Heartaches Knocking on Her Door

Her whole body went into shock. She couldn’t move, she couldn’t think, she couldn’t breathe. His voice sent a thousand memories coursing through her, fire in her veins. The curious stranger in the hospital room. His smiling beaming expression as He told her He loved her. The utter disdain in His eyes as He looked from her to Tyler in that bar in Brooklyn. The anguish in His voice as He yelled her name, the sound reverberating off the hospital halls. Liv began to shake.

I’m not ready.

I’m not ready for this.
Liv blindly grasped for her coffee so she could try to get the hell out of the café unnoticed before her emotions got the better of her. Before her panic attack hit, full on, numbness enveloping her, the tears slipping out, the gasping for breath.

Ignoring the drink she turned, keeping her eyes to the ground, and tried to make it to the door.

She had her hand on the handle when she was stopped again, dead in her tracks by his voice, deep, accented, unmistakable.

“Anteeksi, jätit kahvia.” (excuse me, you left your coffee)

So what’s it going to be Liv? Are you going to keep going? Pull open that door and walk out? Keep running? Or are you going to turn and face him? Something? Anything?

She braced herself, the tips of her fingers shaking, her heart racing a mile a minute, butterflies violently churning her stomach, Liv took a deep breath and turned around.

The wind was knocked out of her, heart stopped as her eyes locked with His.

Over a year, it’s been over a year and yet He looks the same, the same but different. Though the emerald pools of His eyes shone just as she remembered, there were deep lines surrounding them, sleepless nights, many sleepless nights. He looked a little thinner. He had facial hair on his upper lip and chin, ragged, scraggly. His hair was longer than she’d ever seen it, dark brown curls falling past His shoulders as they cascaded out of a black beanie. Black jeans, black boots, black sweater under a black sports coat.

His gaze changed from the friendly mask one puts on when speaking to strangers, lazy mechanical smile, welcoming eyes, but she saw, as soon as the spark of recognition came through it ignited a blaze. His brows furrowed, eyes clouded over with anger, shoulders tensed, fingers clenched.

And there it is, Liv thought, the ache in her heart growing. There is the hate, the loathing, exactly what I didn’t want to see, what I can’t bare to see.

She turned her eyes away, unable to look Him anymore.

“Liv” Ville whispered hoarsely.

Liv blinked back a tear. Her name on His lips, it sounded raw, unused, broken.

Panic began to set in as her mind was bombarded by the hundreds of times He’d said her name, how it had danced off His tongue in an array of emotions. Never before had it sounded so lifeless.

She looked back at him, trying to reign in her emotions, her reaction, a reaction she hadn’t known she would have. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, if we saw each other, just, just a smile, a smile and a how have you been? Good. See you around. That’s all it was supposed to be…

Who are you kidding Liv?

Liv bit down on her lip. She knew she couldn’t run, not now. She’d been running for over a year. She’d been running that night, rain violently hitting the windshield muffled by the sound of sobs, the screech of tires, contortion of metal.

His eyes grew darker as the silence between them grew. She could see His lips quivering, ready to spurt out what she was sure He had been holding back all this time. What she didn’t want to hear. She flinched.

Her eyes left his face, darting to the on looking café patrons, their eyes intent on the interaction.

She wasn’t sure what she was doing, how she had the nerve, but slowly she raised her free hand and gently placed her fingertips on His shaking lips. His eyes closed, face muscles tensed, as their skin made contact. She looked up at him with pleading, he can yell at me, he can spit out all the anger and hurt, just not, “not here please” She whispered, retracting her hand instantly. His skin against hers, it stung, he was fire, passionate and consuming, she couldn’t get burned again.

His eyes sprang open, He looked away silently. He was still. Quiet. Deliberating.

Then He snapped out of it, green eyes focusing on hers for a moment before He grabbed his cup of coffee from the counter forcefully. “I’ll call a cab” He grumbled, reaching into his pocket for his phone.

