Heartaches Knocking on Her Door

[Helsinki, Finland, November 13 2014]

Her nose was practically pressed up against the cold airplane window, small flecks of frost coating its outside as the plane began to descend. The city was beautiful, dark ocean surrounding it, and light gray skies above. Large puffs of cloud lay scattered about casting shadows down below.

So what the hell am I supposed to think? Feel?

Just another city, she told herself, it’s just another city.

But it felt like returning home….
***

[November 14, 2014]

“You know what? I’m going to buy her everything. Little mini creepers, every and all band tee, I’m gonna spoil her fuckin rotten Marcus, just you wait.” She smiled, fingers pulling back the curtain of her hotel room, confirming her suspicions as she’d awoken to an odd glow coming from outside, snow.

Marcus chuckled, he sounded happier than she’d ever heard him before. “Hold your horses, she hasn’t even been born yet.”

Liv could feel the icy morning breeze press up against the window, making its way into her hotel room, goose bumps running up her bare arms, a silence filled the line.

“Uh Liv, I, I’m happy that you’re happy for me.” Marcus said hesitantly.

Liv smiled to herself. Finally, finally he said it.

As soon as Marcus and Hanna had found out they were expecting Liv had noticed an over delicacy on Marcus’s part, he had treaded so carefully over the subject, for months. It was unlike she didn’t know why, but could he think anything would get in the way of her happiness for him. Her best friend was going to be a father, he was going to be married soon, have a wife, family. As young as Marcus and Hanna were, Liv couldn’t help but think that’s exactly how things were supposed to be for them, and her heart swelled every time she thought of the new addition. “Of course I’m happy you idiot”

She could hear him breathe a sigh of relief. “Not that I doubted you, but uh, you know.”

She pressed her palm against the freezing glass of her window, looking out at the floating flakes, biting her bottom lip, it was an unapproachable subject, even after all this time. “I know.” She said solemnly. Fuck, she thought frustrated, this is supposed to be a happy conversation, a baby girl!

“Sorry.” Marcus said, “On a lighter note, we picked a name.” She could hear the giddiness return.

Liv turned from the window, stripping off her oversized Depeche Mode tee shirt, “oh?”

“Mary Liv Taylor”

“Marcus” Liv said almost breathlessly.

“Named after her aunt and godmother”

She was speechless as she stood hovering over her suitcase, her phone felt like it would slip from her hands at any moment.

“And you know what, you’re going to be such an amazing aunt. And you know what else, you’re going to do amazing at your shoot today. Fuckin Dani Filth, I can’t believe it, did it snow like you hoped?”

“Marcus! What did I say about making me cry?” Liv chuckled, he’d made her day and he knew it. She’d called him on the flight over the night before and he’d figured it out right away. She slowly lowered herself onto the floor, zipping open her suitcase which was already a mess after only one night.

“Only if you deserve it,” he said, quoting her. “Well you deserve it, happy tears. Alright I should head to bed, we’ve got another ultra sound tomorrow. Good night and good morning aunty Liv. Tell lord Filth I say hi.”

Liv grinned as she pulled out a Black Sabbath tee, “You got it, night.”

She set her phone down, rummaging around for her white skinny jeans. One of the things she enjoyed about working for Metal Hammer was that they really didn’t care how ‘professional’ she looked while on the job. Liv had spent the last year traveling the States and UK doing odd photography jobs. Photo shoot for a band here, concert shots there, all the while slowly working on expanding her personal photography. Four months ago she’d gotten, much to her amazement, an internship with John McMurtie, shadowing him during Metal Hammer photo shoots and as he went around with Iron Maiden for their 2014 world tour.

Liv stripped off her pajamas and began changing, remembering with delight when John had told her he felt there wasn’t anything left he could teach her, that he would be referring her to Metal Hammer to take her on as an official photographer.

She checked the time, tying her long hair back in a messy bun, an hour until Dani arrived on location at Sibelius park for the small shoot to accompany a page article for the next issue, fuck, only twenty minutes to get there and to start setting up.

Liv slipped on a black pea coat, wrapping a long red knitted scarf around her neck, stepping into her black Dr. Martens, throwing together her purse and the few bits of equipment she carried on her before rushing out of her hotel room, rubbing the tiredness from her eyes.

Fuck fuck fuck, she thought, racing through the lobby, hoping the cab she had called the night before to pick her up that morning would still be waiting for her, despite being ten minutes late.

She pulled on her gloves, stepping out onto the snow covered sidewalk, floating flakes delicately falling from the sky. Liv breathed a sigh of relief as she saw the cab driver parked on the curb reading a newspaper.

She hopped in, throwing her purse and camera bag in beside her, “Sibelius Park olkaa hyvä” Liv said breathlessly, smiling at the wrinkled driver who didn’t seem to mind her lateness. He folded up the paper, started the engine, cranked the heat, and pulled out of the curb.

If John were here he’d be scolding me right now, Liv thought, still trying to catch her breath as the cab drove through the snowy streets.

The drive wasn’t nearly as long as Liv imagined it would be, the driver an expert in the snow. He pulled up to the edge of the park and Liv thanked him, giving him his fair before stepping back out into the cold.

Liv paused with awe as she looked out across the white encompassed park, seeing the Sibelius monument in the distance. It was utterly beautiful, almost blending in with the curtain of snow topped trees behind it. Large silvery pipes, bunched together like a disarray of pipe organs jutted out off the ground and reached up towards the light gray sky, snow swirling down around it. I knew this would be a perfect location, Liv grinned to herself as she began to struggle her way through the snow to the monument where she could see her assistant there already, all the equipment set up and ready to go.

“And you’re supposed to be the professional!” Called out Siiri jokingly with her Finnish accent.

After hiring her for the shoot and speaking with her multiple times over the phone, Liv had only met Siiri the day before, right after she had gotten off her flight, going out to dinner and going over the details of the shoot. She was a friendly, outspoken young women around Liv’s age, with shoulder length, dyed black hair, large blue eyes, thin, short, riddled in tattoo’s, with a complimentary medusa piercing above her upper lip.

“Jet leg, I couldn’t fuckin sleep” Liv shrugged, reaching Siiri and helping her adjust the lighting umbrella she was setting up. Liv bit her lip a she tightened the bar while Siiri held it up, was it really the jet leg?

“Sure, sure” Siiri laughed, stepping back to make sure the angle was right.

Liv turned, looking up at the monument, snowflakes melting on her flushed red cheeks, okay so just need to get the cameras and lens’s ready, get Dani ready when he gets here, fuck what else, “Siiri, could you start getting the cameras ready”

“Every single thing is set up and ready to go, I went off of your lighting predictions from last night, the exposure should be on point.” Siiri came up next to Liv, admiring the monument with her, holding her large puffed up black coat close around her.

