Heartaches Knocking on Her Door

[Sept 11th, 2013, Edmonton, Canada]

“Are you sure? I can just do it after the show? Fuck, I don’t wanna be any trouble or anything? I just thought that, you guys are her favorite band and and”

“Marcus, it’s quite alright, leave everything to me and I’ll make sure everything is ready for your proposal” Ville laughed bringing his free hand up on the table that he and Liv sat at by the small Starbucks inside the airport.

Liv couldn’t help but grin to herself at Marcus’s nervousness, he’d talked to Ville a couple of times before, but every time he was star struck, chattering away. She looked up at Ville as he inched his fingertips to Liv’s. He was dressed for travel, plain black sweater, light gray Turbonegro tee shirt underneath, black jeans, black beanie atop his head, hair tucked underneath. He’d begun to grow out his facial hair on his chin and upper lip, much to Liv’s delight, though she had yet to tell him. She leaned across the table, bringing her mouth the phone.

“Marcus this is possibly the smartest idea you’ve ever had” Liv said, talking to Marcus who was on speaker phone. “and don’t worry about a thing, Ville and I will make sure everything goes off without a hitch. Fuck, I’m so excited for you, Hanna is going to love it”

“Jesus fuck, hopefully! Sorry Ville if I sound like some fan girl but shit man, you’re one of my idols, I mean, all the guys in HIM are my idols and having you guys involved in this proposal just makes it all a million times more stressful and amazing and wow. Okay okay, I’m calm, fuck, alright, I should go, Hanna will be home soon, and you guys have a flight to catch. Have fun you guys, and thanks again. Oh, and Ville?”

“Hmm?” He laced his fingers with Liv’s as he stared into her eyes, holding the phone up between them.

“I’m counting on you to not let Liv get too fucked up alright?”
“I’ll try my best” Ville said, smiling as he looked down as his fingers locked with Liv’s.

“By Marcus, see you on the 16th” Liv said with excitement. The prospect of finally getting to see Marcus again after so long, her best friend, her rock for so long, it made her immeasurably happy. She sighed, a grin on her face as Marcus hung up and Ville set Liv’s phone down.

“What does Marcus think about what happened with your father?” Ville asked, becoming serious.

Liv looked away, “He thinks I could have handled the situation better, but he says at least I have some sort of closure, and that I should take solace in that fact.” Liv shrugged, bringing her eyes back to Ville’s.

“He’s very smart then, and you should, take solace in that.” He gave Liv a comforting look. After the dinner she had had with her father, she’d tried to dispel the memory from her mind, act as if it all hadn’t happened, but it had been clawing at her mind. One night of drinking with some of the roadies in Las Vegas, Liv had made two emotional phone calls, first to Ville, who, though out with a few music friends from the area, had managed to sneak off to a corner to call and comfort Liv as best he could, utterly frustrated that he couldn’t leave to actually be with her in the flesh, and one to Marcus, whom she’d finally told about her father.

“Have I told you how completely breathtaking you look today?” Ville whispered, bringing his other hand over and holding Liv’s slender hand between both of his.

Liv scoffed. They had had to wake up around six that morning since Bam had booked their flight over to Westchester at eight. Liv barely had had time to get ready, quickly scrambling to get her things together, her alarm clock having not gone off in time, though luckily Ville had called to wake her. She’d hurriedly tied her hair up in a messy bun, throwing on a pair of black leggings, a large oversized deep crimson sweater, and her black spiked boots, tossed all her belongings together into her suitcase, purse, and photography gear bag before racing out her room to find Ville waiting outside, ready to help her bring her things down. “I look like crap.” She said bluntly. “and I barely slept last night, I think maybe I fell asleep around five. I haven’t slept well since, since well our last night in Tulsa.”

Ville rolled his eyes. “You do not kultaseni, and I believe that that was the last night I was able to sneak over to visit you.”

Liv sighed, bringing her coffee cup to her lips with her free hand. She didn’t need Ville to remind her that that last night in Tulsa had been the last night he’d spent in her hotel room. She’d been frustrated all week about the fact, and she knew he was too. It fuckin sucks having sex with someone one night and then barely being able to touch them for a week, Liv thought, biting her lip. She wondered if Ville felt the same way, if he was as frustrated, if, like her, his mind would wander back to the night he’d slept over, the night he’d stripped her of her clothes, kissed her all over, entered her, thrown her over the edge of the world into euphoria. Liv began to blush at the memory and looked away.

Ville smiled to himself knowingly as he saw Liv’s blush. “Liv, if I had it my way I would have spent every night since then with you, had you every which way, but this is what we signed up for when we decided to keep this a secret. Honestly I have half a mind to carry you off and just take you in some secluded corner of this airport. Believe me, I’m as frustrated.” He gave Liv’s hand a squeeze before letting go and sipping at his own cup of coffee, black.

He shouldn’t say things like that, Liv thought. If I wasn’t forcefully keeping my mouth shut I would agree in a heartbeat and drag him away, then we’d probably miss our flight, and miss the parties.

The two sat in comfortable silence, looking out the large glass windows of the airport at the cloudy Edmonton day, drinking their coffee’s, thinking, waiting for their boarding call. Liv’s mind had begun to wander to Bam, to Nikki’s bachelorette party, to what awaited her and Ville once they got to Westchester.

“Nervous?” Ville asked suddenly, breaking the silence. He scooted his chair around the table so he was closer to Liv.

Liv looked up from her coffee cup, tucking a strand of her hair away. “Umm, no?”

“Liar” Ville frowned, bringing his forehead to Liv’s, his hand up to her cheek. “That poor bottom lip of yours Liv, give it a break. Now tell me, what is there to worry about?”

He’s too intuitive for his own good, Liv thought as she stopped biting her lip. She had been worrying, she’d been worrying the whole week leading up to their trip. “Bam and Nikki are great, they’re wonderful, but you know how I’m like around new people, I’m going to have to actually be social with strangers, I mean, I only got use to all the roadies last month, I’m going to be a mumbling idiot.”

“Oh shush” Ville smiled. “You aren’t as bad as you think. Besides love, you won’t have any time to think twice about being socially awkward, the liquor will be flowing in excess.”

“Will I finally get to see you smashed? I mean, I’ve seen you drunk, that last night in Oulu, but I have yet to see you really intoxicated.”

Ville gave a small chuckled, keeping his forehead against Liv’s, “You just might, that is, if the two parties join at the end of the night. I’ll promise to be on my most gentlemanly behavior though.”

“Don’t” Liv smirked, “Just be you.”

Ville smiled and leaned in to give Liv a quick kiss, his lips having just barely touched hers when he suddenly stopped and pulled away, sitting up straight. Liv looked around confused, noticing a shy looking young women standing at the end of their table looking from Liv to Ville. She was short with a short boyish haircut and turquois hair. She wore a black Nine Inch Nails tee shirt under a plain green sweater and black jeans.

“Um hi, sorry if I’m interrupting, uh, are you Ville Valo?” The girl asked.

Was I like that when I first saw Ville, in the hospital? Liv thought.

Ville plastered on a warm smile, “Yes, hello there dear”

The girls eyes lit up, she quickly dug into her purse and pulled out a pen and a random scrap of paper and stuck them out. “Could you please please sign this?”

It was unlike Liv ever forgot the fact that Ville was the lead singer of a famous band, being on tour with them, seeing the audiences, being at the signing tents reminded her of that fact, yet it would always surprise Liv a bit whenever he was stopped out in public. She sat back in her chair, hiding her smile with her coffee cup.

“Of course” He grinned, taking the paper and pen from the wide eyed girl and signing the paper with his beautiful signature. Liv peeked over at the paper, Ville had also added that the girl had lovely hair and that she should live long and prosper. He handed back the paper and pen.

“Thank you! Um, do you think I could get a picture with you?” The girl asked nervously, clutching the signed paper, shuffling from one foot to the other.

“I’ll take it” Liv smiled, standing up.

The fan raised her hand, shaking her head. “No no no no no, you’re Liv Manning right?” Liv paused, stunned. She looked to Ville who had begun to laugh at her reaction and turned back to the girl, nodding. “Could you be in the picture too?” The girl didn’t wait for Liv to respond, not that she could, she was still too confused. The fan turned and waved over an older woman, her mother, to come take the picture.

Ville got up out of his seat and went to stand on the other end of the table as the girls mom made her way over. He snapped his fingers in front of Liv’s face, laughing as she snapped out of it and went to join his around the table.

The young girl, grinning ear to ear, stood between Ville and Liv as her mother quickly snapped a few photo’s. Liv followed Ville’s example and stood close to the girl, who was a little shorter than her, and smiled warmly into the camera.

“Thank you so much, thank you thank you. Ville your music has really helped me over the years and, it just means a lot that, thank you.” The fan stuttered, facing Ville, the signed piece of paper still secured in her grasp.

“It’s no trouble dear” Ville laughed.

Liv was about to sit back down when the girl suddenly turned to her too. “Liv, your photography is just really amazing, not just your HIM shots, but all the other work you’ve done at the summer festivals.”

“Oh” Liv blushed, tucking a loose strand of hair back into her bun. “Um thank you, it was really nice meeting you”

“Ella” The girl grinned.

“Ella” Liv repeated, smiling back at her, touched that the girl had actually known her work, yet still in shock that she had been recognized at all.