He quickly dialed the number, speaking rapidly in Finnish, His eyes never leaving her for a second.

So what’s going to happen now?

She could see people still watching them, the café suddenly suffocating her. The walls closing in. There wasn’t enough air. Without waiting for Him she grabbed her coffee and turned hurriedly, leaving the café to the sound of tinkling bells. A stabbing, snow filled breeze welcomed her as she stepped out of the café, desperately clinging to her coffee cup for warmth and some semblance that it was all real. That he was really here. After so long. That’s all she had wanted, just see him, just know he was okay, but this? Not this, she wasn’t ready, not for this conversation, to face what had happened. She leaned her head back against the wall of the café, lungs desperately filling with icy air. He joined her outside. The soft glow of the streetlight illuminating His features.

The anger had dissipated, if only for a moment. He was expressionless, utterly expressionless as He silently joined her against the wall. She could see from the corner of her eye as He stared off at the street, stealing glances at her as she evened her breathing.

The wind picked up, the once soft dancing flakes now icy pin pricks as they whipped up against Liv’s cheek, the wind tangling her hair around her face as her eyes tried to stay focused on the passing cars, her mind trying not to think of what was coming, of what he was going to say, of the memories that were going to be dug up.

He pulled a pack of Marlboros from his pocket, sliding a cigarette out. It snapped in half between His fingers, falling to the ground. He grabbed another, forcefully sticking it between his lips, then offered the pack to Liv. She still couldn’t look right at Him as she took one out. With a spark He lit His own, before offering Liv the lighter.

She accepted it with a quiet, “thank you” cupping the flame as she inhaled. Placing the lighter gingerly in His awaiting hand.

So this is what’s become of us then? Unable to look at each other. Unable to talk to each other.

She just couldn’t bring herself to begin to apologize to Him, a coward to the end.

And Him? She knew, she knew why He kept silent, why His lips were pressed shut between drags of His cigarette, He was holding it in, the floodgates of anger they couldn’t be opened, not here, not in public where His yelling would cause a scene.

She was still in shock. She couldn’t process what had happened. The anger in His face, the ways His lips, soft, felt beneath her finger tips, this deafening silence now. Where were they going? What was going to happen now? Whatever it was, it wasn’t going to be some light hearted chat, two friends catching up. No. It wasn’t going to be that.

She turned, looking down the street she had come. I could turn, I could turn and just walk away? Just leave?

No.

I can’t, I have to stay, face Him, this, everything.

She began to hyperventilate, the silence between them a growing void, a void she felt she would fall into at any moment.

A snow covered cab pulled up just then. Ville tossed the remnants of His cigarette into the snow and pulled the back door open, waiting.

She wanted to cry. She wanted to protest. She wanted to grab Him and kiss Him and tell Him she’s sorry. Sorry for everything. She wanted to leave.

She was afraid.

Once I get in that car, there’s truly no going back. I have to though. If there is any way possible to gain some sort of atonement for what I did than this is the way.

She let the cigarette slip from her fingers, fizzling away in the snow. Keeping her head down she got into the cab, flinching as Ville practically slammed it shut, going around the cab to the other side.

The address He told the cab driver was a familiar one. Not what she had expected. It made things worse. The possibilities.

The drive was spent in silence as Liv kept her cheek pressed against the frozen window of the cab. Eyes focused on the streaking lights of the city, of the snow, as she tried to build up the courage to hear what He was going to say.

She couldn’t bare to look at Him in the cab, but she could feel Him, the anger radiating from Him, it was heat in the air.

After what felt an eternity the cab pulled up to the side of the street. Ville practically leapt out, handing the driver cash, He could feel it too in that cramped space.

Liv took her time, slowly unbuckling her seatbelt, opening the door, feeling the crunch of unshoveled snow below her feet as she closed the door. She watched longingly for a moment as she cab drove off into the night. You’re stalling, she told herself as she walked down the walkway leading to his tower.

