’ll tell you about her another day.) He got up, stretching out his soar limbs.

Looking up at Ville, Jesse smiled. “Salainen rakkaus? Voi kuinka hyvin toivoton romantikko teistä. Ainakin antaa minulle lyhyt kuvaus hänen nainen, joka pitää sinut koko yön?” (A secret love? Oh how very hopeless romantic of you. At least give me a short description of his woman who keeps you up all night?) He grinned.

Ville rolled his eyes as he took a step toward the door. He paused for a moment. How to describe Liv? He’d been trying to put her into words ever since he’d first met her, various descriptions hidden away in the new songs he had scribbled in his mole skin. She had no description and a thousand all at once, but one in particular would not escape his mind. “Traagisesti kaunis.” (tragically beautiful) He smiled.

“Kuulostaa joku huomasin tänään, kun astuin ulkopuolella paikka napata ilmaa.” (Sounds like someone I saw today when I stepped outside the venue to grab some air.) Jesse shrugged, lying down on his bed. “Vaikka hän oli hyvin kaunis, hän näytti enemmän traaginen. En ollut liian lähellä häntä, mutta siellä oli katulamppu juuri edellä hänen ja saatoin nähdä, että hänen kasvonsa olivat märät kyynelistä. Hän vaikutti. Hän näytti vihainen, peloissaan, järkyttää, kaikki kerralla. Hän nousi ja lähti ennen kuin voisin mennä ohi ja kysynyt onko hän kunnossa.” (Though she was very beautiful, she seemed more tragic. I wasn’t too close to her but there was a streetlight just above her and I could see that her face was wet with tears. She seemed. She seemed angry, frightened, upset, all at once. She got up and left before I could go over and ask if she was alright.)

Ville stopped, mid step towards the door. He turned to face Jesse with a raised brow, a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. “Oliko hänellä mustat hiukset? Kalpea iho? Suuri pähkinänruskeat silmät?” (Did she have black hair? Pale skin? Large hazel eyes?)

Jesse stared at Ville confused. “mistä tiesit?” (how did you know)

Fuck. I completely forgot, her father, something happened. Fucking Christ Liv, why didn’t she call me. “Pahoitteluni, mutta minun täytyy mennä. Hyvää yötä Jesse.” (My apologies but I need to go. Good night Jesse.) Before Jesse could reply Ville was out the door, walking as fast as he could towards his hotel room down the hall. He quickly opened his door, darting inside, grabbing the key card Liv had given him before rushing back out.

He had a bad feeling, deep down, it was eating away at him as he rode the elevator down to the second floor. He hurried out the doors, peering around him before stopping in front of Liv’s door. I should knock first, perhaps this over imaginative mind jumped to conclusions? He ran a hand through his curls, taking a deep breath before firmly knocking on Liv’s door. He waited, tapping his foot impatiently. After a few minutes he couldn’t wait any longer, he slid the key card in, ducking into Liv’s room as fast as he could, shutting the door behind him. The light was on, her purse lay half hazzardly thrown on her bed. “Liv?” Ville called out. Her suitcase sat open on the floor, clothing scattered all around it, a bottle of pills lay open inside her suitcase, the cap off, a few pills spilling out. His heart dropped. She, she didn’t. Worry coursed through him like a poison, his eyes rising from the bottle and settling on the washroom door, the light was on inside.

He didn’t waste any time, rushing across the room, twisting the knob, eternally thankful she hadn’t locked it, he threw back the door.

“Fuck!” He exclaimed as he took in the scene. Liv lay naked in the tub, one arm tangling over the edge, her body slumped to the side, mouth just barely above the water, eyes closed, unconscious, long black hair listlessly floating around her. He knelt down as fast as he could grabbing her by the chin with one hand, winding the other around her back, holding her by the side, keeping her head out of the water, which was cold. He shook her. “Liv!”

Relief washed through him as her eyelids began to flutter, her beautiful hazel eyes peeking through wet lashes. Ville tightly shut his eyes, taking in a deep jagged breath, his eye’s beginning to water, he opened them, staring down at Liv who looked around confused, settling her gaze on Ville’s still distraught countenance.

“Ville? What, what’s going on?” Her jaw began to quiver as she sat up, her chest heaving slightly, face awash in drowsiness.

