Can You Find Me?

A word of advice; never break up with someone while you’re away from home. Because then you come home, completely blissed out from your memories and adventures, and new pictures to post on facebook, and you’re honestly in a great state of mind. But as soon as you walk into your room, you’re hit with the realization that you have about half your boyfriends, exboyfriends wardrobe still all over your flat.

It took me a few days to collect it all. I didn’t want to have to do this. This was just a shit reminder that I couldn’t make the one thing I cared about most, work. I somehow managed to cram all Niall’s stuff into two boxes. It took a few tries and different folding techniques, but I finally made it manage. It was almost like my heart was breaking all over again packing away his things. His Derby jersey he always wore on game day, the Busted cd he had let me borrow, sweat pants and wife beaters galore. With everything I threw into the boxes, a memory came with it, just making it all that much harder.

Then, after I’d actually accomplished packing it all up, I just left it sitting there in the corner of my room. Every time I made up my mind to take it to his flat and just leave it there waiting, I’d back out. That’s not how I wanted to handle this. Plus, I didn’t want to piss him off by going into his flat without his permission. I still had his key, but I was sure he’d be wanting that back. No, I needed to just be mature and face the music. I mean, I’d have to face him eventually, plus I still had all my stuff at his place too.

I knew he was home from tour now. Harry had called me yesterday, filling me in on the tour stories, so I knew he was in town. I was just trying to work myself up mentally to call him. I haven’t talked to him since the night he called me drunk and dumped me. I never replied to the text he sent that next morning either. I just crumbled into a mess of tears, where Blue found me when she came back to the hotel room. She was livid when I told her had happened that night, and she was even angrier when she found out about his text. She was mad at me for days after because I wouldn’t let her call him and give him a piece of her mind. I appreciated the thought behind it, but what good would that do? None.

I’ve been pacing around my room for a good half hour. I knew I had to do this today. I had to give him his stuff back today. Better to face him now, then at Louis’s party tomorrow. Maybe this would make things less awkward (doubtful).

With one final internal debate in my head I grabbed my phone and called him before I could talk myself out of it.

It rang for a good while. Long enough that I was about to hang up completely, but then he answered, “Hello?”

“Uh,” I cleared my throat, “Hi, it’s Ayden.”

“I know.”

Oh… right. “Yeah, um I have a bunch of your stuff… I packed it up nicely for you.” There was a long, awkward pause, “I was just wondering if I could come drop it off? Maybe grab some of mine?” I tried to keep my voice steady, but I think I failed on the last few words.

I heard him sighed, “Yeah, that’s fine. You can come now, I’m leaving in a few hours though.”

“Oh, yeah okay, that works. I’ll be quick.”

“Okay.”

“Okay,” I took a deep breath, “I’ll see you soon then.”

“Sure,” he said, and then he hung up.

Well, that was the most awkward conversation ever. I sighed, shoving my phone in my pocket before I stacked the two boxes on top of each other a hoisted them up. They were heavy, but manageable. I found Blue in the living room, “I’m going to Niall’s to drop off his stuff and get mine.”

She went ridged. She looked up from the tellie a bit alarmed, “You need me to go with you?”

“Calm down killer, I can handle this. But thanks for the offer.”

She scoffed, “Tell that git to jump off a cliff for me,” she said and smiled sarcastically at me.

“I’ll pass on your love.”

*****

I managed to get up to Niall’s flat with the two boxes. Although he wasn’t making it easier for me, I felt like I waited forever for him to open the door. When he finally did though, I almost wish I would have just dropped off his stuff when he wasn’t home.

He looked good. No, he looked amazing. It wasn’t fair. He was in tight black jeans and a button up and his hair was perfectly quiffed so I knew he was going out partying later.

He was also staring at me like I was staring at him; deer caught in the headlights. I cleared my throat and lifted the boxes a bit, “So I think I found everything. If I come across anything else, I’ll let you know.” I was trying to make this easiest as possible for the both of us.

Niall snapped out of his trance at my words and grabbed one of the boxes out of my grasp, “Thanks. Uh, come in. I’ve sorta started boxing your stuff.” We walked in and I kicked his door closed with my foot and followed him inside. As we passed the living room to his room, it looked like his tour suitcase had blew up on itself. It was open on the couch, and random articles of clothing all over. When we got to his room he set the box in his hands down on the bed and grabbed the one out of my hands. His fingers brushed mine and I tried to ignore the electric current that shot though my whole body from his touch.

