Can You Find Me?

I’ve been sitting here staring at these pictures and rereading all the articles about her for the past hour. I got up earlier then everyone else because I have trouble sleeping sometimes when the buss is moving. As soon as I logged on to twitter I was bombarded with tweets from fans about some article about Ayden and The Wanted. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bug me. Was she really seeing Jay? What did she see in him? I seriously didn’t get it.

“Why don’t you call her instead of internet stalking her, mate.”

I rolled my eyes as Harry sat next to me at the makeshift kitchen table of the bus. I shut my laptop, “She doesn’t want to talk to me.”

“How do you know, you haven’t tried.”

I glared at him, “What are you playing at.”

He shrugged, “You’re always looking at her twitter and her facebook. And I’ve seen you read articles about her, which are all 90% made up, every time some website posts something new.” He sighed, “You know, every time I talk to her she asks how you are.” I didn’t say anything, just looked out the window as the scenery sped by. Harry sighed again, “You two are the most stubborn people ever. It’s been 6 months and you’re clearly not over it. Why’d you break up with her then?”

“You know why.”

He scoffed, “Oh yeah, because you got drunk and convinced yourself that she didn’t want to be with you.”

“She doesn’t. We hardly talked and when we saw each other it was awkward.”

“Because you made it awkward!” he argued. “And the only reason you didn’t talk was because you both were on tour.” He groaned, “I don’t even know why I’m trying to argue this with you, you clearly aren’t ready to admit you were wrong.”

As he got up to leave I called out to him, “She’s obviously moving on.”

He froze before turning around and making it a point to roll his eyes, “You of all people should know that the media will write anything to sell a magazine. If you really think she’s with Jay then you’re mental.”

I didn’t say anything, and he didn’t leave any chance to as he walked to the back of the bus. I slumped in my seat, rubbing my hands across my face. It’s been a long tour, and long year.
I was ready to be home and just not have to worry about appearances for a while. One week left until the end of tour and I couldn’t wait.

*****

6 months earlier

That night when Niall called Ayden, he was drunk and pissed off. He and Louis had decided getting obliterated in Louis hotel room was a great way to spend a Saturday. But all it did was heighten his emotions and make him miss Ayden more. Then he was mad that she was too busy off touring with her friends to be with him instead. They were on opposite sides of America, she in New York, he in LA. She was a litter irritated when she was awoken at 5 in the morning.

“Niall? You know we have a time difference right?”

“What are we doing?” he slurred.

Ayden sat up confused, “Are you drunk? We’re talking on the phone, you called me remember?”

He groaned, “No, what are we doing? Why are we together, you can’t even stand to be around me.”

There was a long pause before she replied, “What are you talking about? Of course I do. I just had to take this trip for myself. I needed time with my best friend, and this was such an amazing opportunity, I couldn’t pass it up. I thought you understood that.”

He laughed drying, “You were willing to pass it up before you freaked out on me!”

“Niall,” she sighed. “You’re drunk.”

“I might be, but that doesn’t mean shit Ayden. I can’t do this anymore.”

He heard her suck in a breath, “Do what?”

“Pretend we’re in a relationship when we’re not.”

“What do you mean we aren’t? I flew all the way to LA to see you 2 weeks ago. You were the one that was hesitant to let me come.”

“Maybe you should have taken that hint!” he hiccupped at the end of his outburst and burped.

Ayden sighed, falling back against her pillow defeated, “Every time I call you you either don’t pick up or you shorten the conversation. I’m trying here Ni.”

“It’s because talking to you kills me now! I don’t want this anymore. I want to find someone else!”

“If that’s what you want…”

“It’s what I want,” he said instantly. “I wanna see other people.”

She sniffed, trying to keep her emotions in check, “Okay.”

“Okay,” he said before he hung up his phone. He passed out shortly after.

When he woke up in the morning he remembered everything he’d said to Ayden. So many things ran through his brain then. To call her back and beg for forgiveness, or just let it go. Let her move on. He reached for his phone ready to call her to fix it. There was a text from her waiting.

I don’t know if that was just a drunken fight or if you really want to end things. I guess all I can do is support that decision. I’d like to talk to you. Sober. I love you, and I just don’t want things to end like this.

It’s like he could hear the hurt in her text. He’d really fucked up and he couldn’t even remember all that he said. He opened a reply as he mentally debated what to do. The voice of reason in his head told him not to be selfish.

He sighed and quickly typed a reply and hit send.

I meant what I said. I’m sorry.

