Heartaches Knocking on Her Door

[September 29th, 2013]

His mind woke before his eyes could open, head a pounding mess. Outside he could hear the rain coming down. Still?

His lids slowly pried themselves open. The bathrooms checkered tiles looked back at him, the tub, again, he thought, eyes immediately scanning for something. Where the fuck is it, I must have some left.

Tucked under his legs was what he’d been searching for, his bottle of jagermeister. Sitting up, chest still bare, muscles soar from his uncomfortable bed, he sat up slowly, leaning his back against the freezing tub, twisting off the cab and bringing it to his lips. Perkele, empty.
He set the bottle down with a clink on the edge of the tub, squinting up at the bathrooms glaring light before rubbing his face. Slowly, painstakingly, he stood up and stepped out of the tub, yawning, looking for the time.

Ville stopped suddenly in the doorway of the washroom as he took in his hotel room. Pages upon pages from his moleskin had been torn out, they littered the unkempt bed, the floor along with beer cans, they were everywhere, as if some bomb had gone off, many of them crumpled or torn. Sighing he began picking up the pages, smoothing them out, making a neat pile that he set down on the bed.

It had been a long time since he’d woken up in a such a state, room in disarray, sleeping in an odd place, memories of the night before stuck behind a clouded wall of alcohol.

What’s happening to me?

He found his phone in the folds of the bed. Fuck. It was nearly 3 pm, he had an interview with the guys and Liv from which they would go straight to the airport to catch their 4:45 pm flight back to Helsinki, back home. He had five missed calls, one from Mige, two from Seppo, and, what, two from Marcus? Ville stared down at the phone confused before deciding he needed to start getting on his way.

Still half-awake he began packing up his things, shoving what little clothes he had into his small suitcase, tossing on the first tee shirt his hand came in contact with, and a black sweater under his black blazer, hair a loos curly mess, Ville gathered up his suitcase, slinging his messenger bag over his shoulder, stuffing the crumpled pages into the bag before heading out the door, giving the room one last glance before closing the door.

Why was I in the tub? He thought confused as he rode down the elevator. There was a lot off about the morning, something felt wrong, but he couldn’t quite remember what had happened.

He checked out, searching his mind, hailed a cab in the pouring rain, what, what the fuck did I do?

He sat in the back of the cab, legs crosses, messenger bag tossed in beside him. I’ll remember once I grab some coffee, that or more jagermester, he sighed resting his cheek against the cold window, twisting his rings around his fingers nervously.

Ville’s eyes absentmindedly scanned the inside of the taxi, suddenly stopping on one of the crumpled pages sticking out of his bag, a short, lovely name, half torn, written in his script looked back at him.

Suddenly images flashed through his mind one after another, two figures kissing in a corner while metal played, Tyler’s smirking face, Sandra sitting on him, half naked, Liv’s tortured face, Liv’s shaking frame, Liv’s tearful hazel eyes, his own eyes still angry but tear soaked staring back at him in the hotel washroom, a new bottle of jagermeister, anger, her name scrawled on pages upon pages as they flew up into the air with every violent tear out of his notebook, her name, her description in a thousand different forms raining down on him as he had seethed with anger.

No, it didn’t happen, none of it, her lips on his, her pleas for me to stop, none of it.

Pushing the previous night into the furthest recesses of his mind he shut his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. Just get through the day. Don’t drink a drop. Try to have a civilized conversation with her.

I regret it, regret it all, but he could still feel the lingering poison of resentment, of anger, surging in him over what had happened.

Shaking his head he tried to distract himself for the rest of the taxi ride down to the radio station where he would be doing the interview with everyone, thinking of the comfort of his tower, the cold Finnish sun shining down upon him, the feel of the hardwood floors underneath him as they reverberated the sounds of his acoustic, his mother’s cooking, his fathers wrinkled smile. Yes home, I’ll be home soon.

The cab pulled up to the curb outside the station, the ceaseless rain splattering against the cement of the sidewalk as Ville stepped out, slinging his bag over one shoulder and accepting his suitcase from the cab driver, handing him his cab fare.

Seppo stood just inside the door of the three story brick radio station, on his cell phone, chattering away frantically but immediately getting off the phone as he Ville stepped into the warm building. “Näytät sotku poikani. Oletko kunnossa? Miksi et ole vastannut puheluihin?” (You look a mess my boy. Are you alright? Why haven’t you answered my calls?)

“I’m fine.” Ville sighed, it was a lie, he was everything but fine, but he had a job, he could get through a half hour interview. He pulled out his phone, checking the time, “I’m ten minutes early, there’s nothing to worry about.”

Seppo gave him a worried glance before silently showing Ville the way to the studio where the rest of the guys waited.

He was there, Ville thought as they rode up the elevator, at that bar, he saw, he tried to stop me from leaving, so had Mige and Linde, they all saw, they know. What, what are they going to say? What do they think of me?

The elevator doors opened to a long hallway with different studio doors off to the side, on air signs flashing red above the doors, at the end of the hall was a medium sized lobby with a front desk, chairs, small rounded coffee table covered in newspapers. There was something off about the scene. Mige sat, legs apart, elbows resting on knee’s as he looked down at his cellphone, wearing his black leather jacket, navy V neck, dark blue jeans and his black combat boots. Burton had his feet crossed up on the coffee table opposite Mige, reading a newspaper, he was dressed in an olive jacket, black tee shirt underneath, light wash jeans. Linde stood, leaning against the wall next to Burton, on the phone, speaking in Finnish, he had on a long sleeved, buttoned up black shirt, light gray shirt underneath, dark gray jeans.

“Ville” Said Gas as he stepped out from a hallway into the lobby, wiping his hands on his black jeans, wearing a Megadeath tee shirt under a jean jacket. It wasn’t just a greeting.

The rest of the guys looked up at once with mixed expressions, relief, worry.

What? Ville thought, what do they see?

He took a seat next to Mige, crossing his arms and legs, keeping his eyes on the floor.

“viime yönä…” (last night…) Came Burtons voice from across the table as he set down his newspaper.

“En halua puhua siitä.” (I’d prefer not to talk about it.) Ville grumbled, he could hear the questioning in his tone, he could feel the plethora of questions in their gazes.

Mige leaned in next to Ville, keeping his voice low, “She’s not here”

Ville’s head snapped up, his heart sinking, “Then where is she?”

