She's Not Afraid

To say that the next week was awkward would be an understatement. It was very awkward. Whenever Liam and I were in the same room there was this tension that hung in the air that everyone else tried to pretend wasn’t there.

Everyone knew what happened, I know they did. I told the girls because Jade found me in a mess of tears not long after Liam made his exit off the bus, so I had no choice but to tell her. And it was only fair that I shared what happened with the rest of them. They were supportive, but I knew that they thought I was being stupid. But they didn’t get it. Though, I don’t think I understood my actions much either.

The lad’s new too. They never came out and said anything, but there were not so subtle hints. Like the way they looked at me with pity, or annoyance if you were Louis.

On top of all that, Liam wasn’t having a good week in terms of the negativity he was getting online for no reason. There were even signs at a show that really gutted him. I felt so guilty that I couldn’t comfort him, but knew even if I tried he wouldn’t want it. I was probably the last person he ever wanted to be around anymore. So instead, I had to sit alone in my hotel room (well not alone, I was always sharing with one of the girls) and read his twitter to know what was going on inside that brain of his.

I wanted to fix it, everything between us. I miss him.

God did I miss him.

I missed the long talks, and the movie nights and the random texts he sent even when he was right next to me. I missed the cheeky looks across the room and I missed our nights.

I missed the way he kissed me when no one was looking. I missed the way his hands felt against my bare skin. I missed the way he sighed my name when I rolled my hips just the right way.

But even though I missed all that, it also scared the fuck out of me. I was scared that a lad I’d only knows for a handful of months could make me miss him so bad when he was only right down the hallway. Though these days he might as well be an ocean away with the way he pretends I don’t exist.

To top it off Paul needs me to finish the last two ‘Day in the Life’s as soon as possible.

The last two I have are Louis and Liam.

I don’t want to do this.

Getting the courage after the show to ask Louis if I could follow him on our next day off was the worst thing ever. No one ever wants to be on the receiving end of Louis attitude. But surprisingly, when I asked him, he was cool about it. Just a simple shrug and a ‘sure.’

So that’s how I ended up running around the Vegas Strip with Louis. He hasn’t said much of anything to me unless it was through me filming him. I was okay with that kind of, it was better than getting his attitude. But it still sucked, but I also knew I deserved it.

“I know you’re not really talking to me, but can we stop and get food? I’m starving.”

He shrugged, “I guess we can do that. You wanna check out the Star Trek experience at the Hilton?”

“That sounds awesome actually,” that got a small smirk out of him. Well, that was some progress, better than a shrug.

We walked a few more blocks, in silence, to the Hilton. The Star Trek experience was kind of like a big arcade, with a ride and a restaurant. We decided to eat first then have me film him going around to different games and stuff.

When I mentioned getting food, I didn’t think about how awkward it was going to be to sit at a table with Louis. After a girl dressed as an alien, who was eyeing Louis like he was an alien, we were left along.

In silence.

As he just stared me down.

I tried to distract myself by looking around at all the cool stuff around us but I could still feel his stare boring into the side of my head. I sighed, “Just say it,” I said turning back to him, “Get it over with yeah?”

He fixed me a hard stare, “I’m pissed off at you.”

“Clearly.”

His glare deepened, “You really hurt him you know.”

I looked down in shame, “I know. Believe me I know I really fucked up.”

“Yeah, you did. We warned you this would happen.”

“I know Louis!” I snapped. “It’s too late for me to go back and fix it, all I can do is say I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt him.”

“Then why did you?”

I shook my head, “Because he doesn’t understand. None of you do.”

“Try me.”

I sighed again and played with the straw that was sitting in my drink. There was so much I could say, but I didn’t know how to word it right. It’s always been my problem, communicating my feelings. “I just… he could do better. He deserves someone who can give him everything and I can’t.” I shrugged, “I don’t even know how to go about being a girlfriend.”

“You have to try eventually right?”

“I don’t know. I just know that every time I even think about being with someone I get freaked out. And I have no idea why, so don’t even ask.” I bit my lip chancing a glance up at him. He was staring at me with his full attention on my every word, “With Liam it’s just… I don’t know.”

“You’re in love with him,” he said after a long pause.

“What?” I shrieked, “No I’m not.”

“Yes you are Jazmin. I can see it,” he argued. “The way you look at him, believe me I know that look, and the way you’re so adamant on keeping him at a safe distance away from you, you’re totally in love with him.”

“No Lou, you’ve got it all wrong,” I denied. “I haven’t even known him long enough to love him. Plus I don’t even know what love is!”

He fixed me a stern look, “I told Eleanor I loved her after 5 months! There’s no time line for this shit. And no one knows what love is, you just feel it.”

