Heartaches Knocking on Her Door

[March 5th, 2017]

Liv clicked through the photographs with a beaming smile on her lips. They're absolutely perfect. Each shot whether it was with the guys in a group or individually seemed to show off each and every personality just the way Liv wanted. The glowing snowy scenery was the perfect wild, Finnish, backdrop for the snarling expressions and ebony attire. With multiple angles and locations and outfits, everyone was quick to fall in line behind Livs strict structure. The shoot had taken up most of the day, with Liv slipping in as many questions with the guys as possible during the process, asking about their personal favorites from the bands discography, asking about new music they were listening to, favorite accomplishments as a band, whether they would get back together, their feelings on the final tour, and every other possible question any fan would want to know. She could have gone longer but the sky was quick to darken and everyone had grown tired of being outside, so as soon as they'd finished they had a quick dinner of leftovers and decided to head over to a local bar for some drinks, both to commemorate the end of Liv's time with them, and the release of their public announcement of the bands break up.

"Hurry up! You haven't even changed yet!" Sirii laughed, nudging Liv from where she lay on the bed.

She looked down at herself. She'd been in the process of changing, but only made it to a bra and underwear before she'd gotten too excited about the shoot and got lost in her unedited shots. She put the camera away reluctantly and slumped off the bed, dropping to her knees before her suitcase.

She scrounged around the heap of black fabric and pulled out a pair of black ripped up skinny jeans, a tight black and white striped T shirt, and some black heeled boots.

Finally ready she turned to find Sirii primping her own outfit in the small mirror in their shared bedroom. She’d put on a black fit and flare dress with sheer black tights and a pair of very high, and very gothic looking boots, her spiky hair accented with a small flower hair clip. “Looking nice for Kosmo?” Liv gave a smirk. It had been plainly obvious that the two had had some sort of spark, making witty comments in Finnish back and forth during the photoshoot and generally spending free time with one another.

Sirii swung their door open, holding it for Liv to follow, “pitää suunsa kiinni (shut up)” She winked at Liv before disappearing down the staircase.

Liv quickly gave herself the once over, deciding that her hair was too much of a frizz ball to be down and tied it up in a bun, small pieces of curls sticking out. She grabbed her purse and raced down the stairs, hoping she wasn’t the last to be ready, but had no luck as she spotted everyone waiting by the doorway, jackets already on.

Ville tossed Liv her parka and then the cabin keys as she stepped in to view. "Mennään! Juomat odottavat! (Let's go! Drinks await!)" He yelled, sticking his hand up in the air.

Coat unzipped Liv struggled to quickly pull on her boots, "Miehet ja heidän juomansa. (Men and their drinks.) She muttered loudly, rolling her eyes as she quickly did up her laces, balancing on one foot as she tried to lift the other higher.

A roar of laughter broke out as everyone began packing themselves into the van, the freezing night air slowly seeping in to the warm cabin through the open doorway.

"Look at you! You’re practically Finnish now!" Sirii laughed, waiting patiently for Liv by the van. "We won't be able to talk about you behind your back anymore!"

Liv rolled her eyes with a grin as her already chilled fingers quickly locked up the cabin.

The car ride was spent in anything but silence, with Kosmo blasting unfamiliar Finnish death metal throughout the van, Sirii headbanging from the front passenger seat, Ville, Mige, and Burton all trying to see how low they could sing to match the singers voice, and in the very back Liv and Linde laughed along to the chaos while Linde also tried catching Liv up on the recent accomplishments of his daughter.

The drive itself wasn’t long, and in no time they were pulling up to a quiet parking lot with a small one story bar situated in the far right corner, dirty piles of shoveled snow lining the parking lot. They quickly filed out of the van and in to the bar.

The inside of the bar greeted them with warmth. I was fairley dark within, the walls covered in rustic ornaments like a rusted scythe, and a stuffed moose head. Along the left side of the bar were booths and tables, to the immediate right of the entrance was a dark red bar, booths again running along the right wall but a majority of the right side of the bar taken up by a small stage and cleared out dance floor. The entire place was about half full, with groupings of people huddled together, pitchers amongst them, listening to the young woman sitting on stage strumming a guitar and playing acoustic covers of songs.

Kosmo motioned for them to follow him as he wound his way to a free booth close to the stage.