“Have a good day Ella” Ville said as the girl reluctantly walked away, giving one last wave and longing look at Ville before her mother finally dragged her away. Ville turned towards Liv, taking a seat, a smirk on his face.

Liv sat down, wide eyed. “That was, that was weird.” She wrapped her hands around her coffee cup, a furrow on her brow, trying to figure out what exactly had just happened.

Ville chuckled. “Your face love, it’s priceless.”

Liv rolled her eyes. “Well of course that whole thing was normal for you, but who am I really? I just take pictures. How did she know who I was, and not even that, she actually recognized me. I don’t understand, all I do is take pictures in the shadows.” Liv sat stunned.

Suddenly the PA system in the airport announced their boarding call to the Philadelphia International Airport. The two stood, grabbing their carry-ons. Ville grabbed Liv’s empty coffee cup from the table and threw it out, quickly joining Liv’s side.

“You know darling, you’re far more well known then you perceive yourself to be.” Ville smiled as they began to walk over to their gate. “You’ve done a few articles, you’ve been mentioned quite a few times in various magazines, you’re photographs are always credited, hell you’re even in some pictures with me and the guys by other photographers, plus I’m sure fans have seen you around regularly. Liv, you aren’t some wall flower, this might happen more often in the future.” His large ringed hand enveloped hers, bringing it up to his lips. He gave her a quick kiss before letting her hand go. “You should really learn to realize your true self-worth love.”

***

“You’re ridiculous” Liv mumbled, shaking her head, accepting the lighter Ville handed her, and lighting her cigarette.

“Why? The parties are joining at the Hilton, and it’s not far from here, I thought it was a suitable enough hotel to book.” Ville shrugged with an innocent smile as he sat down next to Liv on the small iron bench outside the airport, Marlboro hanging from his lips.

After landing at the Philadelphia International Airport around 3, Ville and Liv had quickly gathered their suitcases and rushed outside into the dim light of the cloudy Philadelphian day, eager to stretch their limbs and have a smoke before they headed over to their hotel.

“But Ville, the room is going to be ridiculously expensive. I insist on paying half” It’s just stupid to spend so much money on some fancy hotel room if we are only going to be there one night. Liv brought her cigarette to her lips, kicking over her suitcase and resting her feet on top of it.

Ville took a deep drag of his Marlboro, smiling to himself as he looked down at the ground, small raindrops beginning to fall against the pavement which wasn’t under cover, their soft tinkering sound filling the air. “I insist that you don’t pay a dime, I’ll pick any hotel I want to darling” He turned to Liv, grinning. “and besides love, this is a vacation, a vacation in which I get one whole day alone with you, one whole day and a night, a night in which I’ll have you crying ‘more more more’” He blew his smoke in Liv’s direction.

Liv rolled her eyes, bushing. “yeah, but only once we leave the party, because, and I quote ‘there will be cameras and phones there darling, we should really try to keep our distance at the party, I’ll make it up to you, sorry love’” Liv brought her cigarette to her lips. Ville had lectured her on the flight over that acting as a couple, though away from the band and people they knew well, was still risky at the party, considering the amount of pictures and video’s that were likely to be taken. Silly me to think that I could actually act like I was with him for two seconds, Liv thought in frustration. If what Ville said back at the airport about me being well known, I must have enough credit as a photography to be taken seriously if Ville and I come out as a couple? Right?

Suddenly a sleek silver car with partially tinted windows and large polished rims, incredibly loud music blasting from within, which Liv recognized to be Turbonegro’s ‘Sell Your Body’, screeched to a halt next to the curb in front of Liv and Ville. She sat up, a raised brow, and looked over to Ville. He was smiling ear to ear as he got up just as the door of the car opened, the music becoming louder. Ville stood at the edge of the curb grinning as Bam’s head poked out from the top of his Porche Panamera. Liv was surprised, the last she’d seen of him had been back in Oulu and a few pictures on the internet, he’d been covered in paint, ripped clothing, silly string. Now, as he stepped around the corner, he looked completely different. He wore a clean black beanie, large dark sunglasses, a plain black tee shirt, dark purple scarf, dark blue jeans, neat beard.

Bam took off his sunglasses, smiling. “Valo” He step around Ville and Liv’s suitcases and grabbed a laughing Ville in a large hug.

“What on earth are you doing here?” Ville laughed as Bam set him back down.

Liv went over and stood at Ville’s side, Bam hadn’t noticed her at first but as soon as he saw her he threw his arm around her in a half hug, keeping his arm around her shoulder as he spoke. “Well isn’t it Ville’s new chick” He smirked. ”Thought I’d come get you two fuckers from the airport, squish you in the back of my ride and take you over to castle Bam for a bit, to hang out before tonight, and don’t give me any of that ‘I’m tired from the flight’ bullshit’ you guys are only here for one night and I probably won’t see you for a while, so suck it up”

Liv smiled up at Bam “I guess we don’t have a choice do we?”

“nope” Bam said before grabbing Liv’s suitcase off the ground and wheeling it to the back of his car, popping the trunk.

Ville grabbed his own suitcase and tossed it in the back of Bam’s surprisingly large trunk. “So did you just drive around the airport hoping to find us?” Ville laughed as he held the back door open for Liv.

She grabbed her purse and photography equipment bag. Sure, I’m excited and happy to go to freakin castle Bam! I mean hell, anyone who’s watched Viva La Bam would be, but that means meeting new people. A nervousness crept into Liv’s stomach. I was prepared for it tonight, being drunk and what not, but sober?

“Basically yeah. It was my plan all along, you’re in my town now Valo, you go buy my schedule.” Bam said before hopping into the car, turning the volume down slightly.

Liv threw her things into the back, feeling the rain gently covering her head. She gave Ville a quick peck on the cheek before sliding in and closing the door.. The interior of the car was made up of beige leather and was quite spacious. Liv had never been in such an expensive car in her life.

Ville folded himself into the front seat, long legs just fitting. “Oh I am all too familiar with your schedules” He smirked before Bam turned the volume up full blast.

Before pulling out Bam turned to wink at Liv and gave Ville a grin before switching the song in the car. There was a brief silence before Your Sweet Six Six Six began blaring out of the speakers, Bam thrashed his head as he began driving off.

***

It was like returning home. Memories of days past came flooding into his head as they rode up the rainbow drive way. Ville couldn’t help but smile to himself. It had been ages since he’d been at Bam’s home. He sort of missed it, getting fucked up, passing out on Bam’s black leather sofa, waking up to his own face looking down at him from its frame above the fireplace. He sighed with delight as Bam came to a sudden crooked halt next to the large red, intricately designed, heartagram adorned, front doors of his ‘castle’.

Ville was practically giddy. It had been so long since he’d been out, since he’d had time to just drink the night away, since he had more than a few hours to privately be alone with Liv. He turned in his chair to smile at an awed Liv. She gazed out the window. Ville knew she had been a fan of Jackass and Viva La Bam growing up, it’s going to be quite the night for her, he thought. She looked over at him, flashing him a brilliant smile, his heart almost stopping. My love, he thought, he loved seeing the excitement in her lovely hazel eyes, the rosy plumpness of her cheeks as she smiled. She swung open the door and hopped out just as Bam did. Well, thought Ville, the adventure begins.

He stretched out his long legs, adjusting his beanie, before stepping out of the car. The rain had stopped but the sky above was still overcast, dark ominous clouds looming to the north.

“Just leave your shit in the back” Bam said to Liv, his hand on the handle of his door. “Unless you wanna snap some shots? Fuck! You should! Tonight too! Dude I could use some new pictures on some of my sites and shit, do you mind?”

Ville watched as Liv smiled, shaking her head and pulling out her camera bag from the back seat, slinging it over one shoulder. He could tell she was becoming increasingly nervous, her lower lip between her teeth, silly girl, he thought, as he walked over to Liv, placing a comforting hand on the small of her back, leaning down to give the top of her head a tender kiss. Liv sighed in comfort, resting her head against his arm, gathering herself.

Bam cleared his throat loudly, “right, you two have time for that stuff later.” He turned on his heel and walked in.

Ville rolled his eyes and let Liv go in first. He stepped over the threshold behind her as she cautiously walked in, taking out her camera and adjusting it, Bam having disappeared from sight. Liv stopped, unsure of where to go next, Ville smiled, and intertwined his fingers with Liv’s, it felt wonderful to do such a simple gesture without having to be alone with her, and led Liv down a dark wood paneled hallway, framed posters and skate paraphernalia lining the walls. At the end of the hallway was the main open space, Ville laughed as Liv let out a small gasp of delight as she took in the large chrome heartagram hanging from the back wall of the purple room, quickly snapping a shot.

However, Ville raised a brow as he looked around, boxes littered the space, the room looked stripped, except for larger objects like the heartagram, blue jukebox, the pool table and couches. “Hey Bam Bam, are you moving?”

Bam leaned against the railing of the staircase that led down to his kitchen, his arm resting on the railing. “Yeah actually, to fuckin Iceland!” He laughed.

“Why?” asked Ville, Liv’s small hand still locked with his.

“Change of scenery, new wife new life, shit like that, ya know?” He shrugged it off before leaning down and calling out, “You down there babe?”

“Yeah” Called back who Ville assumed was Nikki. He wasn’t quite sure what to think of her. She was definitely more provocative than Bam’s ex-wife, Missy, though there was something about her he liked, it was as if she was just what Bam needed at this particular time in his life, she seemed to really make him happy, and that’s all he could ever want of the future wife of his close friend, that she made him happy.