“Jesse said he saw you, I, I rushed her and saw your sleeping pills and, fuck Liv! I saw you and I thought, I” He couldn’t get the words out, a tear rolling down his cheek. So completely relieved that Liv was okay, that she hadn’t, that, he wrapped his arms around her, holding her to him as tight as he could, unwilling to ever let go, her small frame soaking him.

Liv held him back, her arms around his neck, he could feel the sobs heaving in her chest. “Ville I, I would never do that to you, I, I’m sorry, I would never break that promise, it was just, you and my dad, I drank and and I got scared, the people I love always break my heart, I lose them, I” Her voice cracked from crying.

Ville rubbed her back soothingly, taking in deep breaths, she’s fine, she’s fine, she hadn’t overdosed, she was there, in his arms. “Shh Liv, I won’t ever break your heart, shh calm down. He gently unwound her arms from around his neck, giving her a calming smile, wiping the tears from her eyes. He slowly got up off the floor, grabbing a towel from the counter and holding it out for Liv, one hand extended to support her up, he could see the effects of the sleeping pills coursing through her still.

She grabbed hold of his hand and slowly got up, Ville wrapped the towel around her. He could see her lids droop, mind seemingly clouded, movements unsteady as she lifted a foot over the edge of the tub, almost falling, but Ville steadied her.

Liv looked up at him, chewing her bottom lip, which had begun to bleed, eyes still watery, “Ville I”

“Liv darling, you don’t have to tell me now, just, let me get you into bed, we’ll talk when you wake up.” He walked her to the bed, one arm around her back. He sat her down before he went to her suitcase to grab her some clothes to wear. He looked over his shoulder, she seemed to small, fragile, clutching the towel to her, eye’s slightly closed, a confused expression still on her face. He turned back sighing. He dug out a pair of underwear, plane black pajama shorts, and a worn dark blue Depeche Mode shirt. His breath caught in his throat, it was the same one she had had with her the day they’d met. He composed himself before getting up, placing the clothes next to Liv on the bed.

He knelt in front of her. If anything were to happen to her it would kill me, I know that now, I’d be a shell. Liv looked down at him with an expression of both joy and sorrow, she extended a hand, cupping Ville’s cheek. He leaned his face against her hand, closing his eyes. He kissed the inside of her palm gently, his lips lingers, before getting up. “Are you alright to change darling?”

Liv gave a week nod. Ville gave her a quick kiss on the top of the head before going around the bed, giving her some privacy. He sat down, fiddling with his rings as he heard the shuffle of clothing behind him.

The room light went out, but one of the bed side lamps were on, he turned, feeling the bed creak, Liv sat crossed legged over the covers, head resting in her hand. “Are you going to stay the night?” She mumbled earnestly, her lids beginning to close.

Ville gave a soft laugh. “My love, there is nowhere else I’d rather be than in your arms” He crawled onto the bed, kicking off his black boots and pulling the blanket out from under Liv. He sat, leaning, his upper back against the headboard and pulled Liv to his side, her head resting on his torso, arm draped over him, he pulled the blanket back over them, stroking Liv’s wet hair. Ville was still shaken from the shock he had suffered, opening the bathroom door and thinking that Liv had overdosed, but her tender arms holding him provided comfort. Something had gone wrong during dinner with her father, that was for certain, and their fight… Their ridiculous fight. She has no reason to be insecure, to doubt how I feel.

“Ville” Liv whispered tilting her head so she could look up at Ville behind practically closed lids.

“Yes darling. Get some rest” He traced circles across her back.

“Talk, please, tell me a story” Her head fell back on his chest.

Ville searched his mind, smiling to himself when he thought of just the tale to tell, hoping he could remember it correctly, no doubt though that she’ll be asleep before the first verse is done, he thought. “It was many and many a year ago, In a kingdom by the sea, That a maiden there lived whom you may know, By the name of Annabelle lee; And this maiden she lived with no other thought, Than to love and be loved by me.” He looked down feeling the steady rise and fall of Liv’s chest against his, her hand still clutching his side. He leant down and kissed the top of her head before resting his head against the headboard, his eyelids slowly closing.

***

Her mind slowly came to consciousness. What, what happened? Liv’s head felt heavy, a familiar feeling, sleeping pills, she concluded. When did I take sleeping pills? Beneath her she could feel a hard chest, rising and falling gently. She didn’t have to open her eyes to know who it was, the sound of his breathing, his smell, cigarettes and sweat, the feeling of his body, his large hand resting on her back. Liv opened her eyes. Her head lay on Ville’s chest, she looked up at him in the light of the bedside lamp, he was asleep, slumped against the headboard, chin on his chest, long lashes fanning out from his closed eyes, his hair a beautiful tangled mess of dark curls, slight stubble on his face. When did he come here?

