Loverboy

I didn’t want to leave anymore.

That fucking decision I made back in March was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. Today is my last day in Sheffield and last day of sixth form. There wasn’t a proper emotion I had. I was happy but at the same time sad. It’s so goddam early so that’s probably why. What is it, 6:20 am and I’m already dressed and packed? Bloody hell, mum doesn’t come for another three hours and I don’t even need to go to my classes since it’s my last day. Why couldn’t this happen after school? Fucking district has to make everything rough for me. Maybe I’ll just get some sleep on the way back to London. Yeah, that’ll work.

Speaking of London, my mates were able to take the school day off and greet me when I get back home. I don’t even plan on doing anything once I’m settled back in. All I have planned out is watch Game of Thrones and look for flats online since I plan on moving out mid June. Is what I’m saying even making sense? Whatever, I’m tired as hell and not in the mood to think about the future at the moment.

I looked down at the small certificate laying on the window sill for a moment. “You bring me so many bad memories that are yet to come.” I said whilst picking it up. Scratch that out, it already brought me bad memories. It’s such a worthless piece of paper with fancy writing that covered it. School’s attempt to seem posh? Guess what, twats, you fucking failed.

A small groan came from the opposite side of the room suddenly. I quickly turned my head to the left and saw Oliver lifting his upper body up from his bed. Fuck, he looked so adorable with his messy hair and raspy voice when he tried to talk in the morning. Luckily the headteacher allowed me let Oliver stay in our dorm until I had to leave and he went to his classes.

“What are you doing up so early?” I asked him. “You’re supposed to be sleeping in.”

“This is the time I normally wake up on school days, what are YOU do up so early?” Pro tip: never argue with someone the second they wake up.

“I’m leaving today, remember?”

“Oh.” YEAH. NO PROPER ANSWER FOR YOU, BITCH.

I walked over to his bed and sat down right next him. “You feeling alright?”

“Kind of. I’m not mad you chose to leave early or something like that. Maybe a little bit sad but we’ll keep in touch, right?” he asked.
“Of course! I’ll try my best to call you every night if possible. There’s no way in hell I’m completely abandoning you once I leave. Until you finish sixth form, you’ll be able to visit Tom on the weekends so that’s a good thing, right?”

“Yeah, he even introduced me to some of his friends so at least I won’t be completely on my own.”

“And you have Jack and Alex here. I’m not sure if you guys have a strong connection or something but they’ll talk to you, I promise.” It’s hard to be all optimistic about the situation we’re in. Sure he’ll have other people to hang out with but goddammit, I won’t be there at all. My decision was so fucking selfish and I wish I could take it back. Who fucking cares I get a head start on the band? Leaving behind someone you care about is so much more important than a career. But on the last day of school, I am driving back up here and getting Oliver no matter what he says. Hell, I’ll even come two hours prior to the final bell and just hang around in Sheffield until it’s time. Okay, maybe I’m over exaggerating this but I am not lying about the driving back here part.

“Think I’ll ever meet your friends?” he asked out of the blue.

“Definitely. I talk about you quite a lot when I’m Skyping with them over the weekends and they say that you seem like a lovely person.” Oi, that makes me sound like an obsessed person.

He let out a small giggle and hid his face from me in embarrassment. Goddammit, stop being adorable. Just thinking about not seeing his face for so long made me feel terrible all over again. Maybe if I go to the headteacher’s office and beg on my knees to allow me back in it’ll work.

Yes.

Full proof plan.

--

Three hours quickly flew by for me and Oliver and I were both sitting on a bench, waiting for my mum in the courtyard. Class was already in session so it was completely silent besides the birds chirping. “What class are you going to once I leave?” I asked him.

He shrugged. “Computer class I think.”
“You think?” I chuckled. “ Exactly how long have you been on this schedule?”

“Shut up!” he barked as his face turned red. “The year’s almost over so it’s not like I care about what goes on anymore.”

The moment was too awkward for me to handle. We weren’t even having a “””proper””” conversation and I would be the one to try and maintain it while he sat there with his head hanging low.

My phone suddenly vibrated from my right pocket. I pulled it out and saw that mum sent me a text message saying that she was waiting in the parking lot. “I have to go.” I said. Well those four words caused a rock to drop down in my stomach the second they came out. I stood up from the bench and grabbed my suitcase. “Do you want to walk with me to my car?”