“I’m giving you a raise” Liv smiled, nudging Siiri.

“Or, hire me full time, who the hell knows when you’ll be in Helsinki next, needing an assistant? Plus I can help you with your Finnish”

Liv turned with mock shock on her face, “hey! I think my Finnish is very good thank you very much.” She pulled her scarf tighter and began fidgeting with the equipment set up on the table under the tent.

“Miten yu edes osaa suomea?” (How do you even know Finnish?) Siiri asked as she pulled out her phone to pass the time until Dani arrived.

“Tiesin osa suomalaisista.” (I knew some Finns) Liv replied curtly, spying what she suspected was Dani’s ride maneuvering through the snow in the parking lot. She began trudging her way over.

“Touchy” Siiri called after Liv.

She’s got a mouth on her, Liv grumbled to herself, a smile breaking through, I really should just hire her full time.

Dani jumped out of the cab, backpack swung over one shoulder, black hood up, black leather jacket zipped up, black scarf round his neck, dark gray jeans and black boots.

Liv raised her brow as the cab took off, she’d expected him to come with his manager or some sort of friend, anyone.

“Ah you must be Liv” He grinned with his English accent, pulling down his hood, shoulder length black hair falling over his scarf, he reached out a hand for Liv, plowing through the snow. “A bit young eh?” He said as Liv shook his hand.

“Dani, Hi. Yeah I get that a lot” She shrugged, unable to contain the wide smile on her lips. Dani Filth, Dani fucking Filth, Lord Filth! She screamed internally. “Alright, so um yeah, so they just want a really casual shot of you somewhere here in the city, thought this was a good location” She pointed towards the monument, “It shouldn’t take long, I know it’s pretty cold.”

“It’s bloody fucking freezing” He laughed letting Liv lead him back through the path of footprints she’d made on the way over.

“I’ve been here quite a few times, still not really use to the weather, such a departure from the States, but I love the snow and was counting on it for this shoot. Have you been to the Sibelius monument before?” Liv smiled, turning to Dani who’s eyes looked her over, still not quite convinced that she was experienced enough.

He squinted his eyes, trying to give it a better look as they came up to the tented area Siiri had set up, sheltering the equipment from the snow at the base of the rock outcropping that the monument was situated atop. “I have not, but for the life of me I can’t figure out why.” A grin broke at the edge of his lips as he stared up approvingly at the mass of cylindrical metal tubes, frost coating the outside.

“Dani this is Siiri my assistant, Siiri this is Dani Filth” Liv said suddenly, noticing Siiris agitated expression, she was clearly a fan too.

“Nice to meet you.” He said, taking her hand in a firm shake. “Looks like you don’t work surrounded by people either?”

Liv shrugged, “John, who you talked to already, said Metal Hammer just wanted a natural shot, somewhere on location in Helsinki, plus I prefer to work with as little people as possible.” She began screwing on the 50mm lens as Siiri took his backpack from him.

“Oh so you must be this protégé I keep hearing about.” Dani accepted the mirror Siiri handed him so he could adjust his scarf and hair.

“I guess I am” so my reputation precedes me, Liv laughed to herself. “Alright, do you want to follow me up, this shouldn’t take long at all, I just want to try out a few of the lens’s and a few angles and you’ll be free.”

“Oh I don’t mind, beautiful day, beautiful women, I’ve been doing interviews for the past couple of days, was on some radio show this morning.” Liv positioned him at the base of the monument, between its two wings, standing back as she looked through her lens at him, making sure the lighting and contrast was right before she started using film.

“Is that what you’re doing here in Helsinki? Promotional interviews?” She motioned for Siiri to move one of the lighting umbrellas to the left, face behind her camera.

Dani stood, waiting patiently, looking around the park as the snow continued to fall down, coating his hair. “That, and I’ve been secretly recording some vocals for a local bands next album.” He smirked, catching Liv’s eyes.

Liv began taking a few tester shots, unhappy with the angle. She came closer to him and knelt down, snow easily soaking through her thin jeans as she pointed the camera up making the angle more menacing as Dani loomed over the camera. He’s not wearing his usual stage makeup and clothing but he should still look menacing, Liv thought. “Secretly?” She smiled, finally satisfied with the angle, beginning to take shots as she let Dani pose himself.

The snow began to fall harder as Liv shuffled on the ground to the left, Dani sticking his chin up in the air as she took a shot, looking down intimidatingly for another. “Yeah, at least for now, Ville doesn’t want the news to get out until the albums finished up.”

Liv froze as the frozen flecks whirled around her, her knees freezing on the ground. She couldn’t help it. Fuck, Liv thought angrily, trying to even her expression, a year and the sound of His fucking name still does this to you? An ingenuine laughed burst from her lips as she got up to change lenses, “ah so you’re going to be singing on the next HIM album?” Siiri gave Liv an odd look as she grabbed the 80mm. what? Liv mouthed at her, turning back to Dani as he shook the snow from his hair.

“You got me” Dani laughed. “Do you know the guys?”

“I do, I uh, use to photograph them, but we haven’t talked in a long time now.” She got up again to adjust one of the lighting umbrellas.

“Wait sorry dear, what’s your name again?” He looked over at Liv with confusion as she lowered an umbrella, making her way over to the other.

“Liv, Liv manning.” She suddenly realized she was chewing down furiously on her bottom, stopping herself immediately, for christs sake Liv.

An odd grin crossed Dani’s lips as Liv moved back to her former position in front of him, camera pointed upwards, “Liv, you wouldn’t happen to want to go to one of their shows, it’s one of those impromptu things, on the 17th and of course bring your lovely assistant.”

“I’m sure Siiri would love to go, but I uh, I’ve got to fly over to London for an interview and a shoot with John”

“Tomorrow then, come down with me to their rehearsal place” Dani insisted.

Liv peaked out from behind her camera with a raised brow, “I’ve got a shoot tomorrow, I’m sorry. But uh, tell them, tell them I miss them.”

“Of course” Dani smiled with a hint of disappointment in his eyes.

Liv took a few more shots, the snow coming down harder and in larger flakes. “I think I’ve got everything I need. If you don’t mind waiting while we pack up the equipment, we can give you a lift back into town?”

***

The coffee cups warmed his chilled hands, plumes of steam escaping from the lid as he trudged through the snow towards Jesse’s apartment.

His head pounded as the snow came down around him, he’d gone out with the guys and Dani the night before, after almost a full day in the studio. Friends, beers, I needed it. Ever since touring had ended in early September he’d either been locked up in his tower like some Grimm princess, or in the studio, whether the guys were there working with him or not. Recorded melodies on his phone, stacks and stacks of lyrics. Pent up emotion from days long past could finally be let out, could finally become his art, and he had been furiously working to get it out, get it all out of him, ever last tar stain on his heart.