Liv sat squeezed in to one end, with Kosmo and Sirii beside her, across from her was Mige, Burton, and Ville, with Linde pulling up a chair at the head.

“Should we just share some pitchers?” Mige asked, perusing the drink menu.

Liv shrugged off her parka, “I’m not sure I’ll be drinking, I don’t drink much these days, but you all go ahead.”

She watched a small spark of surprise light up their faces before Ville spoke up, “I mostly have the non-alcoholic variety myself but it’s nice to partake when a celebration is in order.” He gave her a warm smile.
“Alright, just a glass though.” She smirked, taking one of the menus and seeing how much she could understand.

Mige laughed, “More for us then.”

Drinks were ordered, and everyone enjoyed their first glasses while trying to test Liv’s Finnish know-how.

“This is an important one, Onko sinulla kondomia?” Burton laughed, face already red.

The rest of the guys burst out laughing, almost spitting out their drinks.

Liv rolled her eyes, “You guys are so immature. My boyfriend speaks pretty darn good english so I don’t think I’ll need to ask him in Finnish if he’s got a condom any time soon thank you very much.”

“Kosmo,” Sirii said, fixing her flower clip, “want to dance?”

He nodded silently and slid out of the booth, linking arms with her and bringing her to the dancefloor where two other couples were already dancing.

Liv smiled with genuine warmth, happy that the world had brought Sirii and Kosmo together, hoping that despite their distance maybe they could make it work. “You two are adorable!” He called after them.

"Come on! Join us!" Sirii urged as Kosmo spun her around.

Liv shook her head with embarrassment creeping a pink blush across her cheeks. She took a sip of her beer, hoping they'd drop it.

Mige patted Ville on the shoulder, "Ville be a good man and take the girl for a spin." He chugged back the rest of his mug.

Liv looked away, her blush growing brighter. It wasn't just the emptiness of the bar that made her hesitate, she wasn't sure how comfortable she felt being so close to him. They had talked yes, but being held again by that person is different. They'd both been keeping a relative distance between each other until now, which she'd realized she had needed.

Ville opened his mouth to protest but Mige had already scooted him off the booth seat with a guffaw, to which Ville answered with a menacing glare, a glare which soon faded into a lighthearted smile. "Alright Liv, give me a twirl, for old times sake?"

Liv pursed her lips, narrowing her eyes jokingly at him, "I don't think we ever slow danced together back then?" She crossed her arms smirking, Linde snickering beside her.

Ville slipped off his sport coat, beneath he was wearing a black deep V shirt. "Well then it can be a new tradition as friends." He brushed back the curls from his eyes, beckoning her jokingly with movements of his head.

If this doesn't bother him then it shouldn't bother me. She pulled out her voice recorder from her coat pocket "Care to conduct a dance interview?"

He laughed, exposing his toothy grin, the small laugh lines appearing on his face "A dance interview?"

[Song Recommendation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkxSU__Bi3w ]

Liv got up, swigging back the last of her beer and clipped the small voice recorder to the collar of her shirt, and turned it on, hoping the distance wouldn't make it too hard to hear the interview.

He extended his hand out for her in a gentlemanly manner.

Liv collected herself for a moment, looking down at his outstretched palm and then back at his smiling face, before taking hold of his rough ringed hand.

She sucked in a jagged breath at the sensation of her hand in his, at the sensation of their skin touching, as he led her to the nearly empty dance floor where Sirii and Kosmo danced. Those hands, they'd held her, stroked her, she could still remember the feeling of his cold rings making her jump as he traced circles across her back. She could remember the sound of them, their tinkling as they were shaken off his fingers on to the tour bus floor.

She shook her head, trying to shake off the memories as he stopped, finding a spot he liked. He guided her hand to rest on his upper arm, taking the other in his own and gingerly placing a hand on her hip. Livs mind was too flushed with memories to react, and so she let him begin to sway her gently back and forth.

The lighthearted friendly tone seemed to suddenly vanish as he held her, body inches away. She felt lost in the moment, as if she could melt right into his arms. She wondered if he felt it too. She'd read in an article once that being with someone created patterns in the brain, neural pathways, and if your bond with someone was strong enough, seeing them again, your body will instinctively yearn to retrace those pathways. Is that what's happening now? My brain playing tricks on me?