Bam motioned his head for Ville and Liv to follow as he went down the wooden stairs, turning a corner at the end, out of sight, but Ville knew his way around so he didn’t rush after Bam.

Descending the stairs he smiled down at Liv, who was being quiet, “star struck are we?”

“I know Bam, I’ve hung out with him, but being in Castle Bam is a bit different, it’s so strange, I saw it all the time on TV, all the crazy shit that went down here, it’s odd to think I’m in the same place.” Liv shrugged, gazing around as she spoke to Ville, the two reaching the bottom of the stairs. The once cozy pirate themed room with a fireplace at the bottom of the stares was bare, much like upstairs. No crosses or skulls hung on the walls as Ville had remembered.

“You weren’t star struck by me? Were you?” Ville smirked, nudging Liv playfully, remembering her calm demeanor at his intrusion into her hospital room the night they’d met.

A beautiful crimson blush slowly spread across Liv’s cheeks as she avoided eye contact with Ville, still taking in her surroundings, “Not star struck, though I was stricken” Her eyes stopped their scan and she looked up at Ville, a grin on her face, “take from that what you will”

“The lovebirds!” Nikki exclaimed with delight from her perched position at the kitchen counter. Ville’s eyes widened at the sight of the kitchen. It was covered, floor to ceiling with paint splatters, counter, cabinets, fridge, blues, purples, yellows. Nikki sat, her dark brown, almost black, hair tied up in a ponytail, head band on. She wore a thin, tight purple tank top and light gray sweat pants, the most casually dressed Ville had ever seen her. It’s their down time, Ville thought, of course they aren’t going to dress the way they do on tour. She had a pink drink in front of her and a magazine.

Liv let go of Ville’s hand and walked over to Nikki as she motioned her over, gesturing to the empty stool beside her. “How the fuck are ya young thing?” She asked Liv as she hopped up on the stool, setting her camera down on the kitchen island, smiling. Liv must be happy to be in the presence of another woman for once, Ville thought. She doesn’t really have much of a social life outside of the band and I, does she?

Before Liv could respond, Bam interrupted from his stance against the back counter on the other side of the kitchen island. “She’s internally freakin out, castle bam! Oh my god!” He teased.

Nikki rolled her eyes at Bam before turning to Ville who had come to stand next to Liv, she opened her mouth to speak to Ville, but Bam interjected again, “He’s tired and ready to get fucked…up” Bam laughed as he opened his fridge, pulling out three beers. He struck one against the edge of the counter, popping off the lid and handing it to Ville, who accepted it, gingerly taking a sip. He did the same with the next one, handing it to Liv, but Nikki shook her head.

“Babe, she needs a chicks drink, here Liv, I’ll make you a daiquiri.” Nikki grinned, getting out of her seat and going around the counter and taking out a bottle of rum from the freezer, before she could set to work Bam grabbed her from behind, deeply kissing her, before letting her go.

Liv suddenly jolted in her seat in front of Ville, he looked down curiously, a huge smile on her face. “I’m so sorry! I forgot to say congratulations!” Ville laughed, wrapping one arm around Liv’s shoulder, resting his chin on her head. I quite like this, he thought, no need to censor physical contact.

Nikki beamed, sticking out her hand for Liv to admire the dazzlingly ostentatious rock on her ring finger.

“Jesus, that thing’s huge, your arm must be getting a workout hauling it around” Liv smiled.

Bam began to laugh, ”Fuckin cost a shit ton” He took a swig of his beer.

“and how did you propose?” Ville asked politely. He knew the answer already. Bam wasn’t one for formality.

“He actually asked me as soon as we started dating, only put a ring on it once we decided to move to Iceland” Nikki grinned, vigorously shaking the cocktail shaker before pouring its contents into a glass much like her own, and sliding it across the paint splattered island towards Liv, who accepted it, taking an eager sip. “What about you Ville” Nikki said, turning to Ville, “When are you gonna put a ring on it?” Liv began coughing, having almost choked on the sip of daiquiri she was taking, Bam began laughing at Liv’s reaction, but before anyone could respond, Nikki continued. “You know, I knew you guys would end up together, Ville, you should have seen your face the night I dressed Liv up, when she came onto the bus. And then in the club, you came to get her, I saw you, watching as she danced.”

Was he that obvious? Were his affections for Liv so, so apparent?

Liv’s coughing subsided as she turned her neck to give a shy smile to Ville, having not known these things, but then she turned back to Nikki. “Um, I don’t think there will be any ring putting on for a while” She quickly shut her mouth, retreating behind her glass of daiquiri.

“Oh?” Ville said, raising a brow and pulling away from Liv. What objections could she have? Not that I’ve even been thinking about marriage, at all.

Liv finished her glass of daiquiri before replying, Bam and Nikki’s eyes eagerly lingering on her, waiting for her response. “Well yeah? Unless you’ve had a sudden change of heart and would like to tell more people about us? Or Unless you’d like to get smashed then suddenly, in a very inebriated ceremony, elope?” Liv shrugged, her nails tapping against the edge of her glass.

Ville pursed his lips, she has a point, he thought, but the sarcasm dripping from her tone… Ville mentally shook free the thought, shoving it away to bring up with Liv at a later date. “Point taken” He mumbled before turning to Bam. “What, may I ask, is the plan for tonight?”

Bam’s face instantly perked up with eagerness and excitement, the smile of a carefree child. He leaned across the table, one hand winding behind Nikki and holding her to him by her hip. “We go out and grab a bite, then me and Nikki will drop you two off at your hotel to get ready and shit, and after we’ll pick you up, split you up, and get you fucked up.” He flashed toothy grin.

“Not to worry, you’ll be reunited later.” Nikki reassured, winking at Liv.

***

Lunch was…surprisingly normal, Liv thought as she rolled her suitcase behind her, walking silently next to Ville, rain droplets clinging to her hair, the rain having just started up as Bam and Nikki had dropped her and Ville off at their hotel. Bam and Nikki are so, so normal, Liv thought, at least when they aren’t out on tour or out drinking. They’d gone out to eat at some local pub where Bam was well known, but they didn’t run into any of Bam’s friends, only a few fans. The whole lunch was spent catching up, more or less, but it was mostly spent listening to Nikki excitedly talk about her and Bam’s new home in Iceland. Liv could tell at lunch that Nikki wanted nothing more than to go off about the coming bachelorette party and her plans for the night, but she didn’t want to discuss it in front of Bam, so she held off. Though, as she and Bam had dropped Ville and Liv off, Nikki had quietly pulled Liv aside. “Okay, so make sure to bring money, lots of it, we’ll stop at an ATM to take out some ones. What else, uh, yeah and you know, dress appropriately, bring ID, I know you’re kind of, what’s the word, uptight and shy but let loose tonight, alright? It’s gonna be a fuckin great night young thing.” She’d slapped liv on the ass before letting her join Ville who had waited patiently under cover for her at the entrance of the hotel.

Liv sneaked a glance at Ville who walked silently, and slowly, matching his pace to Liv’s, down the long hallway that led to their room. He’d been very animated during lunch, Liv could tell he was excited to relax, drink, not have to work , but she couldn’t shake the feeling that something was on his mind.

He stopped at a door at the end of the dull yellow hallway, digging in his jean pocket for the key card.

“They didn’t have your usual room available?” Liv smirked, breaking the silence as she looked at the room number on the door, 895.

“Satan can’t simmer in hell all the time darling” Ville replied, the corners of his mouth twitching as he dramatically swung open the door.

“Holy shit” escaped Liv’s lips as she peered into the large room. The room was a light beige with a dark gray patterned carpet, a large, downy king sized bed peeked out from the end of the entrance hallway, a darkened bathroom to the left. It was one of the largest hotel rooms Liv had ever been in. She wheeled in her suitcase and set it aside, shrugging off her purse and camera bag into a corner before flicking on the bathroom light. “Wow” she whispered to herself. The bathroom comprised of a mostly a large stone shower taking up most of the room, glass encompassing it, an enormous showerhead inside. Liv turned and left the bathroom, wandering to the bedroom area. To the left was a dark, wooden desk, a small lamp and hotel paper and pen sitting neatly on top. The back wall of the room was made up of a giant window, dark brown curtains framing either side, revealing the beautiful view of the airport in the distance, and the dull comforting gloom of rainclouds. She turned to the king sized bed, her inner child wanted nothing more than to jump up on it, but she refrained herself, letting her hand grazed across its soft white blanketing. Dark, wooden nightstands flanked the bed, a flat screen TV across from it. Liv sighed, this room seems so freakin expensive, but, but dammit it’s wonderful. She turned, her back to the bed, her legs pressed up against the side, eyes closed, and she let herself fall into the welcoming fluff of the bed.

Liv felt Ville fall upon the bed next to her. She opened her eyes, smiling, and turned her face to look at him. He had his nose to the ceiling, looking up, eyes opened.

“Tell me” She whispered. He wanted to talk about something, she could tell, she could see it in his demeanor, his beautiful emerald eyes, the heavy sigh of his chest.

Ville turned his face to look at Liv. “You don’t want to marry me?”