He never got a reply back.

*****

“Oh hey, they actually used my full name!” Blue laughed from her laptop.

I walked over and glanced over her shoulder looking at the article she was reading before scoffing, “I love that they try to spin that there’s something between Jay and I.”

“It’s a hot topic.”

“Yeah, but it’d be a better story if they knew the truth. ‘Ayden and Blue crash boy band party!’ I was shocked Jay remembered me honestly, I haven’t even seen him in almost a year. And even then that was in passing.”

Blue chuckled, “But I’m glad he did, that party was awesome!”

“Agreed, but I’m ready to be home, back to London.”

Blue scoffed, “I’m not. I’ve had a blast on the road with you! Well I do miss Max, but the past 10 months have been amazing!”

Over most of the year, Blue and I have literally been traveling across America and part of Australia for Sound Wave. After the All Time Low/You Me At Six tour, we spent 2 weeks in Australia hitting all the major cities with Sound Wave. Then after that, we came back to America and I did some shoots for a few clothing lines; Glamour Kills, Cladenstine (I got to meet Pete Wenz!), Kellin Quinn’s and even a small one for Hot Topic. Blue also got to shoot a bunch of shows and concerts, which is how we got to travel and see the States, and also afford to live while we were here.

Now, we were in LA on staying in the beach front hotel that we got for a steal. We’d been here a week, and we still had about 5 days left here as Blue had a shoot she was doing of a few bands for AP magazine! It was such a huge deal!

I glanced over at the floor of our hotel room, it was scattered with our clothes and accessories that we’d just discarded over the week. “Packing is going to be a bitch. We’ve accumulated so much crap over the past few months.”

“We may have to pay to check a few extra bags, but it was worth it!” she said as she closed her laptop. She up and walked over to the sliding glass window to look out at the beach, “Wanna go out?” she gestured to the ocean, “We’ve got a whole afternoon of nothing to do!”

“Sure, but this time don’t forget to put on sun block. I promise I will mock you for the rest of the week if you turn into a lobster!”

*****

When Blue and I got back to the beach I hopped in the shower, to get the sand and salt water off my skin, as Blue went to get a pizza.

When I got out, I sat on my bed and checked my phone to kill time as I waited for Blue. I had a few random texts and 2 missed calls. One from aunt Jenny and one from Louis. I decided to wait to call Jenny back and called Louis.

“Why are you partying with the enemy missy?” he demanded as soon as he picked up.

I laughed, “I am not. We crashed their party and they just decided we were too awesome to kick out.”

“Still, I’m hurt Ayden. Hurt. Hurt.”

“Oh you’ll get over it!”

“I guess. But only because I know it was just dreadful to spend time around them.”

“If that’s what helps you sleep at night,” I smiled, even though he couldn’t see me. I missed him. I missed all of them. I hadn’t seen them since I visited Niall before we broke up. “Is that the only reason you called me? To reprimand me for hanging around The Wanted?”

“No, that was just an added bonus,” I could hear the smile in his voice. “I actually called you to tell you I’m having a party next week when we get back and I expect you and Blue to be there. El told me you were getting home a few days before we did.”

I bit my lip, “I don’t know. It’s probably not a good idea-”

“Oh bollocks, of course it is! Just because you and Irish broke up doesn’t mean you broke up with the rest of us! And El specifically told me she wanted you there. All the girls do.” I was quiet, thinking it over. I really missed them all. I’ve kept in contact with Kota, Perrie, Dani and Eleanor since I’ve been gone. Through calls, texts and skype. They were there for me when Niall broke up with me, I was grateful they didn’t take sides. I’d been a little worried. “Niall won’t be a problem Ayden,” Lou said softly. “I know he broke up with you, but I think he’s more messed up over it then he’d like to admit.” I didn’t want to hear this. I’d finally gotten past the moping and the crying, but the breakup was still an open wound at times.

“I’ll think about it, yeah?”

“No, you’ll be there or so help me I’ll kidnap you and drag you there myself.”

If that threat came from anyone but Louis, I’d think they were bluffing. But knowing Lou, he was incredibly serious about that, “Alright,” I sighed, “But If I get uncomfortable or anything, I’m out.”

“That’s fine,” he said. “Call El, she’s got all the details.”

“You don’t know them?”

He scoffed, “Like I can plan anything! She’s in charge.”

“I’m honestly not even surprised,” I laughed.

“I resent that. But I’ve gotta run, I’ll see you in a few days. Tell Blue I said hello!”

“I will. Bye.”