Heartaches Knocking on Her Door

[Brooklyn, Sept 28th, 2013]

She looked around the room, pristine. No piles of clothes littered the floor, or jewelry on the counters, or empty beer cans.

The rain came down in torrents outside, it had begun some time last night, ominous clouds conquering the clear sky, one drop, two, and then a seemingly never ending deluge into the night, and continuing strong as Liv made sure the last of her miscellaneous things were packed for tomorrow.

She took a seat at the edge of her bed, chewing her bottom lip, wiping the sleep from her eyes. Feeling a queasiness in her stomach.

She wasn’t sure. She didn’t know. She couldn’t decide. Do I stay? Do I stay behind, clear my mind, figure things out?
She bit her lip harder, butterflies in her stomach. She didn’t know, she honestly didn’t know if she would get on that flight the next day, the flight back home, no, Liv thought, back to Helsinki. That city isn’t my home. I don’t have a home.

She sighed, getting up, the hotel room mattress creaking. Giving herself a quick look in the mirror, Liv grabbed her purse and headed out the door. She hoped she looked respectable, like she was a woman who had her life together, who knew who she was, where she was going, it was all completely fake however, but she hoped she could fool her grandfather nonetheless.

Buttoning up the buttons on her gray pea coat, Liv rode the elevator down. She’d dressed in black skinny jeans, black low heeled booties, a deep green button up, fully buttoned up, and her black rosary, dangling beneath the coat.

She felt uncomfortable, all she’d wanted to do was wear sweat pants and a sweater, remaining in her hotel room until the show, the last show of the Rock Allegiance Tour. Just drink and sleep and think. Mige’s talk the night before had been helpful, his company, jokes, raucous laughter, it had put her in a better mood, but as soon as she’d gone back to her hotel room after watching a couple of zombie flicks, she had gone back to the low she had been feeling ever since the night before Tyler had arrived, ever since returning from Philadelphia. She just couldn’t shake the feeling of helplessness against some impending dread.

She rushed out from the shelter of the hotel, the rain instantly soaking her loose curls before she could duck into the cab that waited for her on the curb, the heater on full. Telling the cab driver the address of her grandfather’s home, it was nearly twelve. She leaned her head against the cold window, watching the rain streak down, waiting for the driver to input the address into his GPS.

Her finger mindlessly drawing doodles, heartagrams, on the fogged up window, she noticed Ville, his usual Marlboro between his lips, bundled up in a black sweater, black beanie hiding his hair, he was staring mindlessly into the distance. She bit her lip, finger tips pressed up against the glass. What had happened? How had things gone so wrong?

He looked, he looked sad, contemplative and sad, standing out in the rain. And then suddenly he was gone, the taxi driving off.

***

“I wonder dear, what it would have been like having you live here with me”

Liv closed her eyes, letting her fingers move delicately across her grandfather’s grand piano, as she played Spiegel im Spiegel, feeling the slight indentations where his fingers has had played for years. She wondered that too lately, what would things have been like. If things had just gone differently, she would be living here right now, in the small bedroom her grandfather had already decorated with black and white furniture, a black and white bed spread, her extra belongings in neatly stacked boxes in the closet thanks to Marcus.

“I think” Liv sighed, her eyes still closed. “I think it would have been nice, quiet, comforting.”

“You don’t feel those things now? With this new life on tour?” Her grandfather asked, pulling a chair out from the small dining room table and bringing it next to the piano, taking care not to drag it on his already worn hardwood floor.

“It can be lonely in some ways.” Liv shrugged. Why am I playing such a melancholy song, she thought, the last time I played this song was… was back in Helsinki. That time seemed so far away now, it was sad in many ways, still coming to terms with her mother’s passing, but the new world of photography, of the tour life which she had been submerged in had helped, and so had he, in so many ways, and he would never know.

Liv abruptly stopped, turning to her grandfather with a smile, unable to play the song any longer. “You said you wanted to show me something?” She tried to smile, looking into his aged green eyes, eyes which looked much sadder than she remembered. The last time she’d seen him in person had been when she was twelve, her parents had left her with him for a summer as they tried to sort through their marital problems. He looked a lot like her father, in many ways. Wrinkles littered his face, prominent laugh lines, and ever present smile being the cause. He had, what Liv thought, the most beautiful freckles, in some way, they still made him look youthful, those and his eyes, a deep green. His hair was cropped short, light gray, a peppered beard. He was dressed in a green and white plaid long sleeve shirt, with a beige knitted vest overtop, khaki’s, and of course his usual paperboy hat.

“Ah, I did” He grinned, getting up slowly from his seat.

After a seemingly endless drive out into the outskirts of the city Liv had arrived at her grandfather’s small one story home in a suburban like neighborhood, lush tree’s lining the sidewalks, small plastic swing sets in people’s front yards. He’d welcomed her at the door with a large hug, inviting her in instantly, sitting her down at his small dining room table which overlooked his front yard, eating the BLT’s he had made them for lunch. They’d chatted away, mindlessly, catching up, never touching on anything too heavy, until they’d finished and her grandfather had asked Liv to play the piano for him, he use to relish in her playing when she was a child.

“It’s just this way” Her grandfather could hardly contain his excitement as he led Liv to a side door in the kitchen which led out to his garage. “Alright, now I know, what with traveling, you won’t be able to use it too much, but I’d really love for you to take it out today, get as much use out of it while you can.” He grinned, flicking on the garage light and pointing to a beautiful black car. “It’s a 1975 Cadillac Fleetwood”

Liv’s hand covered her mouth in surprise, it was stunning. She slowly walked up to it in awe, letting her hand trail along the dusty hood. She turned to smile at her grandfather who stood in the doorway admiring her reaction. “But, but I can’t, it’s…”

“Now before you turn it down, I’ll have you know I bought it off a friend for a really low price, all I had to do was repair a few things, runs really smooth.” He tossed Liv the keys, switching on the garage door opener. As the door creaked its way up, he went around to the passenger side, waiting as Liv still stood in shock gripping the keys. “Well come on dear, don’t you want to take her for a drive.”

