Love in All the Wrong Places

A couple hours had passed since I had checked those life-altering voicemails. Travis, Dave, and I sat on the couch in sheer silence as we tried to figure out where we should start in figuring out what happened to Jessie. Travis took the news better than expected. When I first broke the news to him about Jessie’s death, I could see how much it hurt him. I let him listen to the message where she briefly talked about him, and that put him somewhat at ease. I ended up playing all of those messages to them on speaker phone in case they were able to pick up anything that I didn’t the first time I heard them. We listened to the messages numerous times, and every time I would re-save the messages. Who knows, these messages, especially the last one, could be a huge clue into figuring out what happened to her.

Travis broke the silence after God knows how long and stood up. He stretched and groaned a bit from being stiff, and looked at his watch. “Holy shit guys. Do you realize it’s 2am?” Dave and I just stared at him astonished. About that time, my stomach made an un-godly noise, and the guys laughed at me. “I guess that means we should grab some food, huh? Sounds like Christy’s stomach is about to eat itself! There’s not much open right now. Waffle House is the closest to the apartment and it’s just down the block. Y’all up for it?”

I got up quickly and eagerly nodded my head in agreement. I was up for anything involving getting out of the apartment and getting food in my stomach. The guys just laughed at me as we made our way out of the apartment.

We walked down the sidewalk in silence. I was walking in-between Travis and Dave. Dave nudged my right side with his left and half-smiled at me as he nodded towards Travis. I rolled my eyes and shook my head, playfully smiling back. He just chuckled, kissed the side of my head as he put his left arm around my shoulders and pulled me into his side as we continued to walk. Travis looked at us flabbergasted at the secret language that Dave and I had, shook his head, and kept walking. I just lightly chuckled at this as we continued towards Waffle House.

Dave’s POV:
As we walked to Waffle House, I couldn’t shake my new reality. I looked down to my left to see the girl I’ve been in love with for the last 8 years of my life, tucked underneath my arm, with her arm around my waist. However, I never pictured having to go through this situation before getting to this point with Christy: the death of my soon-to-be fiancé and her best friend/roommate. I continued to stare at her adoringly as she was laughing at something Travis was talking about. I half chuckled to seem like I was engaged in the conversation, but had the most difficult time staying focused. I’d held Christy so many times before like this and yet for some reason, this time felt so different than the others.

Christy must have caught me staring because she looked up at me with slightly furrowed brows and a mischievous smile adorning her face before asking, “Dude. What are you looking at? Do I have something on my face that you’re refusing to tell me about? Jerk.” She laughed and rolled her eyes as we continued to walk.

I responded, “No, you’re perfect just the way you are.” So soft that I hoped she hadn’t heard me. She must have however, because she looked up at me, and smiled whilst biting her lip before looking back ahead. God when she bit her lip. The emotions that woman was able to stir in me from the most simple of gestures was appalling. She’s always had that effect on me however and unfortunately it wasn’t reciprocated. What I would never admit to her, no matter how much I wanted to, was how I actually felt about our first and only date; it was the best night of my life.

Sophmore year of high school. I just got my license last week and after knowing, and having a crush on, Christy for the last couple years, she’s finally agreed to go out with me! I’m on cloud nine right now, but am so nervous about this. She has become one of my best friends over the last couple years and I really want to impress her. I shouldn’t be nervous because it’s Christy, but that’s precisely the reason I am nervous. She has this effect on me that I can’t describe. She’s an incredible girl. I’ve been looking forward to this date since she said yes last week, and I hope she’s just as excited as I am.

I looked around my room and racked my brain to figure out what the hell I was supposed to wear. I didn’t tell her what we were doing, so I hope she doesn’t get too dressed up. Granted, if she did, I would totally change what I had planned to accommodate what she wore. Luckily what I had planned didn’t require reservations; just a willingness to have fun. I decided to pull on a pair of a dark wash jeans and one of my nicer vintage graphic band tees. I figured sporting my The Doors tee would be a nice touch. Possibly a conversation starter if it got too awkward, especially knowing her taste in music. It still looked nice, while being casual at the same time. I looked over at my clock and saw that it was nearing 5:30. I had to hurry if I was going to make it to her house by 6:00 considering the 20 minute drive to her house. I ran my hands through my hair with some style gel, and gave my hair a tousled look. Hopefully that was ok? At this point I had no idea what I was doing and to be honest, I’d never really been on a date before. She makes me so nervous, but it’s a good kind of nervous. I sighed, and pulled on my black Chucks before bounding down the stairs to grab my keys and wallet. Mom was in the kitchen and heard me come downstairs. I had just put my wallet in my back pocket and was about to head out the front door when I heard my mom clear her throat from behind me.
I turned around to see her standing there smiling with tears welling up in her eyes. Before I could say anything, she engulfed me in a hug and told me how she couldn’t believe her baby boy was growing up so fast. As much as I would have loved to relish in this moment, I was really running late. I hugged her back and gave a nervous chuckle as I pulled away from her embrace. “Ma, as much as I love you and would love to continue this conversation, I really need to go. I told Christy I’d be there at 6:00.” She just smiled, patted me on my shoulder, and literally pushed me out the front door, closing and locking it behind me. As she closed the door I heard her say to make sure I was home by 12:30. Thank God for having this date on a Friday night; later curfew. I ran down the sidewalk and got behind the wheel of my ratty ’87 Civic.