She felt his hands beginning to sweat in hers.

She took a deep breath.

This can't happen, she pushed the thoughts away and cleared her throat. "How do you feel about this year being the end?"

Suddenly he had stopped meeting her eyes, his gaze fixated just beyond her face, his hands holding her so carefully it felt he was on the verge of letting go. "I am terribly excited to have the time to work on my side projects, as I'm sure the other gentlemen have also said." He smiled, a smile that didn't quite meet his eyes.

Liv nodded, eyes staring off beyond him at the young woman as she performed. "Can you hint at all what these side projects may be?"

"Ooh, just some work with a video game and perhaps the revival of an artists unreleased music, but that is all I should say." He finally looked down at her, a small smile playing on his lips, the green pools of his eyes twinkling in the low bar lights.

Livs heart began to pick up. She looked away. "What uh, whatever happened to that album you wrote?" She wasn't sure why she was asking the question, but she'd been genuinely curious, and it just slipped from her lips.

"Is this a question for the article or for yourself? He cocked his head to the side, inquisitiveness on his features as he caught her gaze once again.

She looked away, shrugging as their bodies continued to sway, heart continuing it's rapid beat, a jackhammer in her chest, "For myself, I guess."

The greens of his eyes saddened and he slowly let go of her hip, gripping her hand tighter and guiding her body into a twirl, catching her as momentum brought her body back to his. He looked up at the bar lights, words playing on his lips as nothing came out right away. "I've always put my heart raw and bare in to everything I've written, but that album just, I didn't feel comfortable releasing it, although it's mostly recorded. Perhaps one day, but not any time soon."

Liv nodded silently, she'd suspected something had happened. She wasn't sure if she'd release something like that, so closely tied to her heart, but then again, torn and bare she'd let her pain show in every gallery installation of her personal work.

"Liv?" He almost whispered her name, bringing her eyes back to him. "When you leave tomorrow, will we go back to limbo? Or do you think we can remain friends?" He twirled her slowly again, hand remaining on her waste as she spun.

She'd been feeling the same way. Seeing him again, although the love had been lost, she'd yearned for his company, unsure if it was selfish for her to covete it, unsure if he'd been playing nice this whole time, or if it was truly possible that despite everything that had happened between them that the scraps left could be turned in to something whole, something new. "I think that would be possible." She nodded, hand giving his a gentle squeeze of affirmation.

As the song ended they untangled themselves from one another quickly.

Ville bowed, the tenseness of the moment gone, the cheerfulness returned, "Thank you for the dance, although not much interviewing happened."

Liv shrugged as they began walking back to the table, "I got most of what I wanted during the shoot I think."

As they both scooted back into the booth, Liv caught Siriis eye from where she still swayed on the dancefloor with Kosmo. Her expression was one of dying curiosity, brows furrowed, eyes wide with questions.

***

They'd just taken off, flying above the heavy snow clouds when Sirii turned to Liv. "So I've been a detective! Correct me if I am wrong. These Finns were the Finns you knew when you were in Hells last. What you never mentioned was how close you all had been. And then talking with Mige I find out you and Ville Valo, the Ville Valo, were once an item." She unbuckled her seatbelt as the overhead light indicated it was okay to do so, turning eagerly to Liv. "Have I got all my facts right so far?"

Liv kept her gaze out the small window, ice crystals already beginning to form as the Finnish landscape below grew smaller and smaller. "Yes, yes you do." She couldn’t fault Sirii for her curiosity, they had been working for each other almost three years at this point with Sirii actually moving to LA, so there hadn’t been much that wasn’t talked about in that time span, except Ville.

"What happened between you two?" She asked softly, caringly.

Liv sighed, pulling out a book from her carry on and flipping down the tray in front of her. "It's a very long story, one I don't particularly care to share right now, I’ll tell you though, when we’re back in LA.” She pulled out her bookmark and stared at the open pages, not reading, but thinking, thinking about everything that had happened during the trip.

Sirii began absentmindedly flipping through one of the flight magazines, "Okay okay okay, but tell me then, why don't you two get back together? We saw it, we all saw it, your uh, what's the word, your chemistry?" Ah yes, that was the glint in her eyes last night, well chemistry doesn't have to be romantic.