Liv bit down on her lip. “Ville, you don’t even like marriage” Liv was utterly confused. He ranted to her once about the stupidity that was marriage, how does a piece of paper and expensive ceremony make any difference in a serious long term relationship? She agreed, completely, so why was he bringing up what had been brought up at Bam’s house?

“I don’t” He calmly replied, turning to look back at the ceiling, “But if I were to ask you, right here and now, you’d say no?”

Liv sighed. She thought about it for a moment, chewing her lower lip, before answering. “I’d say no. I love you. I want to be with you. I’d do just about anything for you. But Ville, I’m not ready for marriage, you aren’t even ready for marriage. We, we haven’t even been together a year, or tried living together, or all that other crap couples are supposed to have under their belts before they get hitched.”

“But darling, we aren’t like other couples.” Ville mumbled, pulling the beanie off his head and tossing it on the ground.

“Exactly. I’d gladly bathe in the blood of a thousand virgins or star in a SpongeBob movie or bite off the head of a bat for you, but I’m not going to marry you, at least not any time soon. I, I’m 21, I’m not ready for that Ville, I will be though, one day.” She brought her legs, which had been hanging off the edge of the bed, up, and sat up before turning to Ville and bringing a knee over to either side of him, her hands beside his face, holding her up, a few strands of her hair which hadn’t made it into her bun hung down. She gave a reassuring smile as she looked down at Ville.

“You want to be able to go out and experience the world?” He asked seriously, looking up at her, his hands still at his sides.

“I do”

“without the shackles of marriage, of me?” Ville asked quizzically as he stared into Liv’s eyes.

She lowered her head so her forehead rested against his. “That’s not it at all, and you know it, you simply have a bruised ego from my response earlier. I want your shackles, I want you, I want you by my side as I experience the world, please don’t think otherwise.” She lowered herself further so that she was sitting on his pelvis and brought her hands up to either side of his face.

“I’ve got insecurities too kultaseni” Ville whispered as Liv brought her lips closer to his.

She stopped. “You shouldn’t. You could have any woman, or man for that matter.”

“I don’t want them” His voice dropped an octave, his eyes clouding over, “I want you” he lifted his face to meet Liv’s kiss, wrapping his arms around her waist, pulling her body down so that her stomach was pressed up against his. He slipped his tongue into her mouth as he clutched her to him, pulling her mouth back to his every time she tried to catch her breath. He turned, so that she was beneath him, his lips moving to the sensitive spot at the base of her neck as she caught her breath. He kissed her more gently before getting up and off the bed suddenly.

Liv lay, panting “Why, why did you stop?” She asked between breaths as she propped herself up on her elbows.

Ville took out the elastic from his hair, shaking out his curls and adjusting his clothes. He leaned down and pulled out his moleskin and a pen from his carry on. “I’m going to go out and buy a pack of cigarettes, go for a walk, write a bit.” He took out his phone and checked the time. “We’ve got about an hour and a half before they’ll be here for us. I won’t be long love.” He turned and began walking to the door.

Liv jumped out of the bed after him, “You, you aren’t still, um, still uh”

“No” Ville smiled, raising a hand to rest it on Liv’s cheek. “Simply going out for some air” He leaned in and gave Liv a quick peck on the cheek before opening the door and leaving, gently closing it behind him.

Liv stood, staring at the door, he understands right? He understands that it’s just too rash to get married now? I, I can’t. Chewing her bottom lip, Liv turned and dropped down to her suitcase, unzipping it and flipping open the lid, digging around for the clothes she had specifically bought for tonight, knowing full well what the dress code was for a night out with Nikki. He’s not irrational, he can empathize. I’ll make him forget, tonight. She smiled to herself as she pulled out her new clothes, setting them on top of her suitcase to await her after her shower.

***

He hoped she wasn’t worried as he impatiently waited for the elevator to reach their floor, notebook in one hand, small purple wild flower gently sitting in the other. He’d found a small convenient store, gotten his pack of Marlboro’s before taking a turn around the block, settling into a bench at a small park, words, like the rain, gently falling onto the pages of his notebook. He’d written a few lyrics which had come to mind, but mostly he had sat, musing. He wasn’t upset, mostly just taken aback at himself. For a split second, as Liv had tried to explain herself, Ville had remembered the scolding he had gotten from Seppo when he had found out about Liv, and for that split second Ville had thought that Seppo was right. He had a point, I see that now, Ville thought as the elevator doors dinged open, Liv has a good point too, what does she know of the world? She’s experienced nothing, whereas I’ve done it all before. Am I holding her back? Will I hold her back? He ran his hand through his hair in frustration. There’s always something, there’s always a worry, a fear, it’s not just going to fuck with my mind anymore. He sighed a he came up to the hotel room door, pausing just outside. I needed to reign back, he concluded. He leaned his head against the door, now angry with himself, he’d completely put a damper on the day.

Suddenly he realized music was blasting from within. He pressed his ear against the door, A National Acrobat, he thought, smiling. He could hear Liv singing from within, a very very rare occurrence since she hated her singing voice. Ville quite liked it, sweet, yet sinister, sexily husky from her smoking.

Quietly, so as to sneak in unnoticed, Ville opened the hotel room door, peaking in, he could hear Liv in the washroom. Silently he set down his notebook and shut the door behind him, grinning as he popped into view in the doorway, his deep sultry voice ringing out, “You have to let your body sleep, to let your soul live on”

Liv, who had been applying blush in the mirror, jumped in surprise, instantly turning around, a miffed expression on her face.

Ville’s heart swelled as she turn. Liv had curled her hair, neat, black, loose curls streaming down her back and over her shoulders. He eyes had been done up, mascara, black eye shadow, thick liner ending in winged tips in the corners of her dazzling hazel eyes. She’d rouged her lips, not some peppy poppy color, but a deep red, poisoned blood. Her cheeks the shade of a delicate blossoming rose. She had a mid-thigh length light gray pea coat on, hiding her clothes beneath, a pair of thin black knee high socks allowing a small strip of her cream thigh to show. She, she’s, he couldn’t describe it. She made his heart stop on a regular basis, and he preferred her without the painted on mask of a lot of makeup, which he’d only seen once thanks to Nikki, but when she did her own makeup, it was artistry. A warm smile touched Ville’s lips and he held out the wild flower he’d picked for Liv, her expression instantly changing, cheeks blushing of their own accord, a smile wiping away her frown,

“You scared me half to death.” She accepted the flower, admiring it in the white light of the washroom. “They’re going to be here in fifteen minutes” Liv said, biting her lip.

Ville knew her well enough by now to know that she wanted to ask him why he’d been out so long, but she held her tongue, not wanting to sound like a worried mother. “My sincerest apologies. I lost track of time, to use a cliché excuse” He looked down the hall to the back window, seeing only darkness surrounding the twinkling lights of the city spread out around them. “Forgive me?”

“There’s nothing to forgive. We don’t have to be glued at the hip” Liv shrugged, crossing the washroom, sliding her arms around Ville and resting her cheek against his chest, closing her eyes.

Ville kissed the top of her head. “You look kaunis darling, more than that, you look practically edible” He said, a devilish grin on his face.

The music on Liv’s iPod changed, the opening notes of, Love You to Death by Type O Negative, sounding out throughout the washroom as Liv looked up smirking, “Just wait until you see what’s underneath”

Ville’s heart began to pick up as he remembered, remembered how it had been more than a week since he’d last spent the night with Liv. He gulped, bringing his hands to the top bottom of Liv’s coat.

Liv stepped away. “Later, I want to surprise you when the two parties join.” Liv bit her lip, but not with worry, with longing, as she smiled at Ville, bringing the flower to her nose.

Ville scoffed, crossing his arms, “You mean you want me to want you so bad later tonight that I forget my inhibitions, that I can’t keep my hands off of you, breaking our rule to keep an appropriate distance due to the cameras.” He stripped off his black sweater, letting it drop to the floor, followed by his tee shirt. He reveled in the admiring gaze from Liv as he went over to adjust the water for a quick shower.

“You found me out” Liv said, moving to the doorway of the washroom.

“I’d like to see you try and keep your hands off me darling” Ville smirked, knowing exactly what he was doing to Liv, running his hand through his hair before beginning to undo the buckle on his black jeans.

“Let’s make a bet of it?” Liv said, crossing her arms.

“Very well, the most resistant, the winner, gets complete say over the rest of the night.” Before Liv could agree Ville slid off his jeans and boxer briefs simultaneously. When he looked back up Liv had closed the washroom door. Laughing her turning on the shower head, closing the glass door behind himself, letting the steaming water wash over him, enjoying Liv’s iPod as it stilled played, Black Mass by Electric Wizard coming on.

***

“Come on come on come on! We’ve got alcohol to consume, strippers to enjoy, dance floors to hit up!” Yelled Nikki out of the window of the large cab she had arrived in.

“Sorry! One second” Liv yelled back, biting her lip before turning back to Ville. The two stood under cover of the front entrance of the hotel. They’d been waiting to be picked up when Nikki had shown up first, eager to get the night started. Liv looked up at Ville, cigarette between his lips, his hair had neatly curled after his shower, his facial hair scruffy, manly, he’d changed into a black dress shirt which he wore unbuttoned low, black jeans, and his black Dr. Martens. “I’ll see you tonight.”