Liv grinned, opening it up, I mean, I knew he had gotten me a car, but this? She couldn’t contain her smile as she hopped into the car, opening the door for her grandfather and sticking the key into the ignition. The interior was a faded black leather with a few scratches here and there, and smelled of cigarette smoke, it was perfect.

Liv’s grandfather began laughing next to her as the car roared to life. “so you like it?”

Liv quickly turned and embraced him, trying to fight back the tears, “I love it” She laughed, pulling back, trying to discreetly wipe at her eyes, “you really didn’t have to” It’s too much, I , I don’t deserve it, after, after barely staying in contact with him after Richard had left, all those years, and I, I just

“I did though. I should have been there more for you, especially after you father left, and I wasn’t. I feel as if the men in your life always seem to let you down dear, and when I heard of your mothers passing, I thought I could begin to fix that, restore your faith. I know a car isn’t going to make up for anything, but Liv, dear, I hope it’s a start.”

Liv bit down on her lip, and nodded wordlessly, staring out in front of her at the pouring rain coming down hard on the gray driveway. She was on the verge, the verge of letting all her all-consuming worries burst out, worries about her father, her future, Ville, bottling it up, drinking the thoughts away, they weren’t working. She whispered a “thank you” before pulling out of the driveway.

Her grandfather stayed respectfully silent beside her as she drove around the neighborhood, the car running smoother than she could have imagined, the heat in working condition too, flowing out in a low hum.

Liv finally broke the silence.

Eyes ahead of her, windshield wipers flashing back and forth as the rain fell in torrents, “How, how is he, do you know?”

A pause filled the hair, the heater rumbling, the rain beating down on the car.

“He’s, they’ve tried to bring him out of it, but he, his body is staying in the comma. They told me this morning that the longer he remains in the coma, the more likely it is that he won’t wake up… that he’ll be in a vegetative state.” Came his deep, strained, saddened voice beside her. “There was a lot of hemorrhaging from the overdose.”

“Oh” Liv managed to say as she tried to focus on the road ahead of her, making her way back to her grandfathers.

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t planning on telling you though if you didn’t ask. I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about dear, your fathers always been a fighter.” He placed a comforting hand on Liv’s shoulder.

“Oh yeah, like he fought against his drug addiction?” Liv let slip, instantly regretting the words as her grandfather retracted his hand, “No. Sorry. Let’s uh, let’s not talk about it.”

Neither of them had brought up her father after that. The two had remained inside the comfort of the small warm home after returning, talking more. Liv’s grandfather talked on about his auto repair shop and one of his neighbours he was mustering up the courage to ask on a date, while Liv hesitantly talked about the band, the tour, her career.

There was something in the worried eyes of her grandfather, sneaking sad glances at her between their light conversations, he knows, Liv had thought, that there’s, there’s something, me, I’m, it’s all fucked up.

“Grandpa?” Liv asked as shrugged on her coat to leave, checking her phone quickly, it was six, already? Somehow the day had just flown by and suddenly the light gray sky began to darken, and there was only a couple of hours until the show, she had to be there early to take candid’s.

“If I were to show up here tomorrow, with the car, and my suitcases, you wouldn’t turn me away would you?” She bit her lip, she honestly didn’t know, she didn’t know if he would let her stay, she didn’t know if she would.

“Of course dear” He said, sounding almost hurt that she had to ask.

Liv smiled in relief, giving him a lingering hug before running out into the fading day, rain soaking her instantly as she crossed his driveway, practically diving into the car for shelter.

Balancing her phone in the dash, a GPS app set up so she could find her way back, silence consuming the car, Liv drove back, with her thoughts

Maybe if I at least spent the short break here? If I just was alone. Liv bit her lip, shivering slightly, her hair damp, trickling drops down her blouse. I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do in Helsinki, I don’t belong there, I, I can’t be there while me and, while we’re, while this is all so fucked up.

What happened?

What the fuck happened?

Silent tears streamed down Liv’s cheeks as she remembered a far off time, a time when she had woken up, in his arms, how he’d scooped her up and they’d sat out, enjoying the beautiful morning, not a care.

Suddenly Liv felt her cheeks begin to warm, become hot, stomach churn. She managed to hastily pull over, throw open the door before she threw up outside the car. Her stomach heaving, emptying out what little she had actually eaten that day. She could barely get a breath in before her stomach emptied itself again, and again. This wasn’t the first time in the past few days. Rain soaking the interior of the car, her hair, her clothes.

“Fuck!” Liv cried in utter defeat after her stomach had finally settled.

She crawled back into the car, wiping her mouth, cranking the heat, and curling up in her seat, bringing her legs up, resting her rain soaked head between her knees.

“what the fuck is wrong with me?” Liv said aloud, her voice cracking from the soreness in her throat.

I’m barely talking to Marcus, I’ve practically been skipping out on work, distancing myself from friends, getting plastered every night these past few days. I’ve been a fuckin heartless daughter. And I’ve completely fucked up my relationship, I

I can’t anymore

I’m going to have a fucking mental break if I don’t start to fix things, somehow

***

The harsh city, it’s blaring lights against the tearful night zipped by in a blur.

The last show of the tour had been great, fine. Everyone had played well, no fuck ups, but it just, it wasn’t right, Ville thought angrily, his brow furrowing as he continued to look out of the cab he shared with Mige, Burton, and Seppo on their way back to the hotel.

He couldn’t help it, he felt as if he was always angry these days. Not a fucking word between us in the past few days, what, what the fuck are you doing Liv? Not coming to the previous couple of shows, returning no one’s calls, and always with that fucking Tyler, drinking and drinking.

Ville twisted off the cap of the jagermeister he had clutched in his hand, his silver rings clinking against the glass or the bottle. He brought it up to his lips, letting the liquor flow down his throat in a steady stream, body relaxing instantly.

“Hey hey hey, rauhoitu” (take it easy)

Ville stopped, dark eyes looking out from over the bottle, the bitter taste in his mouth.