"I’m not sure you’d be saying that if you actually heard the story of everything that happened." Liv laughed sarcastically. "We had our chance and we both blew it." She shrugged, trying to focus again on her book, "We aren't the same people, it wouldn't work out. He's just a friend now."

****

[October 26, 2017, Los Angeles]

Liv peaked out from the covers, the morning sun shining warming rays in to her bedroom. She reached out, trying to feel if Quinton had already gotten up, but the space next to her was empty. She stuck her head out and spotted him on the balcony, talking with animation on the phone, pacing back and forth, gesticulating with his hands. The sun lit up his blonde hair. He was shirtless but for a pair of blue boxer briefs.

He spotted her, stopping his pacing and ending the call as he slid the balcony door open. "You're not going to be happy."

Liv sat up, flipping her messy hair out of her eyes, "You've got a job?" She couldn't fault him, he had to work, and half the time she was running just as crazy of a schedule than him. She really had been hoping he'd come tonight though. Maybe it was odd, weird, or stupid, but a part of her wanted to see what the guys thought of him. She didn't need anyone's approval but it would have meant a lot to know they liked him.

He nodded, "Sorry babe, I'll be back tomorrow night, maybe we can go see that movie you wanted?" He kissed the top of her head and turned to the dresser, pulling out clothing.

Liv sighed before getting up and throwing on a black silk robe, tying her hair up in a bun. "If my shoot doesn't run late then yeah. I guess just text me when you're getting in."

He blew a kiss towards her from where she sat on the edge of her bed, watching him change. He quickly pulled on a pair of jeans and black T shirt, combing through his hair, grabbing his travel bag and giving her a peck on the cheek before leaving, the familiar sound of the door locking was the final indication she was alone.

The apartment was unsettlingly silent. She sighed, getting up to make herself a coffee and to attempt a tofu scramble when she heard a faint ding coming from her cellphone on the bedside. She peered over at the lit up screen.

Incoming email, subject line: what is this provocative shit you're making me read.

***

[Anaheim]

"Wait wait, what?" Marcus stopped walking, placing a hand on Livs arm to stop her too, his other hand gently held Hannahs.

"What?" She adjusted her bag and continued walking, the warm fall day making her hair stick to her face.

"You never told me you two stayed in touch, a, and not just stayed in touch, but stayed in touch for over six months." Marcus's expression of displeasure was partially hidden by a pair of sunglasses. Liv loved him to death but he had a terrible habit of being nosey.

Liv shrugged, "Well we did. We shoot each other the occasional message, and are doing a sort of book club thing with one another right now too." She laughed to herself, remembering the conversation they'd had as she'd tried to convince him to give this week's read a chance. "We're on 'I'm with the Band' right now."

"Well you know what, it's good to hear. I'm happy you two could move on from everything." Hannah beamed, always the optimist, always the one to curve Marcus.

The sun was slowly setting on the warm October day as the three of them walked side by side, passing families in Disney gear as they headed over to the House of Blues. Marcus and Hannah wore the same outfits they had worn the night Marcus has proposed, an homage to their marriage. Unable to find anything to wear since Quinton had forgotten to do their laundry the night before, Liv had thrown on an old Depeche Mode T-shirt she had found at the bottom of a drawer, tucking it in to a pair of high waisted black shorts, the outfit topped off with a pair of worn black converse, half of her hair out up in a small bun with the rest flowing down in waves over her shoulders. With gentle pleas from Marcus she had actually left the camera at home this time around, determined to enjoy the show as it was meant to be enjoyed, with her own eyes, not filtered through a camera or phone screen. Plus, Liv had thought as she’d stared longingly at her camera bag on the way out of the apartment that day, this will be the last show of theirs I’ll see, I have to remember every detail.

They climbed a set of stairs leading to an open plaza just as the long line of fans began to disappear through the doorway, HIM gear on full display upon each and every one.

Liv slipped out their printed tickets from her small purse, opening up the folded paper and falling in behind the line, Marcus and Hannah following close behind.

"Tell me again why you didn't just call up your new buddy to get us in?" Marcus asked, throwing an arm around Hannah.

Liv shot Marcus an annoyed look before she handed the tickets to the tall man at the entrance to the venue, "Because I didn't want to ask for a favor, especially from an ex, so sue me. I don't think I even mentioned we were coming come to think of it. Anyways, I still got you guys tickets didn't I?" She shrugged, waiting for them to catch up as she looked around the familiar venue remembering the few shows she'd shot there, the concert excitement melting away her unamusement with Marcus, he was in a sour mood tonight.

