Heartaches Knocking on Her Door

She sat in a small coffee shop in the heart of Helsinki across from a chattering Jarno, but Liv wasn’t listening. The first week in Finland had been a hectic one. Liv had had to find a cheap hotel to stay at, since she would be staying there for a few weeks until the Warsaw show. Seppo had had Liv running around meeting various people in the photography business, he even had her taking a few night classes to pick up tricks and techniques she didn’t know yet, as well he was making Liv go to different photo shoots so that she learned how to create her own lighting. This day had been her only free one, and Jarno had snatched it up, despite her episode in Philadelphia, to show her tourist attractions around the city.

As Liv tried to listen as Jarno listed out all the places he wanted to take her she couldn’t help but think how, in only the span of a week, she missed the guys, the band, the group of men she had begun to call her friends. They had all returned to their families, their loved ones, taking a much needed break before the touring picked up again, and so Liv hadn’t seen them whatsoever. She missed them. She missed Ville.

But he had made it clear that he didn’t want Liv, that he didn’t feel that way, and so Liv was trying to give the eager Jarno a chance.

“and we can go to the Helsingin tuomiokirkko, that cathedral here, you’ll like it” Jarno smiled at Liv, waiting for a response after his long explanation of the best places to visit in Helsinki. He wore a dark gray jacket, light jeans, and a black tee shirt with Finnish words riddled on it.

Liv smiled back at him, unsure of what he had just said. Did he ask me something? “Well we should head out than, a lot of places to go to” She got up from her seat, putting on her light gray pea coat. She’d just gotten use to the Finnish weather, which wasn’t that bad, but definitely colder than LA. She was excited to go out and get to know the city more. Her mother had always told about it, and now she could truly experience Helsinki.

The day went by fast, and Liv had actually enjoyed herself, though after a week of work she’d really just wanted to stay in with her worn copy of HP Lovecraft’s complete works. Eventually the sun set on the beautiful city, a city which, though intimidating at first, soon grew on Liv as the day had progressed, Jarno tugging her along, showing her the cities beauty.

“Jarno, thank you, I had a really lovely time. I’ve been sort of busy lately but I’m glad you took me out to get to know Helsinki. You were a much needed distraction.” The two stood out in the rays of the descending sun in front of Liv’s small hotel.

“Oh no, it was my pleasure. I’m glad you liked it, its home. Look I’ll take you to a show next time you’re free, maybe not Travastia Klubi, cause it’s hard to get tickets sometimes, but another place.” He took a step towards Liv.

“That sounds awesome, I’d love to hear some local sounds.” She began to chew her lip nervously.

“I hope that I can continue on to Poland with the guys. I know for sure that I’ll be going with the guys for Ruisrock and QSTOCK, but I haven’t been confirmed yet. What I’m trying to get at is that, I’ll miss you while you’re gone.”

“Oh, well I’ll miss you too Jarno.” Liv replied as Jarno took another step coming.

Liv saw it coming, but she wasn’t ready for Jarno to kiss her, she didn’t even know if she liked the guy yet, it was only their second date. But before Liv could give it another thoughts, Jarno had made his move. He leant in and gently placed his lips on hers. She wasn’t sure what she was doing, but Liv had begun to kiss him back as his hand rested on the small of her back. Liv could feel his eagerness but before she herself could take a step back, Jarno had pulled back, a huge smile plastered on his face.

Jarno wished Liv a good night and left her, a skip practically in his step.

Liv wasn’t sure how she felt about the kiss. She liked Jarno, She’d kissed him back, but there was some, something not there. Why am I over analyzing this so much, Liv thought as she slowly walked into the hotel, to her room. Jarno likes me, he is really nice, he is funny, fun, and I even liked our kiss, but, but. WHY IS THERE A BUT! She yelled internally, banging her head on her hotel room door. Ugh, she unlocked her door.

Her hotel room was small, the bed taking up most of the room, a small TV across from it, and a tiny bathroom. Though Liv had already made a decent amount of money on her pictures, the cost of staying in hotel rooms every night was taking its toll on her bank account, hence the small room.

Shrugging off her coat, and stripping off the uncomfortable dark blue tank top she had been wearing, Liv shoved aside her Finnish English dictionary and collapsed on her bed. Though she did have plans to talk business with Seppo over lunch the next day, Liv looked forward to sleeping in.

***

Stupid fucking phone, Liv thought as she pried her eyes open to search for her phone which was ringing up a storm on her nightstand. She slowly extended her hand, closing her sore eyes again as she answered.

“Hello?”

“Liv, hello my dear.” Came Seppo’s accented voice from across the line.

Liv sat up, suddenly awake. “Am I late for something? Did I sleep in? What time is it?”

She could hear Seppo laughing. “No no, calm down, its only eight, I thought you would be awake already, my apologies. I called to cancel lunch and to ask a favor.”

