Status: active
Heartaches Knocking on Her Door
Chapter 1 - Dive in this emptiness and hold your breath on your way down
May 3rd 2013
“Liv, are you sure you don’t want to come with us? I’m sure someone will be selling extra tickets outside?”
It had been a month since her mother had passed away, a long, agonizing month full of tears, paper work, and social obligations. Her pretty smile had been put on display while behind closed doors she had wept, thrashing against walls with the knowledge that all she had left in the world was gone. Of course Liv still had Marcus, her roommate and best friend, but he wasn’t enough.
Liv looked up from her book, The Picture of Dorian Gray, as she sat in PJ’s upon her made bed. She knew he only asked because he didn’t want to leave her alone. Marcus had diligently sat with Liv throughout many a night, holding her, watching her like a shadow, afraid she would do something rash. She couldn’t hold him back, not tonight, not when one of his favorite bands were in town, not when he had barely seen his girlfriend since the death of Liv’s mother.
“Yes yes, go! Please, I’ll be fine, promise” Liv tried to give a reassuring smile as Marcus hesitated at her bedroom door. She loved him to death but honestly he was slightly embarrassing her with his protectiveness in front of his girlfriend Hanna. Though she was sure Hanna wouldn’t mind, she was so kind and gentle. But really, Liv wanted to go, wanted to go really bad, but she couldn’t handle large crowds, not just yet, though she was sure that the music would take over her, allowing her to forget all her new found anxiety.
Liv got up, shooing the pair out the door and down the hall of their apartment to the front door.
“Now go, and have a wonderful time. Hanna, try not to get too turned on by that hunk of a lead singer, and Marcus, same goes for you” Liv winked as she shoved Marcus and Hanna out the door, watching them as they excitedly walked down the hall of the apartment complex, headed to the concert venue. They were dressed in all black with matching heartagram shirts, and, holding hands, Marcus’ caramel skin contrasting with Hanna’s cream, the two turned the corner out of sight.
Liv returned back to her room, heading for her book, but she suddenly stopped in front of her mirror. She had gotten into the habit in the past month of constantly looking into the mirror to remember what her mom had looked like, since they had resembled each other in many ways. Today was different though. Liv didn’t see her mom, she just saw herself. Hazel eyes staring back at her from a face framed with wavy black hair, she was tall with an average build, though Liv constantly thought it was on the verge of chubby, despite refusals from Marcus. Liv wore her favorite worn and beaten Depeche Mode shirt with a pair of Nightmare Before Christmas pajama bottoms.
Thoughts swirling around, Liv thought on how her mother, at the age she was now, two months into 21, had had her, had had a family, was an adult. Liv kept waiting for that feeling, but she never felt like an adult.
Suddenly Liv burst into tears. Why? Why did she have to go, she was all there was left. And it was true, Liv’s mother had been the last of her immediate family, she still had a grandfather living in Brooklyn and a grandmother in Hungary, but she barely talked to them.
“FUCK!” Liv screamed. She didn’t care if her neighbors heard, they could go ahead and complain for all she cared. A month of tears had led up to pent up anger, anger at the world, at herself, at her mom, though the heart attack wasn’t her mom’s fault.
An excruciating headache began to form and Liv kicked herself internally for her emotional outburst, she had to learn to accept what had happened. She put her book aside and grabbed the bottle of prescribed sleeping pills her doctor had given her. Dry swallowing a normal dosage Liv turned off her lights and went to bed. It was only 7 p.m., Marcus is probably just getting into The House of Blues now, Liv thought as she closed her eyes.
An hour and a half later Liv awoke suddenly covered in sweat, tears streaming down her face, still shaking from her dream, she had dreamt about her mother’s passing again. How she had witnessed the entire heart attack, unable to help her mom as the life slipped from her, sirens blaring in the distance. Liv grabbed for the bottle of pills and downed a few more, at least that’s what she thought, it had been significantly more than a few however. Wiping her tears away she went back to sleep.
***
He didn’t hate needles per say, but they really fuckin sucked. The doctor smiled reassuringly as the needle pierced the flesh of Ville’s inked forearm and the steroids were injected, supposedly they were going to bring down the inflammation. He had already been given bronchodilators.
A half hour earlier he had been coughing his guts out in the ER wing of the LA hospital. There was still blood spatters on his red button down shirt where he had coughed. When the asthma attack had hit backstage at the venue, Ville had fallen to his knee’s as his lungs heaved, as he gasped for air while coughing up blood. Seppo had immediately called for an ambulance and the show had been canceled. And it was our first fuckin show of the tour, Ville thought angrily as the doctor began to prescribe various medications. Seppo ardently listening to the instructions for each for he had noticed Ville’s preoccupation.
Not only did Ville feel like shit from his asthma attack, a lingering ache in his chest, but he felt like shit for the cancelled concert. After 3 years, returning to perform in North America, first concert back and he has to go and ruin it, for the band, for the venue, and for the fans, by his fuckin asthma. He made a mental to note to not smoke an entire pack of Marlboro’s right before a show next time. Fuck well I was nervous okay? At least I didn’t down two packs of beers like at Helldone, he thought, but at least than there was still a show…
Ville turned to look out of the open doorway as he heard a sudden commotion approaching his hospital room.