“pace yourself, there’s still that record party thing” Mige smiled, wiping the sweat from his forehead with his beanie, a bottle of water in one hand.

“We’ve been like old women lately, It’ll be nice to go out, especially since it’s our last night in America, at least until next year.” Burton chimed in, tying his hair back.

Ville turned back to the window. I don’t want to go, I don’t want to go to some ridiculous party where I’ll just be tormented, like I am, every fucking minute. He took another swig of his jagermeister, tuning out Mige and Burton’s conversation, letting his mind wonder back to the show, seeing Liv, after what felt like ages. She looked pale, confused, disorientated. Speaking listlessly, moving sluggishly when she had arrived early to take candid’s, barely speaking, just doing her job and then suddenly rushing off, only to return for their performance looking even worse.

What was she on this time? How much did she drink this time? Ville thought, bringing his knee’s up, ignoring the fact that he was getting the cab seat dirty with his shoes, he rested his elbows up on his knees. If something is going on, if she’s moved on, why can’t she fucking face me, just speak to me for once?

He took a deep breath, his jaw clenching.

“was that Liv?”

Ville’s head snapped away from the window, bringing himself into the conversation.

Seppo sat in the front with the cab driver, he was turned, facing the back seats looking confused, his phone clutched in his hand. “Hän sanoo, että hän ei ehkä tule palata kanssamme. Että hän saa jatkaa kanssa kiertueella ollenkaan …” (She says that she might not come back with us. That she may not continue on with the tour at all…)

Ville’s heart sank, his mind couldn’t formulate a thought. What? Why?

Mige let out a sound of exasperation, “Did, did she say why?” He asked, his eyes saddening.

“She can’t do that” Ville suddenly cut in, his voice coming out angrier than he intended, he shifted in his seat leaning in towards Seppo.

Seppo’s eyes lowered with pity. It was obvious, obvious to anyone who knew about Ville and Liv that by Ville’s reaction, something was wrong. Ville didn’t know. She hadn’t talked to him. “Pelkään hän voi. Hän ei ole sopimusta, emmekä koskaan keskustellut hänen osallistuminen seuraavaan etapin farmari.” (I’m afraid she can. She’s not on a contract, and we never discussed her participation in the next leg of your touring.)

Ville bit back his words, his frustration, hurt, questioning words, and turned abruptly back to the window.

“I’m sure we can convince her to stay, charm her into it” Burton laughed beside Ville.

How could she? How could she just, just pull something like that? On me? Just because things have been really fucked up doesn’t mean I don’t still love her. Doesn’t mean has to fucking run away from this, from us. Running away is giving up, she’s giving up.

He began to shake with anger.

Yes, yes I started this, I can fucking admit it but I called, I tried calling, I tried talking to her and she, she’s just off with him, what was I supposed to do?

The cab pulled up to the curb outside of the hotel room, the pouring rain becoming more audible. Throwing open the cab door violently Ville stepped out, the downpour soaking him instantly. He could feel the effects of his jagermeister, and the beer’s he’d had at the show, his balance slightly off, but he ignored it, he ignored it and the rain and went to stand up against the hotel, off of the sidewalk, waving off Mige who tried to get him to get out of the rain.

His anger was slowly building, his body shaking as his temper began to rise, the rain soaking his beanie, his thin cardigan, as he pulling a Marlboro out of the pack and lit it, trying to ease the emotions which threatened to envelope him.

She can’t, she can’t just, we, I…

“I thought you wanted a more dramatic death than ‘death of cold’” A soft voice whispered from nearby, a voice like bells in the night, drowning out the torrent of rain.

The voice unmistakable, it was his whole world, love and torment, so tragically beautiful.

Ville turned to face her, his cigarette slowly beginning to be crushed between his fingers.

She looked like she had at the show, skin paler than usual, her hazel eyes wide. Hair wet from the rain, she clutched her gray coat close to her, cheeks flushed from the cold, cigarette between her fingers, looking up at him.

He stayed silent, his lips pressed together in a thin line. She should go, she shouldn’t be here, the alcohol, the anger…

“Can, can we talk?” Her meek voice rang out, lip immediately darting between her teeth, nervous.

And then it bubbled over

“Why? So you can suddenly tell me that you’re staying? Huh? So you can be with Tyler? So you can keep up with the fucked up lifestyle you’ve been maintaining for the past couple of days? For fucks sakes, what happened? What happened to you?” He almost shouted, taking a step towards Liv, the rain trailing down his face.

Fire sparked in Liv’s eyes. “Now you want to know? Now you want to know what happened to me? You, you fucking happened! This break, this fucking secret.” She tried to lower her voice, passerby’s looking on worriedly.

“Don’t you dare try to pin this on me. You’ve been on god knows what, out doing stupid shit, you haven’t come to the last few shows, this isn’t fucking my fault.” He spat out, looming over her with anger, his chest rising and falling with impassioned breaths.

“Yes! I’ve been fucked up but you don’t even fucking care! I fucking tried alright, I tried. You told me,” She could barely choke out the words, “you told me it didn’t matter if we were in a fight, I could tell you anything, I could come to you, and you weren’t fucking there for me! I needed you and you weren’t there! I’ve been hurting and I’ve had no one, so don’t point the finger! She wiped at her eyes violently, looking up at Ville with pleading for some understanding, but his mind was too clouded.

“So what? You fucking ran off into the arms of Tyler? Huh Liv? Just fucking moved on?” He ripped off his beanie, running his hand through his hair.

Her continence crumbled, “there’s no fucking use talking to you” She turned to leave.

“Oh yeah, just run off, like you always fucking do Liv, when something goes wrong, just fucking avoid it” He called after her, spitting out the words as she walked into the hotel room.

His burnt out cigarette fell from his fingers as he brought his hands up to his face, rubbing it in frustration as he leaned back against the cool wall of the hotel. Fuck, FUCK!

***

Trying to hold back sobs she jumped out of the elevator, in a hurry to return to her room. How could he be so cold? So hurtful?

