Maybe It Was You All Along

“Hey Jaime, time to go to sound check.” Vic calls out from outside of the bus, head just poking in.

“Yeah, I’ll be right up!” Jaime bites back the emotions that are threatening to overtake his voice, never taking his watery eyes off of the plush toy in his hands. It’s a turtle, one that he’s been keeping with him for over twenty years now. But carrying it around with him has become even harder today, since it’s been a year, day for day. The memories keep popping up in his head, the flashbacks more vivid than ever. The last year has been the harshest of his life and Jaime has to admit that he can’t begin to guess how he made it this far. Completely forgetting about Vic’s previous warning, Jaime lets the memories take over, the events of last year flashing brightly behind his closed eyes.

* * *

“I… Tone… Turtle… please? Just keep fighting, for me, for the music, for the fans, anything? Please, love.” Jaime grabs his fiancé’s – because yes, he’d kept the promise he had made to his Mama so long ago and had asked Tony to marry him, ten years after they finally got together, five years after both becoming part of the band that would change their lives forever – hand, squeezing it tightly, hoping for so much more than the feeble response he gets from Tony.

“Jaime… You know it’s doing nothing good. You have to…” Tony’s breath is labored, and he needs to take a long pause before going on. “You need to accept it, because… as selfish as it sounds… I really need… to know that you’ll be okay… no, let me…” He squeezes Jaime’s hand, lifting a shaking hand towards his lover’s head. “Jaime, I need you to promise… to promise me that you… won’t… let this stop you… from going on with… the band and your life… you have plenty of time to… find someone-“

“Are you INSANE?!” Jaime practically yells out, unable to keep the anger from bubbling up in his voice. “How fucking dare you talk like this- how DARE you tell me to basically forget you?! You’re the fucking love of my life Tony Perry and you just- expect me to go on as if, as if nothing happened?! Can you hear yourself? Don’t say that…” The fight leaves Jaime as fast as it built up inside of him, desperation and profound sadness letting him sit back down, tears burning at the corners of his eyes. He lets his head fall down on Tony’s chest; dry sobs making his shoulders shake repeatedly.

“Jaime, please… you and I both know that I won’t make it out this time… not with what the doctors said…” The cancer had been a total surprise for everyone. But when isn’t it? When Tony had been diagnosed with leukemia, they still thought the treatments would work, and they did: for about a year, the guitarist had been able to go back to touring with the band, always cautious but there had been hope. Then about two months ago, their world had crashed down again, after Tony collapsed on stage during one of their shows. This time though, the diagnostics were clear: there was nothing to do. The cancer had progressed rapidly and was not so slowly destroying Tony from the inside. It was too late for any treatment, too.

Jaime looked up, staring into his fiancé’s eyes. “I can’t just… let you go, Turtle. I… love you too much for that.” Tony smiled, fighting back the tears that were threatening to spill out. “I love you, too, so fucking much, Jaime… and trust me when I say… that leaving you and the band, leaving the music… is the last thing I want to do. But you… you need to accept it. I want to hear you say… that you’ll go on. That you won’t let my…” Tony paused, out of breath, but quickly went on so Jaime wouldn’t interfere.”…this…. stop you from touring, from living… our… your dream. Cause you and I both know… that this is it, and you and Vic and Mike and… and Drew…” Drew was the band’s new guitarist, a friend of theirs that was truly talented. “… have so much in front of you… you are going to be great… incredible even, I know it, the fans know it. Please Jaime, please… promise me you’ll go on. You can’t let me stop you from living your life. You’re twenty five…. year old for fuck’s sake. Please. If you love me… that’s all I want to hear”

“I… yes. I… promise. I love you.” Jaime has to fight back all the things he wants to say in protest, because he can see it in Tony’s eyes that it’s the thing he really needs. So he does, he promises, even though he seriously doubts it. Tone has always been the one constant in his life: his other half, his best friend, his pillar, his fiancé. The one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, for fuck’s sake. When Jaime focuses back on the present, he can see that the guitarist has fallen asleep, a smile on his face; he kisses his hand, his ring finger, and then sits back comfortably in the chair he hasn’t left in days. He too feels himself drift off to sleep, never letting Tony’s hand go.

The next time Jaime wakes up, it’s already half past midnight, and it’s to a trashing Tony, who he comforts by stroking his hand, his forehead, kissing him softly. His fiancé never does wake up, though, and barely fifteen minutes later, the heart monitor lets out a flat beep sound, indicating what Jaime has been desperately dreading. He tries to react, but he can only grip the now limp hand of Tony tighter, tears flooding his face. When Vic and Mike come rushing in, alarmed by the sudden activity of the nurses, they also stare in shock, before grabbing on to a still numb Jaime and guiding him out of the room, letting the doctor do his work.

That’s when it finally dawns on the bassist. The fact that he just lost his everything, the man he is still deeply in love with, the one who has always been there for him. He turns back towards Tony’s hospital room, but doesn’t fight the hard grip the Fuentes brothers have on him, and can’t help but let out the most horrifying scream, one that must have been heard on the entire floor, if not the levels above and below as well. He screams and he screams, finally shushed by Vic, who engulfs him in the tightest hug, slowly rocking him. They are soon joined by Mike, who’s making shushing sounds, all choking on tears that can’t stop spilling.

The funeral occurs a couple days later, and the boys and family can’t help but be completely overwhelmed by the amount of people that show up for the event, all of the band’s fan that came to give their respects. The whole affair is a mess of crying and muffled condolences, emotive speeches and fond memories. The band took an eight month pause, the longest they ever took, stopping for once their very busy touring schedule.

* * *

But now they’re back on the road, and still it’s hard every day for Jaime to even get up, to keep on facing the world. Luckily music is there, and it’s the only reason. The Fuentes brothers, Drew, the fans, his family and friends. They all were and still are there, and he can’t bring himself to let them down.

* * *

Later that night, during that show – it’s a hometown show, in San Diego – the band is surprised by a massive chant of ‘Tony, Tony…’ that fills up the entire arena after they perform ‘Hold On ‘Til May’ acoustically, dedicated to the deceased band member. People even hold up paper, toy, and plush turtles.

And they all can’t help but think that Tony must be very touched, watching from up high. Because how could they ever, ever forget the shy guitarist that loves turtles?