“Liv! Liv! Listen to me, you have three types of sleeping pills, we need to know which one you took. Liv wake up!”
“We are going to have to pump her stomach”
The source of the commotion passed the open doorway. A young women was being carried in a rush on a gurney by paramedics. Her black waves spilling over the side of the gurney, swaying alongside her seemingly lifeless arm which had also slipped off the gurney. A few hospital staff and a young man in a black heartagram tee shirt rushed alongside the paramedics.
Ville got up to see where the group was going. Was the girl dead? Did this happen at the concert? The paramedics suddenly turned into a room a couple of doors down from his. Ville kept hearing “live,” is she dying? He thought. He waited, watching the room from his doorway. Ville quickly peered over at the doctor and Seppo, who were in a deep discussion on how Ville had to change his habits in order to avoid another severe asthma attack. Turning back to the other room Ville saw the young man being ushered out by what looked to be a nurse. The two stood out in the hallway, oblivious to Ville’s eavesdropping.
“Liv is going to be fine. It’s a good thing that you came upon her when you did, keeping her awake until the ambulance got there. Now we are going to keep her over night to make sure that the overdose wasn’t intentional, and if everything is alright than she can go home in the morning, but until then I suggest that after you fill out the paperwork, you go home and rest. We will call you when Liv is being discharged tomorrow.”
“Alright, can I leave her a note?” The young man solemnly asked.
“Of course, there should be pen and paper in the lobby”
The young man nodded and headed back the way he had come earlier, Ville dipped back into his room and joined the conversation between the doctor and Seppo.
“Bottom line doctor, can I perform tomorrow night?” Ville interrupted.
“well yes, but you need to get a new inhaler and must religiously use it. Also, no smoking, but if you must, cut down to at least 1/3 your regular amount. Now if you’ll follow me there is some paperwork for you to fill out Mr. Valo.”
***
Head aching, Ville finished the last of the paperwork. Seppo had fallen asleep next to him in the lobby. He wondered what the rest of the guys were up to, if they were angry at him at all. Ville also wondered what had become of the young women, Liv.
The hospital was quiet and still as he got up and handed in the papers to the nurse at the front test, motioning that he was going to find a washroom before he left. He didn’t know what he was doing, maybe he was over exhausted, or it was the medication, or he had gone mad, there was just something so beautifully tragic about the young women with black hair, and so his feet had somehow taken him to “Liv’s” room.
“Liv, are you sure you don’t want to come with us? I’m sure someone will be selling extra tickets outside?”
It had been a month since her mother had passed away, a long, agonizing month full of tears, paper work, and social obligations. Her pretty smile had been put on display while behind closed doors she had wept, thrashing against walls with the knowledge that all she had left in the world was gone. Of course Liv still had Marcus, her roommate and best friend, but he wasn’t enough.
Liv looked up from her book, The Picture of Dorian Gray, as she sat in PJ’s upon her made bed. She knew he only asked because he didn’t want to leave her alone. Marcus had diligently sat with Liv throughout many a night, holding her, watching her like a shadow, afraid she would do something rash. She couldn’t hold him back, not tonight, not when one of his favorite bands were in town, not when he had barely seen his girlfriend since the death of Liv’s mother.
“Yes yes, go! Please, I’ll be fine, promise” Liv tried to give a reassuring smile as Marcus hesitated at her bedroom door. She loved him to death but honestly he was slightly embarrassing her with his protectiveness in front of his girlfriend Hanna. Though she was sure Hanna wouldn’t mind, she was so kind and gentle. But really, Liv wanted to go, wanted to go really bad, but she couldn’t handle large crowds, not just yet, though she was sure that the music would take over her, allowing her to forget all her new found anxiety.
Liv got up, shooing the pair out the door and down the hall of their apartment to the front door.
“Now go, and have a wonderful time. Hanna, try not to get too turned on by that hunk of a lead singer, and Marcus, same goes for you” Liv winked as she shoved Marcus and Hanna out the door, watching them as they excitedly walked down the hall of the apartment complex, headed to the concert venue. They were dressed in all black with matching heartagram shirts, and, holding hands, Marcus’ caramel skin contrasting with Hanna’s cream, the two turned the corner out of sight.
Liv returned back to her room, heading for her book, but she suddenly stopped in front of her mirror. She had gotten into the habit in the past month of constantly looking into the mirror to remember what her mom had looked like, since they had resembled each other in many ways. Today was different though. Liv didn’t see her mom, she just saw herself. Hazel eyes staring back at her from a face framed with wavy black hair, she was tall with an average build, though Liv constantly thought it was on the verge of chubby, despite refusals from Marcus. Liv wore her favorite worn and beaten Depeche Mode shirt with a pair of Nightmare Before Christmas pajama bottoms.