“Hey do you ever answer your ph… Liv are you alright?” Tyler stood outside of Liv’s hotel room door, dressed in a neat, plain black tee shirt, his brown leather jacket overtop, and black jeans, his straight light brown hair loose, growing beard trimmed. He immediately came towards Liv as he saw her distraught appearance approaching.

She waved him off, trying to stop from crying, “Tyler just, I just” She walked past him, fumbling in her pocket for her room key and shakily opening her door, Tyler on her heels.

He closed the door behind her, flicking on the light and grabbing her in a hug.

“I wasn’t ready, I fucking knew it. I was, am too fucked up to have a relationship, I just, I wasn’t ready, I’m too fucking young, I…” It just came spilling out. She’d joked with Marcus back in May, that she was nowhere near ready for any kind of relationship, she was too emotionally unstable, and he, Ville, had just came into her life and she couldn’t stop it, her feelings had escalated, she got ahead of herself, she wasn’t ready, she wasn’t ready for a relationship, let alone one with someone far more mature than she, I wasn’t even ready to fall in love, she thought as she held onto Tyler, letting the tears flow.

Tyler held her, letting her cry it out on his shoulder, staying silent, the pitter-patter of rain outside Liv’s window, until Liv had finally cried herself out after a few minutes. He pulled her face out from the crook in his shoulder, holding her by the chin, “Whoever this guy is, whatever he did, just, just get back at him, I know that sounds like shitty advice, but it’s the only thing I can think of, come out to that party, with me, have fun, mingle, you’ll feel better.”

Liv let go of Tyler, wiping her eyes and sitting down on the edge of her bed, face in her hands, hair spilling out around her face, “Tyler, drinking doesn’t always work, I don’t think I, I shouldn’t, it’s done enough as is.”

He crossed the room, kneeling in front of Liv, moving her hands away from her eyes, “You deserve so much better” He smiled, before standing up and walking over to her suitcase, “I won’t take no for an answer, you’re going out.” He said sternly, unzipping her suitcase and rummaging around, tossing an item at Liv.

She sighed, holding, feeling the softness of the fabric between her fingers. It was one of the new articles of clothing she had bought with Tyler, a long sleeved, short, dark red, crushed velvet dress which flared out at the waist, and which had a very low back. “Tyler I don’t”

“Yes you do” He said, cutting her off, “now where’s your stash?” He smiled, facing her.

Reluctantly Liv pointed to a plastic bag near her suitcase, Tyler pulled out a beer and passed it to Liv, who caught it. She held it up, turning the warm can around in her hand, butterflies running rampant in her stomach. I, I shouldn’t. “Tyler, I really don’t think I should tonight, if, if I start I don’t know if I, if I’ll”

“Liv you’re overthinking, it’s just another night out drinking with a friend, what’s there to be worried about, plus I’ll take care of you, don’t worry.” He cracked open a beer, eyeing Liv to follow his lead.

She sighed, opening the can and quickly drank the beer, wiping her lips before standing up. The dress clutched in her hands she got up and walked to the washroom, kicking off her booties, closing the door behind her.

She let the dress slip from her hands onto the floor as she stood in front of the mirror, what little eyeliner she had put on that morning had been cried away, her cheeks flushed, hair still damp from being out in the rain, out in the rain with Ville.

She bit down on her lip closing her eyes.

One more night, just one more night, I can do that can’t I? See him there, flash him a smile, act like, like fucking what Liv? Like this all didn’t happen? Every touch, smile, loving words whispered as you held each other in the glow of night? Act like that all never happened? Like you’re not hurting?

She slowly opened her lids, the faded remnants of scratches still remained on her one hand, she flipped it over, looking at the healing gash, an angry pink scar had formed, she thought back on that night, that stupid fight, they could have fixed things after that, but then, the call, I, I needed him and he wasn’t there, I needed him so bad. She sucked in an angry breath. How dare he be angry with me.

She quickly snatched up the dress and began to change

***

Home, I want home, home and solitude, and more liquor, my only friends, the most truest of companions, devils advocates.

He leant his head back closing his eyes. Ville sat in his empty tub, feet resting on the faucet, arms on the sides, a few empty beer cans beside him.

Things can never be fucking easy can they? One fuck up after another, one failed relationship after another. He ran his fingers through his hair, I’m not going to recover, not from this one. It frightened him.

He thought about calling, again, to wish Bam a happy birthday for a second time, but the bastards too intuitive. He’d caught on instantly to Ville’s mood, prodding for an explanation, though Ville refused to give one, talking about the problem only made it that much real, set it afire, brought it to fruition.

He sighed, wondering if he would truly set off the smoke alarm if he lit a cigarette, the soothing smoke filling him up and calming his nerves.

A loud knocking at his door interrupted his dreaming.

Drunkenly rolling off the edge and out of the tub, gripping the counter to stand up he laughed, “While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, as of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.” His voice boomed as he went to open the door, unsurprised by his visitor.

Mige stood in the hallway, beard tamed, a fresh shirt on, leather jacket, ripless jeans. He looked Ville up and down with disappointment, “I thought you’d be ready and we could cab down to that record party together.”

Ville swung his door open but turned and walked back into the confounds of his room, “But alas, I don’t want to go” He chuckled to himself, taking a faltering step but steadying himself.

“Stop making an ass of yourself, now have a glass of water and get dressed, we have to go.” Mige said, taking a seat in an armchair in the corner of the room.

Ville rolled his eyes. Mige was the clown, forever the clown, but forever the wise old man, or at least he tried to be, taking the reins when he saw fit. “yes äiti, right away äiti”(mother) He folded his legs beneath him and took a seat on the ground in front of Mige, stretching to grab a beer he spotted under the bed, twisting off the lid and bringing it to his lips. “What is this, this soiree exactly?”

“Razor and Tie are hosting a party at this local Metal Bar, a few other bands signed to the label will be there and people who work with them.” Mige shrugged, leaning back in his chair, watching as Ville eagerly drank his beer.

“I’m not going” Ville said stubbornly between sips, getting up, grabbing the edge of the bed for support.

Can’t he just leave me be? Let me alone with my thoughts and beer.