He pressed the buzzer as he came up to the outside of Jesse’s apartment building, hearing the click as Jesse answered.

“Päästä minut sisään kusipää” (let me in fucker) Ville said into the speaker before Jesse buzzed him in with a laugh.

He pushed the door open with his back and began the ascent to the second floor of the building.

Jesse had been calling him the past couple of days, but with practically every hour spent working on the new material, especially since Dani was in town, Ville just hadn’t had the time. But I do now, he thought, trying to flick a curl out of his eyes with a jerk of his head. Dani had some Metal Hammer photo shoot that morning. He’d even asked Ville to join him, hint at the collaboration, but he had turned him down to spend time with Jesse instead.

Jesse stood in his doorway waiting for Ville. He had on a plain white hoodie and dark tight fitting jeans, chin length hair still wet from a shower.

“For me?” he smiled as Ville held out one of the coffees, a double double, just like Jesse preferred.

“For you” Ville said following Jesse in and kicking the door closed behind himself, taking a sip of his own coffee, black.

“So what do I owe this pleasure?” Jesse laughed, taking a seat at the small table in his little kitchen, dirty plates filling the counters, cans littered about.

Ville shrugged, taking a seat, “You keep calling during rehearsal and by the time I get home I’m too fucking tired to call you back, so here I am in all my sleepless glory, here to spend time with my oh so charming little brother.” He looked over at Jesse with a dramatically smug expression.

“Oh thank you your highness.” Jesse laughed before rolling his eyes and taking a sip of his coffee. He looked away for a moment, as if to collect his thoughts, then turned back to Ville. “So uh, I’ve got a date lined up for you tomorrow, short notice I know, but I’ve had such a hard time getting hold of you.”

Ville lowered the cup from his lips with a raised brow. A date?

“You know I hate dating. The whole process is sickening and impersonal, if you love someone than why ‘date’ them. You know I feel this way.” He narrowed his eyes at Jesse

“The situations different. Go, take her out, you’ll like her, I can assure you. Learned, beautiful, likes some good music.”

Ville looked into his brothers light green eyes, sipping at his coffee. He knew exactly what he was thinking, thinking but not saying, over a year, it’s been over a year.

“Fine then”

“Fine” Jesse smiled with satisfaction.

***

[November 15, 2014]

“Speak English for fucks sakes,” Liv grumbled, taking a sip of her coffee, fiddling with the edges of the blood red back drop she had gotten for the shoot.

“En ennen kuin kerrot minulle suomalaiset tiedät.” (Not until you tell me about the Finns you know) Siiri chuckled, leaning against the refreshment table as a few other assistants and the makeup girl ran around finishing up the preparations for the shoot.

“I’m going to fire you” Liv smiled into her cup, as she walked over to the window of the empty loft she had set the shoot up in, peeking down just as she saw a black van pull up. “the vampires are here” Liv announced.

She hadn’t seen Jussi or Jykri since, since a long time. Was it, Liv thought, putting down her cup of coffee, the last time I was here? No no, I saw them in LA what was it, six months ago at The Viper Room?

Before she’d arrived in the city she’d gotten a call from Petri, their manager, wondering if she could do a small shoot for them, she’d accepted the opportunity instantly, surprised that they had even remembered her.

She could hear their heavy boots on the hardwood stairs, the clinking of chains.

“Well isn’t it the lovely Liv” Jyrki smiled as he stepped into view. His black helmet of hair was tousled, framing his face, hidden by large sunglasses. He had on a leather jacket, light gray V neck which cut down incredibly low, a dark gray scarf, and a ton of silver chained necklaces, crosses at the end swaying as he approached Liv.

Liv grinned, “Hei” She extended a hand.

“Oh we’re not complete strangers” Jyrki said, grabbing Liv’s hand with his ringed one and pulling her in for a hug.

She chuckled hugging him back.

Jussi came up behind them, his hair spiked up to incredible lengths, he had on a black long sleeve, leather jacket hung over one arm. “So did the American ever get another tattoo below the belt?”

Liv choked on her saliva, forgot they knew about that one. “No, no I haven’t, yet” She winked at Jussi jokingly as he gave her a half hug with his free arm, a cup of coffee in the other.

Jussi laughed, tossing his jacket onto an empty chair as the rest of the guys filed up the stairs. “This is Archzie, Bazie, and Timo”

Liv shook their hands with delight. No matter how many musicians she met, she could never help but burst from within with excitement, memories of youth, the giddiness as she would slip out a record and put it on.

Liv clapped her hands together “alright guys, so we have some clothes for you to choose from and makeup to put you in. Archzie, Timo, and Jussi if you don’t mind would you like to go with Steven over there and he’ll show you the clothes. Jyrki, Bazie, we can get you into makeup right here.” The guys split up, Archzie, Timo, and Jussi listening to Liv’s orders with bemused smirks, following Steven, the wardrobe manager, who brought them over to a rack of black clothing, options labeled for each individual. Jyrki and Bazie each took a seat at the two director style chairs set up near a small table covered in various makeup, the two makeup girls getting started right away, having discussed with Liv beforehand what kind of look she wanted them to have.

She went and grabbed her coffee, asking Siiri to make sure the lenses we set up and ready to easily change, “I don’t want to waste their time”

“Yes I know boss lady, quick and done well” Siiri rolled her eyes jokingly, leaving Liv to go do what she had asked.

Glad to get rid of her, but I think I’ll miss her, Liv thought, taking a breather and sipping her coffee as she watched everyone at work. What else do I have to do? Got an interview about an hour after this shoot should be done, she checked the thin black leather strapped watch around her wrist, which should be at four, then I have the rest of the night to myself, probably should stay in, to be safe, pack, call John.

“Hey Liv” called Jyrki as Emilia worked on his heavy eyeliner.

Liv came, tucking a strange of loose hair into her beanie. “What’s up? Do you need something? A coffee or”

Jyrki cut her off with a deep chuckle, “No, no I’m fine, just wanted to talk while I get this crap piled up on my face. How have you been?”

Liv paused, chewing her lip. She hadn’t been asked that in a long time. How have I been? Over the past year? Up and down, it’s always up and down. Since arriving here, in this city? Struggling. She stuck on a smile, “I’ve been good, really good” at least, in terms of my career. “I work for Metal Hammer now, been on the road a lot.” Liv shrugged. What more is there to say really?

“I only met you twice but you’ve really matured” He let out a loud laugh, “I guess that’s what people are supposed to do. You don’t have those nervous eyes, not so timid.” He pursed his lips, trying to look up at her as Emilia began blending the black shadow on his lids.