Mige shrugged somberly, still whispering, “No one’s heard from her all morning, we’ve all tried calling, she’s not answering any calls. Seppo’s both worried and put off.”

“Well good. It’s very unprofessional to pull shit like this.” He mumbled, angrily, looking away. No. No. She was supposed to be here so we could talk, so I could see her before we left, she was fucking supposed to be here…

“look…”

Ville cut him off, “I said I’d prefer not to talk about it, now could you please just respect my wishes and drop it.”

A short man with tattooed arms, dark brown hair, beard, wearing plain clothes of all black came out from one of the hallways, smiling and introducing himself as the radio host, professing his excitement over the coming interview and asking that everyone follow him down to his studio. Linde, Gas, Seppo, and Burton followed on the man’s heels.

As Ville got up to follow, Mige pushed him down, checking that the others were out of sight.

“Now just listen to me for five seconds please. We’ve known alright, we’ve known this whole time. You really are a fool if you thought that the four men you’ve spent your life growing up with wouldn’t notice something like the fact that you were in love. It was written on your face every night since you met her and I admit, yes we were unsure of this age difference, all except Mika, but then we decided to let it be, if you were happy then what did it matter. If you looked at her the way you did, with such love and adoration, more so than you ever looked at Jonna, than who were we to pass judgement. We gave you space, figured you would tell us when you were good and ready. We saw what happened last night, you know we saw, so I think it’s about time I told you.” There was something else, something else he wanted to say, but he held his tongue.

They knew? They knew… And we tried so hard to keep this stupid fucking secret? All this time? His jaw clenched as he thought about the difference it could have made if they had just been open, if they could have actually spent time with each other, been able to see each other every night, they could have talked so much more… Maybe I wouldn’t have been so afraid of losing her, I wouldn’t have called for the break, last night wouldn’t have… He gulped, standing up, looking down at Mige, “well it’s all for naught.” The what if’s, the could have’s, having embittered him. He left Mige, walking in the direction of the others.

***

His mind had been racing the entire interview, butterflies in his stomach. If she just would have come, just fucking sucked in her pride and hurt feelings and just come…

“One last fan question, we were hoping Liv could answer this one herself, but, Jenny from California asks, How did your new photographer get the job?”

Mige, Linde, burton, Gas, their headphones on, all turned to Ville.

Sighing, he leaned into the mic, “Um, well, after a show back in May my manager Seppo and I caught sight of Liv’s work from that show and made her a proposition the next day. It’s strange how the universe works, one tiny difference and things would not have worked out the way they did.” He shrugged, leaning back. There was so much more to it, so much more.

The interviewer thanked the band and wished them luck on their return to Finland.

The butterflies in Ville’s stomach were getting worse, I, I can’t just get on that plane without speaking to her, he ran his hand through his hair in frustration, she fucking gave up, she just completely fucking gave up, without another fucking word.

They began filing out of the studio, smiles, and goodbye handshakes. The interview had been a blur, his mind was too preoccupied, with her.

Where the fuck is she.

The guys and Seppo were silent as they walked to the elevator, wheeling their small suitcases. A little too forcefully, Ville pressed the elevator button, stepping in right away, waiting impatiently while everyone else slowly squeezed into the small space, his rings clinking against the railing.

Suddenly his phone began vibrating in his pocket.

[Music Recommendation: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3uBMwI2VwcE ]

Her name flashed up at him from the screen as his ringed hand pulled his cellphone from his pocket.

Relief and anger surged within him, he didn’t care if the others heard him, he answered anxiously, “I know things were fucked up last night but to be so unprofessional, to”

He was cut off, “Ville, Ville stop. It’s me Marcus” Came the familiar voice on the other line.

“Marcus?” He asked confused. This, this isn’t, she, where is Liv?

There was something off about his voice. There was pain there, pity, something was wrong. “Yes, listen, I, um, I thought you needed to know.”

Anxiety began to rise in Ville’s chest. “What? Needed to know what Marcus?” Ville’s voice rose as panic began to set in, his stomach twisting. This wasn’t some social call, he was on Liv’s phone, where was she? Why didn’t she call?

“It’s Liv, she, uh, Ville she was in a car accident…”

The phone almost slipped from his fingers, as small cry of anguish escaped his lips, his knees almost buckled, the guys all turning to him with worry.

No.

No. He repeated internally, shaking his head. He couldn’t breathe, the wind had been knocked out of him, his heart had stopped in that moment. His whole body began to shake as he struggled for breath. The world had crashed down upon him, the damns had overflowed, the earth split open, the sky cracked. Liv.

Just barely managing to get a grapple on his emotions he brought his lips back to his phone, to ask what he thought he would never have to ask, not about her, never about her. She needs to be alive, she needs to be okay. I need to hold her, kiss her again. Ville could barely choke out the words, his mouth opening and closing silently, until he finally managed to speak, “Is, is she, did she” Tears spilled from his eyes as he turned his face away into the corner of the elevator.

“She alive” Marcus said hastily.

Ville gripped the railing in the elevator for support as enormous relief washed over him, radiating throughout him. His entire body relaxing instantly. She, she’s alive. Tears streaked down his face. “Where is she?” He demanded A frenzy of horrible images, of her bleeding, hurt, broken, circulated in his distraught mind. I need to see her, I, I need to apologize, I didn’t mean, I didn’t mean any of it.”

The elevator doors dinged open and Ville raced out of the elevator, keeping his face down, walking straight for the entrance, heart beating a mile a minute. Yes she’s alive, but in what condition? Body, mind.

“Ville I don’t think, she doesn’t want you to come” Marcus said, almost whispering.

Ville stepped out into the rain, the cool drops sprinkling over him, “I don’t care if she wants me there or not, I need to see her!” Panic, panic and guilt coursing through his veins. He sucked in a jagged breath, calming his voice, “ Please Marcus, which hospital?” He began pacing with urgency, butterflies tearing him apart from within, nervousness consuming him.

“Brookdale University hospital” Marcus said reluctantly, “But”

Ville hung up. He would apologize to Marcus later, but he needed to be there, at her side, right away.

His chest heaved with anxiety as he stood frozen, whole body rattling still from the news, eyes tear soaked, I fucked up, I, and she doesn’t know, she…

“Fuck!” He cried aloud, race reddening, gripping his curls in pain, why am I not there! Right now! He turned in a circle, too stricken to formulate a thought, a plan.