He turned to return to the washroom, prepared to lock himself in for the rest of the night.

“Toivon Liv päättää tulla.” (I hope Liv decides to come) Came Mige’s casual voice from the corner of the room where he still sat, legs crossed.

Ville’s foot stopped mid step, he turned slowly to face Mige with a raised brow, “Oh?”

Fiddling with his phone, he didn’t look up, “Yes, she’s been having a hard time lately, I hope she stays behind too, uses the time to visit her father.” He scratched his beard nonchalantly

“mitä?” (what?) Why, why would she visit her father? After what he had done to her? She hates him.

“Oh she didn’t tell you?” Mige raised his eyes from his phone, scratching his beard, “I don’t want to discuss her personal affairs without her consent, but, although she didn’t give me any details, the other night she confessed to me that her father is in a coma.” His eyes saddened.

“No, no no no.” I don’t believe it. No. She would’ve told me, she would’ve…

And then it dawned on him, that, that phone call, she, she, ‘I need you, I need you now more than ever, please’ and I…

He finished his bottle, setting it down next to the TV, “let’s go”

***

She didn’t know if it was the bottle of whiskey she’d shared with Tyler on the walk over, of if it was his words, slowly riling her up, her blood boiling with anger, but she felt invincible, invincible and bitter.

Liv walked arm in arm with Tyler who held an umbrella above their heads, the rain having picked up, coming down more forceful than ever.

She’d changed into her dress, pulled on shear black tights, darkened her eyes with black shadow, rouged her lips with her darkest red lipstick, thrown on her leather jacket, slipping on the same shoes from earlier, tossed keys and money in her pockets and headed out the door, determined to make the most of the night, and to not think, about him, about anything.

She heard the bar before she saw it, muted metal music coming from within a black brick building up ahead, she loved it already.

“So what’s this placed called?” She asked trying to maintain her balance, holding onto a smiling Tyler tightly. She’d already had too much, a little less than half a bottle of whiskey and a beer.

Supporting her wait he laughed, “This is like the fourth time I’m telling you, it’s called Saint Vitus, it’s a pretty heavy place, but from what I hear, it’ll be more laid back tonight since the whole place is rented out for the night by the record company.”

Liv stopped, as the neared the entrance, letting go of Tyler and leaning against the rain soaked wall to her left, fumbling in her jacket pocket for her pack of cigarettes as she chuckled, “now why exactly are we going?”

Tyler stood in front of her, the tips of their toes almost touching, still holding up the umbrella, “because beautiful, you work for HIM, and HIM words for Razor and Tie. I work for Inferno, which got me on the list cause I’m interviewing one of the bands that’ll be there later on in the evening. Don’t worry, it’ll be a quick interview, just going to use a tape recorder, I shouldn’t be away from you long.” He smiled.

He was so close, Liv could smell the whiskey on his breath above the scent of her cigarette. She brought her hands to her ears, the rain, it was too loud, the sound was drowning her.

“Tyler, you’ll make sure I won’t do anything dumb right?” She said, looking towards the bar.

“You have control over yourself, I’m just gonna make sure you don’t fall or knock shit over” He smiled, tucking a strand of Liv’s hair behind her ear. “I have some E if you’d like”

Liv shook her head, “No, not tonight.” She pulled out a mini bar sized Jack Daniels from her jacket pocket, tossing it back, much to Tyler’s amusement, before She slid out from between Tyler’s body and the wall, ignoring the rain pounding down on her, and heading towards the entrance of the bar, trying her best to stay steady. She pulled out her phone to check the time, it was nearing eleven.

The bouncer checked her name off his list and she quickly darted into the bar, Tyler on her heels, the walls practically rattled from the live band playing from somewhere within, as she peered around the dark bar in awe. There was a long, dark wooden bar running along the entire left side, thorny roses dangling above chattering guests dressed in a mix between casual and dressy. Behind the busy bartenders, men covered in tattoo’s, was an impressive wall lined with shelves and shelves of shining glasses of liqueur. She squirmed through the throng of guests standing in groups, sitting at the bar, sitting in the few tables along the right side of the bar. She looked up, the effects of the extra whiskey coursing through her, on the ceiling was a stained glass, light panel, of a crucified Jesus, beautiful, Liv thought. She wasn’t sure where she was going, but her feet were leading her across the bar to a large doorway, black curtains sectioning off one part of the bar from the other.

Letting her hand glide up and down the soft fabric she pulled revealing an a large open space, packed with bodies.

“I didn’t know so many people were going to be here” Tyler whispered in Liv’s ear as she gazed around.

Right across from her, past the head banging bodies was a small stage, a band playing enthusiastically. Long haired lead singing screaming into the microphone, guitarist thrashing around, bassist stamping his feet, drummers sticks coming down in rolls of thunder. Behind them was what she figured was the bars emblem, a one eyed skull inside a circle and pyramid.

Before she could help it she was stumbling into the press of bodies, hair whipping around her. There something about the liquor in her, the atmosphere, that made her feel like a teenager again, when she’d go with Marcus to any and all the metal shows in town, but back then not a drop was needed, a friend, the music, it was all she had needed.

She slipped off her jacket, letting her hair dance around her.

The song came to a loud, dramatic end.

“You know, I think you’ve been holding back on me these past few days, when you let go you’re truly something Liv” Tyler smiled. He’d taken his jacket off too, brightly colored tattoo’s shining in the shining lights coming from the stage. “Come, let’s have another drink” He placed his hand around Liv’s waist and began leading her back to the bar area, just as the band began to play another song.

She looked back at the crowd longingly as they pushed back the way they’d come. Liv looked down at Tyler’s hand on her waist, not completely comfortable, but so what? She thought, no, not so what, he’s a friend, just a friend, right?

They squeezed in at the very end of the bar. As Tyler ordered them two whiskeys Liv turned, her back against the bar, elbows resting on it, she looked around for the guys, spotting Linde and Gas at a table laughing with a few other men she didn’t recognize. Where are the rest of them? Seppo?