Our alien waitress came with our food so I didn’t have to say anything to his statement, thank god. Because his words freaked me out. Was I in love with Liam? I have absolutely no idea. I don’t know what being in love feels like! I do know that I want to talk to him all the time, and my heart goes crazy and it gets harder to breath when he comes into a room. But that could just be strong infatuation!

“You don’t have to admit to being in love with him, I know that’s a long shot in itself,” Louis said around a mouth full of chips. “But you have to admit you have strong feelings for it. Because I know it’s true. We allknow it’s true.

I sighed in defeat, “Yeah, I do.”

“Wow, don’t make it sound so depressing.”

“It doesn’t matter anyway. He doesn’t deserve my bullshit. Plus he doesn’t even want to be around me, so there’s that.”

He threw a chip at my face, “Try apologizing maybe?”

I shook my head, “It’s better this way.”

“You are such a pain in the ass!” he groaned. “Just fucking apologize, explain yourself. Liam is very understanding. He’ll forgive you and you’ll be right back in his bed before the end of tour.”

“He wants more than that Louis.”

“Then try giving it to him! You admit you have feelings for him. People with mutual feeling for each other do this thing call ‘relationships.’ Welcome to the human fucking race Jaz.”

“Thanks for the sympathy,” I glared.

He shrugged, “I don’t have any sympathy for you. I’m team Liam on this, sorry. You’re being ridiculous. You are good enough for him, and he will put up with your bullshit, trust me.”

I picked at my food thinking over his words and everything that’s happened over this tour, “How do I… how do I even go about that? Trying to change for him?”

At that I seemed to stump him, “I don’t know. I think that’s something you’ll have to work out with Li.”

*****

Of course, after I finished filming enough to Louis DITL, I went straight to my Little Mix girls and told them everything. “Amen!” Leigh-Anne shrieked. We were in her and Jesy’s hotel room, Jade and Perrie in here as well as soon as I sent the SOS text on the way home from my outing with the eldest 1D member.

“I’ve only been telling you for years you needed to work on your relationship skills. Or lack thereof,” Jesy shot.

“But how? I don’t even know why I’m like this!”

“Maybe if you communicated better with Liam he’d be willing to help,” Perrie sighed.

I shook my head, “I can’t hurt him again. I don’t even know why I’m entertaining the idea of actually being with him. He’s better off finding someone who’s not terrified of the thought of using the word ‘boyfriend.’”

“If you really like him like you say,” Jade said, “Then don’t you think it’s worth the risk?”

I shrugged, “I don’t know.”

“Think of it like this,” Perrie said, “Are you okay with just walking away from him after the tour is over?”

My heart dropped at those words. I don’t know if I could stand not even talking to Liam and not seeing him every day, even if he was busy ignoring me. “No,” I said weakly.

“Then you’ve got to try.” Jesy said. “We know you have some strong feelings for him, it’s so bloody obvious.”

Leigh nodded, “It’s time to work through you’re issue girl.”

After their pep talk and talking me into at least trying to talk to Liam, you know, get him to forgive me enough to at least stand the sight of me, we had to rush to the venue for sound check and wardrobe. I brought my laptop so I could start editing my Louis video as the girls did their thing.

I was in the dressing room alone when Louis popped in, “Hey.”

I looked up as he came into the room, “what’s up?”

He sat on the couch next to me, to look over my shoulder at my laptop, “Editing me I see. Sounds like a great way to spend your free time.”

I looked at him curiously, “What do you want?”

“Are you gonna go talk to Liam?

“What? Now?”

He shrugged, “Why not?”
“Um, because he hates me right now? He’s got a concert to get ready for?”

He scoffed, “He’s done millions of concerts, he could do them in his sleep. And he doesn’t hate you.” He ran a hand through his already perfectly tussled hair, “Plus he’s still beating himself up over the negative comments he got the other day. Maybe you can take his mind off it.”

“You mean turn his aggression onto me?”

“Hey, whatever gets him out of this funk!”

“Thanks,” I sneered.

“I’m just sayin,” he said standing up, “The sooner you get him to forgive you the sooner you can confess your love for him.”

“Louis!” I chucked a throw pillow from the couch at him.

He dodged it laughing, “He’s alone right now in our dressing room,” he sang before skipping out the door.

I sighed shutting my laptop. I didn’t want to talk to Liam and I knew he didn’t want to talk to me. But I also knew that I’d have everyone on my case if I didn’t at least try.

After giving myself a mental pep talk, I sulked off the couch and headed to One Direction’s dressing room. The door was cracked when I got there and when I pushed it open I spotted Liam across the room. Of course he was shirtless! if there was a god, he was playing a cruel joke on me. Liam’s back was too me and he was on the phone with someone.