Her breath caught in her throat. It looked like a dream, towering over her, the lush green of the encircling vines suffocated by the delicate white of snow.

The front door hung open, a dull glow from inside the tower shining out, beckoning to her.

Liv sucked in a deep breath before walking in, taking off her boots one foot at a time, pulling off her sweater, carefully hanging it up, then closing the door behind her. The light was coming from the kitchen, sucking in a breath, she went to find Him.

Liv found Him in the kitchen. His back towards her, hands on the kitchen counter, she could see Him heaving with anger. She wanted to go to Him, wrap her arms around Him, promise Him she would never come back, ever. Her feet wouldn’t move however. Her breath stuck in her throat as she tried to call out to Him. What are you doing Liv, face Him, you have to, you owe it to Him.

To Him.

[Song Recommendation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wStG1xBSIHs

And finally, after all this time she let herself think his name, say his name, Ville.

“Ville” the whisper just managing to break through her lips.

He abruptly turned around, his name on her lips a trigger. His face was flushed red with anger, chest still heaving. “You’re going to let me talk alright. You’re going to hear what I have to say, you’re going to stay and listen, you’re not going to leave, you’re not going to lock yourself in a washroom, you’re going to hear what I have to say, for once Liv.” He spat the words out.

She couldn’t move, couldn’t react, it was happening, you can only run from something, someone for so long before it catches up with you.

“Where the fuck am I supposed start Liv?” His fists clenched and unclenched as Liv watched the torment of his thoughts fight to get out at once. And then he said something, something she hadn’t expected. “I’m sorry.”

She stood stunned at the other end of the kitchen, snow melting in her hair, fingers numbing from the warmth of his home.

He ran a hand violently through his hair. “I’m sorry!” He yelled. “Alright? I admit it, I was ashamed of us, I was ashamed of the age difference. You were right! I’m sorry I let that get in the way of how I felt. I’m sorry I let it poison the way I felt about you, making me insecure. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you, when your father was ill. I’m sorry I fuckin let jealousy take hold of me.” He was shaking as he stepped away from the counter towards Liv. “I, I’m sorry,” his voice cracked, “I’m sorry I used your fears and insecurities against you, to hurt you, I’m sorry I said what I said that night, I’m sorry I let you believe that me and Sandra had, I, I’m so sorry, but, but fuck Liv! How could you?” He came closer to Liv, brows furrowing. “How fuckin could you Liv!”

She couldn’t help it, the tears began to silently stream down her cheeks as she held a hand to her mouth. “Look, Ville, I”

“No Liv. I don’t want fuckin excuses!”

She had imagined this fight many times, but never quite like this. His anger stung her much more than she thought it would. Liv could feel herself recoiling from him, her foot taking an unsteady step back.

“I loved you! I loved you and I know we had a fight, and I know I said horrible horrible things but how could you just, just give up on us like that? How could you keep me away in that hospital? We lost a fuckin child and you just-“

“Don’t you think I know that!” She yelled. “Don’t you think I think about that every day! Don’t you think I blame myself enough, that the guilt hasn’t fucked me up enough!” She looked away from him, she didn’t want him to see her crumble. The weight of the world felt as if it was pressing down upon her with memories of the past, memories she had buried long ago.

He angrily stormed towards her until he was inches away, “Don’t you think I wanted to be there for you!” He shouted, his voice booming throughout the tower. She recoiled from his words as he continued, “Don’t you understand what you did to me, how much it shattered my heart knowing you that you were sitting broken in that hospital room, that you were dealing with what had happened alone. I wanted to be there for you! I tried! And then only to hear that you had tried, tried to… I need an explanation Liv! I need some fuckin closure cause I don’t fuckin understand what happened to us!”