“A grown fuckin woman.” Jussi laughed, throwing an arm over Liv’s shoulder. He’d changed into long sleeve mesh shirt, a single large crossed necklace over top, tight new black jeans and new leather boots, a pair of sunglasses hanging from the top of his shirt. “Not that you were a child before, but definitely something different about you.”

“I don’t know if that’s supposed to be a good thing or bad thing, but hey, I’ll take it”

“Hey why don’t you come out tonight for some drinks?” Jussi asked, taking Bazie’s seat as he got up to go over to the clothing rack.

Liv bit down on her bottom lip. I probably should? I mean, it’s not every day you asked to go out for drinks with Helsinki vampires right? She smiled to herself. What reason is there to say no?

Jussi glanced over at Jyrki, than back at Liv, the two registering an unsaid comment as Liv’s pause lengthened.

Jyrki cleared his throat “it’ll just be the three of us, unless you’d like…”

“No, that’ll be fine” Liv smiled, fingers tightening on her coffee cup.

***

The shoot had been quick and easy, the guys cooperating perfectly, frowns and menace during the shots and smiles between them. They had all been surprised at Liv’s efficiency, at both angling them just right, at being fast with lens changes, and with easily explaining what she wanted from each of them. After the shoot had finished up the guys had to head out for a business meeting with their record label, Jussi telling Liv him and Jyrki would meet her outside her hotel later that night.

“How the fuck do you do it?” Siiri asked, accepting the lighter Liv held out.

The two walked along the snow packed sidewalk, a setting sun trying to peek through the snow clouds.

Liv took a drag of her cigarette, watching her breath intertwine with the smoke as she exhaled, adjusting the black beanie on her head. “do what?” After packing up and dropping off all the equipment with Siiri Liv had gone to her interview. It hadn’t been long, and thankfully touchy subjects had been avoided. After that Liv had called Siiri up to take her out for an early dinner. The two now walked along the snow packed side walk, Siiri’s apartment on the way to Liv’s hotel.

“become friends with people like Kat Von D and The 69 Eyes and Iron Maiden and H.I.M. and” She lit the cigarette between her lips, handing back the lighter before shoving her hands in her pockets.

She makes it sound like I’m some, some kind of, I don’t know, I don’t like it, “my photography I guess” She shrugged, taking another drag as the two walked casually along.

“I think if I knew how famous you were I would have been too scared to apply for the job” Siiri nudged Liv playfully. “well this is my stop.” She stopped in front of a set of apartment buildings, pulling out a set of keys from her pocket. “want a ride to the airport tomorrow morning?”

Liv smiled, adjusting the strap of her purse, “you’re just trying to suck up so I hire you full time, but you know what, it’s working. You do your job, and you do it well, I’ll call my boss when I get back to my hotel, see what the schedule looks like for a while and get back to you while I’m in the UK.”

Siiri smiled, the excitement bubbling within her, but she quickly regained composure as Liv began to laugh at her reaction. “Alright boss, bye boss.” She turned to open the front door of the shabby building, but turned around suddenly, grabbing Liv in a hug before popping into the building.

I could use the help, and the company that’s for damn sure, Liv thought as she turned away from the building, tossing her burnt out cigarette and shoving her hands in her pockets.

Her hotel, hotel Torni was just a few blocks away, a beautiful building with a high reaching tower. It was much fancier and beautiful and comfortable than the last hotel she’d stayed at in Helsinki, and she hated it.

The skies grew darker above as she took in the beautiful city, the night life slowly becoming active, street lights turning on, some shops closing, others just opening. This place never fails to amaze me, she thought, teeth grazing her bottom lip, I should have come back sooner…

It would be a lie to say she hadn’t had her hesitations about coming back, but those things were in the past, it had been a dream, all of it, happening in a flash and suddenly she had awoken in a cold sweat, the day had begun, it had been time to get out of bed, and so she had, throwing herself headlong into her work.

“Liv?” Her head snapped in the direction of his voice instantly.

She watched stunned as he bounded across the street, breathlessly stopping in front of her.

“Tyler?”

His hair was shorter, peeking out from a dark green beanie, beard gone. He wore a red plaid long sleeve under a light wash jean jacket, black scarf and jeans.

She could gage his expression. It turned from a smile of happiness, waning to relief, yet as he looked down into her eyes it vanished altogether. “What are you doing in Helsinki? How are you? How have you been?”

She moved to the side so other people could pass them on the sidewalk as she tried to piece together her thoughts. “I uh, I’ve been good, here doing some photography. What about you? How’s the um magazine.” She use to think she would slap Tyler, do something melodramatic if she ever saw him again. She use to blame him for a while, there always has to be a scapegoat right?

Her words went straight over his head as he took a step closer to her with earnest, “Are you still with”

“No” Liv cut in before Tyler could say His name.

“Okay, I’ll get to the point” He could see Liv’s eyes look past him. She didn’t want to talk about it, it was in the past, all was forgiven. “I heard about the crash alright, and I know it happened a while ago but I, I feel like shit alright. I don’t know what came over me. I liked you, I really did, but, I was still so fucking bitter about Sandra, and I stopped drinking and I uh, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, you didn’t deserve it.”

She’d never seen Tyler like this before, it caught her completely off guard, all his vulnerability laid out, sincerity pouring from his lips, worried brows, pleading eyes.

She slowly bridged the gap between them and brought her arms around him in a hesitant hug. “Tyler, I forgave you a long time ago.” She pulled back, holding him at arm’s length by the shoulders, “clear your conscience”

“but the crash and you two aren’t…” he fumbled over his words, unable to look at her any longer, the forgiveness written all over her expression.

“they were my own fault” she shrugged, “I’m sorry you’ve been carrying this, this guilt with you” I know what that’s like, to blame yourself every waking moment, second. She let go of him, unsure of what to do next.

“thank you” he sighed with relief, “I, I’m just going through some shit, trying to get over my drinking and a lot of things have been weighing heavy on me, I’ve been trying to make amends with every one, I was going to call you actually, in the hopes you still had your old number. You know, I even saw Ville a few weeks ago and apologized to him too.” He took off his beany, clutching it tight in one hand while the other ran through his hair.

She closed her eyes for a second before quickly regaining herself, heartbeat picking up, “oh?”

“He apologized to me” Tyler mumbled, looking down, ashamed.

She wanted to ask, ask Tyler how He was doing, had His lips tensed up as Tyler had approached, the way they always did when He was angry? Were the pools of His green eyes bright with happiness? Were there creases of worry in His forehead? What did He have to apologize for?

“It’s in the past alright, it’s been over a year and you know, things were different then” incredibly different.