“Yes anything, what would you like me to do” Liv reluctantly pulled her blanket off.

“Well I have business I need to take care of, all day in fact, and I haven’t heard from Ville since we returned. He isn’t answering his phone, and no one’s heard from him. Would you be a dear and go over today, make sure the boy is still alive? Tell him to call.”

Knots began to tangle inside Liv’s stomach. She really didn’t want to see Ville, if he was going to lie about the way he felt, Liv was going to leave him alone to work it out himself, give him space; suddenly showing up at his home unannounced was the farthest thing from giving him space. She thought about saying no, but she just couldn’t say no to Seppo, or at least that’s what she told herself. There was a small part, locked away in the back of her mind that was excited. Excited to see Ville again, excited to be near him, to have his eyes upon her.

Lazily dropping her legs off the side of the bed Liv gave a sigh. “Yeah, of course I’ll do it, just give me his address and I’ll make my way over there.”

***

He sat on the hardwood floor of his living room, legs crossed, wearing nothing but a pair of flannel pajama bottoms, strumming his acoustic. Ever since returning to Hel’s Ville had been inspired and so he’d locked himself away in his tower, the world forgotten, the notes flowing from his fingers.

He stopped for a moment as he heard the sound of a car door close outside, and a soft knock upon his front door. He hoped it wasn’t a fan, though he didn’t mind being stopped while he was out and about, it slightly irked him to be disturbed at his own home, hence the polite sign posted outside his door, a request for privacy.

He slowly got up and peered through the peep hole, only to be utterly surprised. There Liv stood, looking meek as a mouse, nervously looking around. She wore white skinny jeans, a black tight fitting tee shirt with a huge white print of Beethoven’s face on it, and the crimson hoodie she had worn back in LA. She held two coffee cups and a small paper bag. Little red seeking out the big bad wolf, Ville thought smirking.

Trying to supress a smile, Ville opened the door just as Liv looked to be about to turn around. He watched as Liv took him in, a grin coming across her face, only for her too quickly take it away. Her eyes lingered on his bare chest, which Ville couldn’t help but laugh at, finally Liv looked up.

“Seppo wanted me to make sure you were alive. I see that you are, that’s good, um, he also wants you to call him back.” She nervously mumbled out the words

Ville laughed “Do you do everything that Seppo tells you?”

“No, I don’t. Actually, scratch that, I do. But that’s beside the point. I should go now, oh and uh I brought you a coffee and muffin, wasn’t sure how you liked you coffee so I just got it black. Alright my cabs waiting, bye, don’t forget to call Seppo.” She handed him the drink and paper bag as he looked on amused, and then turned, walking back to the idling cab that waited on the street.

“Stop” Ville called out. He quickly put down the drink and muffin, grabbing some cash from the pocket of a coat which lay on the ground, and rushed back out, getting to the cab before Liv, and paying driver who drove off. Ville slowly turned to face Liv, who seemed angry.

“But I was just going to go back. Leave you be.” She seemed to be speaking more to herself than to Ville.

“Well now you’re not. Come in, have breakfast with me.” Ville said, walking past the still stunned Liv, and waiting for her at his door.

I should have just let her go, Ville thought. She wanted to leave me be, she is right, to give me space, but I couldn’t have just let her go once she was here. He watched as she turned and trudged up to his door. She took a hesitant step in, looking around.

“So what do you think of my humble abode?” Ville asked, honestly curious to know Liv’s opinion on his home.

She slid off her coat, hanging it on an abandoned coat hook, surrounded by coats on the floor. “It’s beautiful. Very Grimm-esque. The green vines intertwined, reaching higher around your lonely tower”

“Not sinister at all?” he laughed, as he picked up the coffee and muffin Liv had brought him, leading the way into his kitchen.

“Far from it. It’s a good thing you have a front door, your hair isn’t nearly long enough to get you freed from your loneliness.” She grinned to herself, taking a sip of her own coffee.

Laughing, “Well you’re here aren’t you? You’ll help me kill the loneliness” winking Ville pulled out a bar stool at the counter for the now blushing Liv to take a seat in. She’s quite clever, he thought, as he went around the counter and leaned against the oven, taking a bite of the blueberry muffin Liv had brought him.

“So tell me, how do you like Helsinki?” He asked, watching Liv’s expression. A sudden chill in his home made Ville conscious that he was still shirtless, but didn’t want to interrupt her answer by going to change.

“Well the other day Jarno took me out” Ville’s gaze hardened. Am I jealous? He thought. No I can’t be. “to see the sights and you know, it’s sort of strange. When my mom was younger she use to travel with her parents. She use to tell me stories of Helsinki, how charmingly breathtaking it was, yet with a rough edge. I never knew how those two could go together, but I see what she meant. I’m glad that since you guys are from here, this is where I get to stay between shows.” Ville could see a sadness touch Liv’s hazel eyes as she spoke about her mother.