“Ville, what, what happened? What’s going on?” Mige asked from behind Ville worriedly, cautiously approaching him. The others stood behind Mige with concerned expressions.

“It’s Liv okay! She was in a car accident, I, I can’t get on that flight, I’m sorry but I can’t, I need to see her, I need to” His voice cracked. He didn’t have enough breath to say it all. He went to stand at the curb, urgently trying to hail a cab as the rain came down on him, as his guilt came down on him.

“Okay. Okay. I’m coming with you.” Mige turned back to Linde, Gas, Burton, and Seppo. “Just get on the flight, we’ll call.”

A cab pulled up to the curb. Ville’s hands shook too much, he could barely lift his suitcase as he tried to hurriedly put it into the trunk. Mige took it from him, telling him to get in. Giving up his suitcase, he slid into the back of the cab, telling the driver the name of the hospital before his head fell into his hands, knees bouncing with anxiety, stomach churning like a stormy sea.

He could feel Mige get in next to him, the cab driving off, hands trembling as they gripped onto his hair.

“Rauhoitu. Olen varma, että hän tulee olemaan kunnossa.” (Calm down. I’m sure she’ll be alright.) Mige whispered next to Ville. A silence filled the air, rain pelting the cab, muffled sniffles coming from Ville, before Mige spoke up again, “What happened last night?”

“I happened!” He yelled aloud, wiping at his eyes, repeating her words, “I didn’t mean it.” The words hung silent in his mind. “I didn’t mean a fucking work of it. I was angry alright! I lied, I lied to hurt her, to spite her! She said, and I…” He sucked in a shaky breath. He couldn’t continue, the weight of it all pressing down on him, his mind tearing itself apart with the events of last night as the cab sped down the rainy streets.

***

[Sept 28, 2013]

His head throbbed as he slowly made his way through the crowd of guests. I can’t believe I’ve been such a fucking idiot, he thought as he scanned the crowd for her, her beautiful long hair, bright hazel eyes, breathtaking smile, what’s happened to me? I let this fucking jealousy poison me, cloud my mind and I, I never knew, didn’t know she was going through…

His hand ached to hold another beer bottle, lips to wanting more. He stopped for a moment at the bar, ordering a bottle of beer, eyes peering around for her. He’d lost Mige as soon as he’d gone in, telling him to go join the rest of the guys, enjoy his night.

Ville slid the green bills across the scratched up bar and grabbed the cold beer bottle, bringing it to his parched lips. He drowned the butterflies within him, finishing the beer and continuing his search. There was no chance of missing her in a crowd, she could be hidden away in an audience of thousands of people and he would still see her.

He could hear a hard hitting metal band playing from within the other room, fingers sliding open the black curtain which divided the two parts of the bar, Ville stepped into the open concert area. It was much darker, guests crowding around in front of the stage, heads moving to the fast beat.

The lights from the stage flashed around the dark room, illuminating bits of cheeks, swaying hair, outstretched hands. Where is she, she must be here, somewhere in there, her beautiful body alive with the music, I need to find her, apologize, convince her to stay.

And then he saw her, it was as if her small, smooth hands had grabbed hold of his hard, squeezed, and before he could stop himself he was crossing the room towards the two figures, huddled in the far corner, Tyler’s body against her as she was pressed up against the wall, his hands on her waist, his lips on her mouth, and she was kissing him back. She’s kissing him back.

His hands moved of their own accord, shoving Tyler off of her, heart racing with adrenaline. In that moment he wanted nothing more than to punch him, punch him square in the cheek, his silver rings cracking into his cheek bone. He could feel his hands trembling with yearning, face reddening with anger, eyes locked on Tyler as he recovered from the push and began approaching. Ville’s body shook with anger.

Suddenly Liv stepped between them, stopping Tyler with her outstretched arm. “Stop it” Her voice rang out firmly, head turning to look sternly at Tyler, than up at Ville as he continued moving toward Tyler until her small hand was soon pressed upon his chest, and he stopped, locking his gaze with hers, feeling the warmth of her hand on his heart, seeing the illumination on her angry hazel eyes, dark red dress swaying with her movements.

But his eyes moved back to Tyler, a stupid smirk on his face, a challenging one, Ville took a step forward, every cell wanting to stop that expression. Liv turned placing both her hands on Ville’s chest, he let her pushing him back, afraid of what he might actually do if he got another step closer to Tyler.

“How dare you? What the hells gotten into you?” She spat out looking up at him.

Ville looked down at her with surprise. What? She’s not angry at him? But at me? How dare I? How dare she fucking go and kiss him. “You’re fucking defending him?” No! I don’t fucking believe it!

She retracted her hands from his chest, warmth upon his heart turning to coldness as she crossed her arms angrily, “of course I’m fucking defending him, you don’t just fucking go around pushing people and causing scenes, how dare you.”

The anger, adrenaline began boiling up further and further as he looked down at her. I don’t fucking believe this. I was fucking right. She’s been fine, fine about her father. It was me, she’s been fucking pushing me away, making room for him. Too much of a fucking child to just say the fucking words, be mature, tell me she doesn’t want me anymore, that our relationship has gone to shit, that I completely fucked up, that, that, my fears have been right, someone younger, someone to understand her better, fucking him! “well than fuck you darling. I fucking knew it wasn’t your father, it was him, it was fucking him, fuck you” He couldn’t stand to look into those eyes any longer, the rejection in them, he turned and left.

“Ville” Came Mige’s soft voice, stepping from the small crowd who had stopped to watch the whole scene transpire, he grabbed onto Ville’s arm, trying to stop him, but Ville wrenched himself free, continuing past the black curtains, which he almost ripped off, past the ear splitting chatter chatter of guests and out into the pouring rain.

He turned in the direction of the hotel, rain soaking through his thin cardigan, dripping from his hair, boots splashing in the puddles.

How could she? How fucking could she! She was really just going to let me go wasn’t she? Let me get on that flight without a fucking word, without an explanation, without any fucking closure.

He hailed down a cab, mind throbbing, thoughts torturing him, he opened the door, sliding in, telling the cab driver the name of the hotel. He waited impatiently as the driver put the location into his GPS, the rain drumming down on the cab. Suddenly the door on the other side of the cab swung open.

“Got room for one more?” Smiled a familiar face, taking the seat next to him and closing the door behind her. Sandra. She clutched a black coat around her, droplets of rain in her auburn hair, long legs in black jeans and heels.