I pulled up to her house a couple minutes past 6:00 and hoped she wouldn’t hate me. I got out of the car and nervously made my way up the stairs to the familiar house that had become my second home these last couple years. However, this time was different than every other time I came over. I wasn’t coming over to study or hang out. I was coming to pick up my date. A thought that never fully sunk in. I walked up to the door and nervously knocked, ready for her dad to give me the clichéd “dad/date talk”. I opened the door to Christy. She looked stunning. She had her dark brown hair down and slightly curled. She had done her makeup and really played up her golden brown eyes. A feature of hers that was arguably my favorite. She wore a pair of short jean cut-offs and some sort of deep purple colored top. I’m not a fashion guy, so I have no idea what kind of shirt it was, but she looked amazing. I continued to check out her outfit, and laughed when I noticed she donned her old black Chucks like I did. Those were our go-to shoes for any outfit. I was relieved she wore the same.

“What? What’s so funny?”

I was brought out of my trance by her voice. I shook my head, laughing, and put my left arm out to lead her to my car. Before she could take my arm, her dad came up behind her at the doorway and told me to have her home by midnight. Crap. I had an extra half hour after before I had to be home. Guess I’d forego my extended curfew tonight. I nodded in agreement before her dad shoved her out the door, much like my mother did me. I inwardly laughed at the similarities as she took my left arm in her right and I led her to the car.

My flashback was interrupted by the bell above the door in Waffle House going off. I shook my head, ridding my mind of the memories of that night as we made our way into the joint and found a booth to sit in. Christy scooted in first, pulling me in to sit next to her, while Travis sat across from us. Forgetting I still had my arm around her, I casually took it from around her shoulders and draped it across the back of the booth. She had long since removed her arm from around my waist, but the fact that I could be here, my arm protectively around her, I was more than okay with this situation. I sighed in contentment as I looked down at my menu for what to eat.

Once the three of us placed our orders, Travis and Christy began to talk about some design thing, obviously a distraction to what horrifying news we discovered earlier. While they talked about God knows what, I let myself go back and relive the memory I so often revisited; a night that was permanently etched in my mind.

I led her to the passengers door and opened it for her as she got inside, giggling slightly at my new gentlemanly acts. I ran around the front of the car and got inside. I turned the car on, and the speakers filled the car with the sounds of the local classic rock station. I turned it down a bit because it was still loud from when I went driving around the other day. She just silently laughed at my sudden apprehension at how to act around her now. I was never this shy or awkward around her before, but because this date had the possibility of turning our friendship into something more, I was more nervous than ever.

I kept the radio on, and when Christy heard a song she liked, she would turn the radio up and sing loudly along. If I knew the song, I’d sing with her, otherwise I would just laugh at her ridiculous scream-singing and overdramatic hand gestures and dance moves that accompanied her singing. I was definitely feeling less tense as we continued to drive to the park. She still had no clue where we were going or what we were going to do, and she never asked. I refused to tell anyone what I had planned because I didn’t want to risk someone spoiling the surprise for her. We arrived at the park about 45 minutes later, after I took the extended back-roads drive to the park. I knew she enjoyed taking long drives on nice days with the windows down and music turned up, so I wanted to give her that comfort going into the date. During the drive, I would often look over at her in pure astonishment at her beauty. She had such a simple grace about her, that I often would get so caught up in simple things she did. As we drove, I would watch her looking out the side window with her arm on the window frame, waving her hand in the wind with such a content smile on her face. I felt like I could live in that moment forever. In a moment of braveness, I reached with my right hand and held her left hand. I sheepishly looked over at her after, and she looked back at me with a reassuring smile and she interlocked our fingers, letting me know holding hands was okay.