Ville took a deep drag, looking her over, she’d still had her coat on, hiding the new outfit she had gotten, but the shoes she had put on had had Ville’s heart racing. They were black lace Jeffrey Campbell’s, with large metallic spikes running down the heel. Liv couldn’t help but smile as Ville’s eyes lingered on them once again. “I’m going to have to try really hard not to lose.” He smirked as he looked into Liv’s eyes. He gave Liv a quick peck on the cheek.

“Rakastan sinua”(I love you) Liv whispered before turning on her heels, only for Ville to catch her by the arm.

“Wait, Liv. Don’t hold back tonight. If you want to excessively drink, please do. If you want to do anything tonight, don’t let the thought of what I may think hold you back from anything.” He gave a weak smile. “Now be off with you, Nikki’s becoming impatient.” He shooed her off.

Liv slowly turned away from him, walking towards the idling cab, the rain falling heavily against the hood of her coat, her feet barely able to walk in the ridiculous heels. Where the hell did that come from? Liv thought. He’s never held me back from anything before, okay well except from binge drinking a few times, but, but that doesn’t count, it’s not good for me anyways. He’s done the opposite, he’s opened a thousand doors for me, why would he think he was holding me back in anyway?

Liv turned to glance back at Ville who leaned against the wall next to the front entrance, cigarette between his fingers, when suddenly a large, sleek, black car screeched to a halt in front of Ville, an unfamiliar metal song playing from within. Bam, Liv thought just as Bam called out, “Get the fuck in Valo!”

Ville saluted Liv before he excitedly jumped into the car, which sped off right away.

Liv opened the door of the cab quickly, remembering Nikki’s impatience. In the back set of seats sat two women who looked to be around Nikki’s age. One was a stunning blonde, bright pink lips, her hair loosely curled, skin tanned, she had on a pink mini dress with thin straps, just barely holding it up. The other woman was dark skinned, her black hair curled and in a large ponytail, lips covered in a dark brown gloss, elaborate dangling earrings, she wore a thin, see through lace tank tucked into a black, tight, high waisted skirt.

“Get in, get in! So much to fuckin do, so little time!” Nikki said impatiently as Liv climbed in next to her in the first row of seats, the car leaving the front lot of the hotel. Nikki wore her hair down, pin straight, large hoops dangling from her ears. Smokey eyes and glossed lips. She had on a skin tight black leather tank top that laced up the front, she wore no bra underneath, a dark purple skirt which hugged her thighs tightly, fishnets, and knee high leather boots. “Alright, Liv this is Apple, Novak’s girlfriend” The blonde flashed a pearly smile, “and this is my best friend Rhonda. The other chicks are gonna meet us at the strip club.”

“Jesus girl, you must be super young” Rhonda said quizzically, giving Liv the once over.

“Yeah, young thing over here’s twenty one, a photographer for one of Bam’s favorite bands, shy at first but gets going with some liquor” Nikki smiled.

“Good thing we brought this to start off with” Said Apple as she pulled out a bottle of champagne from her purse.

***

“Well fuck you” Bam laughed, taking the last swig of his beer before throwing the bottle against the ground, the glass breaking, scattering, the tinkling of glass against glass mixing with the patter of rain.

The group of men in Bam’s bachelor party roared with drunken laughter. The night had begun at one bar, progressed to a nearby casino, than to a strip club, followed by bar hopping, and now Bam had decided that instead of meeting the ladies at the hotel room he had gotten for the night, he wanted to catch up with them at the club he knew they were at.

“N, no Bam Bam, I don’t fuck me anymore” Ville laughed, taking out the cigarette from his mouth and taking a sip of his beer. His mind swam, he felt young again, like he’d been sent back in time to when he’d first befriended Bam, when doing stupid shit was usual, and binge drinking a daily occurrence, smoking two packs in one night, inebriated philosophy spewing from his mouth constantly. One thing was different however, Liv, she couldn’t escape his drunken thoughts. He’d never been so incessantly plagued by a love while pissed drunk before, something which Bam himself had even picked up on, telling Ville to shut up about Liv a few times throughout the night.

Alex Flamsteed threw a skinny, bare, inked arm around Ville’s shoulder, his breath reeking of vodka, “You Valo, you’re not as big of a wanker as I thought you were” He was shirtless, wearing only a pair of faded, ripped jeans and tattered converse.

“The fuckin man just said he doesn’t fuck himself anymore, he does no wanking whatsoever” Novak slurred as he caught up with Alex, Ville, and Bam who were walking slightly ahead of the loud, boisterous group of men as they made their way in the rain towards the popular club.

“You’re a fuckin idiot” Bam smirked.

“For fucks sakes Bam, we’ve been walking for 40 days and nights, where is this ridiculous ‘nightclub’” Ville grumbled, taking a drag of his Marlboro before swigging down more beer.

Bam, who walked ahead of everyone, snapped his fingers behind him, “Novak, carry Wille”

Novak who wore a dark blue, stripped dress shirt, unbuttoned, and dark tight jeans, ran in front of Ville and crouched down.

“Fuck that” Ville laughed, walking past Novak, finishing his bottle of beer and letting it slip out of his hands onto the sidewalk.

“Aw come on, I know it’s nothing like riding some hot piece of pussy, but fuck, come on” Novak teased. Alex and Bam burst out into laughter, Bam turning his head to give Ville a wink. He’d stayed in what he had been wearing earlier that day, except he’d thrown on a few necklaces and rings.

Ville shrugged, popping his dying cigarette between his lips before jumping up on Novak’s back, he stumbled, almost sending both of them to the ground, but then Novak steadied himself and proudly began walking next to Bam who couldn’t stop laughing.

Ville smirked, turning his neck to look at a blissfully drunk Bam. “Do you know what we’re gonna tell people if they ask what’s going on?” Ville snickered.

Simultaneous, huge grins on both their faces, Ville and Bam yelled out, “It’s a religious matter!”

I’ve missed this, Ville thought as he bounced along down the street on Novak’s back. Just as Novak’s stride began to weaken Ville spotted a large line running down the street up ahead, incredibly loud techno blasting from within. He raised a brow, he really didn’t like these types of places, he wasn’t the nightclub type, but fuck, he thought, if Bam wants to do it, then I’m up for it too. And, and Liv. Fuck, he grumbled internally, perkele! Camera’s, other people, can’t show affection, people might find out. He determined to keep his resolve strong, despite the sultry outfit he was sure Liv had on.

The chattering coming from Bam’s friends became louder as they spotted the nightclub too, their excitement audible. Ville hopped off of the exhausted Novak, matching his stride to Bam’s as the group of men skipped past the line, much to the disgruntled grumbles of the people in the line, and stopped in front of the large muscular bouncer.

The bouncer crossed his arms, gave Bam the once over, peered at the rest of the bachelor party before saying, “Bam Margera right?” Bam nodded, extending his hand to shake the bouncers hand, a wad of cash discreetly in his palm, the bouncer accepted the money and unhooked the red velvet rope. Placing a hand on Bam’s chest before he could rush in. “Don’t break anything or I will kick you out”

Bam scoffed “I’ll end up paying for it in the end, but whatever, I won’t break any shit”

The bouncer pulled back the rope and the men all filed in.

There were two bars, one by the front entrance to the left, surrounded by a few booths stuffed with laughing groups of men and women, the other bar was on the other end of the vast dance floor, flashing blues and purples illuminated sweaty faces, close pressed, swaying almost in unison the beat of the techno song, which was being played by a DJ, up on a pedestal next to a set of stairs which led upstairs to the washrooms. From what Ville could tell, the walls were dark purple with intricate black designs on them, booths and the bars made up of dark stained wood.

The men in Bam’s bachelor party dispersed, some going over to the bars, others instantly walking head long into the dance floor, finding women to press close up against.

“It’s like a treasure hunt” Bam said next to Ville. Ville turned his neck, he thought Bam had left. “She’s in there somewhere” Bam continued, “waiting for you. Go get her” Smiling, he patted Ville on the back before slipping into the crowd, out of sight.

Ville took a deep breath before diving in. Heat radiating around him as he tried to sway his body between the dancers, peering out over heads for Liv. Suddenly he spotted Nikki, she was pressed up behind a tall blonde in pink, her arms thrown over the woman’s shoulders, wrists hanging limp, their hips moving in unison to the beat, necklaces of multicolored beads swayed along around her neck. Ville walked over, hoping to see Liv nearby.

Nikki spotted him, an excited smile spreading across her intoxicated lips, his presence meant Bam was there. Nikki soon smirked, her hips still moving up against the blonde woman, she motioned her head to the left where the furthest bar was, halfway across the dance floor from Ville.

He gave Nikki a thankful nod before turning in that direction in search of Liv.

[The song in the club: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=siLjYRZvVDw ]
The fast paced song suddenly ended, replaced by a melodic one, it’s slow beat spreading out in a wave through the compressed bodies on the dance floor, their pace slowing down, hips writhing against one another.

He could feel her nearness with every fibre of his being, or maybe that was just cause he was drunk? He pushed faster through the crowd, his eagerness growing, becoming unbearable, when a break in the dancing allowed him a clear view of her, he could only see her head as she threw back a shot at the bar before setting down the shot glass, closing her eyes, and allowing the music to lure her back to the dance floor.