And then it hit her. She sucked in a loud breath as the memory came back to her. Instantly Liv sat up winding her fingers into Ville’s hair and peppering his face with kisses.

“Liv?” He chuckled, waking up. A wide grin spreading on his face as he closed his eyes, letting Liv lay tender kisses on his lids too.

Liv brought a leg over and sat in his lap, straddling him. “I’m sorry Ville, I’m so sorry. I’m a stupid irrational little girl who got overly emotional and just, I’m sorry that you, I…” Words couldn’t describe how sorry she was.

He sighed, bringing his hand up to the side of Liv’s neck, “I had a near heart attack seeing you there, thinking the worse, but my love, when your eyes opened it was, the relief, it was enough to knock the wind out of me. You’re not a little girl and you’re not stupid, a tad bit irrational? Yes. But I love you for it. Though Liv, I don’t want to sound harsh but darling, I don’t ever want you to pull anything like that again. You’re not a teenager, you have responsibilities, you have people who care about you, you have people who love you, and dammit Liv, if something ever happened to you” His face crumpled in pain and he lowered his head, composing himself before he continued. “You didn’t have a repeat of that night but you could have, you also could have fallen asleep and drowned. Liv, I asked you to keep a promise, please keep it. If you’re upset I need you to talk to me, fuck if we’re in a fight, I’d still like you to come to me, with anything.”

Liv began twisting her fingers around the small inner ringlets of Ville’s hair. “I’ll never be good enough for you. I’m sorry, I never meant to hurt you and I promise not to do anything like that again, I, and as long as I love you, you won’t ever have to see me like you did when you first saw me, in a hospital, Ville I’m so sorry.” She ducked her head beneath his chin, resting her forehead on his chest.

“Now let me apologize darling.” His fingertips gently grazing her back. “I should have told you earlier, about Sandra. Darling you have nothing to worry about. She’s been trying to contact me, I’m not sure what for, but I haven’t been answering her call’s, I was waiting to speak with you first about it, not to ask permission, no, just to tell you so there wasn’t any surprises, though unfortunately there was, and I apologize. You have nothing to worry about, you’re insecurities have no ground darling, my heart is held captive by you and you alone. And like you so eloquently wrote in that beautiful love letter, I need you like a vampire needs blood. To add my own, I need you like the wolf needed little red. I’ll never be good enough for you.” His kissed the top of her head.

I feel like an idiot for ever doubting him. How could I? He’s wrong, he’s dead wrong, it’s me, I’ll never be good enough. Look at everything he has had to put up with! She clutched his hair tighter.

“Darling, could you excuse me for a moment, I need to use the washroom.” He reached up and unwound Liv’s fingers from his hair, bringing her hands to his lips.

Without saying a word Liv got off of him and lay down on the bed, burying her face into her pillow. Ville ran a hand down her back before getting up. Now I feel like absolute shit. What was I thinking? If mom was around, she would have said I wasn’t. I wasn’t thinking.

“It’s a little past 2a.m.” Ville said, emerging from the washroom. “Fallen back to sleep already?” He chuckled, climbing back into the bed next to Liv, she kept her face buried in frustration over her own stupidity.

“Nope. Just thinking about how idiotic I can be” Liv mumbled into the pillow.

Ville chuckled, running his hand through Liv’s hair. “You’re not idiotic, you had sound reason to be upset, you just exercised your emotional distress in the wrong way.” Liv shifted, turning onto her side to face him, looking into his emerald pools, which suddenly became serious. “Tell me what happened.”

Liv sighed, chewing her bottom Lip, tasting the blood again. She could see Ville’s disapproving glance, so she stopped. “Things didn’t go as I had hoped, they went exactly as I had dreaded however. He lied, he asked for money, he wasn’t clean and it just snapped something within me, or maybe that was the drinks I had beforehand, either way, I told him off. I was finally able to tell him how I felt after all this time of bottling it up. Basically he told me I was a mistake, I ruined his freedom, so I gave him the money he had asked for, telling him to forget me, okay no, I yelled, demanded, he erase me from his thoughts as if I hadn’t been born, than I angrily stormed off, falling apart as soon as I made it out onto the street.” Liv’s eyes began to water. Dammit, I’ve been crying all freakin day. “Eventually I made it back to the hotel and just, it just all took hold of me, my father, you, my mother. My mom left me, my father abandoned me and I became frightened that you might…”

“Liv” Ville whispered, his brows furrowing, sadness in his eyes.