Before Ville could tell her to get out, the cab pulled out into traffic, driving off towards the hotel. He grumbled in frustration. “Sandra I’m not in the mood for this”

She shrugged, smirking, “It’s fine, I get it.” Smiling, she turned away from him to look out the window.

He ignored Sandra and returned to his thoughts.

He wasn’t sure what he was going to do, his veins boiled with bitterness. Do I take her aside at the interview tomorrow? Do I leave without a word. Do I leave at all?

Fuck! I fucking love her and she’s doing this, this to me!

The cab pulled up outside the hotel, Ville tossed the driver a few bills, before hopping out angrily. He could hear Sandra following as he stalked into the hotel, hands clenching and unclenching as he tried to gain a hold of his emotions, he wanted to yell, he wanted to hit something , he wanted her gone from his mind.

The elevator doors couldn’t open fast enough before he threw himself in, Sandra slipping in before the doors could close on her.

He ran his hands through his hair, “Sandra, what do you want?”

She leaned against the metal of the elevator walls, across from him, “I’m in town for one night, the least you could do is be cordial”

“I’m sorry but I’m not in the fucking mood!” Why can’t anyone just let me alone! If Mige would have just pissed off earlier I wouldn’t have, I wouldn’t have been there, seen that.

His anger didn’t faze her. “Oh I know, I know exactly what you’re in the mood for” Ville rolled his eyes, slipping out the elevator as it opened on his floor. Sandra continued as she followed him to his door. “At least talk to me, I saw that little scene, you’re mad”

“You’re observation skills are outstanding” Ville grumbled, opening his hotel room door, prepared to close it on Sandra before she stopped it with her hand.

“I know you, you either need to do one of three things, vent, drink, or write. Let me in, I can help with the first two.”

He hesitated for a moment. Why not? For all intents and purposes it seems as if Liv has, has, his mind could barely think the words, moved on. His hand gripped the door harder before he finally let it swing open. How could she do that, to us, just completely give up on us? Didn’t she fucking get it! When I told her I loved her over and over again. And when she told me she loved me? Was it just some fucking fleeting crush? He began laughing aloud, turning to go find the six pack of beers he had stashed away somewhere, hearing Sandra come in behind him, and they all thought I’d break her heart.

“you use to confide in me you know” Sandra said, taking off her coat as she sat down on the edge of Ville’s unkempt bed, looking around his room.

“we use to do a lot of things” He mumbled, finding the six pack under a pair of jeans. He cracked a can open and handed it to Sandra, opening another for himself before sitting on the other side of the bed, back against the headboard, feet stretched out, shoes still on, wet clothes slowly dampening his sheets. He stripped off his sopping cardigan and tee shirt before the bed could be completely soaked, and kicked off his shoes, staring off in front of him angrily. I fucking love her and she just

He could feel the bed moving as Sandra set down her can of beer on his night stand, crawling to the middle of the bed and sitting at the end of his long legs, her legs folded under her, staring at him. “talk to me”

He turned his face to look out at the deluge of rain splattering against his window, city lights flickering. I was fucking fine before her, before she came along, rushing past my room on a gurney. I was back, I was healthy, I had Sandra. I should have, we shouldn’t have…

Sandra crawled across the bed, swinging a leg over his legs, sitting delicately on his pelvis, straddling him. “Sandra…” She began stripping of her green tank top, tossing it off the bed, her large breasts in a low sitting white lace bra. She began gliding her hands to the back of his neck, hair spilling over her shoulders. “Sandra!” He grabbed her hands, stopping her. This was familiar, she was familiar, she had been company on a lonely night, a warm body, but that was over, everything was over as soon as his eyes first saw Her.

“Why? Why won’t you let me ease the tension?” She pulled her hands free from his grasp, bringing them down to his pants.

His heart beat picked up as he let her slowly unbutton his pants, her fingers clasping around the zipper, unzipping it in one smooth motion. Ville suddenly brought his hands to either side of Sandra’s face, “Because! Because I don’t love you! Despite everything I love her! I love someone else!” He hung his head, panting with the weight of his words, a small silence filling the air. “listen Sandra, you’re a beautiful women but”

“then where is she? Why isn’t SHE here?” Sandra cut in resentfully, “that’s right, she’s not, so then where is she huh? Where is this woman you love so much? Hmm?”

He began to tense up, her words cutting into him, she knew damn well, she’d seen it happen, she knew that Liv was with him, Tyler. Ville’s anger began to slowly build back up as rejection washed over him all over again, the disdain in her eyes as she had stopped him, taken Tyler’s side. She’s staying for him.

Suddenly an urgent knock on the door range out through the room. Ville sat up straighter, turning to look at the door but Sandra pushed him down on his pillow, running her hands through his hair, “don’t answer it” She whispered in his ear.

He gently pushed her off, rolling his eyes as Sandra made an exasperated sigh, perching on the edge of the bed as Ville swung his legs over, getting up to answer the door. Hand on the doorknob, the person knocked again but Ville quickly swung the door open.

His breath fell short, Liv stood before him, a shivering, soaked mess, her jacket dripping, a couple of rips in her tights, boots leaving watery prints on the light hotel carpet, makeup smudged, long raven hair completely drenched.

So she’s come then? She’s come to finally tell me off? To, to explain why, to, he gripped the door harder, Sandra was right, she wasn’t here, no, she was with Tyler, she’s been with him these past few days, doing fuck knows what, barely saying two words to me, I fucking love her and she’s breaking my heart, tossing it in the bin like some fucking candy wrapper.

A small smile spread across her face, almost faltering Ville’s anger, but he couldn’t stop picturing it, her anger at him back at the bar, her lips on Tyler’s.

He could hear his bed creek under Sandra as she got up, “Not with Tyler anymore” Sandra said smugly.

Ville shuddered as he felt Sandra rest her chin on his shoulder, it felt wrong, Sandra shouldn’t be here, not like this, half naked, and Liv. No, no I shouldn’t feel guilty, Liv was, She fucking… He could see the cogs turning in Liv’s mind, knew exactly what she was thinking. So what? Something happened to Tyler? So she comes running back to me? He hated the sight of her, blood boiling, but he maintained a calm countenance, turning his head to face Sandra, a fight was coming, Sandra needed to leave. “I think you better leave” He turned back to Liv, closing his eyes, I need a drink, another one, she should have stayed away, stayed the fuck away, just left me alone, I can’t, not tonight, I’m going to say something…

His eyes opened slowly as he felt Sandra give him a lingering peck on the cheek, having changed, and slowly slipped out the door, Liv’s eyes following her exit before returning back to Ville. He could see the hurt, the pain in those beautiful hazel eyes, let her fucking think what she will, she doesn’t deserve an explanation, not a word for fucking days and then she’s kissing him?