He reassuringly gave her a smile than excused himself to go change, having finished his muffin and coffee, happy that Liv had been able to guess right that he liked it black, and happy that his home, the city he himself loved so much, was also liked by Liv.

He came down wearing a pair of light wash jeans, black scarf, gray beanie, and Iggy Pop tee. Looking into his kitchen he saw it was empty. Did she leave when she got the chance? He thought.

“Liv!” He called out.

“In here” Came her quiet voice from his living room.

Liv stood in the center of the small living room, gazing at all the various music and horror movie memorabilia which lined the walls. She was leaning up to admire small jars of dirt which lay on a high shelf of a bookcase. It was a collection of dirt from the graves of different artists, poets, musicians, which Ville admired, gifts from fans.

Instead of interrupting her, he took a seat on the ground again, picking up his acoustic. Ville couldn’t help but appreciate Liv’s body, as she stretched to see the different names on the jars, a flash of her nude picture clouding his mind. Snap yourself out of it man! He scolded himself.

“Do you play any instruments” He asked to break the silence.

She turned, smiling, her black waves swaying with the turn of her head, heals touching the ground. “I was classically trained in Piano until I was fifteen.” She took a seat in front of him, imitating his stance by crossing her legs.

“I have a piano upstairs, would you play for me?” Ville asked eagerly. The prospect of hearing Liv play made his heart beat pick up.

“I don’t know… It’s been a while”

“ I’ll play with you, come on” He got up and extended his hand to help Liv up, she reluctantly took it. Her small, soft hands felt warm in Ville’s. He led the way up his winding staircase and into his small studio, full of various instruments, including a baby grand piano.

“I still don’t know about this” Liv said taking a seat at the piano. “What would we even play?”

Ville knew just the song. Smiling he rummaged around a stack of music sheets on the ground, finding it at the bottom of the pile. He placed the sheets in front of Liv’s confused expression and grabbed an acoustic, taking a seat on the ground next to the piano.

He looked up at her to make sure she was ready. Liv was smiling down at the notes. Ville knew she would like his choice.

“Whenever you are ready Mr. Valo” She said, slender fingers poised over the keys.

Without taking his transfixed gaze off of Liv, Ville began playing the opening chords to Fluff, by Black Sabbath. He watched as the soothing notes washed over Liv, her eyes closed, her chest slowly rising and falling.

She didn’t even need to look at the music sheet, her fingers delicately chiming in at the right time, making their way across the keys. Ville was enthralled. She played beautifully. They sat there, playing the ethereal song, Ville watching Liv play. The song ended, all too soon.

“That was lovely” Ville smiled, applauding Liv’s performance.

Liv looked down at him, blushing. “Do you have a favorite composer?” She asked turning to Ville.

“Currently I would have to say Arvo Part” Ville watched as Liv turned back to the keys and began playing Spiegel im Spiegel.

As the sombre notes began to fill the air, Ville set aside his acoustic and took a seat next to Liv. She kept her eyes closed while playing.

“I played this at my mother’s funeral” she choked out as a tear escaped her closed lids.

Ville stared at her in surprise. It all began to make sense, how she had referred to her mother in past tense, how she had ‘accidentally’ overdosed.

“How long has it been?” He asked as Liv continued to play, eyes closed.

“About a month” she whispered, more tears escaping. “sorry”

“Never be ashamed of your emotions” Ville said, just as Liv stopped playing. He wrapped his arms around her. She held him back, tears having stopped. She pulled her head back, arms still around Ville.

“Come, I’ll show you the other side to Helsinki” Ville slowly pulled away from Liv, who tried to smile, and pulled her up off the seat.

Ville wanted to distract her. Take her mind off of her mother, if only for a moment. He couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed as he thought back on Liv’s unconscious expression, being carried through the hospital, and now he knew why. Tragically beautiful.

Still holding Liv’s hand he went downstairs, determined that from now on he would stop his behavior. His behavior of trying to avoid her one moment, and almost kissing her the next. Almost kissing her. He couldn’t help but imagine, every now and then, since returning to Finland, what if. What if he had kissed her. And now he couldn’t deny it anymore. He did have feelings for her. He’d thought about it the other night. What it would be like to be in a relationship with Liv, to have the judgmental eyes of his friends on him, to have to deal with a difference in maturity. What if he fell for her, he always fell so fast. What if he got in too deep and something happened. He couldn’t do that to Liv. But she was so alone. Away from home, friends, family, she didn’t need some eager puppy nipping at her heels, Jarno, she needs a friend. I’ll be that friend, Ville internally thought as he handed Liv her coat, dialing the number for a cab.