“It was over! It was over the minute that crash happened!” She looked back at him, tears stinging her eyes, she tried blinking them away furiously. “I know exactly how you felt the moment you found out about what I had done, I know how you feel now. I know, I know I should have heard you out sooner, I know…” She began to shake as her breath quickened, “But I was afraid! I was, am, a coward! I didn’t want to hear it! I didn’t want to hear that the man I loved, the man who turned my life around, the man who made the nightmares go away say that he didn’t love me anymore, that he hated me for what I had done! I couldn’t bare even the thought of you angrily blaming me, I felt it enough, I still feel it. I couldn’t, I, I just” her silent tears broke out into sobs, “I just couldn’t hear it, that you didn’t love me anymore, I just couldn’t, I, I’m sorry” Her voice trailed off in a whisper as her sobs suffocated her words.

She closed her eyes, bracing herself for him to say it, confirm her fears, yell at her for what had happened, finally get it out that it was true, he didn’t love her for what had happened, that he would never forgive her.

Suddenly she felt his hot breath, forever smelling of cigarette smoke, against her cheek. She felt his large, warm, ringed hands gently take hold of the side of her arms, as if she was the most fragile creature in the world. She began crying harder as she kept her eyes tightly shut. It had been over a year since he’d last touched her, held her. It was only fleeting though, sympathy for her tears, it wouldn’t last, the resentment he feels after all this time, Liv thought, this isn’t going to last.

“Liv” He whispered hoarsely.

She didn’t want to hear it, they had said enough, wasn’t it good enough? Did he really had to drive the stake in? She twisted in his arms, trying to turn away from him, but his grip was unyielding.

“Liv. Liv look at me” He said firmly.

She began to panic, her tears unwilling to stop, breathing erratic as she felt an eminent panic attack. I shouldn’t have come, to this city, to his house. I shouldn’t have had had all those sleeping pills that night, I shouldn’t have been in that hospital room, I shouldn’t have met him.

Her eyes flashed open.

He was crying.

His long lashes were wet with tears, tears which silently streaked down his face.

He wasn’t angry, he wasn’t going to yell.

He was upset, he was upset and he was crying.

Liv looked up at him confused, she didn’t understand what had happened. She’d seen him upset, but never like this.

“Liv, don’t you ever listen? Didn’t you believe me? Didn’t you believe me when I had told you I loved you? When I had told you that it didn’t matter if we were in some fuckin fight, I told you, I told you to never doubt the way I feel about you. I fucking told you I’d always love you, I’d always be there for you as long as you wanted me there.” He had to pause as a sob broke out. “I, I would have fought harder, I would have, but I, I thought I had done something” Ville’s voice trailed off as he gently wound his arms around her, holding her to him.

Liv’s oncoming panic attack faded as she let her cheek rest against his chest, holding him back. No, no no no, he was supposed to be angry, he was supposed to hate me, I was protecting myself I, I, I was wrong…

His hand wound between them, lifting her chin up so she could look at him “Liv, kultaseni, you’re the reason I can’t sleep at night, you’re the reason I bite my lips, the reason I can’t look at another woman the same, the reason my music has taken flight, you’re the reason my minds a fuckin mess. Darling, after all these months, I love you. I was never angry at you for what had happened, it was an accident, a terrible accident. I was angry at myself, blamed myself for being a jealous fool, for yelling at you that night, forcing you to run away from my poisonous words, if anyone, if anyone is to blame it’s me. Liv how could you have ever doubted the way I feel, I loved you then, and I, I love you now.”

Before Liv could think, before she could utter a word he brought his lips to hers. He kissed her like he needed her, like he needed air, food, sleep and after almost fourteen months Liv finally felt whole. For that brief moment when his soft lips urgently crushes against hers she felt complete bliss, she allowed herself to live in the fantasy that it was all better now. But it wasn’t.

She pushed him away, wiping away the wetness from her cheeks. “I can’t” she whispered.

He didn’t listen, pulling her back instantly, locking his lips with her.

She pushed him back more forcefully. “I can’t Ville!” The tears returned. This wasn’t how things were supposed to happen. None of it. Not the apologies, not the declaration of love, it’s, it’s all wrong, Liv thought.