He swung the door open, stepping into the room, knowing she would follow him in, he turned, crossing his arms, well? What does she have to say then? He waited impatiently, cheeks reddening with anger, for her to speak, say something, anything.

“Please tell me that you didn’t, that what I’m imagining is wrong” She sounded like a lost child, her voice so small and fragile, shivering in her wet clothes, but Ville’s angry resolve stayed strong.

He ran a hand through his still wet hair, the words slipping out, icy steel, before he could stop himself, “I won’t beat around the bush Liv, it’s exactly as it looks” Stop, you’re lying, don’t, don’t lie to her.

He could see his words hit her like a slap in the face, her mouth popping open as she sucked in a breath, “Why? Why would you do that to me? To us?”

Us? What fucking us is there? Us has been fading, fast, and tonight, it, it fucking vanished, it’s gone, it left when she picked him. He wanted to hurt her, wanted to hurt her as much as she hurt him, and he knew just the words, knew the sore spot, her insecurities, her fears, “What us? Some ridiculous two month relationship with a girl almost half my age? One fucking riddled with one problem after another?” He regretted the words instantly, but couldn’t reign back his anger as he crossed the room to loom over her, seething with anger. He began circling her, like a vulture in the desert, “Let’s be honest with ourselves dear, was there really an ‘us’ to begin with?” He stopped in front of Liv, watching as she began struggling to fight back tears which welled up, sparkling in her pained eyes.

“Stop!” She cried out.

He almost stopped in that instant, stopped his angry tirade, fallen at her feet, begged for her to choose him, but her continued, “You knew it deep down, this farce we played. Your fears, inhibitions about me, you were right Liv, all along. What could I, a man possibly gain from a fucking child?”

Tears streaming, Liv’s hands shot out, pushing Ville back slightly, he could see the anger rise up within her too, “Stop!”

I can’t…

“Do you ever stop and wonder Liv…” Her sobs broke free, filling the air, she tried pushing past him to the door but he caught her, no, no she’s not running away this time, “why everyone in your life leaves you? Huh? It’s fucking you! You’re the fucking problem Liv!” What am I saying? Why am I saying these things? I don’t mean them, I don’t mean a fucking word.

She shook her head in tearful denial as she tried to free herself from his grasp, but he held on, “You don’t mean it! You don’t mean it!” She wrenched herself away.

She’s right, she’ll never know how damn right she is.

But Ville’s anger increased, and the calmness he had been tried to maintain evaporated, his voice rising as he yelled down at Liv, “But I fucking do darling! I mean every fucking word!”

It’s the alcohol, it’s the pain of rejection, I’m sorry, I don’t, why am I, I…

“I hate you! Why are you saying these things!” He could see her backing up, towards the door, her body shaking as she convulsed with tears.

Why am I saying these things? Like she doesn’t know! Like she doesn’t know what she did to me? What she’s done to me? I fucking gave her my heart, I always give my heart away, but she, she was supposed to be different, this was supposed to be different, and here we fucking are, and I’m broken and I’m yelling and it’s gone to shit! He walked towards Liv, his chest rising and falling with angry breaths as her back came up against the door, “Don’t fucking act like you had no part in this Liv, like you don’t believe every word!”

Words couldn’t form as she struggled to breath between sobs, her hand searching desperately for the door handle, her fingers locking around it desperately, “So you’re going to fucking run Liv? Huh?” His eyes began watering, no, this is not how it’s supposed to happen, none of this was supposed to happen, I, I can’t be without her, she saved me, I, I need her, I need her and love her, I could have fucking been there for her! But she didn’t come to me! “Run off like you always fucking do? Grow the fuck up Liv!”

Her makeup was running down her face, distorted with sobs, tragically beautiful, Ville thought, and I’m the cause…

Liv swung the door open, Ville’s heart sinking, no no no. “I’m never going to forgive you for this.” She yelled. The door slammed behind her and suddenly she was gone.

Ville stared at the door, stunned, his heavy breathing filling the now silent hotel room. No! This was not my fault, I didn’t know, she never fucking told me, how could I have, I didn’t, she was with-

He pulled open the door violently, eyes searching the hall for her, she was a few doors down, clutching the wall desperately, her knees looked about to buckled beneath her, “You were fucking going to leave me first, you’re fucking leaving me now! Running away is giving up Liv! You’re fucking giving up!” She was! That’s why she came here! Right?

She turned sharply, hand still holding onto the wall, “What am I supposed to fucking do?” She cried, her tearful eyes looking at him with such pain, such hurt.

I, I’m the cause of that, I, I didn’t mean it, oh god, what have I done.

Liv turned sharply, the sound of her running foot steps down the long hallway becoming quieter and quieter.

“Liv!” Ville called after her desperately. This can’t, this can’t be how things, what have I done. He called after her again, but she only ran faster, her red dress and black hair flying behind her, until suddenly she was out of sight as she swung open the stair doors.

He didn’t know what to do next. Why did I say those things? An answer wouldn’t form. Of course he had been angry, angry, frustrated, hurt, rejected, but there’s no excuse, no excuse for what I said, I love her, I love her like, his mind wondered to her note, her note which he had memorized, fingers desperately clutching it every night as he tried to sleep, ‘I need you. I need you holding me, whispering sweet nothings in my ear, gently rubbing my back, I need you because I love you, I love you and not having you with me, not being able to kiss you, tell you how my day has gone, just sit with you and talk intimately about life, go out for dinner with you, truly be with you, is killing me. But that doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter because you love me, and your love is all I’ll ever need.’

And here I am, a jealous, drunken, angry fool, and she said she loved me, maybe she still does, and I, I just, I used her fears against her, to hurt her, I’m a fucking monster.

Before a second thought could cross his mind, his bare feet were running across the worn carpet of the hotel hallway after her, wrenching the door open and flying down the stairs, he could faintly hear her footsteps as he raced after her, lungs straining as he stepped out onto the ground floor, but there was no sight of her.

Fuck! Fuck me! Fuck her, for leaving, for giving up.

