A letter to the living.

I don’t have much. I never did. But I’m fine with that. I’m not a very material person. But onto the point of this. My name is Bethany Bosteder and I’m suicidal. You all know what that means. No point in defining it any further. But there are as many reasons for it as there are people who've wished for death. Call my reason shallow, stupid, pathetic, or anything else you want to. But my reason is that I'm an auxiliary person. A back up, one could say. An expendable. What does that mean to me? It means that everything I ever have done or ever will do can be done by someone else much better than I could. Now here I could debate about what gives a person worth, or the fact that hope is just a word to me. But I won’t. The plain truth of the matter is that I won’t do it. I can’t. Not as long as someone would cry over it. Not to mention the fact that I’m far too much of a coward to even try. I guess I’m not actually suicidal then. No, more like a wanna-be suicidal person. I wonder if that makes it worse or better. Truly though, I’m not much of anything. I’m not talented, nor pretty, nor nice. But I’m too much of a push-over to do much of anything else. Not to mention I’m about as social as a rock. In short, I’m a horrible person with no reason to live and who’s too much of a coward to die. I suppose that it’s fitting then, that I went for that walk in the dead of night. I wasn't going to do anything, just clear my head. I went half-way across the old bridge in town. When it rains, the water underneath goes very fast. It’s been raining a lot lately. I suppose it’s no surprise that I climbed over the railing to get a better look at the water rushing by. No, it’s not surprise at all that I jumped, head first, into the small waves. It’s not shocking in the least that I was smiling as my skull cracked upon its impact with the river bed. Not shocking at all that I felt like laughing while I was drowning. I’m finally content as I write this. Now that I know I’m not in the world of the living any longer. I’m not taking up valuable resources or contributing to the mess. After all, I'm just a horrible person that never had a reason to exist. Or should that be “I was”? I’m glad I don’t exist anymore.