His body wouldn’t allow any space to be between them and he soon had his chest against hers, worry and rejection in his tear soaked eyes. “What are you scared of?”

She knew, knew what lay hidden behind those words, why his lip quivered, why he seemed just as breakable in that moment, he was afraid. He didn’t need to be. She had tried, but she had never stopped loving him, she never would. “I’m scared of loving you”

She could see the emeralds of his eyes light up. “So you do… still love me?”

Liv nodded weakly.

And suddenly he had her up against the wall, holding the sides of her face lightly, but kissing her with the full force of his relief.

This is wrong, I, I can’t go back to this, to us, we shouldn’t, things are smoothed over but that doesn’t mean…

Liv couldn’t decide what she wanted. On the one hand she wanted to leave, she wanted to leave with the satisfaction that all had been said, it was done, there was closure. On the other handed she wanted, she wanted him. After months of missing him, of thinking the worse about what he felt towards her, knowing he loved her, wanted her, she could feel herself melting in his arms.

[Song Recommendation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXmlJQN5Pm8

She kissed him back.

She let her lips open for his tongue, let his chest push her harder against the wall, let his fingers wind themselves through her hair. Before she could stop herself she was stripping off his sports coat, sweater, tee shirt. She missed it, his teeth biting down upon her bottom lip, his hot breath against hers, the way he smelled of cigarettes and sweat. He quickly pulled off her tee shirt letting his hands run over her breasts, kissing a trail down her neck, nipping at the lace of her bra.

Her breath was hot and uneven as he pressed her harder against the wall, the tension in his body growing, the yearning for each other unbearable.

Liv wrapped her arms around his neck and in one swift motion Ville had lifted her, carrying her up the stairs as her legs stayed locked around his waist. She kissed his cheek, his neck, collar bone, shoulders, as he climbed the stairs, she had missed every single part of him.

He quickly flicked on the lights to his messy room and lowered her down onto the black sheets of his bed. Liv hurriedly undid the buckle on his jeans, pulling them down along with his boxer briefs and kicked off her own pants.

Ville crouched before her on the ground, tangling his fingers in her long black hair and holding her to him as he buried his face into her neck, taking the scent of her in, nipping gently at her neck as he unhooked her bra with his free hand, pulling away to slowly slip it off of Liv, goosebumps running up her arms as he let it drop to the floor.

She fell back onto the bed, biting her lip as she could see the hunger in Ville’s eyes, his hair a tangled halo around his red cheeks, hanging down to the tops of his pecks. Liv bit down harder as she took in the slight outline of his abs.

He brought his knees up on the bed, bringing a hand under Liv and shifting her to the center of the bed. Smirking over her as his fingers gently traced the tattoo on her ribs, next to her breast, a black silhouette of a rose, the very same rose on the cover of Depeche Mode’s Violator album. He brought his lips to hers, a smile on them, she knew he was thinking of their favorite song from that album, Enjoy the Silence.

Liv’s hands urgently trailed along his back and he kissed her more forcefully, hungrily.

She closed her eyes feeling the warmth of his lips, feeling his hand massage over her panties. She gripped onto his pillows as she felt his tongue on her nipple, encircling it, then he moved onto the other.

His lips returned to hers as she gripped tightly onto him, their chests closely pressed as he brought his fingers down between her legs.

Her eyes shut as he kissed down her neck, along her collar bone, she could feel him reach over with a free hand, hear him opening his bedside table, the tearing of wrapper, and maneuvering above her as he put on the condom.

She was shaking with anticipation by the time he slipped off her panties, hovering over her.

“I’ve missed you my love” He whispered before thrusting into her.

She let out a short gasp, digging the nails of one hand into his shoulders while she pulled his face to hers with the other, kissing his roughly as he thrust again.

***

His eyes fluttered open to a dark room.