Liv looked towards the far right of the venues entrance space where a set of stairs led up to a small balcony area. "Guys, if you don't mind, I think I'm going to take it easy and sit up on the balcony." There was something about being in the thick of the crowds, front of stage, with certain songs playing, she wasn't sure she wanted to relive those memories.

Hannah cut Marcus off before he could say a word, covering his mouth with her hand. "That's perfectly fine, we'll find each other after the show! Thank you again Liv for the tickets, it's really nice to have a night away from the girls." She gave Liv a quick peck on the cheek and guided Marcus towards floor entrance where the rest of the throng of fans had disappeared, her hand still clasped over Marcus's mouth.

Smiling to herself Liv ascended the stairs, the opening chords of the first opening act ringing out throughout the venue, the cheers of the audience meeting the chords in a hectic harmony that Liv loved. Her favorite part of being a music photographer was shooting shows, feeling the notes vibrating in her chest, sensing the physical atmosphere of excitement radiating from the audience, getting candid shot after shot of performers in the ecstasy of presenting their art.

She found a small empty table that looked right over towards the side of the stage, spotting Marcus and Hannah who had wriggled their way through to the middle of the crowd.

She ordered herself a couple of beers which she sipped delightedly watching 3Teeth and CKY, singing along to the CKY songs she remembered from her youth watching Jackass and Viva la Bam. As CKY left the stage the excitement of the crowd was palpable, with the already close pressed bodies squishing forward, the anxious murmuring growing louder. A few roadies quickly came out to adjust equipment, but then they disappeared.

A small shiver ran down Liv’s spine as the lights dimmed and the opening chords to Buried Alive by Love began to blast from the amplifiers. First Linde came out, his body cast in shadows. The audience roared. Kosmo then crept up to the imposing drumset. Burton like a ghost seemed to just materialize before the keyboard. In drastic contrast was Mige, already thrashing his head as he was bathed in the blues and reds of the stage lights. The screams of the audience grew in pitch as Ville walked out dressed almost identical to when Liv had last seen him. In his hand was clutched a microphone, he moved his body to the rhythm of the fast paced song as he took centre stage.

She watched the show with a new found appreciation of what they had accomplished over their career. For once she wasn’t in the wings, nor did she have a lens in her face. It almost felt like she was seeing them for the very first time, but just as she had imagined, each and every song brought back some sort of memory from the many times she’d watched them perform over the year she had travelled with them.

Slowly, with much flair, head banging, drama and flickering lights Rebel Yell, the final encore of the night came to an end. As the band waved their farewells, she noticed a small interaction. Ville had spotted Marcus in the crowd, close to the stage, and had crouched down to hear something Marcus was saying. Suddenly his eyes darted to the balcony, scanning, before resting on Liv. She gave a small smile and wave and his face lit up. He turned back to Marcus, saying something before quickly getting up and retreating off stage.

With his departure the audience began to leave too, no doubt for the merch table, Liv thought, remembering when she would race for the merch after the shows of her youth. Along with the rest of the people up in the balcony she made her way down, just in time to find Marcus and Hannah looking around for her, their faces shiny from sweating.

She laughed, “You two look like you had a good show.”

Marcus wiped his forehead with the back of his arm, eyes growing teary, “I know cause of you there’s like 2 degrees of separation between me and the band but man, I’m choked they’re breaking up, that this is the last show of theirs I’ll ever see.”

“Aww Marcus,” Along with Hannah Liv wrapped her arms around him. It’s funny, fate, Liv mused, if it wasn’t for Marcus’s love of HIM a lot of things in my life would never have happened, especially my career.

Suddenly he broke free of their comforting arms, smiling again, “Ville noticed me in the crowd, asked us to come say hi after the show. He said to just come round back where their bus is.”

She'd figured that's what he said. She wasn't sure why she didn't just tell him they were going to the show, Liv had actually been really wanting to see the guys to ask them what they thought of the piece she had done for Metal Hammer.