“I’ve got to get to class, Josh.” he said. My heart sunk when he said that. It’s obvious we’re both already drifting apart and I haven’t even left yet.

“Oh, that’s okay.” I lied. Tears were starting to form in my eyes and it was hard for me to stop them.

“Anyway, guess I’ll see you later. Bye, Josh.” Oliver said and started walking towards the school building.

“Yeah, see you later.”

--

That was literally the worst car ride of my life. Not only was I close to just bursting into tears right next to my mum, the last moment I spent with Oliver was completely awful. There was no conversation whatsoever, our goodbye wasn’t even proper. “See you later.”? Is this how people really say their goodbyes to loved ones? Fucking hell, our goodbye before winter break was more cute than this. We didn’t hug nor kiss so that tells me he’s probably already over my sorry ass.

“Home sweet home!” mum said as she closed the front door. “Your friends should be here in an hour or two so don’t try to take a nap or anything.

“No need to worry. I’ll be putting away my clothes and searching for flats online.” I responded to her. Don't forget about hating myself for the rest of the day.

I threw my suitcase in my closet the second I entered my room. Fuck everything about my life, okay? Just fuck it. I chose a goddamn career over my boyfriend and I just hate myself for it. That was the stupidest and most selfish thing I've ever done in my life. Who cares if it's only one month early? I chose to leave someone that meant so much to me for a fucking music career. Oliver has every right to hate me and I don't blame him for it. But he has Tom to keep him company so maybe it won't be that bad.

Who am I kidding, it's always going to be bad for him no matter what. First he loses Tom for a few years and then I come into the picture for just a few months and then Tom is back and I'm gone. Hopefully I'm over thinking all of this and everything will be fine when I drive back up there. At least I'll see the lads soon so they'll help me get my mind off things for a while. "Fuck!" I yelled out. There's so much anger in body I have no way to get it out rather than just yelling out things that come to my mind.

Thankfully the sound of the doorbell interrupted my thoughts and I immediately knew it was my mates. I opened the front door to be greeted by four smiling faces in front of me. "Joshy!" Matt squealed and tackled me. "Damn, I missed you!"

"Really, Matt? You do this every time you see Josh no matter what. It's kind of like you're a fan girl or whatever you call them." Dan chuckled.

"At least I know how to properly greet someone rather than saying 'Hi, welcome back, I missed you!'."

"There's no reason to get jealous, Danny." Max teased him. "Not his fault you're so laid back."

"Listen here-"

"Alright!" I cut him off. "We all have our own ways of greeting each other and I'm perfectly fine with it. We're all here and that's what matters." Since when did I become too damn thankful? OH YEA. I'M PRETTY CLOSE TO LOSING MY BOYFRIEND.

"So what's lil' Joshy been lately?" Max asked me.

"I literally don't even know." Great. Now it's going to be all depressing from this point on. Someone please kill me.

"Why's that?" Chris asked me.

"Today was just complete shit and I majorly regret leaving."

"Are you saying we're getting in the way?" Max asked me with a concerned look on his face.

"What? No, of course not! It's just how Oliver and I are. I don't think we're going to last much longer. We didn't have a proper goodbye and he just seemed so lost earlier today. My decision was so fucking selfish of me and I wish I could take it back. I really don't want to talk about it right now. Besides, it's between him and I anyway." I explained. Venting out to someone wasn't my specialty nor was explaining complicated things.

"That's okay, Josh. We can change the topic right now."

"No, I don't want to talk anymore." I retorted. "Please, just leave."

"Are you sure?" Dan placed his hand on my shoulder.

"Yeah. I-I need some time to myself."

They all exchanged looks to each other before finally exiting my house. "Call me later, alright?" Matt said in my doorway. I turned over and nodded my head. Perhaps talking to Matt later on will help calm me down.

Tears were streaming down my face as I ran up to my room and grabbed my phone. I quickly unlocked it and scrolled through my contacts until I found Oliver's. Quickly, I hit the green 'Call' button and bit down on my lip as I heard the ringing in the background.

"Your call has been forward to an automatic voice messaging system.." fucking voice mail ruins everything.

I waited a few seconds until I was able to make a voice mail.

"I fucking miss you." I choked out.