As I pushed the door opened, it creaked causing him to turn around and fix me with a surprised look. Well it was only a surprised took for a split second before it melted into a blank stare. “Mom I’ll call you back later, I’ve gotta take care of something.” I tried not to notice the adorable pout on his lips as he said his goodbyes, but it was hard not to. I loved his lips okay? Sue me!

“What do you want?” He asked as he shoved his phone in his jeans pocket.

I hovered in the doorway, afraid to move even an inch closer to him, “I uh, can we talk?”

“Honestly, I’d rather we didn’t.”

Okay, that stung. Like a lot, “Look Li I-”

He cut me off, “Can you just not right now Jazmin? If you haven’t noticed, I’m not having the best week.”

“I know. And I want to apologize if I’m a part of that.”

“‘if?’” he scoffed.

“Okay, I know I am. But besides that, I’ve seen the stuff on twitter and I saw those signs the other night. And I just… are you alright?”

“Don’t,” he laughed dryly, “Please don’t pretend you care. You don’t have feelings for me remember?” his glare was enough to break my heart even if I really didn’t have feelings for him. But I did, so it felt horrible.

“Liam, I’m trying to fix this,” I pleaded.

“There’s nothing to fix Jazmin!” he exclaimed throwing his arms up dramatically. “You made that perfectly clear, believe me.”

“I know, and I’m sorry for how I handled-”

“Stop!” he barked. “I can’t do this right now don’t you get that?” He gave me an exhausted look, “We were friends, now we’re not. Just go Jazmin!”

I didn’t need to be told twice, I could feel the ache creep up my chest and the tears threatening to fall from my eyes. He just looked so hurt and angry, and he just really didn’t want me to be there. So when I turned around and walked out of the room, I wasn’t expecting to run right into Harry. He caught me as I stumbled into him. One look at his face and I knew he heard at least the end of the conversation. “Come here,” he said as he pulled me down the hall to the bathroom.

“I’m okay,” I said once the door closed. I was taking deep breaths to try and calm down but it honestly wasn’t helping. I didn’t want to cry in front of anyone, I didn’t want to cry period, but my body had other plans.

“No you aren’t.”

“I just-” I didn’t even know what I was gonna say, but it didn’t matter. My body rocked with sobs and I crumbled into myself. “I really fucked up Harry.”

He pulled me into his chest comfortingly, “He’s just… he’s just going through a hard time right now Jaz.”

“Yeah because of me.”

“It’s not just you,” he stated. “He’ll forgive you, he just needs some pace right now.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt him,” I cried into his chest.

“I know you didn’t.”

“I really fucked up,” I said again. “I… I think I really like him and I fucked it up.”

His chuckled rumbled against his chest, “Well admitting is the first step to recovery.”

“I bloody hate you, you twat,” I groaned.

“I know,” he hummed as he slowly rocked me in a soothing way. I cried into his chest, not as hard as the first moment when I started, but there was still a dull cry.

“I just wanted to apologize to him,” I sniffed, “Explain myself.”

His hands ran up and down my back, “Just give him a few days, he’ll come around.”

“I hate Louis. This was his idea,” I grumbled.

“I kind of figured,” he huffed a laugh, “he’s always trying to fix everything and everyone. Even when it’s not the best time.”

“I really hurt him Harry.”

“Yeah you did. I’m not going to deny it. He’s not the ‘friends with benefits’ type,” he sighed. “But its Liam, and he cares about you a lot, so he’ll come around.”

“Everyone keeps saying that, but I don’t think he will.”

“Well you don’t know him like we do.”

“Why don’t you talk to him for me?”

“Because it’ll be better coming from you babe.”

I pulled away from him and whipped the tears off my face. Sniffing to try and calm down. I was sure I looked like a hotmess. “I’m sorry for crying on you.”

He looked down at the front of his shirt, there were tear streaks on it where my face was. He shrugged, “No biggie, I have to change before the show anyways. Plus, what else was I supposed to do when my friend just loses her shit?”

I scoffed, “Thanks Haz.”

He shrugged again, “It’s alright. Should have picked me though,” he smirked, “I’m totally fine with friends with benefits,” he gave me a mischievous look.

I scoffed and smacked his shoulder, “Not the time you wanker.” I couldn’t help the small smile that appeared at his cheekiness.

“I know, I just wanted to see you smile,” he nodded. “Plus Liam had his eye on you from day one.”

I winced at his words, feeling worse for everything I did to hurt the lad in question. I sighed, “This is why I feel like he could do better.”

“Don’t you think you owe it to him to let him make that decision for himself?”