She reached up, twisting her arms around each other. Aimlessly, letting the wave of dancers move her along, she came closer to Ville without having yet seen him. Soon her full, twisting body came into view. Ville took a deep jagged breath, his hands clenching and unclenching at his sides as he took her in, every inch of her. She wore a blood red, strapless, incredibly short dress, the top of her breasts peeking out, black knee high socks adding an air of innocence, the spiked heels making her pale legs incredibly lean. Her black curls, loosened by the nights activities, clung to her slightly sweaty face, falling over her bare shoulders, a cloak of black running down her back.

The way she had moved, swayed, slowly, sensually on the dance floor back in Oulu, was nothing compared to the way her body moved now, the music taking hold of her. Ville’s breathing became labored, picking up, as he pushed through the crowd towards her.

Her eyes still closed, back to him, he approached her, pressing himself up against her back, eager hands placing themselves on her swaying hips, heart beating out of his chest.

Head still facing forward, hips never skipping a beat, Liv’s soft voice rang out above the hypnotic song, above the audible crowd of bodies, “you lose”

Ville smirked, lifting a hand to brush back the hair from her shoulder, resting his chin on it as he moved in unison with her, letting the fingertips of his other hand graze precariously close to her mound. “You cheated.” He managed to hoarsely say.

She reached a slender arm back, her fingers intertwining themselves with the small ringlets at the nape of his neck, she turned her face to flash a brilliant smile at him. He could smell the whiskey on her breath. He wanted to taste the whiskey on her breath.

Without a second thought, music pulsating within his chest, hand clutching Liv’s thigh, pelvis rocking with Liv’s, the smell of her, lavender, smoke, sweat, whiskey, filling him up, he forcefully, hungrily, brought his lips to hers.

She turned in his arms, tongue in his mouth, and pressingherself up against him, body writhing with his, pushing him back as she yearningly wrapped her arms around his neck. Her kiss was relentless, forceful, determined. She’d never kissed him like that before, with such want, desire. The liquor? No, thought Ville, his fingertips digging into the small of her back.

Next thing he knew, he had her pressed up against the wall, his arms a cage around her, breathing loud between kisses, the music drowning out Liv’s soft whimpers as Ville moved his mouth down her neck, nipping it. He wanted her, he always wanted, he want her from the first moment he saw her, but in that instant, he’d never wanted anything more in his life, but he slowed himself, tried to calm his thoughts. Not in some grimy, sweaty club, no.

He lay his cheek on her shoulder, catching his breath, holding her, her warmth, her body in his arms. “I have a love hate relationship with these types of places” He said in Liv’s ear.

Her chest rose and fell against him, fingers playing with his curls, “Why is that?”

“They’re grotesque in a way, the atmosphere, almost primitive, but what these places do to you my love, I could never hate them for that.” He lifted his face up, resting his forehead against Liv’s, staring into her eyes, framed by dazzlingly long lashes.

“What’ll happen when we go back to the hotel, I don’t think I could stand not being pressed up against you ever second, I’m not a good actress, I don’t want to pretend for the rest of the night.” Liv pleased, tightly shitting her eyes.

“I’ll make it up to you darling, I promise” He didn’t think he could pretend either, but even in his drunk mind, he knew that the result of any incriminating pictures would be complicated, stressful, arduous.

He brought his lips back to Liv’s, savoring the moment, it would be a while until they could completely be alone again.

***

She watched with envy as Nikki let out a loud chuckle from where she sat across the room, straddling Bam on the couch, beer in hand, Bam’s hands running up and down her thigh as the two sat drinking, laughing with Alex, loud music blasting from someone’s IPod attached to speakers, other party guests talking to each other, dancing, drinking, playing cards.

Liv sighed and turned back to Ville. He had seen she was becoming agitated, taking pictures, one shot after another, stealing frustrated glances at him from a across the room, so he’d asked her to play a round of chess with him.

Liv moved her pawn and looked up into his green eyes, his dress shirt unbuttoned very low, sleeves rolled up, hair a curly mess, facial hair irresistible. “This fuckin dress didn’t work.”

Ville contemplated his next move, eyes on the board, “Oh it did darling, the amount of self-control I’m exerting right now, a recovering alcoholic locked in a bar. D, don’t be fuckin”

Liv cut him off, smirking, moving her piece, “Check mate” She got up forcefully, almost knocking her chair over, leaning across the table, hands on either side of the board.

“Don’t be a bitch little red” Ville said, leaning back, crossing his arms.

Liv rolled her eyes, grabbing her camera from the table and snapping a shot of Ville’s annoyed face. He knows, he knows what I’m going to do next, Liv thought, her face flushed by all the liquor she had been drinking. She slung her camera around her neck before grabbing Ville’s bottle of Jagermeister, which was a few shots away from being done, and chugged it back.

“Cunt” He teased, pulling out another, smaller bottle from his jean pocket.

Liv licked her lips of the taste, “Love you too big bad” She turned on her heels, determination in her walk as she squirmed through dancing bodies stuffed into the hotel room Bam had gotten for the night.

The hotel room was almost triple the size of her and Ville’s. The bedroom was separate, off to the left of the entrance, a large living room took up most of the space, a small kitchen up against one side, a few couches and a table in one corner, the bathroom next to the bedroom. The floor was littered with empty cans, red plastic cups, garbage, sweaters and coats, even a pair of pants, which were Novak’s. More people had joined the two parties as they had gone to the hotel, which wasn’t long after the bachelor party had arrived at the club, and so the hotel room was crammed with people.

Liv crossed the room to where the iPod lay playing some loud punk song Liv didn’t recognize, she began flipping through the songs until she found just the one. Sitting on the edge of the sofa, waiting patiently for the current song to finish, she put on the new one. Still can’t fuckin believe I met them, she thought as she stood up. Liv stole a glance at Ville, he stood talking to Jesse, but his eyes were locked on her as she stretched out her body, setting her camera down, as I Love The Darkness In You by The 69 Eyes came on.

“Kick ass song” Bam said to Liv as she approached, his head banging to the song.

“Wanna dance?” Liv asked Nikki, peaking over at Ville who still had his eyes locked on her.

Nikki’s eyes followed Liv’s gaze. Knowing full well what Liv was trying to do, Nikki stood up right away, grabbed a bottle of champagne from off the ground, taking a deep swig and handed it to Liv, who did the same, before saying, “Let’s fuckin do this young thing.”

Jyrki’s deep voice ringing out through the hotel room, Nikki grabbed Liv, tossing her arms over Liv’s shoulders, jumping up and down, shaking her hips. Liv began laughing, following Nikki’s lead, rubbing her hips up against Nikki’s, throwing her arms up. A giggling Apple came over, dragging an almost naked Novak over, and joined then, twisting and turning in Novak’s arms. Liv whipped her long black hair around as Nikki bumped around her, other ladies from the bachelor party joining them. Kicking off her incredibly high heels, adjusting her socks and pulling up her dress which had begun to slip down from her dancing, Liv continued jumping around, grabbing her camera and taking a few pictures of the crowd, getting a perfect shot of Bam as he joined Nikki, wrapping his arms around her hips and bringing her in for a kiss.

Liv turned to glance in Ville’s direction but he wasn’t there. She did a quick scan of the hotel room but couldn’t spot him. Well fuck, she thought as the song came to an end. She set her camera down and squirmed out of the crowd, it was too warm, she needed a moment, so she slowly made her way to the washroom, which surprisingly wasn’t occupied.

She peered in, toilet paper was everywhere, empty beer bottles littered the sink counter, towels were strewn around, a lipstick kiss on the mirror, white powder in a corner on the counter. Shrugging, she stepped in, closing the door behind her, hands on the counter, eye’s closed, she took a few deep breaths, gathering herself, her sudden intake of alcohol before dancing hitting her a bit, when suddenly she heard the door open and close behind her.

Liv began to turn slowly, running her hands through her hair, “Sorry, I’ll be out in a-“

It was Ville.

He stood, his back against the door, chest rising and falling with laboured breaths, his eyes locked on her, hungry.

[Recommendation: Play, It’s All Tear(Drown in This Love) once through.

Liv opened her mouth to say something, anything, but before she could utter a word Ville had quickly crossed the washroom, his strong hands grabbing Liv by the thighs, lifting her up onto the counter, his lips colliding with her, fire exploding from within. He facial hair prickled her, sending shivers throughout her body, he tasted like cigarettes and jagermeister, delicious. She locked her legs around his waist bringing him that much closer to her as his lips moved urgently against hers, her fingers gripping his hair and simultaneously unbuttoning his shirt, practically ripping it off before his hands began trailing over her back, up her sides, across her breasts. Finally his hands moved down to Liv’s thighs, sliding up them, under her dress, his thumb running across the tattoo on her inner thigh as he gripped her panties. He looked up, hair in his emerald eyes, hot, liquor filled, breath washing over her “Rakastan sinua kulta” (I love you darling) His deep voice crooned as his fingers began to slip off her panties. She unlocked her legs from around his waist and he slid them down her thighs, past he knee highs. Liv shivered as her panties fell to the floor, she weakened at the knee’s when he spoke Finnish to her. Her breathing grew heavier, , the adrenaline, the alcohol, the need, the want for Ville.

With desperation Liv’s fumbling fingers unzipped Ville’s jeans, his teeth grazing her neck, she gasped aloud as he nipped down, quickly biting down on her lip so as not to make another sound, she could feel Ville smirk against her skin.