Suddenly she heard Tyler make an odd noise beside her, he had paused in the processes of handing her her glass of whiskey.

“What?” Liv asked, taking the glass and following his gaze before he quickly composed his features. Walking through the throng of guests was a tall, auburn haired woman.

Her.

Liv almost chocked on her sip of whiskey.

Sandra was dressed in black skinny jeans, black peep toe wedges, and an incredibly low cut, green, lace, peplum tank top, her breasts almost spilling out. She flashed white smiles at a few people she recognized until she was right in front of Liv and Tyler, but her eyes just passed over them, hints of recognition sparkling in her brown irises until she continued walking.

The last time Liv had seen Sandra had been back in July, the dinner she’d gone to at Linde’s, when Ville and Sandra had been together, it was all too easy to remember the confused jumble of feelings she had had, confused by Ville, the way he had acted. He should’ve stayed with her, Liv thought, clutching her glass for support, watching as Sandra melted into the crowd, I wouldn’t be as fucking hurt as I am, but you would have missed out on so much too, she told herself. She took a sip of her whiskey, I’ve got two minds tonight, and I hate them both.

“Is it working” Came Tyler’s whisper in her ear, his lips just barely touching her, “is the hurt gone?”

“I fucking hope so” She slurred before taking another sip, and then another, until the glass was empty, she set it down on the table behind her, looking to Tyler, what to do next?

“Good” He smirked. “Now I’ll be right back, I just wanna make sure someone is here who I was hoping to see tonight.” He brought his face inches from hers, “meet you in the mosh pit” He smiled before leaving her side.

Liv watched as he left, sighing before turning towards the bar, debating whether or not to order herself another drink, her body swaying slightly to the music blaring from the other room. She shook her head of the thought, and slowly walked back to the sectioned off room, things had begun to blur, it was warm, far too warm in there. Pulling back the curtain she slipped in, I need air, it’s suffocating in here. She leaned herself into the far left corner of the room, a little ways away from the entrance.

I should go, I shouldn’t have drank this much, this isn’t just some, some outing after a show, there are some important people here, I should be sober, I should be mingling, I…

Liv closed her eyes, trying to take deep breaths, the night had just begun but she already wanted to go home, where ever that was, the hotel room, her grandfather’s house. In truth there had only been one home, it had been her home for the past few months, warm, safe, loving, but then

“you know, things never ever work out the way you want, or hope they will” Came Tyler’s voice, cutting through the bands playing.

Liv opened her eyes, confused, it had felt like just a few seconds since he’d left her side at the bar. “What, what are you talking about?” He was slurring his words, quite noticeably drunk, as she was sure she was too. He’s put back on his jacket.

He moved closer, darkness on his features except the lights coming from the stage, almost pinning Liv into the corner where she stood, his brown eyes boring into her. “nothing, nothing. Tell me Liv, are you angry at this, this guy that hurt you?” He leaned closer.

She turned her head to the side, before looking back at Tyler, biting her lip, of course I am, he, he, “Yes” She whispered, nodding her head.

“That’s all I needed to hear” Tyler smirked, the lights from the stage dancing off his silhouetted face before he brought his lips to hers, grabbing her around the waist, clutching her to him, moving his whiskey tasting mouth against hers with urgency.

Before she could push him off he was ripped away.

Liv brought her fingertips to her lips as she frantically took in the scene before her.

Tyler getting off the wall to her left, as if he’d been pushed into it, he was fast approaching a red faced, seething Ville.

Ville.

His hair was soaked, slicked out of his eyes with a few curly strands hanging in his face, dripping onto his shirt, the same shirt he’d worn at the concert that night. From dim flashing lights coming from the stage she could see the angry redness of his face, his dark set eyes locked on Tyler.

Immediately, without a second thought, Liv stepped away from the wall between them, putting her hand on Tyler’s chest to stop his advance.

“Stop it.” She said, raising her voice, determined that the two of them heard her above the sound of the show. Soon her arms were straining as Ville’s chest collided into her hand. She stared Tyler down until he stopped coming towards Ville, a smirk on his face as he stared past Liv at Ville. She turned to Ville, pushing him back with both hands. Yes Tyler’s kiss was, was out of line, no, no it wasn’t, it was uncalled for, but to come here and cause a scene, acting like some dog marking his territory. “How dare you? What the hell’s gotten into you?” She tried to keep her voice low as she spat out the angry words.

Ville finally ripped his eyes away from Tyler’s, looking down at Liv with surprise. “You’re fucking defending him?”

She retracted her hands from Ville’s chest, crossing her arms in bitterness, “of course I’m fucking defending him, you don’t just fucking go around pushing people and causing scenes, how dare you.”

His jaw hardened, he glared down at her for a few seconds. Liv could see his green eyes grow angrier and angrier, “well than fuck you darling. I fucking knew it wasn’t your father, it was him, it was fucking him, fuck you” She could smell the alcohol on his breath.

Ville abruptly turned walked off. Liv noticed the eyes of people staring her down, guests who had noticed the altercation and stopped to watch, among them Mige and Linde who tried to stop Ville’s angry retreat, but were shaken off violently as he stalked off.

Liv sighed, shutting her eyes as tight as she could, clasping her hands behind her head, face between her elbows. Fuck. FUCK.

“Well that was interesting” Tyler laughed behind Liv, wrapping his arms around her waist, hugging her from behind.

She unlocked his arms, turning around angrily. “It’s not something to laugh about okay? Tyler I don’t, I, I don’t feel that way about you, we’ve been through this.” Liv could feel her face warming, too hot, it’s too fucking hot in here.

She took a shaky step away from Tyler, grabbing up her crumpled jacket off the ground and walked away, looking for a washroom, some solitude, a place to breath for a moment.

What the fuck just happened back there? When did he get here? What’s gotten into Tyler?

Keeping her head low, avoiding eye contact with people who were still watching her, Liv found a washroom, tucked away in a corner. The inside was decorated all black, floor, walls, stalls, sink, counter. She was alone, thank god, she thought, stepping into a stall and taking a seat, letting her heavy head fall into her shaking hands, when did they start shaking? She pulled on her jacket, suddenly cold, the shaking wouldn’t stop.