Ville sighed, turning onto his back. Always an hour or two, never more. Never a full nights rest, not with his mind askew, tormented by tearful hazel eyes, an anguished voice over the phone, a photograph.

He looked up at a ceiling of nothingness, grinding his teeth, clenching his fingers with frustration.

Abruptly his heart skipped a beat with remembrance. Urgently he reached out next to him on the bed in a panic.

She wasn’t there.

Suddenly a B flat rang out down the hall, streaming into his bedroom through the crack in his door.

Ville threw aside his blanket, quickly pulling on his boxers, grabbing the blanket, and flying out the door.

It wasn’t a dream then, it wasn’t some sick masochistic dream meant to torment me further, she’s here, she loves me.

She loves me.

He found her across the hall sitting cross legged on the hardwood floor next to his baby grand piano, papers spread out around her. The room completely dark except for a lamb she had plugged in on the floor.

He didn’t believe it, after all this time, in the blink of an eye, she was here.

Months and months of torture, of agonizing heartbreak all because she thought I didn’t love her, because she was afraid to hear me say it, to hear me yell and, and

He sighed with exasperation, how could she have ever thought that? How could she have ever, ever doubted that this weak black heart, beyond all odds, still beats? And only for her, that unearthly, tragically beautiful woman.

He took a step into his small studio creaking the hardwood below.

She turned, black hair swaying with the motion against the back of her tee shirt, the only thing she had on aside from her undies, and looked up at him.

She’d been thinking, it was riddled all over her face, happiness, worry, confusion.

“I uh, I couldn’t sleep. Wondered over here and found these.” She brought the papers together back into the pile he had left them on the piano. “Are they for the new album?”

He wanted nothing more than to grab her, kiss her, tell her how much he missed her, how having her back made him feel whole. I’ve got to tread carefully, the doubt, the doubt written across her features, one wrong word, gesture, she’ll run, she’ll run again.

He knew things weren’t back to normal, how could they be? He knew she was scared.

He slowly took a seat behind her, crossing his legs and pulling her into his lap, wrapping the blanket around them both, wrapping his arms around her, before taking the papers from her. “They are”

He looked through the papers, feeling the tenseness in her body at the intimate way he held her. The papers were photo copies of pieced together ideas he had been designing for the new album cover. Artwork from a friend mingled with bits of familiar designs from previous album covers, all of which were centered around one image. One image which he demanded be on the album cover. A polaroid. A polaroid of him, cigarette in hand, sitting on the steps of a tour bus once upon a time. Realizing he was in love, once upon a time.

An uneasiness erupted in his stomach. Liv knew full well the significance of that picture. The tenseness, the doubt, Ville grew afraid of what she may be thinking. He wish he had the ability to ease her worry, dissipate her apprehension, but even before, long ago, she’d been too guarded to allow him.

[Song Recommendation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REECLsCuM-0

He opened his mouth to speak, but Liv spoke up first, cutting him off. “Tell me about the new album.”

He wanted to see her face, gage her reactions, what if he said something wrong, what if he got carried away and scared her off, what if.

He sighed, putting the papers down, running a hand through his hair before wrapping his arms around her once again and resting his chin on her shoulder.

He paused, trying to find the rights words, what to tell her, he decided on the truth.

“Well darling, it begins much where Tears on Tape left off with an acoustic track. The chords are similar, things are fine, and then Gas cuts in with heavy drums on the next song, confusing the melodies, just, utter confusion. New chords come in and just turn things completely on their head. They’re new, the prospect of them frightening, but I love them nonetheless, I fight it though, with my lyrics.” He held her tighter.

“And then?” She whispered.