Liv shut her lids, “I know. It’s just hard, when those I’ve loved left me alone, there’s always going to be this pocket of pain in me I guess, sometimes it opens and up and just fucks up everything, and I fall apart.” A tear slipped from her eye.

She felt Ville move closer, wiping away her tear with his thumb, his hand lingering on her cheek, bringing his lips to her ear, “Then we’ll fall apart together”

[Recommendation: Listen to, Fade To Black by Metallica once through from here on]

Slowly Liv stretched out her neck and brought her lips to his quickly giving him a peck, but something was different, her eyes flashed open, she could see it in him too, he had felt it. His eyes clouded over with hunger, his breath picked up and all at once his hands were tangled into her black curls, pulling her back to him hurriedly. Liv’s hand rested on his cheek but slowly slid down his neck, over his shoulder as his lips moved against hers slowly, longingly, soft and supple, teeth grazing them. Their bodies, pressed up against one another, began to move together with the tension of their deep kiss until suddenly Ville’s hands were locked onto Liv’s hips. He pulled her to him and on top of him as he shifted onto his back. He trailed kisses down her jaw, sending shivers down her spine. She let out a small moan as he nipped the base of her neck, she could feel his smile against her neck at her reaction, than he nipped again. Liv smirked, twisting her fingers around his locks and pulling his head back, she sat up, straddling him, he grinned up at her, his hands gripping the edges of her shirt and swiftly he pulled it up, dropping it off the side of the bed. Liv’s body quivered as she watched his gaze on her chest, hunger arising in his green eyes. He rose, clutching Liv’s lower back with one hand, the metal of his rings cold, his fingertips digging into her flesh as his lips urgently crushes against hers, his other hand, fingertips just barely grazing her skin, painstakingly slowly streamed up from her pelvis, rising until his large warm hand enveloped her small breast. Liv’s breath hitched in her throat as Ville’s thumb smoothed over her hard nipple. His breathing picked up with desire, filling the hotel room. Their kissing rising in intensity, Ville’s teeth locking around Liv’s lower lip. He pulled back and quickly ripped off his shirt, sending it flying across the room, he couldn’t bring his lips back to Liv’s fast enough.

“You don’t know how much I want you” Liv managed to let out between labored breaths and Ville’s tongue in her mouth.

“Show me” He growled, flipping Liv onto her back, his strong arms holding himself up, over her, eyes dark with yearning staring down at her.

She brought her lips up to Ville’s chest, running them across the tattooed woman, she dug her nails into his side with one hand as the other outlined the heartagram around his nipple, he sucked in a jagged breath, his hands rushing to her shorts, sliding them down. Liv kicked them off, falling back onto the bed, her breathing caught in her throat as Ville brought his hands back to her sides, lingering over her panties. She looked up at him with eagerness, there was indecision in his eyes. Ville shook his head clear, all inhibition vanishing, his hands balled into fists around the gray lace, pulling them down slowly, trailing down the length of Liv’s body, nose slid down her leg, goose bumps rising all over Liv, as he pulled them over Liv’s feet. Her eyes clenched together, her hands clutching at the bed, chin raised to the roof as Ville’s hands stream up the side of her calves, thighs, hips, ribs, until he brought his lips to her ear.

“Where are they” He mumbled hoarsely, his hot breath cascading over her.

“Drawer” Liv managed to whisper, her eyes still closed tightly, her body shivering with anticipation.

She felt Ville get off of her, heard the clink of his rings against his belt buckle, the muffle of his pants and boxers falling to the ground, the dull roll of the drawer opening, a package ripping, then suddenly he was on her again, holding himself up, slightly muscular arms on either side of Liv’s face.

Liv opened her eyes, biting her lip. “light?”