***

As soon as the cab came to a stop he bolted out the door, leaving his bags and Mige behind. He wasn’t sure what it was, but throughout the torment of the never ending cab ride to the hospital his mind had been racing, had been turning as it ached with pain, as the threads in his stitched up heart seemed to be unraveling, but there was something more. In Marcus’s tone, there was just, just so much pity, something was wrong, it wasn’t just a car accident, there was more, and so Ville’s stomach had been churning with angry butterflies, ripping him apart from within.

The automatic doors slid open for him and he anxiously walked inside, he hated hospital, with a passion, she hates them too, he thought, eyes scanning for some sort of front desk, someone to ask where she was. Patients scuffled by in slippers, carrying their IV’s, doctors and nurses in scrubs strolled around with clipboards, visitors eagerly waited at a set of elevator doors to the left of him, holding flowers. The place reeked of medication and disinfectant, of sickness, of pain.

“Ville”

He turned his head, Marcus was approaching him slowly, coming from a semi-circle of chairs and couches off to one side of the corridor he looked down. He looked tired, tired, exhausted, sad, and nervous.

He couldn’t wait for Marcus to come to him, he moved slowly, almost reluctantly. Ville quickly crossed the space between them. “Marcus, what, what’s going on?”

He looked away as if he couldn’t bare looking into Ville’s questioning eyes. “Just have a seat, please” He returned to his seat at the end of one of the worn couches which sat surrounded by singles, a coffee table scattered with old newspapers in front of it.

Ville’s worry increased as he did as Marcus asked, sitting across from him. Legs apart, elbows resting on his knees, he leaned towards Marcus, hands clasped together nervously, tightly.

Just then Mige came walking up to them, carrying both his suitcase and Ville’s, as well as both of their bags, he didn’t say a word, just somberly dropping the things on the ground at his feet as he took a seat next to Marcus on the couch, turning towards him.

Marcus gulped, still unable to make eye contact with Ville.

“Marcus please, I can’t take this, where is she? What happened? Why aren’t you taking me to go see her?” Ville begged anxiously, his hands began to tremble again.

“Marcus sighed, “Last night Liv had, apparently under the influence, been driving the car her grandfather had given her earlier that day, she uh” He paused, sucking in a breath, “they’re not sure what happened but she uh, she ended up rolling down an embankment, the car flipped quite a few time they say, um and was stopped by a tree.” Tears began to well in Ville’s eyes. “Last night I got a call around eleven from Liv’s grandfather, it must have been about two here, he was at the hospital with her, they had found his number in her phone, so he had been there for her, and then he called me.” He paused, thinking his words over, taking deep breaths, “they had to use the jaws of life to get her out, the cars frame had been so uh, so contorted.” Ville winced at the word, his eyes closing as the tears flowed heavier. “she uh, she was there” Marcus’s voice cracked, but he continued, “apparently she was there for half an hour or so alone until someone driving along noticed the run over um bushes and stuff”

That was the last Ville could take without speaking. She was there, alone, for half an hour, in pain, in the dark, alone? “Marcus, I need, I need to”

“Listen” Marcus said sternly. He wasn’t a fan anymore, smiling at Ville eagerly as he had in the past, he was Liv’s friend, he was her brother, he was the adult. “She’s alright, physically. Cuts and scratches from the windows popping under the pressure, she has a few broken ribs, she fractured some bone in her leg and had a pretty bad concussion, which is why they still have her here”

“Marcus, is she awake? Why are you telling me this, why am I not with her right now hearing it from her own lips, Marcus what the hell is going on” His voice began to rise. She’s not fucking alright! She is the furthest thing from alright!

“Ville, She’s awake, she’s conscious, but she uh, she’s very upset right now. I’ve been sitting with her all morning, she doesn’t want you here.” He almost whispered the last few words.

Abruptly Ville stood up, “Bull shit. I need to see her right now, Marcus you don’t understand, I said horrible things, I lied to her, she needs to know I didn’t mean it, she needs to know I’m sorry, she needs to be comforted, she, she”

Marcus interrupted him, “if she even knew I told you where she was she would kill me alright.” He sounded angrier, yet still spoke down to Ville as if he was someone to be pitied, “I know what you said, she told me the whole story, for some fucked up reason I think I even believe you, but that’s not the point here,” He stood up, staring Ville earnestly in the eyes, “the point is she doesn’t want to see you, you need to respect her wishes”

That’s not an option, Ville thought angrily, his body tensing, preparing to leave them and search for a front desk, find out where she was, but he calmed himself. I’ve done enough damage haven’t I? Last night, she came, she came to tell me something, earlier that day she tried to speak to me again, that one night she was on something she tried to explain, that, that phone call she tried… Maybe I should listen to her for once, stop being a selfish bastard. What’s wrong with me? I, I, I, I. Me, me, me, me. That’s all I’ve fucking been thinking.

“Alright, alright. But Marcus, could you please, please, at least tell her I’m here, and that I’m going to stay here until she changes her mind.” He sniffled, wiping the wetness from his cheeks, taking a seat to show Marcus his truthfulness in the matter.

Marcus looked down at him with tight lips until he gave a curt nod, “okay, stay here, I’ll go up and tell her” He walked towards the set of elevators, turning his head to look back at Ville and Mige before stepping in and disappearing.

Ville looked over at the silent Mige who rubbed his face before shaking his head.

“what?” Ville said, he could see the judgement oozing from Mige.

“Jättäkää köyhä tyttö palauttaa omillaan. Hanki lennolla tänään mennä kotiin, tyhjentää pään, antaa hänelle tilaa.” (Just leave the poor girl to recover on her own. Get on a flight today, go home, clear your head, give her space.)

“Et ymmärrä. En voi jättää näitä asioita. Ei näin.” (You don’t understand. I can’t leave things like this. Not like this.) He begged for understanding, folding his legs under him, “Mige, Rehellisesti sanottuna en usko, että olen koskaan rakastanut ketään aivan kuten tämä. Tiedän, että tämä ei ole normaalia, ja tiedän, olen ollut vitun kamala ihminen, mutta rakastan häntä, ja minun täytyy tehdä asiat oikein, minun täytyy kertoa hänelle. Hän ei ehkä tarvitse minua enää, mutta en tarvitse häntä, en tarvitse häntä hengittää.” (Mige, I honestly don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone quite like this. I know this isn’t normal, and I know I’ve been a fucking horrible person, but I love her, and I have to make things right, I have to tell her. She may not need me anymore, but I need her, I need her to breath.) He ran his hand through his hair. “lähtemistä ei ole vaihtoehto.” (leaving is not an option)

“No voi asia sinulla on ystäviä luonanne sitten.” (Well good thing you have friends to stay with you then.) Came a familiar voice from nearby.