“okay” He pulled on his beanie, catching her gaze, “okay” he repeated with conviction. “sorry if I delayed you, you looked like you were going somewhere, I just uh, I needed to get that off my chest.”

“It’s no problem really.” Liv smiled. She didn’t know how to express it, still so taken aback by seeing Tyler again, the memories that followed, he was forgiven, but he had used her and hurt her nonetheless.

“thank you, so much.” He smiled, “have fun wherever you’re headed”

Liv saw him pause, as if he wanted to say more, ask her out for a coffee, catch up, just, something more than a quick goodbye after everything, but he didn’t, and she was thankful. She wouldn’t have accepted, forgiveness didn’t mean the memories were suddenly gone, his drunken angry eyes in that bathroom stall as he barred her exit, she still saw those eyes when she looked at him.

He turned and crossed the street back to where he had been, turning once to smile over at Liv before he walked away down the street, the snowflakes beginning to calmly fall down upon him.

I hope he’s going to be alright, Liv thought, continuing her walk. You know, I handled that surprisingly well, no anxiety, she tasted the blood on her lips, okay well not that much.

Her mind couldn’t help linger on something Tyler had said. Did He really apologize? What does He have to apologize for? The jealousy?

She looked up at the falling snow, coming down with gentle melting caresses on her freezing cheeks. I hope He’s happy.

I hope I don’t see Him.

***

“No no, just send me the shots and I can begin to edit them, I’m going to be in London for the month anyways, I’ve had you working like a dog so I’m giving you a break, you don’t have to be back in London until next week alright?”

“But John I’m fine, I like work, keeps me busy, keeps my mind busy, after the shoot I had today with the Eyes I’ve got nothing else to do here” Liv muttered. John was a slave driver when it came to work but a softy when it came to Liv’s personal well-being, never too harsh, pushing her just the right amount. But it was true, she hadn’t had a break in so long, hadn’t seen her father or grandfather or Marcus in so long.

“Don’t be stubborn” He laughed, “part of the business is learning when to take a break, honestly Liv I keep throwing jobs at you and you just take them, and before that you were just working non-stop, take a breather kid. You’re taking a break and I won’t hear anything of the contrary, have fun.” He hung up before Liv could protest further.

She tossed her phone angrily on her hotel room bed. So what the hell am I supposed to do here? I was fine, I’ve been perfectly fine for the past two days.

I can’t stay here.

I can’t head back to LA, Marcus and Hanna are far too busy. Dad’s busy with his new girlfriend, grandpas on that cruise I got him for his birthday. I could fly off to London anyways, but John would have a fit if he even saw me around. I could, I could fly over to…. fuck

She paced her hotel room, still in the towel she’d thrown on after her shower, the edges of her wet hair dangling at her hips.

A thought suddenly sprang to mind. There was a point to all the work, there was a point to only staying here briefly, distraction, and there was only one person who was phenomenal at it.

She sat down on the edge of her bed, grabbing her phone from the folds, dialing his number before balancing her cell between her ear and shoulder. I hope he still has the same number, always freakin breaking his phone. She let the towel fall to her waste, grabbing the tattoo cream from her bedside table and applying it to the new ink on her ribs, just to the left of her breast.

The call went straight to voice mail.

Liv sighed with exasperation, standing up and flipping her head down so she could scrunch up her hair to help her curls, hoping it wouldn’t dry frizzy.

Staying here isn’t an option, she thought biting her lip and pulling out the clothes she had already set aside.

She did her makeup slowly, no rush, she had time, dark shadow and nude lips, trying to follow the tips Kat had given her.

Liv was in the midst of an epic battle between her thighs and the leather pants she wanted to wear that night when there was a loud knock on her hotel room door.

Who the hell is that, she thought, quickly giving the pants a yank up and pulling on a red plaid, tank top with a sweetheart neckline. She pulled open her door, confused, almost closing it instantly as she burst out into laughter as she saw who stood out in the hall, stark naked. She leaned against the door laughing aloud, unable to get the image of Novak’s nakedness out of mind.

“let us the fuck in” came Bam’s deep laugh from outside in the hall.

“Oh god” Liv chuckled, “Only if Novak puts something on, anything!” She opened the door hesitantly, peeking an eye through the slit, cheeks flushed bright red.

Bam stood out in the hall wearing a black beanie, black sweater with the hood up and stained dark jeans. He had one arm around Nikki’s who had on striped tights under a tight black skirt and buttoned up vest. Novak was behind them wearing a fedora, struggling to put on a pair of pants.

Liv threw open the door, grabbing Bam and Nikki in a hug, “what the hell are you guys doing here?”

“Ran into Jyrki today, thought we’d come and bring you to the party” Bam grinned, letting go of Nikki and pushing past Liv into her hotel room, handing her a bottle of beer in the process.

Liv could barely speak, her smile was hurting her cheeks. She hadn’t seen Bam since she had been released from the hospital. Of course they had texted and called, but seeing him after so long, beard scruffier than ever, white tee shirt paint stained, ragged scarves around his neck, large rings on his fingers, she was in shock.

Nikki followed Bam in, laughing at Liv’s surprised expression and giving her a kiss on the cheek in the process.

Novak stumbled in, winking at Liv, bare chested, tight jeans barely staying on as he made his way into her washroom.

Liv popped the lid off of her beer on the door frame before closing the door behind her. “No, Bam, I mean, what are you guys doing here, in Helsinki?” She took a sip of the beer.

Liv’s smile faltered for a second as she watched Bam and Nikki exchange a look, “Ville’s birthday bash” Bam said, obviously trying to be as casual as possible.

Right… “Wait wait wait, that isn’t where we’re going is it?” And if it were? I would just have to suck it the fuck up, I should try to be making amends, even after all this time. I should be seeking him out, asking for forgiveness, though, I don’t deserve it. So why haven’t I…

“Nope” Nikki grinned, grabbing Liv’s purse from up off the ground where she had set it aside by her black suede mary jane pumps. “that’s next week. Bam over here insisted we come early though, in the hopes of catching up with you.”

“And so we did” Novak slurred, stepping out of the washroom, wiping his wet hands on his pants, “now let’s fucking celebrate! Off to the bar!” He marched out of the room.

Nikki laughed, slapping Liv on the ass as she followed him out, “come on young thing”

Liv grinned, quickly slipping on and strapping her shoes, grabbing a coat and her purse. Bam waited, shuffling out of the room before she locked her door behind her.

He threw an arm around her shoulder, smiling ear to ear, smelling of beer. “so how you been kid?”