“Shhh” he whispered, trailing his nose up her neck, along her collarbone before bringing his lips back to hers. A devilish grin on his face, he paused for a moment, dark eyes locked on Liv’s face as he felt ready to burst with anticipation, her legs wanted him between them, she could barely stand it another moment. “Haluatko minua?” (Do you want me?) He practically growled.

“Yes” Liv whimpered. Ville sucked in a deep jagged breath. Sorry Poe, Liv thought, her nails digging into Ville’s back for support as he thrust into her, Liv gasped, biting down on her lip again, her legs wrapping around his waist, Ville leant his forehead against hers, the soft graze of his lips a drastic contrast to his eager, rough thrusts.

He thrust, deeper, harder, slight grunts escaping his lips. He was rough, rougher than the last time, her first time, but Liv loved it, she gripped harder onto Ville as he thrust again and again. They soon came closer to their peak. Tingles spreading throughout her body slowly, than rapidly, and as Ville gave a final thrust Liv arched her back, Ville holding her up, her walls closing around him, euphoria encompassing both of them as they both came, both biting down with great force, stopping their ecstasy from being audible.

Heart still thumping a mile a minute, Liv slowly opened her eyes as Ville brought her to him, their chests rising and falling in unison. He rested his sweaty face against her bare shoulder.

“Come, I want to show you something” Liv whispered, pulling back and placing he hands on either side of Ville’s face.

He smoothed back her hair before nodding, slipping out of her gently and pulling up his pants. He lifted Liv up off the counter, handing her her lacy underwear, before picking up his shirt.

Liv pull on the panties, adjusted her dress, smoothing out her hair. She shooed Ville’s hands away from his shirt and began buttoning it up for him, placing tender kissed up his chest as she did so, leaving a trail of rouged lips up his torso. She wiped the lipstick from his lips, fixing her own.

They gave each other the once over before Ville unlocked the door, allowing Liv to exit first. He placed his hands on Liv’s shoulders, guiding her out of the washroom, but instead of turning her towards to door her turned in the direction of the living room, from which Bam was slowly making his way across, beer in hand, smiling, laughing.

Liv watched as he looked into her flushed cheeks, slightly dishevelled hair, a grin spreading across his face.

Ville cleared his throat, “I’m going to take Liv here out for some uh, fresh air, she uh”

Bam interrupted him, “You can’t bullshit me you fucker, go, get, before I kick you two out, you’ve been pining for each other all night, get out of here before you both burst, just come back later alright.”

Liv and Ville simultaneously gave a quick nod before making for the door, Bam’s laughter fading away as Ville shut the door behind himself. “So my scarlet cheeked, rouged lipped, red dressed, love, where are you taking me?”

Liv smirked, slowly walking backwards away from Ville. “You’ll have to catch me to find out”

Ville slowly began to follow Liv, his low laughter ringing out through the quiet hallway at her playfulness.

“I’ve stopped to pick flowers, alone in the woods, veered off the path” Liv chuckled as she began to walk backwards faster towards the elevators.

Ville picked up his pace, slowly at first, until finally he was running after Liv, much to her delight. She raced to the elevators, pressed the button, waiting impatiently for the door to open. Ville gently rammed into her as the doors dinged open, pressing her up against the corner of the large metallic elevator, bringing his hand under her chin. “It’s a shame you know, that we can’t do shit like this on a regular basis.”

Liv shrugged, looking away. It was a gross understatement, she knew it, he knew it, but it was all that could be said in that moment, after the throes of ecstasy, while still drunk, another adventure in the night upon them. Liv didn’t want to think about that though, that thought consumed her most of the time, how much she wished that their relationship wasn’t complicated, that it could be simple and easy, but it wasn’t.

“Sorry” Ville whispered, bringing Liv in for a hug, his warmth surrounding her, his arms strong and safe.

The two rode down in comfortable silence to the bottom level, the doors opening into the dead lobby, all the guests asleep, a half awake employee at the front desk reading a book. Liv grabbed Ville’s large hand and led him down a deserted hallway, large doors greeted them as they rounded a corner.

Ville stopped, smiling, “I’m not very good swimmer love”

“I know, Linde told me, but we can stay in the shallows, you’ve gone deep enough for one night” Liv laughed, blushing.

Ville nudged Liv playfully as he laughed aloud. He went to open the door, but it was locked.

Liv grinned, pulling out a key from her bra, and unlocking the door.

Ville gave her a quizzical look.

“Bam” She smiled before unzipping the back of her dress and letting it fall to her feet as she stepped in, cold tile against her socks, the smell of chlorine filling her nose. She turned on the lights as Ville stepped in behind her, closing the door.

Liv heard Ville kick off his shoes and begin to strip down behind her as she stared at the smooth, undisturbed blue of the pool water. She turned her neck, Ville stood in his black boxer briefs. Extending her hand for Ville she whispered, “Let’s make the most of this night”

***

[September 12, 2013, Phoenix, Arizona]

I am, I’m holding her back, I’m being selfish. He tapped his fingers against the window of the cab, noticing as it came to a stop. He let out a heavy sigh, we’re here, back to reality, but to secrecy, to restraints. My mind should be left to wander.

He turned his head, looking down. He didn’t want to disturb her, her head gently resting on his shoulder, long black lashes fluttering as she slept, calm even breathing, the bright Phoenix sun illuminating all her lovely features, but they had arrived at the hotel. Gently he shook her until her eyelids slowly opened, a curtain rising upon the lovely hazel of her eyes.

“We’re here love” Ville smiled, stroking Liv’s cheek with his fingertips.

“Did, Did I fall asleep?” She asked confused, rubbing her eyes awake as she sat up straight, looking around.

The two had reluctantly left Philadelphia, their friends, the memories, at noon, taking a disturbingly long flight from Philadelphia to Phoenix, at least for Liv who had been quite hung over and not feeling well at all. They had arrived in Phoenix around five, Ville just managed to get an exhausted Liv into a cab over to the hotel near the Venue they would be playing at the next day.

“You did, surprisingly, it was only a half hour drive from the airport, but come, you can pass out in your hotel room, I’ve got to get sorted, we’re supposed to have a rehearsal in an hour at the venue, I’ll help you bring your things up.” He tucked a loose curl under his black beanie, adjusting his black death card tee shirt and black cardigan before unbuckling his seatbelt, handing the waiting cab driver some cash before stepping out into the warm day and going around to get the door for Liv.

She had opened the door before he could make his way over, sitting, her feet dangling out of the cab, a vacant expression on her face as she looked down at the sidewalk in front of her.

Ville sighed, crouching down on the ground in front of her. She had on a pair of white skinny jeans, a large, black Fuckface Unstoppable sweater, which Bam had given her, overtop, and a pair of black leather converse. “Please don’t be like this. I promise, I’ll try to see you every night, I’ll read your lovely letter every second of my day, I, I’ll”

Liv shut him up with a quick peck on the lips before stepping around him out of the cab and going for her suitcase in the trunk.

What else did you expect? Ville asked himself as he stood up, grabbing his suitcase and going for Liv’s only to find that she was already stubbornly stumbling through the entrance of the hotel, having grabbed all of her things, suitcase, purse, camera bag. He rolled his eyes as he followed her in, dragging is black suitcase behind him. He caught up to her at the front desk where the receptionist gave Ville and Liv their room keys, floors apart.

Silently they got into the elevator. She should be in a bad mood, especially after the day we had yesterday but do I blame her? I’m just about ready to tear my own hair out at the thought of returning to this monotonous, stressful routine of secrecy. The love and fun experienced the night before had slowly dissipated within his mind on the plane right to Phoenix. He couldn’t shake the worry. I’m holding her back, she’s experienced too little, I’m getting in the way, if we were, someday, to marry, she would only grow to subconsciously resent me. Fuck these infernal thoughts.

The doors opened on Liv’s floor and she sprang out of the elevator, stopping in front of it, her face still a mask.

“Are you positive you don’t need any help?” Ville asked, hoping she would say yes, that she would somehow catch on to his own mood, assure him that, that what? She can’t make any promises for the future.

Liv silently nodded, and then the doors slowly closed, and she vanished. Ville hit the side of the elevator in frustration as he rode up to his floor, muttering Finnish swears on his breath as he stepped out, wheeling his suitcase behind him.

He wondered what the rest of the guys were up to. Burton was probably out visiting some local shops, taking in the city. Linde was probably in a music shop, slowly making his way back, usually the first one to show up for rehearsals. Mige was probably asleep, having not slept well, as was usual for him while on tour. And Gas was probably lying in bed on his laptop, skyping his family or updating his facebook page. He slowly passed what he assumed were their doors and quickly unlocked his own, eager for a few moment of peace, though any moment of peace was a farce, his mind always revolving endless in a vicious cycle of Liv and the worries attached to her and their relationship.

Ville let his suitcase drop to the floor, gently closing the door behind him and walked over to the inviting bed in the center of his room, limply falling down upon it, closing his eyes for a moment, deep intakes of breath. He thought about going and fetching his acoustic to write some new material, he thought about re reading some Poe from his tattered copy of collected works, he thought about Bam and his move to Iceland, Bam, the bachelor party, the after party, Liv, an image of her, teeth biting down on her rouged lips, trying to keep her whimpers, cries, of ecstasy from being heard.

Suddenly Ville’s cellphone annoyingly began ringing from inside his jean pocket. Reluctantly, making a mental note to leave it turned off more often, Ville dug it out, answering it with a sigh. “Hello?”