The door swung open, then shut, the music outside the washroom become louder, than fading out.

“Liv?

“Tyler, can you just give me five minutes alone please?” Liv grumbled in frustration.

“Come out” He called from the other side of her stall door.

Gripping the edges of the black bathroom stall for support, she lifted herself off the toilet seat, head spinning, beginning to feel nauseous. Slowly Liv unlocked her stall.

Tyler instantly grabbed the door as it swung open, pushing Liv back and closing the stall door behind him. He grabbed Liv by the side of the face, bringing his lips to hers. She tried moving her face to the side, but his hands kept her head still. Heart beginning to quicken with adrenaline, yet body weakened from the alcohol, Liv gave Tyler her most forceful push, getting him off long enough for her to slap him square in the cheek.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Liv yelled, fumbling with the door lock to free herself from the stall. She couldn’t think, she just had to get out of there.

Holding his reddening cheek Tyler lunged in front of the door, blocking Liv’s escape. “Oh so what Liv? I’m not good enough for you? Huh? But he is?”

“Tyler what the fuck are you talking about?” Tears began slipping from her eyes, she couldn’t help it, she couldn’t handle this, all of it, the whole night, the alcohol. What the fuck had happened? With Ville? With Tyler? He wasn’t making any sense. None of them were.

He smirked, moving his hair out of his eyes, “It’s always fucking him. What is it about me Liv? Not tall enough? Hair not curly enough for ya? Not the lead singer of some band? Don’t have any tattoos of that stupid fucking heartagram?”

What? What is he talking about?

Liv began to shake with fear. “Tyler let me out” She tried to say sternly, wiping at her eyes.

“I am not going to lose another one to him” He spat out.

“You never had me” Liv cried as she tried to shove Tyler out of the way fruitlessly.

“No but he had you Liv! Don’t you fucking get it, he took from me, so I’m taking from him, or should I say, I’ve taken from him.” He grabbed her by the arms, holding her forcefully at arm’s length.

In that moment she never wanted anything more than to just get past that door. She could tell, the whiskey coming off his breath, his unsteady stance, red face, Tyler was incredibly drunk, drunk and angry, she wasn’t sure what he’d do next.

Wracking her inebriated mind for some sort of explanation. What’s he fucking talking about? What…

She froze. Sandra. The women, the women who he had been with, who broke his heart, it was Sandra, it was Sandra… and she left him for Ville? And, and he was just, with me to get back at, Liv sucked in a jagged breath. “You fucking planned this? Some fucked up revenge scheme?”

“No. I actually liked you, but couldn’t help myself when a few pictures from your trip to Philadelphia came my way, then I knew for sure that you two were together…”

“Tyler!” Liv yelled, interrupting him, trying to snap him out of his jealousy filled, drunken tirade, “You’re fucked up, you’re seriously fucked up! Who does that? Let me out!”

“So what? So you could just go back to him?” Tyler seethed. Suddenly his phone began ringing in his jean pocket, distracting him. Liv saw her chance, pushing Tyler out of the way, he tripped on her foot and stumbled to the ground. Heart racing, Liv threw open the stall door, wiping at her face frantically, she fled the washroom, trying not to run, trying to appear normal, avoiding eye contact with everyone.

Her heartbeat began to even as her body flew out the entrance of the bar, the cold night wrapping around her, freezing rain drops pelting her with kisses, streaming down her face, mingling with the last remnants of tears, soaking her face, jacket, dress.

I have to apologize, I, I fucked up so bad, he fucking came to say sorry didn’t he and I, with Tyler.

Boots sending puddles splashing, mind racing, she began running back to the hotel.

I’ve got to make it better before it’s too late…

She ran, faster, hair flying behind her, the rain a cooling flood coming down upon her.

How could I have been such an idiot? I mean yes, yes I had a right to be mad, he wasn’t there for me when I needed him the most, but to just fall into Tyler arms?

There’s only him, there’s only ever been him.

For fucks sakes what is wrong with me

Liv was drenched by the time she made it back to the hotel, but she didn’t care. She didn’t care that she looked like a drown rat, that she was still drunk, she needed to talk to Ville, right away.

Panting from the run back to the hotel which was four blocks from the bar. she rode up the elevator, tapping her foot nervously, biting down on her lower lip, water dripping from her hair into the puddles that had formed around her feet. Stomach twisting and turning with butterflies, Liv bolted out of the elevator onto the sixth floor. There was no question as to which room was his, the devils lair.

Without hesitation, Liv frantically knocked on Ville’s door.

Butterflies tearing her apart from within, she waited a second before knocking again more urgently.

The door swung open, her hand held up, mid knock.

Ville stood in the doorway, hair a tousled mess. His shirt was off, Maya’s eyes staring back at Liv from his naked chest, black jeans, the same from earlier, soaked around the ankles, but fly open, unbuttoned.

She couldn’t help it, the smile the spread across her lips, looking up at him, the man she loved, for a second she had hope, for a second she thought that things would just work out, somehow.

That smiled soon faded however as Liv saw something in his eyes, something wrong, terribly wrong.

“Not with Tyler anymore?” Came a woman’s voice from behind Ville. Liv’s jaw almost dropped as Sandra, half naked, wearing a bra, zipping up her jeans, emerged from the confounds of Ville’s hotel room, resting her chin on his shoulder.

Liv turned to Ville, stunned. He shut his eyes before turning his head to Sandra, “I think you better leave” He calmly said to Sandra who smirked at Liv before grabbing her shirt off the ground, pulling it on, snatching up her purse and jacket, slipping on her shoes, giving Ville a peck on the cheek before leaving, while all the while he stood, holding the door ajar, eyes close, Liv looking up at him, heart sinking lower and lower, words unable to form.

As Sandra walked away down the hall, Ville held the door open for Liv. Breathing erratic, she stepped in slowly with shaky steps.

He, he and Sandra, how, how could he?