I cleared my throat again, and turned my attention to the box that was sitting at the edge of his bed. I walked over and froze. Aside from the handful of clothes (that weren’t even folded), the mix cd I made him to tell him how I felt was sitting on top. I tried to wrack my brain as to what he meant by placing this mix in here. I mean, I made him countless mix cd’s while we were together, but the only one he was giving me back was this one?

“Uh, so that was just the clothes that were amongst my floor,” he said, coming over and sitting on his bed. “There’s still the closet and the bathroom stuff,” he shrugged, “I’ll let you take over. You can have the box by the closet too.”

I nodded, not taking my eyes off the cd, “Yeah, alright.” I turned my back to him and made for the closet. I noticed he still had my modeling shots Blue gave him up but didn’t comment on it. I started pulling my clothes out of his closet, haphazardly folding them, and dropping them in the box at my feet. I could feel him watching me, and it made me feel awkward in the already overly awkward situation. “So, how was tour?”

He was silent for a moment before he finally answered, “Amazin’.”

I nodded into the closet, “That’s good.” Why was I trying to make small talk? Why? Ayden? Just pack your things and get out of here!

“How was the rest of your trip?”

Was I supposed to read into the fact that he said rest of my trip? I bit my tongue to hold back the snide comment I wanted to make, “Amazing.” Two could play at the one word answers.

“How’s Jay?”

I froze mid fold. I allowed myself to look back at him, but he wasn’t looking at me. He was looking down into the box of my things turning the jeweled cd case in his hands. “Jay and I aren’t anything. We’re hardly acquaintances.”

His eyes moved my way then and his eyes gave away all his emotions, like they usually did. Anger, amusement, sadness. They were only there for a moment before he composed himself, but I saw them. He shrugged, I saw the pictures Ayden, you looked pretty cozy.”

“So I had a laugh with The Wanted, is that a crime? You know the tabloids spin things anyway they can to make money.”

He shrugged, “Sure.”

I scoffed, turning back to the closet and almost ripping a shirt out, “I don’t know why I’m trying to defend myself, you broke up with me, remember.?” That sure shut him up. I finished practically shoving my clothes into the box before I moved to his dresser. There were a few of my cd’s and some jewelry on it and a few shirts in the drawers. I shoved all that and my bathroom stuff in the box he had on his bed before I stacked it on the one on the floor.

“Do you want some help getting it down stairs?”

“No I got it, thanks,” I picked the boxes up and started making my way out.

“Ayden, wait,” he said as soon as I hit his bedroom door.

I stopped walking but didn’t turn around, “What?”

Silence. There was a long silence, to the point where I wasn’t even sure he was going to acknowledge that I stopped. I was about to turn around when he spoke, “Can I have my key back?”

And that’s when my heart dropped, or shattered, or both for all I know. I came over here telling myself that I wasn’t going to cry. I wasn’t going to show I was weak, but at his lack of emotion in his voice really hurt.

I set the boxes down and dug my keys out of my pocket and started taking the key off the key right. I needed to get it off and get out of here as soon as possible so he wouldn’t see how much he’d hurt me. When I finally got it off I turned quickly as possible and practically threw it at him, “Here, I’ll see you later,” I sniffed, which made me so angry at myself. I grabbed my boxes and couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

*****

I’d made her cry. That was exactly what I didn’t want to do. I wanted to fix things, but instead I had to bring up Jay. I’m such an idiot. I wanted to take it all back, everything. The last 20 minutes, the awkward phone call we had when she called. That drunken mistake I made 6 months ago. I almost told her all that too, right when she was leaving. But I couldn’t something was holding me back. I kept seeing her with Jay in that fucking picture and it just fueled me with hate. So instead, I asked for my key back.

And made her cry.

I threw myself back against my bed, “Fuck,” I shouted. I was such a cunt. Why do I do this? Why do I always fuck up things that I can’t afford to fuck up? I glanced over at my boxes she brought. A sleeve of one of my jumpers was hanging out. I reached over and pulled it out. It was the jumper she stole when she left for tour, she wore it all the time. I knew it would smell like her before I brought it to my face. It smelled like that strawberries and champagne body spray she wears that I loved so much.

My heart hurt as I hugged the bloody sweater too me. I was being stupid, so I just threw the sweater away from me and onto the floor. She was everywhere though. The boxes of clothes had her scent, her pictures were on my walls and the image of how broken she looked only a few moments ago, because of me, was replaying behind my eyes over and over and over again.

I didn’t want to go out anymore. I wanted to sit here in my room, by myself with a bottle of anything alcoholic and wallow in self pity because I didn’t deserve anything better than that.