“Ah my boy, Oletko saapunut Phoenix vielä?”( Have you arrived in Phoenix yet?) Came Seppo’s voice over the other line.

Ville sat up, crossing his legs under himself, rubbing his tired eyes, “I have, just this moment came into my room. Has our rehearsal time changed?”

“Nonono, I’d like to take you out for some food, or perhaps a coffee, I’d like a word with you before the rehearsal.”

Ville pursed his lips, it was something personal, Seppo never spoke to him like this over business matters. I don’t, I don’t need this right now, whatever it is, but I’ll humor the man.

***

The two sat at a small table in the corner of an almost empty coffee shop a few blocks away from the hotel, the rich aroma of coffee beans all around, the almost inaudible chatter of a couple a few tables away, the dulling rays of light shining in through the glass walls of the cafe. It was quiet and incredibly warm. Ville stripped off his cardigan before taking a sip of his black coffee, waiting for Seppo to begin.

Seppo looked down, sighing, he was dressed plainly, dark blue sweater over dark wash jeans, he dug out his phone, fiddling with it for a bit before turning the screen upwards and silently placing it on the table in front of Ville.

Ville looked down lazily, but quickly snatched up the phone as he registered the picture on the screen. It was him and Liv, sitting in the airport, smiles on both their faces as Ville leaned across the table, kissing her.

“Flip through, there are more” Seppo said, sitting back in his chair, sipping his coffee.

Ville flipped to the next picture, it was of him holding Liv’s hand as he, Liv, Bam, and Nikki left the small restaurant they had gone to for lunch. He let out an angry sigh as he saw the next picture, it was of him and Liv returning to the party after their little swim. Both their hair soaking, Ville carried Liv in his arms, her arms around his neck, both laughing as Ville, eyes closed, kiss Liv’s forehead. They next was a video, dark, shaky, a voice in the background, ‘oh my god, is that Ville Valo? No, I can’t believe it, who’s that chick?’ Light’s in the nightclub illuminating flashes of him and Liv in the corner, their lips eagerly moving against one another.

He set the phone down in front of Seppo, his hands balling into fists before he rubbed his face in frustration.

“I wouldn’t have brought it up in any other situation, but I know that you would like this all kept a secret. I’ve been doing my part, there have been other photographs, but nothing like this. Ville how do you expect me to keep this buried under the carpet if you so blatantly flaunt it?”

Ville looked away, I don’t need a lecture right now. “Fuck.” He grumbled. “I can’t help it, it’s love, I love her, how else am I supposed to act?” There was a mix of anger and pleading in his tone, pleading for someone to understand, for someone to help sort his mind.

“Would you like to stop hiding your relationship with Liv?” Seppo asked, lacing his fingers together on the table and leaning towards Ville.

“I don’t know what I want anymore. I wanted her, I wanted her and resented her for it, who was she, this young beautiful woman to just stumble into my life and weaken me so. Then I had her, it was bliss, yet now, slowly, there’s just frustration, worry mixed with bits and pieces of complete euphoria. And now I have your words plaguing me. Your worry about where me and her are going, your worry about me breaking her heart, I fuckin worry about it a lot, but recently, recently I can see it, in the distance. I, you’re right, you’re completely right. Spare her. Set what you love free, all that bull shit. I’m going to hold her back.”

Seppo scratched his head with worry at the state of Ville, he unexpectedly opened the floodgates of Ville’s mind. “Calm down my boy, tell me, what brought this all on? Why now?”

Ville shut his eyes tightly, feeling the warmth of the sun on his cheek. “If you ever think that I take what you ever tell me lightly, then you’re mistaken, deeply. Your first scolding, it has stayed with me, I push it away, I bury it 6 feet under, but yesterday, the issue of marriage arose and it dawned on me. I’m at the age where people are generally married, they have families, I could, If I wanted to, be in such a place as to be able to successfully settle down with a woman. Yet Liv, she, she’s”

“Too young?” Seppo whispered in sympathy at Ville’s struggle for words.

“I had a mental break last night, alcohol does that, but this morning, it all came back in such a daunting deluge.” He couldn’t meet Seppo’s gaze any longer, he stared down at the table before him. “I love her, I love her too much, I, I can’t leave her, I need her, I can’t breathe, sleep, eat without her Seppo. I don’t know what to do.” His eyes filled with involuntary tears at the thought of not being with Liv any longer. He fought the tears from spilling over.

Seppo took a moment, gathering his thoughts, taking a sip of his coffee before replying, sadness in his voice. “A sudden detachment will only wreck you both at this point, and I say both of you, for did I not warn you about breaking that poor girls heart, did I ever tell you about the night I saw tears in her lovely eyes, and I knew, I knew she shed those tears because of you. Perhaps what is best might be a ‘break’. Take some time, make sure this is what you want, give her the same option, then decide.”

***

He was glad to rehearse, looked forward to it. A way to clear his mind, let his music fill him up, calm him, a release to the pent up ball of, he didn’t even know what it was. His talk with Seppo had left him broken, angry, torn, confused.

He took a deep drag of his Marlboro as he leaned against the cold brick wall of the venue he would be playing at the next night. He was already late for rehearsal, but he had to have just one more, just one more cigarette, easing his mind, watching the smoke swirl and twist in the fading light of the hot Arizona day.

Am I being a sick masochist? Am I unnecessary bringing this issue up to punish myself in some way? To stop myself from being happy for once? No. It’s for her. It has nothing to do with me. I need to make sure that she’ll be happy. Ville cringed at the thought of telling Liv. He didn’t know how she would react, to a little time apart, just a little time, test the waters of, the cigarette shook between his lips, separation.

He tossed the burnt out remains of his cigarette and entered through the back door, his pass clipped to the bottom of his black tee shirt.

Roadies ran around the backstage, setting everything up for the next day’s performance as Ville walked through the dark confounds towards the stage. He spotted Jarno, a wad of chords in his arms, off to the side of the stage, smiling ear to ear, a daze in his eyes as the opening notes to Sleepwalking Past Hope began to play.

Strange, thought Ville, we aren’t even playing it for this tour. He walked past Jarno, giving him a start, and stepped out onto the outdoor stage. The harsh stage lights glaring down at him, he squinted, it was Liv, she stood at Burtons keyboard, surrounded by the guys, repeating the sweet opening notes. Ville stopped to watch. Burton stood next to Liv, adding in embellishments to the notes, while Gas laughed as he spoke with Mige, his bass around his neck, Linde nearby, eyes closed, enjoying the sound of Liv’s playing as he quietly tuned his guitar.

He could see as Liv spotted him from across the stage. Her sweet welcoming smile changing instantly as she saw whatever must have been painted all over his face. She looked down at the keyboard instantly, she didn’t like what she saw, Ville thought. Liv began transitioning the song to Mozart’s, Lacrimosa Requiem, the sombre notes filling the outdoor stadium as Ville approached.

I sound like a movie Villain, approaching slowly to the demise of some poor character, Ville thought. He shook his mind, stopping on the other side of the keyboard, watching Liv’s nimble fingers race across the keys, her head, eyes closed, swaying to the force of the notes, she quickly wrapped up the song however and stepped away from the keyboard, her eyes lowered as Mige interrupted the silence following her melancholy notes with boisterous applause.

“I’ll leave you guys to rehearse then” She almost whispered, grabbing her purse up off the ground, the suns setting rays casting lovely shadows on her face.

“You scared her off!” Mige teased, adjusting the strap of his base.

“If anything” Ville said, putting on a false smile, “it’s the smell of you. Come on, we had a few days off, you could have at least used the time to shower.”

Mige laughed and went to the side of the stage to plug in his bass.

Ville watched as Liv made her retreat. “I’ll be right back” He called as he quickly walked off the other side of the stage, just managing to cut Liv off in the shadows.

Liv jumped as he stepped out in front of her.

“Sorry” Ville apologized, running a hand through his hair, his heart nervously thumping. Is this a good idea? He looked around to make sure no one was in ear shot. “Are you alright love?”

Liv chewed her bottom lip nervously, looking up at Ville, contemplating his question. “I don’t know” She looked up into his eyes with worry, she was almost shaking. She slowly reached a trembling hand out to Ville’s cheek, but retracted it. “Are you?” She reluctantly asked. She wasn’t dumb or naïve, she could tell that something was terribly wrong.

Ville stuck his hands in his pockets, fighting with the contents within, like a coward he turned his eyes away from Liv, “I love you, I’ve loved you prima facie, at first sight. The other night was perfect, it was complete love and bliss, but darling, I, I think perhaps a little time apart might do us both some good. Go, be young, be free, without me. You need the space and so do I. Please don’t think you did anything wrong, you didn’t, I still love you with the burning passion of a thousand suns, but, I just…” He looked back at Liv, she looked to the side, eyes a blank stare, a slight quiver to her jaw. “Liv, please say something.”

“If” Her voice cracked slightly, her jaw tightened as she turned her face up to Ville, “If it’s what you want.”

It took every ounce of self-control for Ville to refrain from wrapping his arms around her, a cage around his bird, she doesn’t need to be free, from taking back everything he had just said, the most he could muster was a curt nod and a tight set mouth, keeping an apology and beg for forgiveness from spewing forth out of his lips.

Liv bit down on her lower lip, breaking the skin. “Sorry” she whispered before turning on her heels and walking off, fading away into the shadows.