“then there’s clarity, and happiness, complete euphoric happiness, the notes are light and soft, but, but fragile. Ethereally delicate these notes grab hold of the songs, they take over my world. But something goes wrong, Linde tears them apart angrily with jealous riffs. Just pure jealousy, jealousy, confusion, then anger. My lyrics are cries for help, a plea as the notes silently bed for aid, I don’t hear them though, the anger, the jealousy. I , I don’t hear them.” His heart was racing, he could feel the stress in Liv’s body, held safely in his arms. He took a deep breath before continuing. “Then the next few songs are filled with anguish, torment, hate, confusion, loathing, pain, complete and utter pain. Those soft notes are gone, utterly and completely gone. My lyrics sing of endless days missing these notes, of nights kept awake, heart aching of guilt and misery.” His voice caught in his throat.

Liv turned gently in his arms, twisting her torso to face him. Ville’s eyes closed with the comfort of her touch as she laid her soft hand upon his cheek. “And then?”

He kept his eyes closed, basking in the moment, it was fleeting, this was all fleeting. “That’s all we’ve got so far, although it’s not finished yet…” His eyes sprang open and he brought his arms up to the side of Liv’s milky cheeks, holding her in place, he needed to see her reaction, he needed an answer, he couldn’t tip toe around it any longer, he had to know. “Liv, how does it end?”

“What?” She pulled away from his touch, staring at him with anxiety.

“How does it end?” Ville repeated sternly.

In a swift motion Liv left the seat of Ville’s lap and stood up, her back to him, goosebumps on her bare legs. “I, I don’t know what you mean.”

“How does it end?” He said sternly, louder than before, standing up and letting the blanket fall to the ground at his feet.

Suddenly Liv turned, “You can’t ask me that!” She looked away, panting with the weight of her words.

Fuck! Ville yelled internally. How! How can I convince her that she can trust me again, trust us, that this time can be different. Yes, yes alright it’s too soon to start diving head first back into this but, but I need her, I can’t just let her slip away this time…

He slowly approached her, laying a hand on her neck, “Liv, I’m sor-“

“I should leave.” She whispered, wrapping her slender arms around herself for warmth.

“Please don’t. Please, just, just stay the night. I’m sorry I pressed the subject. We can drop it tonight, discuss it in the morning. Just, please kultaseni, stay.” It was begging plain and simple. He’d gotten ahead of himself, he knew things were fragile, he knew she could be easily scared off, things weren’t in the clear, but she couldn’t just leave, not when he’d gotten her back after so long, not after he knew he hadn’t fucked up, that she had loved him this whole time, as he did her.

He grabbed the blanket off the floor and wrapped it around her shoulders, waiting for a response.

“Okay” She sounded defeated.

He spun her slowly, gently. Her eyes glistened, threatening tears. He sighed, she’s making this so much harder than it needs to be, than we can bare.

Ville placed a tender kiss on her forehead before Liv let him lead her back to his bedroom.

***

Her eyes had closed, rested, but she hadn’t slept, couldn’t sleep.

As soon as she saw lightness streaking out of the black curtains of his bedroom window she slipped from his arms, it felt horrible, like she was tearing away, away from him, tearing a piece of herself away.

It’s always gonna feel like this isn’t it? Leaving him, if only for a moment.

She found her phone on the ground, using its glow to find her clothing. Bundling up her belongings in her arms Liv crept out of the room, sparing Ville a glance. He slept, curled hair a halo on his pillow, body in a position meant to be hugging hers, arm wrapped around nothing, legs tangled in his black blanket, soft breathing coming from his lips. He slept as if he hadn’t in ages.

She shut his door gently and changed out in the hall, not wanting to disturb the peace of his sleep.

Clothes on Liv took a seat at the top of the stairs.

So what now?

What am I supposed to do?

I fucked up, I fucked up hard, I let my insecurities rule my life, I let them cloud my judgement.

All this time. All this time he loved me, he was upset, hurting, and I was just a fucking coward.

So what now?

Do I stay? Do we try this again? He wants an answer, he wants me to tell him how it ends.

She stood, sighing, her head beginning to hurt. I can’t decide…

I don’t know how it’s supposed to end.

She stood and made her way down the spiraling stairs, the walls seeming uneasily barren.