"Alright let's go, I think I know the spot." Liv guided Marcus and Hannah through the throngs of fans, past the growing merch line and outside, back down the stairs and into an alley where a large fenced off parking lot was attached to the House of Blues. Some fans had beaten them there already, and Liv spotted the guys dutifully signing a few autographs in an opened section of the lot, with the gate to the side to allow the 3Teeth bus to leave. The fans thanked the band and scurried off, getting out of the way so the bus could pass through.

"Who the hell chooses to sit in the balcony at a show?" Mige yelled, hands cupped to his mouth so the sound would travel as the trio approached.

Liv gave him a warm half hug, "I'm too tired from work to be jostled around these days, see now, if a pit had opened up…"

Ville laughed, crossing his arms with a smirk, "Now that would have been something to see."

The gate was locked and the guys led them to their bus.

Liv hesitated for a second at the steps but climbed in after Marcus and Hannah. "I use to mosh. Marcus tell them!" It's not the same bus, she told herself.

Marcus and Hanna squished in at the small kitchen table next to Mige, Linde, Burton, and Kosmo on the other side. Liv leaned against the sink while Ville leaned against the closed door. He'd taken the beanie off, letting his sweat soaked curls dry, half of them clinging to his face.

"Oh yeah, she use to jump in." He laughed, lacing his hand with Hannahs above the table.

"So you both are still very much together then?" Linde smiled noticing the rings on their fingers.

Hannah nodded, "Oh yeah, and this one here is a stay at home dad with our two girls." She flashed Marcus a smile of pure adoration.

Ville slipped off his sport coat, "Two? Well well congratulations on your little family." He stood, crossing the small space and grabbing a cup of water from a cupboard. Liv scooted to the side as he filled the glass with water, situating himself beside her against the sink as he drank.

Kosmo cleared his throat, drawing all eyes on him suddenly. "Uh Liv, how is your friend, Sirii?"

Liv smiled to herself, trying to hide her giddiness. "She uh.." She dug around in her purse, pulling out a small piece of paper and walking over to the table to hand it to him. "She couldn't make it tonight but she wanted you to have that, it's some sort of note. I promise I didn’t read it." She gave him a wink as she returned to her spot by the sink.

Burton rubbed the tiredness from his eyes, "aaah, love is in the air."

Ville leaned over towards Liv as Marcus launched in to stories of his daughters, bonding with Linde who already missed his own. "Psst. Care to step out for a cigarette?"

Liv nodded, following as Ville made for the door, calling out over his shoulder, "Smoke break! Be back in two shakes of a lamb's tail!"

"And when I'm back you all need to tell me what you thought of the article and shots!" She slipped out of the door and into the warm night, closing the door behind her and following Ville to the side of the bus where a light attached to the metal fence illuminated a small patch. He pulled a pack of Marlboros from his back pocket.

Liv did the same, sticking the cigarette between her lips but unable to find a light. Ville obliged, protecting the flame and bringing it to light her smoke. "I'm not sure how much I like our current read." He smirked, bringing up the topic of their emails with each other just earlier that day.

Liv shrugged, leaning against the metal fence, "It's a rock and roll classic, even if it reads like a young girl's diary." She sucked in a deep drag. She was glad Ville suggested they step out, the bus was feeling a bit claustrophobic, especially after the show. The night was quiet aside from the distant sounds of roadies loading up their gear for the road.

Ville ran his free hand through his still damp hair, "I'll choose something a tad different for next week." He stared up at the glowing light above them, moths swirling around it in a chaotic frenzy of want. "You should have mentioned you were coming, you wouldn't have had to buy tickets."

Liv shrugged, flicking the ash off her cigarette with the painted nail of her thumb, "I didn't want to ask a favor I guess."

Ville took a step in front of Liv, "Things are well? With work? And your chap, Quinton?"

She nodded, putting out her cigarette and tossing it out in a nearby trash can. "My family is doing well, I think I'm going to stop by and visit my dad and Grandpa in Brooklyn soon. Work? Work is busy as always, and so is Quinton. He was actually supposed to come tonight but had a last minute photoshoot he had to go to." She fiddled with the small bun on her head, "Sometimes I wish I just had the time to sit at home, reading and relaxing."