I pulled my phone out and called Liam, “Hey Nialler!” he answered, “When you comin’ over mate?”

“I’m not.”

“What? Why?”

I rubbed a hand over my face, “Ayden came over, gave me my stuff.”

There was a short pause on Liam’s end, “I’m coming over,” he said before he hung up.

I dropped my phone in irritation and stood up. I started pacing because I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t need him to come over, I didn’t want to be comforted. I made my bed and now all I wanted to do was lay in it. Alone.

I don’t know what came over me, and I don’t know why I must have thought it was a good idea and would help. But before I could even comprehend what I was doing, my fist was punching a massive hole through my bedroom door.

Pain quickly spread through my hand as I pulled it out of the whole. My knuckles were bleeding pretty bad, but other than that I didn’t think anything was broken. I went to my bathroom to wash my hand and try and stop the bleeding.

That’s where Liam found me not too long after. I was trying to stop the blood with a towel, “Jesus!”

he yelled in disbelief, “Did your hand create that huge hole in your door? What’s the matter with you?”

He walked over and pulled my hand into his grasp to get a good look at it. I winced, “Watch it.”

“What the hell Niall? Your hand could be broken! And you seriously need stitches mate!”

“Oh shut it, it’s not broken.”

He scoffed, “You still need to have it looked at, come on.”

“I’m fine.”

“We’re going.”

There really wasn’t any point in arguing with him, he was already glaring at me and I knew he wouldn’t let it go.

“So what the hell happened?” he demanded on the way to the hospital.

I looked down at my hand extending my fingers to make sure they were working properly. “I’m an asshole.”

“Yeah, but what happened.”

I sighed before retelling him all that happened. From the awkward phone call, to her leaving in tears. “Ni, if you’re still in love with her, why’d you break up?”

I shrugged, “Seemed like a good idea at the time. We were both busy she was still acting weird after the pregnancy scare. We weren’t the same anymore.”

“Niall,” he said tentatively, “You can’t blame her for being scared.”

“I know. But I needed her with me, but it was like she was trying to get as far away from me as possible.”

Liam shook his head, keeping his gaze on the road, “I don’t know what relationship you think you were in, but she tried really hard. When you wouldn’t answer her calls, she’d call Harry, or any of us really. She took time off the You Me At Six tour to come out to LA to see you. She cancelled modeling shoots to do that.”

“I didn’t know that,” I said softly, “I thought she’d just had time off.”

“She didn’t want to make you feel bad. But the point is Niall, she wanted to be with you but you were the one pushing her away.”

We pulled up to the hospital then so I didn’t get a chance to reply. Being who we are, we were rushed in and taken to a back room instantly.

Liam was right, I needed stitches. Only 4 but still. Playing guitar would be a pain for a while.

The whole time I was being checked out and stitched up, I played over what Liam ad told me. Thinking back on it, I know I was the one avoiding her. But what I thought I was avoiding was the inevitable break up. That’s what I thought she was going to do when she came out to LA.

But the break up never came, and we had a good time. But then she had to go back and things got hard again. I felt like I was just dodging a black cloud, so one night after practically a whole bottle of Jager, I ended it instead.

I’ve regretted it ever since, but now I really hated myself for it.

After my hand was all set up, I was given some pain killers and sent on my way. “How’s the hand?” Liam asked as he headed back to my flat.

I shrugged, “Can’t feel it, they numbed it before they started stitching.”

“Well that’s good then, yeah?”

“I want her back Liam.”

He nodded, staring at the road, “Alright.”

“I’m gonna get her back,” I insisted.

He glanced at me, “Then do it Niall. But don’t fuck it up anymore than you’re already have.”

“I won’t,” I said. I wanted to promise, but I knew I couldn’t. He knows me as well as anyone, and I tend to fuck something’s up, obviously. “I’m such a fucking idiot,” I mumbled.

“I agree. But I think you still have a chance. She still loves you.”

I sighed, “I don’t know about that. But I’m determined to make it right.”

*****

“I just decided that I needed a change after that ordeal,” I said after I had come home and told Blue what happened with Niall. “So are you gonna help me dye my hair or not?”

She shot up out of her seat, “Yes, I’m so in!” She followed me into my bathroom practically skipping with excitement. “What color are you doing?”

“Red. I’ve always wanted to since i first saw The Little Mermaid! And what better way to try and change up some things in my life then starting with something simple like dying my hair.”

She nodded, “I think that’s a good start.” She reached out and tugged on my hair playfully, “Though, I’ll admit I’ll miss you as a brunette.”

“But i’ll be a badass redhead!”