“No darling, I’d like to see your face.” He slowly lowered himself, roughly kissing Liv before whispering against her lips, “This is going to hurt”, if you need me to stop, I can”

In response Liv dug her nails into Ville’s back, biting his lower lip, her eyes shut tight as she opened her legs for him. He slowly slid into her. Liv’s breathing stopped, Ville paused with concern until Liv’s body shifted beneath him, unable to stand the pause, then he thrust into her. Liv let out a whimper, biting her lip to keep from crying out, her nails dug deeper into Ville’s back, he thrust into her again, his lips on her neck, kissing, biting, panting.

“I love you” He whispered before picking up speed.

Liv moaned aloud, fueling Ville to move faster inside of her. Sweat began to form over their writhing body’s, hips colliding rapidly. Liv’s lip began to bleed more as she bit harder, it hurt, but she didn’t want him to stop, she didn’t want him to ever stop. Hair clinging to their soaked faces, their panting filling the room. Liv let a cry as Ville thrust, harder, faster, and faster, until he reached down with one hand, fingers encircling her clit and all at once her stomach began to quiver. He body began to tingle beneath him, he could feel it, he thrust harder, massaged more with his thumb, sending Liv over the edge. She sucked in a loud, jagged breath of ecstasy, her walls closing around him, her orgasm lighting a fire within her, causing her hips to thrust against Ville’s as her legs clenched together. That was all he needed, he let out a low rumbling moan as he gave one final trust before he himself came.

They lay against one another, panting, small aftershocks rippling through both of them. Slowly their labored breaths evened and the room grew quiet. Ville lifted his head from Liv’s chest, hair plastered to his face, tenderly he kissed a trail up from between Liv’s breast’s up to the base of her neck, leaning his face over hers, wiping the blood from Liv’s lower lip before gently kissing it. He stared down at her, watching her reaction before, as gently as he could, he pulled out of her, concern in his eyes as Liv winced.

“Are you alright love?” He asked, smoothing back Liv’s hair.

She smiled to herself. “Euphoric.” The corners of her mouth twitched up, causing Ville to grin. “Words just won’t do, but I hope ‘I love you’ will suffice”

Ville chuckled. “Come” He raised himself up and got up off of Liv, sliding off the bed. Liv looked at him smirking, her eye’s wandering to his lower heartagram tattoo. He turned, sliding off the condom, than faced Liv again. He leant across the bed, tucking his arms under Liv, scooping her up.

“Ville! You’re going to drop me, I’m too heavy” Liv squirmed, her arms tightly wound around his neck.

“Oh shut up with that” He teased, kissing her on the cheek. He carried her across the room and set her gently down in the small washroom. He flicked on the light and quickly turned on the shower, steam instantly rising, filling the washroom. “After you” He smiled, holding the shower curtain open for her.

Liv raised a leg to step over the edge of the tub, wincing in pain. Ville’s hands hovered over her, unsure of what to do.

“I, I’m sorry” He said concerned.

Liv raised a hand, stopping him. “Don’t be” She stepped over, despite the pain and stood beneath the shower head, hot water washing over her, steam swirling around in a halo around her body.

Ville stepped in after her, pulling the shower curtain shut. Liv faced the wall, the steaming water running down her back. She fell Ville move her hair away from her back, tucking it to one side, placing a light kiss on her shoulder blade before slowly lathering her back with soap. The water washing it off. She moved so Ville could join under the hot stream, she took the soap from him and began spreading it across his abs. “So, she smirked, not as fragile as you thought am I?”

“Oh darling” He placed a finger beneath her chin, gazing into her eyes with a mirroring smirk “you’ll always be fragile to me.” Liv rolled her eyes and motioned for him to turn around so she could do his back. He blew her a teasing kiss before turning around. Liv sucked in a breath of shock.

“What?” asked Ville concerned.

“Um, well, let’s just say Poe won’t be seeing for a while” She gazed down at the deep indentations left by her nails, at the scratches running across the sombre set of dark eyes. “I’ve clawed his eyes out”

***

“Liv! Turn that fucking thing off or answer it” Ville grumbled, gently shoving Liv’s shoulder next to him.

“It’s yours” She grumbled, turning over so her back was to him, bringing the blanket up over her head.

Ville slowly opened his lids, who the fuck is calling at this ungodly hour. Grumbling he peered over the edge of the bed, spotting his jeans in a pile on the floor. He leaned down and dug into his pocket, pulling out the phone. He looked at the time, it was nearly 10a.m. He checked the caller ID. He didn’t recognize the number but answered it anyway.

“Hello?”

“Hey nidiot”