***

[Music Recommendation: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8qg_0P9L6c ]

The rain streaked down the window to her left, a gray city stretching out. The quiet chatter of other patients sharing her room mingled with the sounds of her almost inaudible sobs.

“Liv, honey, please try to get some sleep” Her grandfather urged silently beside her, rubbing the back of her hand gently, careful not to touch the IV sticking out. He sat next to her in a worn wooden chair next to the window, curtains drawn almost all the way around her hospital bed, but open to the left so she could look out the window.

She silently shook her head, her whole body aching with the small movement, bruised from head to toe. He doesn’t know.

Hanna sat on the other side of Liv, quiet company, doing school work but stealing worried glances at Liv, which she caught from the corner of her eye.

Suddenly the curtains were pulled aside, Marcus stepped in, she saw him, but didn’t move her gaze from the window, the rain.

“Can I have a few minutes alone with her?” Marcus asked politely, leaning against the windowsill.

Liv’s grandfather slowly got up, patting Marcus on the shoulder before leaving. Hanna set her books down on her seat, placing a kiss on Liv’s cheek, and one on Marcus’s lips before leaving as well.

Marcus pulled the curtain in, sitting down in her grandfather’s empty seat, sighing deeply as he looked at Liv’s immovable gaze out the window. “He’s here”

The breath was knocked out of her. She couldn’t think, didn’t want to think, thoughts hurt, they stung, throbbed, seared far more than any physical pain she currently had. “He needs to go. He, he can’t see me. I don’t…” She whispered, keeping her eyes locked on the window.

“If you weren’t crying, if there weren’t other patients here I’d probably yell at you right now. Liv, you know I love you, but you need to tell him” he said sternly, looking up at her from his seat.

She drew up her knees and her face fell into her hands, “I can’t” She cried in defeat, “how can I, how can I say the words out loud, to him, if I can’t even think about it. Marcus I can’t live with myself” He could barely make out her words, her tears had enveloped them.

“You’re strong, so incredibly strong. You’ll live through this Liv, I honestly can’t imagine what you’re going through, but Liv, this isn’t something you can keep to yourself, at least not with him. Don’t be a coward, you may be angry at him, at yourself, but he needs to know. I don’t care if you write him a letter, but he needs to know, and you have to be the one to tell him.”

She knew he was right, she knew she had to tell him the moment she found out, but that was the hardest part, telling him.

Liv bit her lip, bringing her hands away from her face.

I’m never going to forgive myself.

“Can you pass me my phone then leave please” She whispered, her insides churning at the thought of what was to come.

Marcus sighed with disappointment but did as she asked, handing her the cracked cellphone and leaving.

She began sobbing again as she looked down at her cellphone, wishing desperately that she had her mother there, to tell her everything was going to be alright, that she could do this, tell him. But I’m a terrible person, I’m a coward, I’m worthless, I should have just…, I never deserved him. She dialed his number, sliding lower into her uncomfortable hospital bed, pulling her blanket over her head and closing her eyes as the line began to ring.

He picked up on the first ring. “Liv?” His deep accented voice called out anxiously over the line.

Hearing his voice urged on her tears. Where do I even start?

He could hear her crying, knew she was there, his voice rang out like the softest caress “Liv, kultaseni, last night, you need to know”

She cut him off, unable to hear anymore, “please stop. Ville, don’t say a word. I’m going to tell you something and I need you to listen, and I’m so so sorry, for what I’m about to say, for the fact that I’m not telling you in person.” She hugged the covers over her head tighter as she struggled to take a deep breath between her heaving sobs “I was drinking last night, and, and I drove to get away, the car went off an embankment and crashed. The um, the doctor told me my injuries this morning and uh, I’m so so so sorry, words cannot express how sorry I am, but he told me that I had, that I, that I had had a um a miscarriage” She sucked in a breath before bursting out in loud sobs, struggling to speak, “he said I was a few weeks along. It was uh, it was the crash that, that” She couldn’t go on, she just couldn’t. He was silent on the other line, and she wanted him to stay that way, fearing his backlash, his hurt, his anger.

“Liv” he whispered after a long pause, all the strength gone from his voice, it was so weak and frail. Liv could hear the tears.

“Please don’t try to see me. Please forgive me. I…” She wanted to tell him she loved him, but the words wouldn’t form, “I’m sorry.” She hung up.

What have I done?

She ripped the IV out of her hand and curled up into a ball, ribs aching, leg throbbing, cuts stinging, arms hugging herself as tight as she could. Lying there under the shelter of the blanket, feeling incredibly small and despicable, worthless and horrible, she wept.

It hadn’t quite hit her before, she had tried with all her strength not to think about it, but after telling him, the walls had broken down, there was no escaping it now.

I killed our child.

After a few moments, stinging eyes fighting against sleep, Liv suddenly heard him, he sounded like a dream as he desperately called out her name, but he sounded far away, she heard scuffling, other patients opening up their curtains to look at the commotion, she heard doctors telling him to leave, she heard Marcus and Mige struggling to calm him down, but he wouldn’t stop, her name rang out again. She shut her eyes tightly, struggling to ignore him, ‘Look, I know this is kind of strange, and I apologize, but it’s just that, I saw you when you were rushed into the hospital, and well I guess I wanted to make sure you were alright. Again my apologies.’ He cried her name out again, but it sounded far more fainter, like he was further away. “I’ll never enjoy the silence again” Liv whispered to herself.

***

[October 3rd, 2013]

“You what?” Ville said angrily, turning to Mige who sat next to him. He hadn’t been listening, his mind had been too preoccupied, with her, always with her, as his eyes passed over the tiny city below, the plane ascending higher.

Mige sighed, keeping his eyes down on the worn book he was reading. “I went and saw her yesterday.” He said calmly. Ville reeked of alcohol, he reeked of anger, for the past few days that was all he’d seen of him, anger and pain, he was used to it. “I had to visit her one more time before we left, to make sure she was alright.”

Ville’s fingers dug into his palm. He knew he shouldn’t yell, cause a scene, that he should check his emotions, but it was so hard when he wanted to hit Mige as bad as he did. “wait. Again?”