Upon arriving to the park, I grabbed the blanket and picnic basket out of the backseat and found our spot under the giant oak tree near the ball fields. The last couple summers we would sit under that tree and watch the baseball games together. I figured going back to this spot would be special. I made us the same meal that we would typically eat when watching the games: pb&j sandwiches, barbeque chips, and watermelon. Obviously carrying and entire watermelon would be out of the question right now, so I went ahead and cut up slices for us to eat. I also brought a small pitcher with my mom’s homemade lemonade. It was her favorite. Unfortunately there weren’t any baseball games going on right now, but we were there close to sunset, so that should suffice. I got our dinner set out and she was surprised by what I made.

“Wow Dave. Bringing out the big guns tonight huh? Got us a spot under our tree at sunset with our favorite baseball-watching meal…nicely done. I’m impressed.”

I smiled in relief. “Ha. Yeah, I was uh, hoping it would be alright. I didn’t know what I should do, so I figured I would stick with what I knew.”

“It definitely worked.”

After that, we just kept up basic conversation and my nerves were lessened even more than before. She still had a hold on me, but my nerves towards the date were lessening. After dinner, I packed up our food, and we just laid on the blanket watching the sunset. We were both laying on our backs, and I turned my head to the left to look at her. About that time she turned her head to the right to look at me. We both lightly laughed at both deciding to look at each other at the same time. I saw a slight blush hit her cheeks, and I chuckled at that. She bit her lip in response. I leaned towards her to try and kiss her, seeing as now our faces were merely inches apart. We were staring deep into each other’s eyes and as I leaned closer, she closed her eyes. I took this as a sign that the kiss was okay. Right as I was about to connect my lips to hers, she turned her head and I caught her cheek instead. I opened my eyes, shocked, and leaned back a bit. She looked at me, sheepishly laughed, and sat up. I sat up with her, and right as I was about to ask her what was wrong, she just gave me a quick peck on the cheek. I felt my cheeks grow warm, and I couldn’t return her gaze. I got up then, along with her, and gathered our things as we made our way back to the car. I went to reach for her hand, but she quickened her pace just enough to where she was just ahead of my reach. I loaded the stuff in the back of the car, and opened her door for her again. It was still pretty early, and I wasn’t sure what else we should do. I was going to ask and see if she wanted to go grab ice cream or get a movie once we got in the car. I sat in the driver seat and turned to her, ready to ask what she wanted to do next when she began to speak at the same time. I told her to go ahead.

“Hey Dave. This has been fun, but it’s kinda awkward don’t ya think? I mean, you’re so sweet, but it felt like I just went on a date with my brother! You understand that right?”

“Oh, uh, yeah. Totally. Yeah, it was super awkward for me too. Good thing we didn’t kiss right?”

“Oh yeah! That would have made everything like ten times worse! Glad we were able to get this out of our systems early on in our friendship, now we can continue being just great friends! You’re the big brother I never had. Thanks for being so awesome.” She then leaned over and pecked my check again.

Despite being severely friend-zoned, I knew I meant a lot to her, and honestly, that was all I cared about. She may only think of me as a brother now, but that could always change down the road. Who’s to say 5 years down the road she would feel the same? One thing’s for sure, she stole a big part of my heart, and I’ll never get that back.

I was once again shaken from that memory by Christy shaking my arm trying to get my attention.

“Dave. Dave. DAVE!” She sounded worried when she was first trying to get my attention, but when I visibly shook off the memory, she just started laughing at me. “Dude, you’re crazy. I’ve been trying to get your attention for the last five minutes. You ok?”

“Oh, uh, yeah. Totally fine. I was just uh, thinking about some stuff.”

Her face went solemn, and she kissed my shoulder while whispering to me, “It’s okay to be sad. I miss her too.” And with that she continued to eat her meal while motioning to me that my meal had already arrived. What she didn’t know is that Jessie wasn’t who I was thinking about. It was her. Why am I not grieving the death of my almost-fiancé? Because she’s never had my whole heart, and now, never will. The girl that has my heart, and has always had it, is sitting merely inches away from me.

Christy noticed that I hadn’t really eaten anything and had only been pushing my food around my plate when she gave my knee a gentle, encouraging squeeze. She looked up at me, with her large, dark brown eyes with such a sadness that I wish I could take away. I promised myself one thing in that moment: I would do whatever I could to find a way to get rid of that sadness and try to help heal her. No matter what the cost. She may think she needs to fix and heal me, but I will try to fix her.