If I Were to Die

Two girls were sprawled on a pink bed, one flipping through a magazine in search of make-up ideas to wear to a party later that night as the other dried her fingernails.

The smallest girl, who’d painted her nails blue, said, “I think if Evan Sutton doesn’t come tonight, I might cry. Did you invite him?”

“No, I don’t know him that well.”

“The hell you don’t,” Wynona remarked with a snort. “Whatever, Liv, I’ll bet you have him for breakfast every time you’re at the Suttons’.

Olivia groaned and threw red hair over her shoulder. “He’s, like, barely sixteen.”

“But he’s gorgeous. Why else would you spend time with Eleanor if it wasn’t to bang her sexy little brother?”

At her friend’s words, Olivia’s stomach dropped in a ping of guilt. She hated when people talked down about Eleanor, but she hadn’t the guts to correct them. Ellie was still her best friend, but she allowed herself to be distracted by more…sociable girls. Thinking about her only made Olivia feel like a horrid person.

The other girl blabbered on, closing her magazine. “I mean if I was Eleanor, I’d be hitting on him like it was my job.”

“WYNONA! That is disgusting! For real, what the hell? That’s her brother!”

She was going to reply, but a cell phone began to vibrate on the bed. The red haired girl lifted it to see caller ID had identified none other than Evan on the other line, which was odd, because he’d never called her before, nor had he a reason. “Put it on speaker phone! Let’s ask him now!” Wynona bounced up and down on her stomach, hazel eyes wide when she saw who it was.

Obeying, she answered, tapping the screen. However, she didn’t expect to hear commotion and scratchy whispering being projected throughout the room. “Hello? Evan?”

The male began to say hello back to her, but before he could even get past the ‘h’ sound, he burst into sobs, startling the girls. Wynona raised an eyebrow, but Olivia was struck with worry.

“Evan, what’s wrong?”

Almost instantly, he began to talk quickly and with broken speech so that the only thing she got out of his noises were the words ‘Ellie’ and ‘she’.

“Ev, you’ll need to slow down. I can’t understand you.”

“Olivia…” Wynona giggled at the boy’s helpless tone but shut herself up when she saw the disgusted look on her companion’s face when she did so.

“Have you called your mother?”

“I can’t—I can’t be the one to tell her, Olivia! I don’t wanna see Mama in pain. I don’t know who else to call!” He wailed, still teetering on the edge of inaudible. She had absolutely no idea what he was going on about, but it made her stomach turn.

“Evan, honey, where are you? I’ll come get you and I can stay with you if Ellie isn’t home.”

“N-No, Liv, it’s not-”

“Just tell me what-”

It was then that the truth came out. When it did, it shattered souls, hearts, thoughts and dreams. Like a blade, it drew through her chest; a saber dipped in guilt and love. Her body became numb under the weight of the wound “Eleanor’s dead. She drowned herself in the bathtub,” his voice quivered, but he managed to get his message across.

Olivia’s ears became suddenly aware of the screeching silence around her, aside from the sniffles on the other end of the line. Her rib cage abruptly felt elephantine underneath her skin as the air from her lungs escaped. The room seemed to vibrate as her eyes glazed in confusion and grief. Moving as lifelessly as a ghost, she placed her phone to her ear adjusting it to its normal volume. The speaker phone felt so invasive and harsh against her senses “Liv…? A-Are you still there?”

“Yeah, Evan,” she whispered, clarity evading her mind. It appeared as if the world had fallen away, tumbling into a blinding void of regret and loss. She was no longer in the presence of a friend, and quickly she was overcome with a wave of loneliness despite Wynona’s shocked and fixed eyes upon her. “If this is a joke-”

“I’d never lie to you about something like this. She took pills,” he paused his stuttering, “When I found her all I could see was her feet from the tub. It’s like she just laid down and decided to leave me; to leave us.” His words were final and they fell into a comfortable silence in which they both wallowed in their sorrow.

Olivia counted back all she had done wrong in the past few months. Perhaps she could’ve prevented it. They all could’ve if they just tried to help. Everyone in Ellie’s life cared about her, but didn’t know how to let her know. Olivia was in shame for her execution of relieving the stress her crumbling companion had soundlessly laid upon her. She’d disregarded her best friend, drowning out the hint of intense yearning in her voice when she’d ask her to reschedule her other plans in order for them to spend time together. She even ignored the subtle plea in her melancholic stare far too many times. What kind of friend was she to see that someone she loved deeply was breaking and not do anything to stop it? Sure, she had tried at the start when Ellie began to excuse herself early from meals to purge herself, but after she realized there was a lot more going on than bulimia, it was as if she shut down. This closed off the primary side of herself, leaving the more emotionless part to deal with it in order to protect the pain she felt from spreading.

Some would argue that Ellie was weak in that she chose death over struggle, but Olivia saw it the other way around. Eleanor was strong and Olivia was weak. Eleanor faced her problems while Olivia brushed them aside. It was heinous and she repulsed herself.

“You be strong, Evan,” she mustered after climbing from her reverie, “She didn’t leave us out of cruelty. She left because she was suffering.” Olivia placed her hand against her mouth in hopes that it would hinder the sobs in her throat, but it proved useless when she spoke again. “She’s free now.”