His deep green eyes fixed on hers, a touch of sadness in them. "I know exactly how you feel." He looked down, taking a small step closer and tossing the remnants of his cigarette aside, his body just a foot away. Liv noted the step, surprised by how close he was actually getting to her this time. "That year, when we were on break from touring, and you'd stay at my tower, and we'd watch movies, or you'd fiddle around on your laptop while I strummed notes without a song, not necessarily doing anything together, just simply comforted by the presence of the other. Those are very fond memories to me, and putting aside the ills of the past has allowed me to enjoy those memories once again."

She was surprised by just how exactly his thoughts mirrored her own, as if now more than ever they were on the same page. “I know what you mean.” She managed to say, as inadequate as it was to really express how much she’d been feeling the same way lately, flushed with memories she was finally able to revisit.

She watched as Ville lit another cigarette, hands a little unsteady. He inhaled deeply before pointing the cigarette in her direction, “That shirt is the same one you had on in the hospital.”

She looked down. It was. How did he remember, after all this time.

She remembered the moment so clearly, she always had. Her body ached from having her stomach pumped, her mind ached with worried embarrassment over what she had done, she was detesting the sight of the needle sticking out from the back of her hand, internally wishing for a distraction, something, anything to grasp at to keep her from drowning in the mental ocean she was filling with anxiety.

And then came his deep voice piercing the quiet. A life raft.

And then everything changed.

She looked up from her shirt. He was even closer now. “Do you remember what you said?” Her voice was soft and weak.

He tossed his cigarette without his eyes leaving hers, “You better not.”

She wasn't sure what was happening, or what she was doing. It seemed as if her body made the decision without consent from her mind, and before she knew it she'd taken a hesitant step forward, bridging the gap between their bodies, and placed her hands on his chest, extending her body up on her toes, and bringing her lips to his, melting from within at the familiar sensation. Remembrance, having his body so close, watching his lips move, it had sparked something within her.

He pulled back, grabbing her hands by the wrists and holding them away from his chest as he looked down incredulously, his eyes wide with surprise. Suddenly his face looked strained, eyes furrowed with thought and want briefly before he pulled her back to him, lips colliding with hers in hunger, hand wind up to cup her face, and tangle in to her hair. They kissed with the urgency of three lost years, clutching at each other, unwilling to let go.

It had been over six months since she’d seen him, but on that last night, dancing, she’d wanted nothing more than to do this, to feel the softness of his lips, to be held by his rough hands, to feel the warmth of him washing over her.

But all too soon they stopped to catch their breath, and the moment was gone.

Liv stepped back, bringing her fingers to her lips, as if the sensation of his lips still lingered there, as if she could try and make it go away.

What have I done.

She looked up, he'd crossed his arms, closing himself off, staring up at the stars, panting.

"I, I'm so sorry…" Her voice trailed off. What did I do. Why did I do that. She looked away from him, embarrassed.

A silence hung in the air.

His voice, horse with strain, finally broke the quiet, "Liv we uh, we can't."

She turned around, crossing her arms to hold herself together. "I know. I…. I know. I'm sorry I didn't mean to, it, it just…" It just what?

Embarrassed, Uncomfortable, and unsure of what else to say Liv took a step towards the tour bus entrance, but a hand gently wrapping around hers stopped her.

She looked up in to his serious green eyes, his face full of determined sympathy. "Do you want this?"

He didn't need to be any more specific, she knew exactly what he meant. This, this was all of it, all of him. This meant stepping back, picking up where turmoil tore them apart. Or did it mean a fresh start? "I don't know." It was the truth. "I didn't think, it was an impulse. I'm happy where we are now. I, I'm happy with Quinton." She was, things were easy, things were moving along, they'd moved in together, they were happy, she was happy.

Why did I kiss him.

Ville let go of her hand and shoved his own in to his jean pockets. "Well there you have it Kul.. Liv. You are the star in someone else's sky. This was, as you say, an impulse, on both our parts. I uh, I apologize as well. We don't have to let it change things."

She nodded, digesting his words and silently left.

Is that even possible? Acting as if nothing has changed.

She was angry at herself, not only for ruining the steady friendship she’d had with Ville thus far, but also possibly ruining what she had with Quinton.

She chewed on her bottom lip, opening the bus door. Would he forgive me?

“Liv,” Marcus sighed with relief, “Our babysitter just called and Mary isn’t feeling well so we need to split.” Liv could see the worry in Hannah's eyes.