Liv bit her lip, “I’ve been good” It was a default answer, but usually covered everything. She stopped though, turning to Bam, hearing Nikki and Novak at the end of the hotel hallway waiting for the elevator. “Bam I need to, no, want to thank you, so much, for everything this year. If you hadn’t have helped with that project I had back in March, I would have been where I, John wouldn’t have seen, I wouldn’t be”

“Shhhh” He laughed, putting his finger up to her lips, pushing her to keep walking, “it was your photography that did all that”

“But Bam, if you hadn’t given me that push I don’t know if I would have” Her words stumbled out in a rush. Of course she had thanked Bam a thousand times but texting, calling, emailing, it just doesn’t amount to seeing someone in the flesh. You could think up an entire conversation you’d have with them, you could imagine how things would go, but seeing them, standing in front of them, feeling their eyes on you, it’s never as you thought. What comes out of your lips, what comes out of their lips, its spontaneity, its real, and that’s how Liv felt, seeing Bam after so long. All her thankfulness had returned in a rush.

“You can thank me by getting your ass fuckin drunk and having a good time tonight with some old friends alright?” He laughed grabbing Liv in a head lock and giving her a noogy as he gently pushed her into the elevator with Nikki and Novak.

***

Jyrki was waiting outside of Bakkari, chatting away in Finnish on the phone, signing an autograph, when their taxi pulled up to the curb.

He hung up, smiling as Bam hopped out, “long time no see” He grinned, patting Jyrki on the back.

He was dressed much in exactly what he had worn to the shoot that morning, except more jewelry, chains dangling in clumps around his neck, menacing rings on every finger.

Liv carefully filed out of the cab. Though the sidewalk had been salted outside the bar, what was left had frozen and become slippery.

It had been so long since Liv had gone out drinking with friends, it felt like ages. She was becoming giddier and giddier with anticipation for the night to begin. Distraction. “Where’s Jussi?”

“Inside at our booth with Mige” Jyrki smiled.

Liv paused, turning to look from Jyrki to Bam, who laughed at her reaction.

“Well don’t just fuckin stand there” Bam grinned, finishing the beer bottle in his hand as Nikki wrapped her arms around him, resting her chin on his shoulder, “go on, find em, we’ll be right in.”

Liv nodded, flashing them a smile before she went into the bar. Bakkari was packed, and roaring. People of different ages, dark clothing, beer flowing, shots gulped down like water, a drunken Finnish roar practically drowning out the large rock music.

Liv climbed her way up to the second floor which was far less busy, not needing to pay cover, the perk of Jussi being a partial owner of the bar.

Liv’s eyes looked around with excitement as she slid off her coat and gave it to coat check quickly, ignoring the eyes of a few bar patrons as they took her in.

She squirmed threw the crowd, loud rock music reverberating off the wall, passing a familiar booth, smiling at the happy memory before continuing through the close pressed crowd.

The booth she was looking for was just on the other end of the dance floor, women’s hair flying around as they shook their heads, men in black muscle tee shirts pulling similar moves as they held tight to beer bottles.

She could see him laughing, sitting at the far booth next to Jussi, a beer bottle in one hand, the other scratching his beard.

Liv slid in across from him, her cheeks aching from the smile on her lips as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Well isn’t it the zombie lover herself!” Guffawed Mige across from Liv.

She couldn’t help it, she began laughing with happiness as she took in her old friend. His hair was cut incredibly short but beard still thick and long. He had on a classic black Slayer tee under his black leather jacket.

She couldn’t take it, Liv jumped out of her seat, went around the table and grabbed Mige in a hug. “I’ve missed you” She whispered in his ear before pulling away, registering a hint of sadness in his eyes. She knew, she knew why it was there. It was her fault, it was her fault she hadn’t seen him in so long, that she missed him so much, but he wouldn’t bring it up, no, not after so long. Would he?

“And hello to you too” Jussi joked, sliding out of the booth, “I’m guessing everyone’s here right?” Liv nodded, “I’ll grab us all some drinks” He left them to catch up, disappearing in the crowd.

Liv took his seat next to Mige.

“Dani told us you were in town” He laughed. He was giddy, just like her, the smile never leaving his lips for a second.

Us. Of course. So He knows.

Liv shook her mind clear. “Yeah I did a shoot with him for Metal Hammer, which I work for now.” She said proudly, jokingly sticking her chin up in the air.

“Well then” Mige chuckled, “little lady’s quite the professional now eh?”

“Something like that” Liv shrugged with mock modesty. “so what are the rest of the guys up to tonight? I really miss them.” She really meant it, she missed Linde’s insightful thoughts on life. She missed Gas’s long discussions on the best food in town. She missed Burtons stories about the crazy stuff the band use to get up to back in the day. She missed…

“Mizee!” Yelled Bam as he appeared with Nikki, Jussi, and Jyrki. Novak having disappeared already, likely somewhere on the dance floor.

They all squeezed into the booth as Jussi set down a tray of murky brown shots.

“Okei okei okei” Jussi said, clearing his throat, “catching up can happen later, first we drink” He grabbed a shot.

Oh god, Liv thought, grabbing the disgusting looking shot. Everyone else did the same. Here goes nothing, “Kippis!” (cheers!) she said, throwing back the drink.

“Kippis!” Everyone laughed.

***

“that’s a funny thing you do” She chuckled, bringing him back to the present, the past having plagued his mind all evening.

“I’m sorry what” Ville replied, intently locking his eyes on Ella, his blind date, determined to stay out of his mind, focus on her. Oh god I’ve been a total ass, what has the poor girl even been talking about this whole time? There must be some way to salvage the evening.

She brushed a golden strand of hair over her shoulder, bright smile still shining upon him, the remnants of her desert left in crumbs on her plate. How much have I missed? He thought confused, dessert? Already? But I’ve only just sat down.

“with your lip, have you ever noticed you’ve got a habit of biting it while you’re distracted? Or is it nervousness?” She cocked her head to the side.

Well fuck, Ville thought angrily, closing his eyes in frustration for a moment, “Ella I, I’m terribly sorry, I’ve been so rude.”

Ella shrugged, “blind dates are a hit and miss I suppose. Should we call it an evening?”

She was leaving it open for him, the glint in her eyes. The date was clearly a disappointment but the night didn’t have to be over.

His bottom lip slipped in between his teeth unconsciously, deliberating.

“I think we should, I’m sorry” He stood, going around the table and pulled out Ella’s chair for her, helping her with her coat as the bill arrived at the table, slipping some cash under the bill after giving it a peak and escorting Ella out of the bustling restaurant.

“Would you like me to call you a cab?” He asked, still ashamed of himself.

“I drove, but you could walk me to my car?” She buttoned up her coat.

Ville nodded, walking alongside her.