She turned to face him, he stood, arms crossed, leaning against the closed door. Where before he had a neutral expression, a poker face, now smugness emanated from his green eyes.

“Please tell me that you didn’t, that what I’m imagining is wrong” She felt small, so incredibly small, clutching one arm, the welcomed rain having made her a shivering mess.

“I won’t beat around the bush Liv, it’s exactly as it looks” He said calmly, coldly, running a hang through his hair.

Liv sucked in a breath, watching as his expression turned to one of pity, though his body was rigid with anger. No, no he wouldn’t, not to me, he would never… “Why? Why would you do that to me? To us?”

“What us? Some ridiculous two month relationship with a girl almost half my age? One fucking riddled with one problem after another?” He began crossing the room towards her, features still calm, arms crossed, he circled her, “Let’s be honest with ourselves dear, was there really an ‘us’ to begin with?” His deep voice rang as he came to a stop right in front of Liv.

“Stop!” She yelled up at him, fighting tears, his words tearing into her. He’s lying. He doesn’t mean it. He, he’s still angry, he doesn’t mean it.

“You knew it deep down, this farce we played. Your fears, inhibitions about me, you were right Liv, all along. What could I, a man possibly gain from a fucking child?” Icy steal in his even voice.

Anger surged in her and she pushed him back, hot tears running down her face, “Stop!”

Ville staggered, but steadied himself, anger flaring in his features. “Do you ever stop and wonder Liv…” She couldn’t hear any more, sobs breaking out from within her, she pushed past Ville but he caught her arm, continuing, “why everyone in your life leaves you? Huh? It’s fucking you! You’re the fucking problem Liv!”

“You don’t mean it! You don’t mean it!” She cried, trying to wrench free of his grasp, shaking her head at his words, internally crumbling apart.

“But I fucking do darling! I mean every fucking word!” His arms clenched and unclenched with anger as the calm faltered, his venomous words spilling forth.

“I hate you! Why are you saying these things!” She began backing up slowly, beginning to shut down internally, the alcohol, the fights earlier, Tyler, this, it was too much.

“Don’t fucking act like you had no part in this Liv, like you don’t believe every word!” He yelled, following Liv’s slow retreat until her back had come up against his door.

Chest convulsing with sobs, Liv grabbed for the door handle. I can’t, I can’t anymore

“So you’re going to fucking run Liv? Huh?” She could see angry tears glisten in his piercing green eyes. “Run off like you always fucking do? Grow the fuck up Liv!”

Liv opened the door, still facing him, tears blurring her vision, “I’m never going to forgive you for this.” She sobbed furiously, slamming the door as she slipped out of the room.

Clutching the wall for support, breathing becoming quicker and quicker, she began walking down the hall.

She heard his door open.

“You were fucking going to leave me first, you’re fucking leaving me now! Running away is giving up Liv! You’re fucking giving up!” Ville yelled from his door way.

Turning sharply, a few doors away, Liv yelled back, head throbbing with his spiteful words, with the resentment in his features, the pity in them when she saw Sandra, the hate in them now. “What am I supposed to fucking do?” Turning back around she began running, She heard Ville call her name, but she kept running. She’d ran to him, and now she would run from him.

Ignoring the elevator she sped down the flight of stairs at the end of the hall. Frantically grabbing at her jacket pockets she felt the keys.

The sound of her boots, one step after another, her consuming sobs mingled with her laboured breathing, echoed off the walls of the staircase as she passed floor after floor, making her way down to the underground parking lot, where her grandfather’s car waited.

***

[Recommendation: listen to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJ-vuZpRwQQ ]

The rain whipped against the car windows. A furious storm raged outside, determined to slow her escape. She couldn’t stay there, not with him, not after what had happened. She had to run and so Liv sped across the unfamiliar road. She was glad he couldn’t drive, would he have even come after me, she thought.

Struggling to see through the night and deluge of tears, she kept replaying their fight, their fight which had happened not ten minutes past. Adrenalin coursing through her, she shook with pain and anger.

She knew she would never forgive herself for what she said, the way she spat out those harsh words, screaming at him, shoving him. Liv’s grip on the steering wheel tightened. She loathed herself for what she had done; but what hurt the most – what made her cry out in pain – was the fact that it was she who drove him to do what he had done.

It was her fault, all her fault, and now they were over. She had loved him, still loved him, that otherworldly man, a man she had no right to have even dreamed of being with. You’re such a stupid fucking child, she yelled internally, you were nothing to him, just a fucking groupie, how could anyone like Ville Valo ever love you. The voice in her head consumed her attention.

But what had happened, every touch they had had, every smile shared, words whispered, they had felt real, but Liv quickly wiped those happy memories away as she remembered the look on his face as he told her… The way his brows furrowed, vibrant green eyes penetrated her gaze. The way his bare inked arms had clenched in anger and finally, how he looked away in pity as she had registered his words.

Liv suddenly realized she was violently shaking, she needed to pull over, but she was afraid. She needed to put more distance between them, so she continued along the unfamiliar road, headlights shining her path in the dark, rain and wind crashing against the car.

Liv wanted to scream, she wanted to dig her nails into her palms, crawl into a corner and never wake up.

Suddenly the headlights illuminated a blur of rain soaked animal that darted in front of the car. Liv veered the car to the right and abruptly she felt weightless. Her hair fell forward as the car began to tip over the edge of an embankment that must have been on the side of the road. All at once the car began to tumble down. Liv cried out as she felt broken glass slice into her face, arms, abdomen. She heard the ear splitting creaking of the metal of the car as it twisted and bent under its own weight, still rolling down the embankment. A tree caught its fall, and the wreckage of the car finally came to a stop on its side.

A dizziness enveloped Liv’s senses. She couldn’t move, she didn’t want to move. Hot liquid streamed down her face, into her eyes blurring her vision. Her body felt wrong, it felt broken, outside and in. Please, please can’t it just end, Liv thought. Her lids began to droop. Heart began to slow, and with her last conscious breath she imagined his face, a smirking half smile with the little laugh lines, arching nose, and those eyes, those piercing green eyes.