Mige still wouldn’t look up from his book, his eyes hid between the pages, “I visited her with the guys before they got on their flight, the day you got kicked out of the hospital.” He said calmly.

He’s seen me, he’s seen the state of me they past few days and he didn’t say a fucking word? Didn’t tell me how she was at all? He ripped the book away from Mige, trying to keep his voice down, “Why didn’t you fucking tell me?”

Mige sighed as he turned to Ville calmly, “I’m sorry, I know I should’ve, but I didn’t want to upset you anymore than you already were, are, but now that we’re going home I thought you should know.”

Oh yes, tell me when I’m stuck miles and miles up in the air! Tell me when I can’t run to her, demand where she is and go see her, see those large hazel eyes, feel that soft cream skin, feel the warmth of…

Hell wasn’t adequate enough to describe the past few days. After Mige and Marcus had forcefully wrestled Ville out of the hospital he had gone on an angry rampage, screaming and yelling out in the street. Marcus had known, that’s what it was, that was the pity in his voice, in his eyes, he knew.

The news had hit Ville like a brick wall, his knees had buckling beneath him. He couldn’t quite comprehend it however, all at once he had had a child and lost one. In a split second he was a father then wasn’t.

He began tearing up at the memory, at Liv’s tortured voice as she told him.

But it was Liv he cried for, it was her he was worried about. If the news had torn him apart, ripped out his heart, crumbled him, wounded him, he couldn’t imagine how Liv was feeling, what she was going through.

It took all of Mige and Linde’s persuasive powers to calm him down after he had raged out in the street, to bring him back to the hotel. They tried, they tried desperately to find out what had happened, what was wrong, why for the first time for many of them, they were seeing their friend break down in tears.

He couldn’t tell them, couldn’t speak the words, it only made it all so real, so much worse. He still hadn’t told Mige.

He’d demanded alcohol, and lots of it as he cried, locked up in his hotel room, trying desperately to get a hold of Liv, but to no avail.

They had brought him what he had asked and then left him alone.

He’d trashed the washroom, breaking the mirror, ripping off the shower curtain, shouting with frustration, how could she just tell him, just tell him something like that and hang up? Deny to see him? Leave him yelling out her name in the hospital without a word? Tell him something like that over the fucking phone.

Mige’s eyes saddened as he saw the silent tears trickling down Ville’s face. “the first time me and the guys just wanted to make sure she was alright, you were distraught over something, we didn’t know what was going on, so after me and her friend Marcus managed to get you out of the hospital I got his number, I called him, and we went and visited her at her grandfathers after she had been released, while you were passed out in the hotel room.”

Ville kept silent, ringed hands angrily wiping the tears from his eyes as white clouds passed by his window. “And how was she?” He whispered, silently handing back Mige’s book.

“She was, she was rough.” His voice became horse, a fact which Ville did not miss. “She tried to smile, to tell us she was alright, to have a safe flight home. She hugged us, gave us tender kisses on the cheeks. She was alone with Seppo for a while. I asked him after what they had talked about and she had told him she wasn’t coming back on tour with us.” He paused, gauging Ville’s reaction carefully, trying hard not to hit a nerve, his friends mood swings had been so wild, he didn’t want to set him off, especially when he had been drinking.

Ville’s jaw clenched. I know I said horrible things but this is more, I, she doesn’t have to forgive me but she…

Why? Why wouldn’t she let me be there for her?

Seppo, Linde, Burton, and Gas had gone home after that, catching a late flight back to Helsinki, back to their homes, their families, more worried about Liv then they had been before seeing her. She couldn’t fool them.

Ville had refused to leave, protested angrily, and so Mige had decided to stay behind to comfort his friend, to check his behavior.

Ville had tried going to the hospital, he had tried finding out where her grandfather lived, he had tried calling Marcus, and Liv, every hour, every few minutes. She never answered, she never replied to his texts, there wasn’t a single word from her.

Ville brought his feet up on his seat, wrapping his arms around his knees. I just, I just gave up, he thought as he looked out the window tearfully, he’d told himself he wouldn’t leave, he wouldn’t leave until he saw her, until he spoke with her, anything, he would have taken anything, just some sign, some peace of him, but there was none, and after three days of ignoring calls, refusing to talk to anyone, even Bam who called, having found out about the crash, the news spreading like wildfire on the web. After three days of drinking, drinking and writing letters upon letters to Liv with no address, he’d given up.

Mige had promised, ardently, that he would help Ville, help him contact her, if only he would just return to Helsinki, return home, he had a job to do. They had a show on the sixth, he needed to return.

And he knew, he fucking knew this whole time where she was.

Hands balled into fists, trying hard to keep his voice even, “and yesterday? How was she then?”

Mige remained silent, Ville turned his head to look at him. Mige’s eyes stared down at the book, but he wasn’t reading.

“you brought it up, I, I need to know” Ville urged.

“I did, because you need to know, because you love her, despite whatever it is that happened, but please, remember we are in public, just be calm, remember that I didn’t tell you because I knew you wouldn’t have come back with me if you’d known, and I promised her I wouldn’t.” His words were coming out in a nervous flurry.

“Just tell me” Ville said between clenched teeth, bringing his legs down.

“Hän on peanut sairaalassa. Hänen isoisänsä ja Marcus ajattelin, että olisi parasta, jos hän kirjautui psykiatrinen osasto.” (She’s back at the hospital. Her grandfather and Marcus thought it would be best if she were checked into the psychiatric floor.)

The breath slowly left him. He knew what was left unsaid, that she, she had tried…

It’s my fault, she was too fragile for this, for any of it, I should have just stayed away, I shouldn’t have

He broke down crying again, shaking his head in denial. “Saan seuraavalla lennolla takaisin.” (I’m getting on the next flight back.)

Mige grabbed Ville’s shaking wrist, “Ei, et ole. Aiot jättää hänet on, anna hänen toipua, kehon ja mielen. Hän on Marcus, hänen isoisänsä, ilmeisesti hänen isänsä on jopa elpymässä ja aiotaan elää hänen ja hänen isoisänsä, kun hän on valmis lähtemään sairaalasta. Ville, hän luoksesi, kun hän on valmis.” (No, you’re not. You are going to leave her be, let her recover, body and mind. She has Marcus, her grandfather, apparently her father is even recovering and is going to be living with her and her grandfather when he’s ready to leave the hospital. Ville, she’ll come to you, when she’s ready.)

When she’s ready.