“It’s happened to me before.” Ella smiled, breaking the awkward silence. “I was set up on a blind date far too early, I wasn’t ready for it.” She chuckled, stopping in front of a small snow covered car, “I think you lasted longer than me though, I left halfway through, couldn’t stand another minute of sitting across from the wrong person. What I’m trying to say is, I understand, so no hard feelings. You do move on though, so there’s hope.” She leaned up, giving Ville a lingering peck on the cheek before going around and slipping into her car.

He stood back, against the glass wall of a storefront, watching as she pulled out and drove off.

I could have loved her, he thought, pulling out a pack of Marlboro from his coat pocket, slowly sliding one out and sticking it between his lips, flicking on the lighter, protecting its flame from the icy breeze and inhaling deeply. She was smart, beautiful, good taste in music, only a few years younger than me, mature. I didn’t even fucking try.

His hand balled into a fist. Of course, of course today of all the days, of all the weeks, I hear she’s here, in Hel. He looked around the street, somewhere, she’s somewhere here. And if I saw her? If she came to me? What would I do? Smile, ask her how she is, how she’s been, hope her all the best, and say goodbye. And… and ask her, if in the end, little red ever made it to her grandmother’s house.

***

The night had gone exactly as Liv had imagined. After quite a few more rounds of drinks, a group of Jyrki’s friends had joined them at Bakkari. They were a friendly bunch, except for the one that had kept trying to flirt with Liv. Novak almost got into a fight with one of them at which point Bam decided to head out into the city, leaving Bakkari, promising to Jyrki and Jussi he’d make sure to see them again before he left after Ville’s birthday. They spent the rest of the night bar hopping, following Novaks mission to find the best and cheapest bear in Helsinki. Bam and Mige drunkenly caught up while Nikki rehashed every detail of her wedding for Liv.

Eventually 3am rolled around and Liv decided to call it a night since they were only a couple of blocks away from her hotel room. She hadn’t had too much to drink, but could still feel the effects of multiple rounds of shots from earlier in the night.

“I’ll walk you” Mige smiled, already putting on his coat.

Novak rolled his eyes, taking a sip of his beer, “you guys don’t fuckin know how to party”

“Ah we’ll see em again” Bam shrugged, wrapping his arms tighter around Nikki. He looked up at Liv who had stood, putting her purse over her shoulder, “I’ll see you again right? You’re not getting on that plane tomorrow right?”

Liv bit her lip, that had been the plan, head over to the airport in the morning, grab the first flight out of Helsinki to London, Siiri was even gonna give her a lift. “Maybe.” She finally said after a pause. “So let me give you a proper goodbye in case I do leave tomorrow.” She bent down, giving Nikki a hug, happy to have had a chick to hang out with during the night, since most of the evening had been guy shenanigans. She patted a falling asleep Novak on the back, adjusting the fedora on his head.

Yawning from tiredness she turned to Bam, who had disappointment written all over his features. She grabbed him in a hug, but he held her, bringing his lips to her ear, he whispered, “Don’t be a fucking coward.” He said sincerely, letting her go and bringing the brown beer bottle to his lips.

Liv stood, unsure what to say. Where was this coming from? What does he mean? She half turned to leave, but turned back to Bam. Don’t kid yourself Liv, she told herself, you know exactly what he means. She left it alone, smiling and waving goodbye to Bam, Nikki, and Novak as she left with Mige.

It wasn’t as cold outside as it had been when the night had begun, though, that was probably due to the alcohol still in Liv’s system. She was still confused about what Bam had said as she looked around, trying to find the direction her hotel was.

Mige laughed, “I think It should be just that way,” He pointed up the street, leading the way as he began to walk.

Liv followed in silence. How the hell am I being a coward? I have a job, I can’t just stay here forever, I have responsibilities, money to make, I, I’m not being a fuckin coward. What does he know anyways?

“What’s with you?” Mige asked, hands in his jacket pockets he nudged Liv with his elbow, snapping her out of her thoughts. He had sensed the change in her mood.

“Something Bam said” Liv shrugged, pulling out a cigarette and lighter from her purse, enjoying the sound of the faint sizzle as she lit the end, inhaling.

“And that would be?”

“He told me not to be a coward” Liv mumbled, avoiding eye contact with Mige, focusing on the dancing smoke in the air.

“He’s got a point” Mige said, the lightheartedness gone from his voice.

Liv let out an exhale of smoke, “What?”

“Liv” Mige sighed with disappointment, “You’re a big girl, don’t play dumb cause you’re not. You’re smart, you’re so incredibly smart. Twenty two and already a thriving photographer, I mean holy shit. But don’t act like you don’t know a thing or two about people alright. You can’t use being young as an excuse, you know better.”

“Mige, I don’t want to talk about this right now.” Liv snapped in frustration. This isn’t, I can’t. No. I’m not having this conversation.

Mige stopped, grabbing Liv by the arm gently, forcing her to look at him, “You have no idea what you did to him do you?”

Liv bit her lip, wrenching free, “Mige stop it” She began to walk ahead of him, but turned back, “I know alright? I know.” She said with defeat, the tears welling in her eyes. I hurt him, I, killed, I, I killed our…

“No Liv, I don’t think you know” Mige said, catching up with her. “You should have seen him this morning”

“Stop!” She pleaded walking away from Mige, stumbling slightly on the snowy sidewalk as she tried to get away from him as he still spoke.

He followed, determined to have his say, “You should have seen the expression on his face when Dani told us you were in town.”

She could see her hotel just up ahead. “Mige I don’t, I don’t want to get into a fight, after, after not seeing you for so long.”

“And whose fault is that? Look, I know it’s none of my business, trust me, I’ve been scolded for this before, but you owe it to him Liv, just, just something, anything.” He looked at her with earnest as they stood outside her hotel.

Liv opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. She nodded. I know, she yelled internally, I fucking know, I know I’ve been a coward, I know I’ve been fucking running, avoiding Him, the thought of Him.

I know…

But I’m so scared.

She took Mige in a hug, resting her cheek on his chest for a moment before reaching up and giving him a kiss on the cheek and turning to go into her hotel without giving him another word.

***

[November 16, 2014]

“You fuckin prick” Jesse grumbled on the other line.

“I’m sorry cupid.” Ville laughed, rolling his eyes as he adjusted the strap of his backpack, leaning against the brick wall behind the rehearsal studio, smoking. “I fucked it up, I admit it, I apologize, but thank you for trying to play matchmaker nonetheless.”

“I’m sorry too” Jesse sighed. “Anyways, that’s not why I called, I wanna remind you to keep your birthday free, and that yes, you will be taken out, and no, you may not stay in all day.”

“yeah yeah yeah.” He pulled out another Marlboro from the pack, lighting it.

“Miserable old bastard.” Jesse teased before hanging up.

Ville burst out into laughter as he put his phone away.

