Sasha

I downed the shot my brother had bought for me and just stared off into space. Brian put his arm around my shoulders and moved me back and forth.

"So you think he's interested?" I hiccuped, hard. "...in her?"

Brian released his arm from around me and cupped his beer with both hands. He nodded, up and down, and looked at me.

"Very."

"Fuck." I slide my beer away from myself and jolted up towards the bathroom. I think it was a mixture of all the alcohol and the thought of Zack moving on, that caused me to violently puke my organs up. It's like I couldn't live with him, but I couldn't live without him.

I got myself together and stared at myself in the mirror, teary eyed.

Get it the fuck together, Sash.

I walked back to the bar and took my place next to Brian. He was deep into a text conversation. I picked my beer up and swooshed it around my mouth.

"1. Are you okay?" He slowly looked up from his texts and placed his phone, screen down.

I nodded.

"2. Your makeup looks like shit right now." He handed me a napkin and smirk before growing silent.

"What's 3?"

"3 would be us continuing our conversation."

I pulled my hair into a bun and reached into my purse for some Ibuprofen.

"Sasha, you've got the leave this alone." He pointed his index finger down on the bar. "He's been through a lot. He needs this. He needs to be happy."

"Why do you always fucking do this? You always take his side and never mine. I'm your sister!"

I saw my brother bite his lip as if to stop him from saying something wrong.

"Because he didn't fuck up. You did." He grabbed my hands and looked at me. "I love you so much. So, so much. But you've got to start growing up, Sash. You've got to start taking responsibility."

I wasn't mad or offended. Just disgusted in myself. Zack did deserve happiness and love. I fucked up. I couldn't put the partying away and be an adult.

I could feel myself began to shut down and my brother noticed. He flipped through his wallet and put down a $100 bill on the bar.

"Let's get you home. We can talk another time." He patted me on the back and I followed him out. We stood in silence, waiting for his uber and I lost all control.

Brian grabbed me into a tight hug.

"I can't do this. I don't even know who I am."

He kissed my head and I could tell he could feel my depression. I heard him let out a light sniffle as he whipped under his eye.

"I hate myself. I'm supposed to be his wife and a mother."

" I know. But you have to realize that you aren't. You have to deal with this and come to terms with it."

"I'm so in love with him. I can't see him happy with someone else."

Brian continued to hug me the whole ride to my house before he headed to his own.

"I know this all seems heavy or overwhelming. I mean you just came back but you need rest." I stumbled out the car and Brian asked the driver to hold on for a second. He jumped out the car and walked me to my door.

"You're wasted." He held my face and kissed my forehead. "Go chug some water and go to sleep. Call me in the morning."

We had one last hug and went our separate ways.

For the next three weeks, I quarantined myself, only hanging with Becca and my brother when he'd stop by. I know I sound so dramatic but that's only because I am. I had not heard anything from Zack or Megan...or anything about them. I just imagined that they were getting along perfectly.

In a couple of days, Brian would be hosting his annual Halloween party. I would be there and so would all of our friends. I had cut out all drugs, still drank a little. I had drank a lot, sometimes, but was never an alcoholic. I could go days with out taking a sip. It was cocaine and pills that had controlled me. Becca, surprisingly, joined me in my drug cleanse. At night, we'd watch movies and talk over wine and popcorn instead of wine and cocaine. It felt good. I felt like I was finally maturing. The only pills I took were for depression, but I had been on those since the miscarriage.

Becca sat down on the couch next to me as she popped open a bottle of wine.

"So let's talk costumes for the party." She reached over to fill my glass.

I felt myself grow nervous.

"What if I can't handle seeing them together?"

"Good thing that won't be a problem!" Becca took a small sip from her wine and lifted an eyebrow. Much like my brother always did.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, Bri and I have decided to find you a date. Someone you know, of course."

I slapped her on the leg and shook my head back and forth.

"No. Nope. Not happening!"

"My God, Sash! Don't you want to know who it is?"

"Nope, because it's not happening. I don't do blind dates."

"It's not a blind date because you know him! And you guys have a lunch date tomorrow..."

I threw my head back on the couch and closed my eyes tight.

"Fine. Who?"

"Trace!"

"Trace...Cyrus!? Are you kidding? Zack HATES him. Oh my God, what did you and Brian do!? Bri knows that Zack hates him!"

"Remember when you told me you guys hooked up once and it was the BEST sex ever?"

"Not as good as Za-". Becca cut me off, with her finger placed on on my lips.

"Zack is a non-factor to you. Remember? And as for Brian... I did have to convince him on Trace but he eventually gave in. He just wants you to be happy, too."

"Yeah, yeah. This just seems like a bad idea."

She pressed play on our movie and acted as if she had not heard me. I always found Trace sexy in a weird way and we used to catch up all the time when he would be in New York doing a show. Well, at least we had a pre-party date coming up.