“That’s no problem, let’s head back to LA then.” She adjusted the strap of her purse and turned to the guys, who all looked just about ready for bed. “I’m sorry I couldn’t stay any longer.”

Mige waved his hand, dismissing her apology, “Stop stop, it’s fine. We’ll see each other again soon I’m sure, hell you should even come down for Helldone!”

Linde nodded as he scooted out from the table behind Marcus and Hannah, “You really should, we’ll be going out with a bang.”

Too frazzled, her face couldn’t form a genuine smile, so she plastered on a fake one, hoping they wouldn’t notice, “I’ll uh, I’ll definitely think about it.”

She went over to each of the guys and wished them luck on the rest of the tour, and a good night, embracing them in hugs, even Kosmo, who’s shyness seemed to have dissipated.

She moved aside to let Marcus and Hannah get off the bus first, but stopped mid step as Burton spoke up, “Oh! Liv! And just so you know, you absolutely did us proud with the piece.”

Mige nodded, “It was an honour. Have a good night!”

She blushed, even more speechless now, “Thank you,” She whispered as she left, closing the bus door behind her. Her eyes immediately glanced towards where she had left Ville. He was still there, leaning against the fence, smoking. Should I wave? Say goodbye? Maybe not, maybe we need to cool down.

And then the butterflies began to fly within her. She moaned aloud with frustration, rubbing her face with her hands as she turned, following Marcus and Hannah past a set of security guards that let them through the gated lot. What am I going to say to Quinton?

***

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She turned to glance back at him. He squinted, trying to catch a glimpse, something, anything, that could hint at what she was thinking, or how she was feeling. She was too far away, and just as soon as she’d turned to look at him, she’d turned back, black hair swaying in the dim lights of the lot.

Her figure faded into the darkness.

"Paska (shit)" He swore under his breath, half at his own idiocy, and half at the sight of their bus driver preparing the tour bus for the nights drive.

He needed air, fresh air to think, he looked down at his cigarette, well not exactly fresh air.

He wanted to yell, not with anger, but with pent up adrenaline and emotion.

He took a deep breath.

She'd kissed me, it was her, all her, I stopped it, I did the right thing, but I wanted her, I wanted her so bad. He shook his head, sliding down the fence and crouching down, elbows resting on his knees.

He hung his head.

I asked her what she wanted, what do I want, I did not think of that did I.

It was a question he already knew the answer to, a question that had never quite left him over the years as his wounds had closed, scars grown, and as he'd accepted the fate of their love; dead.

I shouldn't have kissed her back.

His hands balled into fists, silver rings digging into his skin.

Once long ago, as he'd decayed in his own thoughts and a pack of beer, he'd compared himself to Heathcliff. Losing Liv had felt like truly losing her, as if she'd passed away. He'd cursed the world for being a collection of memories that she'd been his and he'd lost her. He'd cursed her love, as Heathcliff had cursed Cathy, that her love would haunt him, because as painful as the loss of her was, he'd rather have the sting in his heart than nothing at all.

He was angry with himself that now his drunken thoughts were coming to fruition. He couldn't live in peace with or without her, that was now clear.

Perhaps it was wrong to want any part of her, to want her friendship. I was fooling myself that this could work, and that it would be easy. But it's not working. We should have left things as they were beneath the northern lights. I've complicated things so terribly by thinking that friendship was possible for us despite everything.

He froze, remembering the sensation of her lips on his, of her body pressed against him, the warmth of her, the familiar taste of her.

He shook his head, exhaling a shaky breath, trying to wipe the image from his mind. He looked back in the direction she had left.

What will she tell her boyfriend?

Would I have liked him?

He took a deep breath, putting out his cigarette and collecting the cigarette butts around him to throw away.

He snuck into the quiet tour bus, gently closing the door behind him and crawling into his bottom bunk in the back. Knocking off his boots he lay back, bringing his knees up. His head began to hurt.

He ran an unsteady hand through his hair and stripped of his shirt. He'd dreamed of a similar scenario playing out once upon a time. A dream that fate would bring them back together, that he could hold and kiss her once again, but that dream no longer seemed realistic.

He’d moved on.

She’d moved on.

I need to stop holding on.

I need to let her go.

He ran his hands over his face, rubbing the frustrated tears from his eyes with vigor as they continued to silently stream.

I need to let her go.