Thoughts swirling around, Liv thought on how her mother, at the age she was now, two months into 21, had had her, had had a family, was an adult. Liv kept waiting for that feeling, but she never felt like an adult.
Suddenly Liv burst into tears. Why? Why did she have to go, she was all there was left. And it was true, Liv’s mother had been the last of her immediate family, she still had a grandfather living in Brooklyn and a grandmother in Hungary, but she barely talked to them.
“FUCK!” Liv screamed. She didn’t care if her neighbors heard, they could go ahead and complain for all she cared. A month of tears had led up to pent up anger, anger at the world, at herself, at her mom, though the heart attack wasn’t her mom’s fault.
An excruciating headache began to form and Liv kicked herself internally for her emotional outburst, she had to learn to accept what had happened. She put her book aside and grabbed the bottle of prescribed sleeping pills her doctor had given her. Dry swallowing a normal dosage Liv turned off her lights and went to bed. It was only 7 p.m., Marcus is probably just getting into The House of Blues now, Liv thought as she closed her eyes.
An hour and a half later Liv awoke suddenly covered in sweat, tears streaming down her face, still shaking from her dream, she had dreamt about her mother’s passing again. How she had witnessed the entire heart attack, unable to help her mom as the life slipped from her, sirens blaring in the distance. Liv grabbed for the bottle of pills and downed a few more, at least that’s what she thought, it had been significantly more than a few however. Wiping her tears away she went back to sleep.
***
He didn’t hate needles per say, but they really fuckin sucked. The doctor smiled reassuringly as the needle pierced the flesh of Ville’s inked forearm and the steroids were injected, supposedly they were going to bring down the inflammation. He had already been given bronchodilators.
A half hour earlier he had been coughing his guts out in the ER wing of the LA hospital. There was still blood spatters on his red button down shirt where he had coughed. When the asthma attack had hit backstage at the venue, Ville had fallen to his knee’s as his lungs heaved, as he gasped for air while coughing up blood. Seppo had immediately called for an ambulance and the show had been canceled. And it was our first fuckin show of the tour, Ville thought angrily as the doctor began to prescribe various medications. Seppo ardently listening to the instructions for each for he had noticed Ville’s preoccupation.
Not only did Ville feel like shit from his asthma attack, a lingering ache in his chest, but he felt like shit for the cancelled concert. After 3 years, returning to perform in North America, first concert back and he has to go and ruin it, for the band, for the venue, and for the fans, by his fuckin asthma. He made a mental to note to not smoke an entire pack of Marlboro’s right before a show next time. Fuck well I was nervous okay? At least I didn’t down two packs of beers like at Helldone, he thought, but at least than there was still a show…
Ville turned to look out of the open doorway as he heard a sudden commotion approaching his hospital room.
“Liv! Liv! Listen to me, you have three types of sleeping pills, we need to know which one you took. Liv wake up!”
“We are going to have to pump her stomach”
The source of the commotion passed the open doorway. A young women was being carried in a rush on a gurney by paramedics. Her black waves spilling over the side of the gurney, swaying alongside her seemingly lifeless arm which had also slipped off the gurney. A few hospital staff and a young man in a black heartagram tee shirt rushed alongside the paramedics.
Ville got up to see where the group was going. Was the girl dead? Did this happen at the concert? The paramedics suddenly turned into a room a couple of doors down from his. Ville kept hearing “live,” is she dying? He thought. He waited, watching the room from his doorway. Ville quickly peered over at the doctor and Seppo, who were in a deep discussion on how Ville had to change his habits in order to avoid another severe asthma attack. Turning back to the other room Ville saw the young man being ushered out by what looked to be a nurse. The two stood out in the hallway, oblivious to Ville’s eavesdropping.
“Liv is going to be fine. It’s a good thing that you came upon her when you did, keeping her awake until the ambulance got there. Now we are going to keep her over night to make sure that the overdose wasn’t intentional, and if everything is alright than she can go home in the morning, but until then I suggest that after you fill out the paperwork, you go home and rest. We will call you when Liv is being discharged tomorrow.”
“Alright, can I leave her a note?” The young man solemnly asked.
“Of course, there should be pen and paper in the lobby”
The young man nodded and headed back the way he had come earlier, Ville dipped back into his room and joined the conversation between the doctor and Seppo.
“Bottom line doctor, can I perform tomorrow night?” Ville interrupted.
“well yes, but you need to get a new inhaler and must religiously use it. Also, no smoking, but if you must, cut down to at least 1/3 your regular amount. Now if you’ll follow me there is some paperwork for you to fill out Mr. Valo.”
***
Head aching, Ville finished the last of the paperwork. Seppo had fallen asleep next to him in the lobby. He wondered what the rest of the guys were up to, if they were angry at him at all. Ville also wondered what had become of the young women, Liv.
The hospital was quiet and still as he got up and handed in the papers to the nurse at the front test, motioning that he was going to find a washroom before he left. He didn’t know what he was doing, maybe he was over exhausted, or it was the medication, or he had gone mad, there was just something so beautifully tragic about the young women with black hair, and so his feet had somehow taken him to “Liv’s” room.
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