“You look crazy you know? Standing out here laughing to yourself.” Mige smirked, taking a sip of his cup of coffee, joining Ville against the wall.

“I am, I’m absolutely mad” Ville grinned, taking a drag.

“As a hatter?” Mige laughed. “So how was your date?”

“It went as expected” Ville shrugged.

Mige laughed “So straight to shit?”

Ville looked up as he felt a snowflake fall onto his cheek. “something like that.” He adjusted the black beanie on his head before turning to Mige. “How was your night with Jyrki and Jussi?”

He deliberated for a second, scratching his beard with his free hand, “It was fun. Ran into a few old friends”

“Anyone I know?” Ville could feel the snow begin to fall harder around him.

Mige gave Ville a sideways glance, watching his reaction. “Liv was there.”

“Oh” He didn’t know what to think. I, I don’t need to think anything, he finally decided internally after a pause. An old friend? Acquaintance? Lover? had drinks with a friend of mine, what of it. “I hope you all had a good time.” Calm, I’m calm. And that’s how it’s supposed to be right? And if I hadn’t gone on the blind date? Then nothing. I would have just stayed at home anyways. Would not have seen her. I stopped trying a long time ago.

“We did” Mige smiled fondly, remembering some of the things they had gotten up to.

“And she’s…?” His voice trailed off, snatched away by the falling snow.

“Happy, in good health, likely on the plane already.” Mige shrugged.

“Good” Ville said curtly, letting his cigarette fall from between his fingers, putting it out with his boot a little too forcefully. “I’m happy she’s happy.” That’s all I needed to know. If I had seen her, I wouldn’t have, I would’ve just, just asked how she was, and only that. And if she had stayed? Then nothing. Nothing. There’s nothing.

Nothing.

“Come on” He smiled at Mige, “the day is young and we’ve got some songs for you to rip a new one”

***

The cigarette, a Marlboro, felt comforting between her fingers as she drifted along the sidewalk. Night had fallen over the city, twinkling streetlights, store signs. People going to and fro on the sidewalk, passing her slow pace.

Siiri had called that morning, asking if Liv still needed a ride, but she’d turned her down. She didn’t know why though, she should have taken the next flight out of Helsinki, should have just gone. There’s a lot of things I should have done, Liv thought, a lot of things I should do. But she hadn’t left, she hadn’t told anyone she was staying either, she hadn’t felt like seeing anyone. After getting off with Siiri, she had gone back to sleep, body aching, mind throbbing, and it wasn’t the night before, it wasn’t the drinks, it was the work, or so she had told herself, the endless stream of work for months, John had been right, she had needed time off. She’d slept most of the day, waking up around seven.

The room had begun to suffocate her after she’d awoken to the hazy glow coming through her curtains. You know the one, the odd lightness in the midst of night that lets you know a fresh blanket of snow awaits outside.

She’d thrown on an old white tee shirt with Edgar Allan Poe’s face printed across the front, faded black skinny jeans, red sweater, and black boots.

[Song Recommendation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-GwX5x1cio ]

Her boots treaded softly as she walked, ignoring the violent gusts of icy winds whipping her hair around, small white flakes melting on her flushed cheeks.

She couldn’t get Mige’s words out of her head. He had no right, no right to bring it all back up again. It was over. Done. Things are, they’re all wrapped up right? What’s left to be said?

She bit down on her bottom lip between drags as she hugged herself with the other hand. Should’ve brought my jacket.

She couldn’t stand the sight of people any longer, crossing the street as she spotted Kaisaniemi park. It was dark, but in a way, glowing, glowing with the dancing snowflakes, with the whiteness of the ground, of the branches, the air. Her boots crunched on the soft fresh snow beneath her feet as she strolled through the park.

So why did I stay?

She bit her lip deliberating, the flurry of flakes swirling around her.

She couldn’t, wouldn’t let herself, think of an answer.

Ignoring her thoughts she walked, in the halo of street lights, closing her eyes, forgetting the cold, forgetting her thoughts, forgetting what Bam had said, what Mige had said, forgetting the small bit of nervousness that had been eating her up ever since she had arrived, she just, forgot it all and breathed. The cold air washing it all away as her lungs filled. The melting snow on her cheeks washing away the past.

She extended her arms as she continued through the almost deserted park, palms up, she raised her chin to the sky.

Everything is right. I’m here, in a beautiful city, a city I adore, doing a job I love. Friends and family are happy, healthy, fine.

If you could see me now mom, Liv thought, lashes moistening with the tears held back by her closed lids, you would be proud. Your shy little girl became a woman, she made a name for herself, she’s happy…

Happy.

Liv sighed. It’s fine, you’re fine. She repeated.

She shut her lids tighter, feeling a tear trail down her cheek before she opened her eyes.

How can one city make me feel, make me feel so content, but so confused at the same time? Bringing back everything to the surface. And no, no I didn’t hide them away, she told herself, I dealt with them already, I dealt with all of this already, so why, why is the past stilling fucking me up?

Because you haven’t dealt with Him.

She had made a full circuit and had ended up back where she had entered the park.

I’m going fucking crazy, she thought, definitely need to leave tomorrow, regain some sanity before this city and the memories it holds consume me.

She walked back to the street, joining the throng of people coming and going on the sidewalk. Liv recognized the street she was back on, there’s a coffee shop somewhere around here.

she spotted it up ahead, the small café she’d been searching for.

Quickly throwing open the door, tinkling bells, snowflakes floating in, Liv ducked into the warm café, hair already beginning to drip with melting snow, she could feel her cheeks reddening further from the heat of the small place. It wasn’t much different than any other café, a few small round tables and grouped together couches, all of them filled.

She stepped into the short line ahead, pushing back the hair from her face, tucking it strategically over the scar on her temple and pulling out bills of cash she’d stuffed in her jean pocket.

A low chatter reverberated off the dull browns of the café walls as Liv closed her eyes, taking a breath.

“Hei, mitä saisi olla?” (Hi, what can I get you?) Rang the young baristas voice.

Liv’s eyes snapped open, somehow she’d ended up at the head of the line. The young barista, short blonde hair in a ponytail, tan apron on, waited patiently for Liv’s answer.

“Suuri kahvi mennä kiitos. Musta, yksi sokeri.” (A large coffee to go please. Black, one sugar.) She smiled.

She heard the café door send the sound of the bell ringing but paid no notice. Handing over what she thought was the right change, she looked up to see the cashier blushing profusely, looking over Liv’s shoulder. “Ja mitä haluaisit?” (and what would you like?) the barista beamed.

Liv shuffled over to the end of the counter where her coffee would be waiting, trying to stuff back the rest of her money when she heard them, the person that had come in behind her, their deep voice sending a shiver down her spine as they replied, “Black.”

Liv froze.