She flicked on the lights in his still dark kitchen, looking for a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, finding them instantly tucked away in a drawer. It was strange, being back here, it made her feel complete, but unnerved at the same time.

She grabbed a cigarette, unable to stand the peacefulness of his quaint kitchen any longer, and pulled on her shoes and sweater. Liv pulled back the sliding doors to the back of the tower. The sky barely aglow with the dull gleam of dawns rays peeking through an overcast sky. She checked her phone, 6:50am

It had stopped snowing, a fresh blanket covering his wild and overgrown backyard. Liv debated siting in the wrought iron shell situated in the center of the yard, but decided against it, brushing off the snow on a withered patio chair instead and taking a seat. There was a soft rustle in the snow covered trees as Liv lit the Marlboro, taking a drag eagerly, the chill of the morning wearing off as the cigarette warmed her from within.

I could stay, I could stay here until I have to meet John in London. We could work at this. I need him. I’ve missed him. I love him.

But

But

She took a deep breath to calm herself and stretched out her foot, accidentally kicking a snow covered mound, the tinkling of glass sounding off as the mound toppled over.

Shit, Liv muttered, kneeling down to find out what she had broken. Tucking her hand in her sleeve she brushed away the snow, heart stopping as she uncovered what lay beneath.

It was a familiar image tucked beneath snow and shards of glass, the remnants of a broken frame.

It was one of her photographs, a print.

She carefully brushed away more of the snow to unveil a whole stack of framed prints, the glass shattered on every one, droplets of blood staining the prints, crusted on the edges of the glass.

She stood up, stepping away from the pile.

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What had he done?

She was shaking, and it wasn’t the cold.

What had he done? Some fit of anger? At me? I didn’t notice any cuts, but, but that doesn’t mean they weren’t there. Scars now.

Scars.

I know how he felt…

Her eyes began to tear up as she looked down at her palm where she had cut it that night, so many nights ago. It wasn’t the only scar. I’m fucking littered with scars, face, hand, arms, abdomen, my heart, is it really such a good idea opening them up again? Exposing them to more hurt?

I love him, I love him so so much.

But I don’t know if I can take it if it didn’t work out. I’m on the verge of cracking as is, if something happened to us again I’d shatter completely.

Losing a father, losing a mother, the stress of a new life and career, my mind was fucked up. I was damaged goods, how could I have ever thought that being in a relationship was a good idea? You have to be strong, you have to love yourself, you have to be independent. I wasn’t, I wasn’t any of that, I wasn’t ready, I wasn’t ready to accept the responsibility of someone else’s love, to be put on the razors edge knowing that this person could so easily break my heart. I wasn’t ready for us.

I love him, I love him more than words can express, than my lips could profess, but I’m not ready, I’m not strong enough for this again.

And with that her mind was made up.

I’m doing this for us, so we can start over without each other. We’ve had the closure, we’ve had a last good bye, we’re on good terms, and now it’s time to start over.

She put out her cigarette and silently went back into the tower, calling a cab to pick her up.

I’m so sorry, she pleaded internally as she looked up the spiraling stairs where he slept at the top, peacefully resting, calm, happy.

It’s the right thing to do…

She made sure she had everything before she quietly opened his front door, giving the stairs a last glance before leaving.

She took a seat in the snow on the curb, her stomach churning.

We would have just gone back to that old toxic routine, something would have happened, some other heartbreak and it would have fucked us both up. If he didn’t hate me before, he’s going to hate me now, but it’s the right thing to do, we need to move on, we need to heal, I’m doing this cause I love him, and I want him to be happy, and I can’t make him happy any other way, things would go back to the way they were, toxic, if I stayed.

I can’t stay

She hadn’t realized she’d been crying until the cab pulled up to the curb ten minutes later, the driver giving her an odd look as she told him the address of her hotel, taking a seat in the warm backseat.

She flinched as it drove off, as the distance between them grew.

This is how it ends.